Choices for the Future
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Yardley, PA
Posts: 3
Choices for the Future
Situation
I have an alcoholic fiance who is currently in recovery(1st time) and 1/2way through an inpatient treatment program. She seems very motivated and I am hopeful for her success. Due to work and family dynamics we live 5 hr apart. One of the things she's discovered is that she will no longer be able to work the type of job she has worked moving forward as she has recognized that the travel, pressure, etc. of that job possess too many triggers for her to maintain her sobriety. She wants our relationship to be a success and would like me to move closer. She cannot move because her 2 kids cannot leave the state according to her divorce requirements, plus she really doesn't want to uproot them from their schools they've been in their whole lives. I love this woman so much and am so proud of what she's done thus far to recognize her problem and address it. She expresses desire to have me near as she takes this road to recovery. This will require me to leave a job of 14 years, seek a new job, sell home, and move. There are probably a significant number of details I haven't elucidated, but that's the essence of the situation.
Internal Conflict
Strong career with stable company, 14 years of tenure and possibly alone vs being with an, albeit, flawed, woman, who brings me more consistent contentment and joy than I've seen in my lifetime.
My fiance is a type A personality, which means she's action oriented whether it's about her drinking, which she took pretty seriously, or her recovery, which she has now embraced with as much vigor. She has a sense of urgency about just about everything, including my move/job change. I don't want to lose her as she is the love of my life and , it would be devastating but there's a little voice in the back of my mind going "I don't think this is a good idea, you'll be soooooooooorrrrry
Has anyone faced similar conflicts in relationships with alcoholic significants and what was your experience?
Appreciate feedback........remember, though, recently confessed codie, so be gentle........
I have an alcoholic fiance who is currently in recovery(1st time) and 1/2way through an inpatient treatment program. She seems very motivated and I am hopeful for her success. Due to work and family dynamics we live 5 hr apart. One of the things she's discovered is that she will no longer be able to work the type of job she has worked moving forward as she has recognized that the travel, pressure, etc. of that job possess too many triggers for her to maintain her sobriety. She wants our relationship to be a success and would like me to move closer. She cannot move because her 2 kids cannot leave the state according to her divorce requirements, plus she really doesn't want to uproot them from their schools they've been in their whole lives. I love this woman so much and am so proud of what she's done thus far to recognize her problem and address it. She expresses desire to have me near as she takes this road to recovery. This will require me to leave a job of 14 years, seek a new job, sell home, and move. There are probably a significant number of details I haven't elucidated, but that's the essence of the situation.
Internal Conflict
Strong career with stable company, 14 years of tenure and possibly alone vs being with an, albeit, flawed, woman, who brings me more consistent contentment and joy than I've seen in my lifetime.
My fiance is a type A personality, which means she's action oriented whether it's about her drinking, which she took pretty seriously, or her recovery, which she has now embraced with as much vigor. She has a sense of urgency about just about everything, including my move/job change. I don't want to lose her as she is the love of my life and , it would be devastating but there's a little voice in the back of my mind going "I don't think this is a good idea, you'll be soooooooooorrrrry
Has anyone faced similar conflicts in relationships with alcoholic significants and what was your experience?
Appreciate feedback........remember, though, recently confessed codie, so be gentle........
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
I would, for now, listen to that little voice. If your fiance can maintain her sobriety for say, 6 months to a year, ON HER OWN, without making you feel like you have any role in her recovery (because you don't, you know) then perhaps there is a future for you two. I have often heard that it takes a full two years for a recovering alcoholic to truly embrace and be living the program.
I would not let this loving but aggressive woman call the shots of immediacy on you. You get to call those shots.
I would not let this loving but aggressive woman call the shots of immediacy on you. You get to call those shots.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Its wonderful that she is taking steps toward sobriety. I hope she continues to do well.
If I were in your situation I woul dnot make any major changes (moving, changing jobs, etc.) until she had a considerable amount of time in recovery under her belt. Knowing just how hard it is, knowing the many changes you will both face in the coming year alone, I would wait until you were sufficently secure in your assessment of how she is doing before making any major change.
If I were in your situation I woul dnot make any major changes (moving, changing jobs, etc.) until she had a considerable amount of time in recovery under her belt. Knowing just how hard it is, knowing the many changes you will both face in the coming year alone, I would wait until you were sufficently secure in your assessment of how she is doing before making any major change.
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
When someone asks me to accept deplorable behaviors like addiction into my life and then asks me to also give up my job, my home, and my friends they are waving a huge red flag in my face. If I can muster up the courage to stop thinking with my heart and instead think with my head, the fuzzy words on the flag waving in the wind start to come into focus.
They read:
RUN!
They read:
RUN!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Gator,
I have been in a similar situation and would tend to agree with Barbara.
Her recovery is something she needs to do for herself and by herself. The fact that she has your 100% support (from your current location) is a boon to her, and she should consider herself very fortunate.
Seeing if she is willing to care for herself in this way, take her recovery seriously, and stick with her program for 6 mos to a year will be a big sign that perhaps uprooting yourself is not just a codependent collapse, but a true belief in someone that is trying hard.
The fact that she is rushing you indicates to me (forgive me) that this move is all about what's best for her, and not necessarily about what's best for you. That's why your little voice is squealing at you. I think you know this too, down deep.
I thought that "love conquers all" and I uprooted and went. My income, my happiness, my self-confidence, and my self image went completely into the dumpster when "he" relapsed a short time later.
I think this story can have a very happy ending. She could stick with her recovery, you can continue to work on your codependency issues, and you could revisit this in the future when you are both stronger.
Just my two cents --- I wish you all the luck in the world here.
I have been in a similar situation and would tend to agree with Barbara.
Her recovery is something she needs to do for herself and by herself. The fact that she has your 100% support (from your current location) is a boon to her, and she should consider herself very fortunate.
Seeing if she is willing to care for herself in this way, take her recovery seriously, and stick with her program for 6 mos to a year will be a big sign that perhaps uprooting yourself is not just a codependent collapse, but a true belief in someone that is trying hard.
The fact that she is rushing you indicates to me (forgive me) that this move is all about what's best for her, and not necessarily about what's best for you. That's why your little voice is squealing at you. I think you know this too, down deep.
I thought that "love conquers all" and I uprooted and went. My income, my happiness, my self-confidence, and my self image went completely into the dumpster when "he" relapsed a short time later.
I think this story can have a very happy ending. She could stick with her recovery, you can continue to work on your codependency issues, and you could revisit this in the future when you are both stronger.
Just my two cents --- I wish you all the luck in the world here.
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