fallingdown

I am facing a betrayal that has left me reeling. First of all I need to get this out of the way: I let my feelings get the best of me and I got Tuesday night, really drunk. It was completely stupid and demoralizing but I am not giving up just like I don’t expect any of you to give up. I know what I need to do, it’s just a matter of doing it. Yes I am angry at myself but I intend to pick myself up again and continue on the path to long term sobriety. Until then, one day at a time.

What I need help with is a situation that has weighed on me for a long time. The dreaded Family Drama situation. I have one sibling, my little brother and I worship the ground he walks on. I really look up to him and would do anything for him. He has a son who I also love dearly. The problem is that I do not get along with my sister in law. We’re polar opposites. We had a huge argument eight years ago and since then have supposedly made amends and moved on. The problem I have is she keeps contacting people from my past, “digging up dirt” as she calls it. She has flat out told me that she always holds a grudge. Seriously folks I cannot go to my nephew’s birthday party without seeing at least one ex boyfriend or other person from my past. It makes me very uncomfortable which is pretty much the intention. Like last February when she invited me to a party at her house with all of her friends and then pulled out a picture of me 40 pounds thinner and passed it around for everyone to look at. Again I turned the other cheek and never let her know how much it hurt me. The person she’s contacted most recently is someone I knew almost ten years ago. We were close for about six months. It was a very dark period in my life and I did a lot of things I’m proud of at all. This person knows about all of it and then some. For the past seven years that I have been married I have been much settled down behavior wise besides the drinking. But I am not the same person now that I was then. The sense of betrayal I feel over her getting in touch with this person is eating me alive. And I can’t imagine how they feel having my sister in law get in touch with them out of the blue after almost ten years.

I have a loving and close relationship with everyone else in my family. Do I let this slight go, like all of the others? Or do I confront her, start a huge fight and play right into her hands? She has been baiting me for a very long time now and I bend over backwards to get along with her. But if have to bend anymore I might break. I can keep killing her with kindness but it might end up killing me. I do know with certainty that no matter what, I will not drink today. Please tell me what you think I should do.

anewe

You are a special person! I think you should continue doing what you are doing - turn the other cheek. Good for you!

Realize that it is her ego and her problem that she is doing these awful things to you. She must be jealous of you in some way. I suggest reading Eckhardt Tolle's book, A New Earth, to understand all about ego and healthy ways of dealing with it.

I hope it will help you so you don't feel that you have to resort to alcohol.

fallingdown

"I hope it will help you so you don't feel that you have to resort to alcohol."

I agree and I think it is a situation that has been weighing on my soul for a long time, and everytime I think about it it hurts like a sore being reopened again.

Daddio

Hey Falling. I think that you are doing exactly the right thing by taking the high ground on this one. You get incredibly high marks for that effort. The last thing you would ever want to do is stoop down to that person's level. Unless of course it was to help them up.

We could all sit around here and come up with a 1000 ways to squelch your in-law. But to what end? You are the one showing extreme grace under fire with your actions.

I was always taught, as a Christian, to let my actions speak for me. You are apparently doing just that. Keep it up.

Anna

Wow, that's just awful and toxic.

In my opinion, stay away from her. I had to elmininate a family member from my life when I got sober. It was important to me to have peace in my life and to have good people around. I couldn't afford to let someone mess with my serenity. I was fragile in early recovery. Now, I am much stronger and I still wouldn't let someone like your sister-in-law near me.

I think confronting her would be a waste of time. You cannot change someone. You can only change yourself. My advice would be to see your brother and nephew away from your sister-in-law, however you can arrange that.

Jomey

I'm with Daddio...good for you taking the high ground. If she is deliberately trying to hurt you, I doubt you could reason with her in a non-confrontational conversation. It's hard to know how she would react if you told her that she is hurting you- she might be happy about it and rev it up even more, she might be ashamed and rev it up even more out of spite, or, happy thought, she might cut it out. You have to decide how all that would effect you if you decide to act. If you decide not to deal with it with her, make sure you are talking it out and getting affirmation elsewhere - you can't hold it all inside sweetie.

We're always here.

Jomey

fallingdown

Whew *deep breath* thank you. Really I feel better just getting it out. I would never dream of talking to my mom, brother or dad about this because I would never want them to feel compromised in this situation. I cannot control the dirt she continues to dig (and there’s plenty of it) or what she chooses to do with the information. I cannot control the fact that she does not love me. Have you ever known someone who treats you like hell but you still long for a close relationship with them? It’spainful but the best thing I can do is get myself together so when the subject of my past comes up, I can honestly say I’ve left it well behind me. Of course lately I've been doing a lot of sayin' but not a lot of doin'.

Aysha

You are doing exactly what you should be.
Not playing into it.
Thnk about how stupid she must look to others by doing what she is doing.
I mean seriously. Who does that?
Call people from 10 years ago out of the blue.
For what?
She must look like a real ass to everyone.
Let her keep making herself look like an idiot.
And let it go knowing she is doing to herself more than you could ever do.

fallingdown

I don't get it though. It doesn't have to be this difficult. I don't do drama as a general rule. As far as I'm concerned there's no reason why we can't get along. I would be more than happy to let bygones be bygones, not for her sake,just so I can continue to have my brother and my nephew in my life. Because eight years ago when we had our big fight, I did not talk to my baby brother for six months. It was horrible. My brother and I talk a lot more now and my SIL has made mention of it which is why I think I am seeing a new dramefest on the horizon.

Aysha

It takes 2 to tango.
She can only effect you if you let her.
Let her play the drama part by herself.
Not very effective when its only one playing.
You dont have to get it.
Just let her be ignorant on her own.

SoBearish

Hey FD

I'm sorry your feeling upset. And I think ignoring her antics is the way to go.

I'm a little confused. What is she hoping for by contacting an ex of yours? And what is it you're afraid she'll do? Is she planning to 'out' some thing you did a decade ago to the rest of your family or something?

She sounds whacked out to me.

fallingdown

"I'm a little confused. What is she hoping for by contacting an ex of yours?"

I'm not really sure, she refers to it as "digging up dirt". And I'm just saying, there's plenty to be found with someone who knew me 10 yrs ago but hasn't talked to me since. So yeah, I'm a little nervous about it but in retrospect, it would look pretty dumb for her to start stirring the pot from so long ago, all she could do is hurt people with the information not help anyone. I made some dumb decisions back then and I own them, but I'd like the past to stay in the past. I am really clueless as to why she collects my old friends and boyfriends but somehow I don't think it's with good intentions. I let things bother me a lot more than they should though and I've carried my mistakes around with me for a long time, I don't need any help from her.

flgirl

fallingdown,

You cannot control another person, even if you would like to. I understand about the past issues. Be honest with your brother. Tell him what you are feeling and thinking. Don't ask him to choose, as that would not be fair, but just ask him to consider your position. I think that you might have to exclude her from your life, until she is willing to "behave". But that is just my thought. I am sorry you are going through this.

jodyjody

Hi, Fallingdown.
I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this while trying to take care of yourself. You are right to turn the other cheek. For many reasons. The virtuous reason, the compassionate (towards your brother) reason, the Christian reason. And if it's still eating at you....you might get some satisfaction knowing how much trouble this idiot is going through to annoy and hurt you. And how wonderful that she thinks it's all in vain. ( I know that's not the right reason to turn the other cheek but sometimes we need that kind of gratification).
Good luck to you. Take care of you.

Jody

Ananda

I can't let myself buy into keeping secret anothers actions that are harming my relationships. It isn't about being mean to her or making your brother choose...it's simply stating the facts. To simply say to her and to your brother that you are uncomfortable with the fact that when you visit, your old boyfriends and friends that they have no real connection with (assumeing that is true) keep being invited and that you will not be attending function where this is happening anymore...

you own your feelings yet set a boundry.

And call lots of people and post alot to help you stay sane and sober through the process....

sorry - forgot...that is just my opinion based on my expereince with some very dificult secretes that i had to deal with in my family.

Dean62

IMHO She is a very sick person. How sad it is to spend that much time and energy to hurt another person. The first thing I would do is pray for her.

Judging by the extremes this person is willing to go to there is nothing you can do about her. No amount of sucking it up and being nice is going to change her. If you choose to meet hatred with love do it for your self, brother and nephew.

Another option is to look at your past. Who is it she can hurt? There is nothing you can do about your past. If you can, make peace with it. Go to whoever it is she can hurt by using your past against you and be honest and work it out with them. Then she will have to find another weapon to use against you.

Love ya FD. :ghug3

lizw

These are just my thoughts.

It sounds to me like you have two problems.
1. An awful sister in law.
2. And a drinking problem.

But maybe not in that order. They are not one and the same though. I don't believe you've been drinking because your sister in law is awful or because you have been over come by your angry feelings towards her. You've been drinking because you're an alcoholic and that's what alcoholics do. We drink. I think once you have these two issues seperated in your mind, and understand you drink cause you don't know what else to do, you won't find yourself drinking again.

It sounds like your sister in law is a real sick woman and that won't change anytime soon by the sounds of but welcome to life on lifes terms. Life can be unfair, terrible and at times just dreadful. If it was my sister in law I would take her acts as a rather large indication she didn't particulary like me too much and I would stay away from her and only attend extended family stuff that I was required to be at. I.e. parent in laws birthdays, funerals, weddings.

This may sound unfair but I think as drinking alcholics we expected the world to change or we tried to change the world to suit us but soberity requires us to change ourselves to fit the world.

Best wishes.

Hevyn

Fallingdown, may I just say I'm furious on your behalf, & even though Daddio won't let us, I'd love to do some "squelching". It would be nice if your brother would speak up for you - tell her to knock it off. I really don't understand why she's being allowed to get away with this. It's so unkind, when she probably knows you're working hard to try and turn your life around. Don't let an evil person like this win by caving - keep yourself moving forward - rise about it all. Hold your head up & leave her in the dust.

fallingdown

Aww you guys, I love ya'll. The problem seemed overwhelming yesterday. I didn't sleep a wink Wednesday night and you know when you're tired, problems seem magnified 100%. But from reading your perspectives I have been reminded of a very important point that I had forgotten...the only way I have managed our relationship is by refusing to "tango" as Chi said...I think it gets kind of boring for a person to fight if there is no one to fight with them. I explained to her years ago that we weren't going to have the kind of relationship that was full of arguments and misunderstandings, that's not how I roll. If I ever do anything to truly offend her, then she should let me know, but otherwise I am not spending my life quibbling just to quibble! She left me alone for a while but the tide is turning again I am not sure what's going on, but last night I did say a prayer for her before I fell asleep as I do more often than not.

And the drinking...yep to me that is the bigger issue right now. And it's a really good idea to focus on that and not worry so much about who she's talking to about what. I don't think I would have gotten to this place without reading some third party perspectives here and you don't know how badly I needed that. Thank you all so very much. "No matter what, I will not drink today"

Lots of love
Fallin

SoBearish

Hi FD - Glad your're feeling a little better, and saying a prayer for her... well that's just what Ghandi would do. I'm proud of you.

She is obviously threatened by you in some twisted way. So I guess you actualy have the upper hand.