Sober mom...guilt
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Worcester, MA
Posts: 2
Sober mom...guilt
Hey everyone. I'm new here. Anyways, I need some help as I am trying to figure out what to do about my mother. I'm 22 and married and living on my own as I feel I have been most of my life. My mom has been sober since I was about 17 (she used heroin, cocaine, pills, drank over the course of time since I was born), but she can be worse sober than high/drunk and I lived with my grandparents since I was 14.
When i first began college, I had a really hard time. My mom was sober but called for money, rides etc. Then when I said no she would call me selfish or a brat or a bitch, once even while I was on the phone sobbing to her. Finally, I had enough and have stopped trying to be close to her since. When I was in high school I would visit her and call her, but I've never felt much toward her. When I did, I was younger and I never got the right attention. somewhere along the way I just lost the feeling.
I haven't seen my mother since I got married this past August and I don't call her. At the wedding, she made a scene right before the ceremony and followed me around the reception constantly pulling me aside and saying to respect her because she is my mother on and on. She even cut in on my first dance!!! Then I was eating and she was leaning over me and I asked her to stop and she was like "well you let him (my husband) lean over you." Enough was enough!
Last night she called me at work after I havent spoken to her in about a month. My aunt gets on the phone and tells me that my mother worries about me and cares about how I am doing and that she cries all day long becuase I wont speak to her. I have been going to therapy, and I realize things I did not before, but I still feel I am wrong for not caring about my mother like I should. I have just had enough of who she is and what she does and says and did.
The last year and a half she has stopped using me as an ATM and asking me for things, but I'm not interested. Don't get me wrong, she has always said I love you and that. I would go over for dinner in high school when she was sober and spend time with her, but I always felt I was forcing it. Now that she is trying to be in my life, I feel horrible for not letting her. I don't need her and her need for me is so annoying. I know she loves me and cares what I am doing, but she is quick to treat people like they are replacable. I just don't want to hang out and be mother-daughter best friends. I dont even want to see or hear her. After the wedding she would call 5 times a day and leave multiple messages. Honestly, she used to only call when she wanted something or her boyfriend was off on a drinking/smoking crack binge. I feel I have never gone to her before for anything and have my own life, but I cant tell her I want limited contact because she will cry and then my aunt will corner me and it becomes this big dramatic thing. she had 17 years of my life to make an effort to get to know me and be there for me. Now I feel like the jerk.
Sorry for the super long post.
Kristen
When i first began college, I had a really hard time. My mom was sober but called for money, rides etc. Then when I said no she would call me selfish or a brat or a bitch, once even while I was on the phone sobbing to her. Finally, I had enough and have stopped trying to be close to her since. When I was in high school I would visit her and call her, but I've never felt much toward her. When I did, I was younger and I never got the right attention. somewhere along the way I just lost the feeling.
I haven't seen my mother since I got married this past August and I don't call her. At the wedding, she made a scene right before the ceremony and followed me around the reception constantly pulling me aside and saying to respect her because she is my mother on and on. She even cut in on my first dance!!! Then I was eating and she was leaning over me and I asked her to stop and she was like "well you let him (my husband) lean over you." Enough was enough!
Last night she called me at work after I havent spoken to her in about a month. My aunt gets on the phone and tells me that my mother worries about me and cares about how I am doing and that she cries all day long becuase I wont speak to her. I have been going to therapy, and I realize things I did not before, but I still feel I am wrong for not caring about my mother like I should. I have just had enough of who she is and what she does and says and did.
The last year and a half she has stopped using me as an ATM and asking me for things, but I'm not interested. Don't get me wrong, she has always said I love you and that. I would go over for dinner in high school when she was sober and spend time with her, but I always felt I was forcing it. Now that she is trying to be in my life, I feel horrible for not letting her. I don't need her and her need for me is so annoying. I know she loves me and cares what I am doing, but she is quick to treat people like they are replacable. I just don't want to hang out and be mother-daughter best friends. I dont even want to see or hear her. After the wedding she would call 5 times a day and leave multiple messages. Honestly, she used to only call when she wanted something or her boyfriend was off on a drinking/smoking crack binge. I feel I have never gone to her before for anything and have my own life, but I cant tell her I want limited contact because she will cry and then my aunt will corner me and it becomes this big dramatic thing. she had 17 years of my life to make an effort to get to know me and be there for me. Now I feel like the jerk.
Sorry for the super long post.
Kristen
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Eastern Time Zone
Posts: 1,011
hang in there Kristen. You are asking the questions and addressing the issues - an awesome way to move into a comfortable acceptance of what you are eventually going to do.
something you said above, "her need for me is so annoying." My goodness, you hit the nail on the head in describing my relationship between my mother and I.
It is inspiring to me that you have moved on enough to start your own life by being open to love enough to be married. The marriage (and your husband) is your primary concern now. That would be true even if you had a "good" relationship with your mom.
That's all the thoughts i have on the subject. Hope that helps in some small way.
something you said above, "her need for me is so annoying." My goodness, you hit the nail on the head in describing my relationship between my mother and I.
It is inspiring to me that you have moved on enough to start your own life by being open to love enough to be married. The marriage (and your husband) is your primary concern now. That would be true even if you had a "good" relationship with your mom.
That's all the thoughts i have on the subject. Hope that helps in some small way.
aka Emma
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: dublin, ireland
Posts: 24
Ditto
Hi Cookiedipper
I am in a very similar situation except it is with both of my parents. If you read my post you will see my situation, which has not changed for about 10 years. The short version is that both of my parents are alcoholics who are also addicted to methadone, this is a cocktail that causes psychosis. When my parents are in this state, i have a stomach twisting hatred for them which i cannot control. Everyone screams at eachother and they manipulate me into thinking i am the bad person. They threaten to commit suicide on a regular basis. I resent that they have not ever been anything close to parents to me and my two siblings, i hate their sickening indulgence, they are thieves and always trying to get something for nothing.
Today for example is my brothers 21st birthday and before he went out he had to separate my scrapping parents twice. This was a thursday morning. My brother is a kind, simple man and he deserves loving parents.
My dad has been out twice for drink today and my mother is downstairs wailing. My hatred turns to nothingness when they are sober. I cannot bring myself to forge a relationship when any hope i feel is immediately quashed by them getting hammered.
I know they will never stop drinking and for this reason i have completely unattached emotionally. I dont think this is reversible.
Im sorry to not have positive feedback for you but at least i hope you can identify with another person in a similar situation.
I am in a very similar situation except it is with both of my parents. If you read my post you will see my situation, which has not changed for about 10 years. The short version is that both of my parents are alcoholics who are also addicted to methadone, this is a cocktail that causes psychosis. When my parents are in this state, i have a stomach twisting hatred for them which i cannot control. Everyone screams at eachother and they manipulate me into thinking i am the bad person. They threaten to commit suicide on a regular basis. I resent that they have not ever been anything close to parents to me and my two siblings, i hate their sickening indulgence, they are thieves and always trying to get something for nothing.
Today for example is my brothers 21st birthday and before he went out he had to separate my scrapping parents twice. This was a thursday morning. My brother is a kind, simple man and he deserves loving parents.
My dad has been out twice for drink today and my mother is downstairs wailing. My hatred turns to nothingness when they are sober. I cannot bring myself to forge a relationship when any hope i feel is immediately quashed by them getting hammered.
I know they will never stop drinking and for this reason i have completely unattached emotionally. I dont think this is reversible.
Im sorry to not have positive feedback for you but at least i hope you can identify with another person in a similar situation.
Last edited by rawdeal; 06-26-2008 at 12:21 PM. Reason: additional info
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Your mother sounds like she has a narcissistic personality in addition to being alcoholic.... You might want to google narcissistic personality and check it out...I know I was amazed that it described my stepmother to a T.
I'm glad you're using therapy to help you heal. I urge you not to feel guilty about not loving her, not tending to her needs, etc. You will drive yourself mad that way. In my personal opinion, someone doesn't get my love and tenderness just because they shared a few chromosomes with me. Just because someone's family doesn't mean you have to love them or want to be near them. I have a new extended family of friends and confidantes that I am much closer to, and who are much more supportive and loyal to me, than my own so-called "family," and there's not a thing wrong with that. That's life: we find our own support group, though it's nice if it's our own family, it's not a dealbreaker.
Wishing you luck!
I'm glad you're using therapy to help you heal. I urge you not to feel guilty about not loving her, not tending to her needs, etc. You will drive yourself mad that way. In my personal opinion, someone doesn't get my love and tenderness just because they shared a few chromosomes with me. Just because someone's family doesn't mean you have to love them or want to be near them. I have a new extended family of friends and confidantes that I am much closer to, and who are much more supportive and loyal to me, than my own so-called "family," and there's not a thing wrong with that. That's life: we find our own support group, though it's nice if it's our own family, it's not a dealbreaker.
Wishing you luck!
A work in progress....
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: FREE!!!! Somewhere in the Tennessee Mountains
Posts: 1,018
Hi,
Here is a link to a forum that I am a member of for families of persons with personality disorders. Specifically, borderline personality disorder. Maybe it will be of help to you:
[L4] Coping With Parents, Relatives, or Inlaws with BPD
My ex-husband is a drug addict, but he also has bpd. This forum has helped me to understand it and it has helped my adult sons to deal with their father. Neither of them has much of a relationship with him, the oldest has basically no contact with him at all now.
Take care of you, and know that you have the right to do whatever it takes to protect yourself. I'm sorry you are going through this!
Hugs
Here is a link to a forum that I am a member of for families of persons with personality disorders. Specifically, borderline personality disorder. Maybe it will be of help to you:
[L4] Coping With Parents, Relatives, or Inlaws with BPD
My ex-husband is a drug addict, but he also has bpd. This forum has helped me to understand it and it has helped my adult sons to deal with their father. Neither of them has much of a relationship with him, the oldest has basically no contact with him at all now.
Take care of you, and know that you have the right to do whatever it takes to protect yourself. I'm sorry you are going through this!
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Under the Rainbow
Posts: 1,086
but I still feel I am wrong for not caring about my mother like I should.
There are no "shoulds" in life. There are "wishes", there are "wants", there are "would be in my best interest ifs" - but no shoulds.
From where I sit, I can see absolutely no reason you "should" care for your mother. Honestly, I can never remember a time in my life when I cared for mine. She is still part of my life. I treat her with the respect and dignity that I would treat any other human being - that is to say, I treat her like someone in line at the grocery store. I am courteous, I am respectful of her humanity, but I do not love her. Nor do I feel any guilt about it. Love is something earned, not something that comes as a "package deal" by virtue of giving birth to you.
It does not sound like she's earning your love - quite the reverse in fact. She sounds like she's doing everything she possibly could to alienate you by showing disrespect to you on multiple fronts. Would you love *anyone* else who treated you that way? I sure wouldn't.
I'm very glad to hear you have a therapist. This will be (speaking as someone who didn't finally 'get it' until she was nearly 40) a difficult situation for you to find peace with. I wish you all the luck in the world in finding your peace.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Worcester, MA
Posts: 2
Thanks everyone for your help! Since my mom got my new cell number last week, she called twice saturday and 4 times today! If course I didn't pick up. 4 times? what the heck? Just seeing her name on the caller ID is enough to send my running to the hills.
Then she is going to start leaving the, "I am your mother and I care about you" voicemails. And if I do pick up one of her calls, she corners me and asks why I won't call her. Last time I told her that I needed space to figure things out and do my thing. That was about 2 months ago. If I tell her that it has to do with her, she starts defending how I grew up just as well or better than others kids adn that she did her best blah blah blah. Even then, I'm sick of it when I think back to her bahavior at my wedding last year and the last few years although she has been sober.
Kinda wish she were drunk/high and leaving me alone. She really has no idea who I am as a person and sorry, but I'm not interested in helping her figure that out. I just don't care right now and the more she pulls, the more I push away. calling me 4 times a day and leaving messages is like stalking....
Then she is going to start leaving the, "I am your mother and I care about you" voicemails. And if I do pick up one of her calls, she corners me and asks why I won't call her. Last time I told her that I needed space to figure things out and do my thing. That was about 2 months ago. If I tell her that it has to do with her, she starts defending how I grew up just as well or better than others kids adn that she did her best blah blah blah. Even then, I'm sick of it when I think back to her bahavior at my wedding last year and the last few years although she has been sober.
Kinda wish she were drunk/high and leaving me alone. She really has no idea who I am as a person and sorry, but I'm not interested in helping her figure that out. I just don't care right now and the more she pulls, the more I push away. calling me 4 times a day and leaving messages is like stalking....
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
