Solid Decisions Turn to Mush
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Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: MD
Posts: 4
Solid Decisions Turn to Mush
Hello.
I'm pretty new to Sober Recover, bu not new to Alcoholism. I've been married to my AH for over 16 years. It's been 16 years of broken promises, ups and downs and heartache. There have been good times too!
My AH is I guess, what you would call a binge A. He can go extended periods of time without drinking, but once he gets a taste it's all over. Drinks himself into oblivion. Has blackouts and is verbally abusive. I'm not telling anyone anything they don't know first-hand, but sober he is a great guy!
For the past 4 years or so I've threatened, with each drunken episode, to leave--of course, his behavior changes for a little while until I drop my guard and it starts all over again. A week ago Saturday, I had gone out of town with my youngest daughter, leaving my teenage daughter at home, hoping he would stay on the wagon. Obviously, he didn't or I wouldn't be here. Long story short, our oldest was not only afraid for her father but afraid of him as well. I felt helpless, 3 hours away and I couldn't help her. I felt like a complete failure. She went to a cousin's house and was very safe. The next day, he didn't remember anything he had said to her, including that it was her fault that the family would be "breaking-up". Even though he has apologized, I tried to explain to him that he can never take those words back! You can not un-ring a bell and she will always hear those words.
I started looking for a place to rent....and told him so. I've found and been approved for a 12 month lease on a nice condo. My mind was made up. Key word WAS...why is it they can make us second guess our decisions? He sounds so sincere with his promises.
I think the fact that it's a 12 month lease makes it harder--a year is a long time. In order to do this, I will be walking away from my marital home, my mortgage...the home itself is not that important to me, but I worry about finances. We really should sell our home. Not only do we have marital issues, we have an ARM and our mortgage has skyrocketed to almost $3900.00.
I know that my focus needs to be on my girls and myself and his needs to be on his recovery. I honestly feel that we can best focus on healing separately. After all, we could reconcile--or would we?
Any advice, encouragement or slaps in the head most appreciated.
Kat
I'm pretty new to Sober Recover, bu not new to Alcoholism. I've been married to my AH for over 16 years. It's been 16 years of broken promises, ups and downs and heartache. There have been good times too!
My AH is I guess, what you would call a binge A. He can go extended periods of time without drinking, but once he gets a taste it's all over. Drinks himself into oblivion. Has blackouts and is verbally abusive. I'm not telling anyone anything they don't know first-hand, but sober he is a great guy!
For the past 4 years or so I've threatened, with each drunken episode, to leave--of course, his behavior changes for a little while until I drop my guard and it starts all over again. A week ago Saturday, I had gone out of town with my youngest daughter, leaving my teenage daughter at home, hoping he would stay on the wagon. Obviously, he didn't or I wouldn't be here. Long story short, our oldest was not only afraid for her father but afraid of him as well. I felt helpless, 3 hours away and I couldn't help her. I felt like a complete failure. She went to a cousin's house and was very safe. The next day, he didn't remember anything he had said to her, including that it was her fault that the family would be "breaking-up". Even though he has apologized, I tried to explain to him that he can never take those words back! You can not un-ring a bell and she will always hear those words.
I started looking for a place to rent....and told him so. I've found and been approved for a 12 month lease on a nice condo. My mind was made up. Key word WAS...why is it they can make us second guess our decisions? He sounds so sincere with his promises.
I think the fact that it's a 12 month lease makes it harder--a year is a long time. In order to do this, I will be walking away from my marital home, my mortgage...the home itself is not that important to me, but I worry about finances. We really should sell our home. Not only do we have marital issues, we have an ARM and our mortgage has skyrocketed to almost $3900.00.
I know that my focus needs to be on my girls and myself and his needs to be on his recovery. I honestly feel that we can best focus on healing separately. After all, we could reconcile--or would we?
Any advice, encouragement or slaps in the head most appreciated.
Kat
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Down Under
Posts: 25
Hi Kat,
I feel for you. You and I are in a similar position. So, I'll say to you what I'd hope others would do for me. Girl, you couldn't get bigger red flags than the ones that are waving right in front of your face right now.
Your daughter had to leave the house because she was afraid of her own father. That's a biggie!
You say you've threatened after every drunken episode. So, that tells him, he'd better lay low for a bit, but hey "she'll never actually leave, she never does".
I'd say a year away would be the best this you could do for your kids and yourself. (and your AH, he needs tough love, not endless ultimatums which never actually come to anything).
All the best. I'm sure more knowledgeable people will be along shortly.
Lorrae
I feel for you. You and I are in a similar position. So, I'll say to you what I'd hope others would do for me. Girl, you couldn't get bigger red flags than the ones that are waving right in front of your face right now.
Your daughter had to leave the house because she was afraid of her own father. That's a biggie!
You say you've threatened after every drunken episode. So, that tells him, he'd better lay low for a bit, but hey "she'll never actually leave, she never does".
I'd say a year away would be the best this you could do for your kids and yourself. (and your AH, he needs tough love, not endless ultimatums which never actually come to anything).
All the best. I'm sure more knowledgeable people will be along shortly.
Lorrae
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: MD
Posts: 4
Thanks Lorrae. I know it's the right thing to do--it just sounds so good when he makes those d@mn promises.
To know that I let my daughter down breaks my heart and I know that my first responsibility is to my children.
Taking this step is huge!
To know that I let my daughter down breaks my heart and I know that my first responsibility is to my children.
Taking this step is huge!
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 66
Hi,
I'm not married, but I know (kinda) what it is to love someone so much, you really hope they can/will keep their promise to stay sober.
I ALSO know what it is to see your parent intoxicated, and to have that imprint on your brain forever.
You know, after my latest experience, I made a promise to myself to protect myself. I decided to get very serious about my choice in men. I decided that I'm not only looking for a partner, or husband, I'm looking for the future father of my children. For me, that raises the bar WAY HIGH.
There's NO WAY IN HELL I'd allow my kids to live through the hell of addiction, like what I had to.
You know, it's a curious thing, but women will put up with the worst crap for themselves, but we (usually) will move hell and high water to protect our children, and to be the best for our kids.
I send wishes for you to be strong in your move forward.
I'm not married, but I know (kinda) what it is to love someone so much, you really hope they can/will keep their promise to stay sober.
I ALSO know what it is to see your parent intoxicated, and to have that imprint on your brain forever.
You know, after my latest experience, I made a promise to myself to protect myself. I decided to get very serious about my choice in men. I decided that I'm not only looking for a partner, or husband, I'm looking for the future father of my children. For me, that raises the bar WAY HIGH.
There's NO WAY IN HELL I'd allow my kids to live through the hell of addiction, like what I had to.
You know, it's a curious thing, but women will put up with the worst crap for themselves, but we (usually) will move hell and high water to protect our children, and to be the best for our kids.
I send wishes for you to be strong in your move forward.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
Originally Posted by needtolearn 
There's NO WAY IN HELL I'd allow my kids to live through the hell of addiction, like what I had to.
If I choose to stay with an A, that is my own decision. When children are factored into the equation, I think it is best to seriously consider removing them from such an atmosphere - JMO.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Please! When you are second guessing yourself and wanting to listen to those empty promises of his, remember your children! They deserve to live without fear of their parent. If you cannot do this for yourself, do it for them.
I remember very well what it was like growing up in al alcoholic family. I didn't want to come home. I lived dreading seeing my parents drunk. I knew that when he was drunk, my father would pick the vicitm of the day (mom, me or one of my brothers) and that meant verbal and physical abuse. I remember hating myself because I knew I must be responsible, must be a bad kid. I remember thinking that there must be something wrong with me for the parents I loved to abuse me or neglect me. I am still unlearning these things at 53. Its at least part of the reason I ended up marrying an alcoholic.
I remember very well what it was like growing up in al alcoholic family. I didn't want to come home. I lived dreading seeing my parents drunk. I knew that when he was drunk, my father would pick the vicitm of the day (mom, me or one of my brothers) and that meant verbal and physical abuse. I remember hating myself because I knew I must be responsible, must be a bad kid. I remember thinking that there must be something wrong with me for the parents I loved to abuse me or neglect me. I am still unlearning these things at 53. Its at least part of the reason I ended up marrying an alcoholic.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: MD
Posts: 4
Thank you all so very much! I know this is the right thing to do. I'm a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. This is the first time I've been able to find a new place to live in our area that I can afford and that is in a nice neighborhood. And the fact that the landlord will take a chance on me with my current credit score--which by the way has gone from AWESOME to the toilet over the past 2 years. I have a great job--I used to work out of my home--with supportive managers. Everything is falling into place.
We had a half decent conversation last night. As always it turned to me and what my issues are--in his mind I'm having an affair, after all that must be why I want to leave.
I know I have my own issues and to work on them and my relationship with my girls, I need to remove us from the current situation.
I have my lease in hand...this weekend I will take it to my parents so that they can sign it. Imagine that--I'm 43 and for the first time in my life I need a co-signor. Used to be a time when I was the one helping out everyone else, including my parents.
My strong personality is part of the non-working equation. My personality didn't allow for him to be as strong he needed to be. I was always there to take charge and "fix" things.
As an added note: I DIDN"T grow up in a family with substance abuse...noone drank in our family. I think that's part of the reason it has been so hard for me to comprehend. To those survivors with AP's, thanks for sharing how it affected you in your youth and as adults...I needed that perspective.
Anyway--say a prayer for me that I find the strength to sign the lease and move on.
We had a half decent conversation last night. As always it turned to me and what my issues are--in his mind I'm having an affair, after all that must be why I want to leave.
I know I have my own issues and to work on them and my relationship with my girls, I need to remove us from the current situation.
I have my lease in hand...this weekend I will take it to my parents so that they can sign it. Imagine that--I'm 43 and for the first time in my life I need a co-signor. Used to be a time when I was the one helping out everyone else, including my parents.
My strong personality is part of the non-working equation. My personality didn't allow for him to be as strong he needed to be. I was always there to take charge and "fix" things.
As an added note: I DIDN"T grow up in a family with substance abuse...noone drank in our family. I think that's part of the reason it has been so hard for me to comprehend. To those survivors with AP's, thanks for sharing how it affected you in your youth and as adults...I needed that perspective.
Anyway--say a prayer for me that I find the strength to sign the lease and move on.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
My exah also was just sure that my asking him to leave was due to an affair. I've heard that a lot on this forum. I guess it's denial on the A's part that the reason for separation/divorce is due to their addiction rather than ANY other disgruntlement.
You sound like a great mom with a good attitude. Stay strong in your study of codependency and realize that letting go and allowing your husband to face the consequences of his own behavior is a good thing. Also, teaching your daughters that this is not the way a wife and mother should be treated is great modeling for them. Keep coming back, Kat. Especially when you're feeling shaky in your decision. I believe you are on the right path for yourself and your daughters, and paving the way for your husband to see what choices he needs to make more clearly.
You sound like a great mom with a good attitude. Stay strong in your study of codependency and realize that letting go and allowing your husband to face the consequences of his own behavior is a good thing. Also, teaching your daughters that this is not the way a wife and mother should be treated is great modeling for them. Keep coming back, Kat. Especially when you're feeling shaky in your decision. I believe you are on the right path for yourself and your daughters, and paving the way for your husband to see what choices he needs to make more clearly.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
To this day, my xAH has convinced himself I left him for another man. (Heck, I haven't even begun to consider dating!) He refuses to recognize he and his behaviors led to my decision. He refuses to admit to being an alcoholic. He continues to live in victimhood. I pray that someday he can admit and work on his issues but his fantasy world has no effect on me.
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
I'm not telling anyone anything they don't know first-hand, but sober he is a great guy!
it just sounds so good when he makes those d@mn promises
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Join Date: May 2008
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 110
Kat53165-
To know that I let my daughter down breaks my heart and I know that my first responsibility is to my children.
The first responsiblity is to yourself. I know this sounds hard/harsh. But until you start taking care of yourself there will not be anyone there to take care of the kids.
I wished I had gotten into my recovery (Al-Alon) when I first realized that my RAH was in deed an alcholoic. I think my life as well as our childrens lives would be a whole lot better today. They have been through so much "verbal" abuse that I should win the bad mom award. I had always been taught once you're married, you should stay married.
Looking back, had I gotten in recovery back then would I still be with him? Probably not. Do I regret staying with him? At times, when I am in my self pitty mode, like I have been today. But with looking and reading post, I am getting back to myself.
Thanks to all that post here, for your words of wisdom.
To know that I let my daughter down breaks my heart and I know that my first responsibility is to my children.
The first responsiblity is to yourself. I know this sounds hard/harsh. But until you start taking care of yourself there will not be anyone there to take care of the kids.
I wished I had gotten into my recovery (Al-Alon) when I first realized that my RAH was in deed an alcholoic. I think my life as well as our childrens lives would be a whole lot better today. They have been through so much "verbal" abuse that I should win the bad mom award. I had always been taught once you're married, you should stay married.
Looking back, had I gotten in recovery back then would I still be with him? Probably not. Do I regret staying with him? At times, when I am in my self pitty mode, like I have been today. But with looking and reading post, I am getting back to myself.
Thanks to all that post here, for your words of wisdom.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 369
Originally Posted by Kat53165
My strong personality is part of the non-working equation. My personality didn't allow for him to be as strong he needed to be. I was always there to take charge and "fix" things.
As an added note: I DIDN"T grow up in a family with substance abuse...noone drank in our family. I think that's part of the reason it has been so hard for me to comprehend.
As an added note: I DIDN"T grow up in a family with substance abuse...noone drank in our family. I think that's part of the reason it has been so hard for me to comprehend.
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