dolphy

I guess as I get more into my recovery, the more I realize what a habit I've made out of ignoring emotions. It used to be that this was necessary, as the only view point that was 'right' was that of the alcoholic. I guess as I get into my recovery, I keep on realizing little traits of mine that used to be necessary in order to function in an active alcoholic setting and that these old habits have out lived their purpose.

Thus, I am overwhelmed with the task of trying to take it one day at a time and pick out new ways of living. While I feel I am making progress in certain areas, it is the relationships with the people that I have the most history that I am having difficulty. My qualifiers are healthy, but I find that I have so much bitterness and anger coming out at the most unexpected times. These feelings -confusion, anger, resentment, I have never taken the time to experience these emotions and now that I am finally in a safe place to experience them- but I now realize that I have no tools for appropriately dealing with them.

What I am coming here to ask is what are the tools you have learned to use in recovery in dealing with these emotions?

Thankyou for listening.

loner1968

I have a real problem with bitterness also. It sometimes feels that it is just a part of me. I really don't know how to get rid of it. It is always there amd sometimes it can really mess me up. its not easy i know that much.

i4getsm

Is it possible for you to journal out your issues that cause the bitterness so that you can see what you are holding on to against these people? If you can write it out, then maybe you can find the source. Look at your role and their role. Ultimately, it's about forgiving the past. No one can change what has happened in the past. It's done and gone. Forgiveness is obviously not that simple. the thing that has helped me is to think of it in terms of God's plan. Everything I have experienced up to this point has gotten me where I am today. If any one thing had not happened, I would not be here. I BELIEVE that God has a purpose for my life, and right now today, life is good. I forgive the people in my past because I wouldn't be in this place without those things happening. That all sounds great right? I admit that I find myself falling down at times, especially if I have a repeat offender, but I'm REALLY trying to let go of the things that are actually holding me (and not the offender, ya know?).

It sounds like you are well on your way through recovery and setting good boundaries for yourself. It's much easier to forgive when you have put protections in place to avoid being hurt again. I hope this helps.

needtolearn

You know, I was just reading something on forgiveness tonight.

Basically, the author said that you simply make a decision to forgive, not for the offenders, but for you.

Now, this was Christian based stuff, but it was very practical. The point the author made, was that when we hold on to offenses, we aren't hurting anyone but ourselves. We can't change the past. That doesn't mean the offense or abuse is okay. We don't have to like it, we don't have to like the person, we don't have to allow them back into our lives if they are dangerous to our well being. Forgiveness doesn't mean "I'll keep putting up with it". It means "I choose to let this go. I choose to reclaim my power in this situation, so that I can move on with my life". That way, you're not being victimized over and over again by the offense/abuse.

I'm learning every day, that the most important relationship, is the one that you have with yourself. If you let down the burden of bitterness, you'll be able to move on to bigger, better things/experiences. Bitter roots just weigh you down, and poison your character, spirit, and personality. I'm not perfect at this, but I thought I'd share it.

abcdefg

hi, dolphy.

i can share one thing that really helped me in the beginning of my recovery. i was trying to cope with so much feeling and i felt so much rage toward those who had brought such destruction into my life through the disease of alcoholism. i also felt angry and bitter toward everyone else. i was pretty sick in my thinking.

my sponsor suggested that i keep my mouth shut. now she did NOT mean for me to swallow my feelings. it's so important that i was having these feelings to understand them and to let them out. but she meant that until i had a clearer head, perhaps it wasn't wise to take any of those feelings to anyone who i was angry with. instead, i took them to my sponsor, a meeting, my journal.

they did not pass quickly. they are really simple and really complicated for me all at the same time. but i am SO grateful that i didn't unleash them on everyone around me.

in time, i've confronted various people with various issues. other stuff i've never said anything about.

abc

lizw

and tell them about it. Tell them how so and so is a M*** F*** and why. Express how you feel but you don't have to lay it at the feet of the person you feel resentment towards. They'll listen to you.

Get some physical excercise too. Walking, running, swimming are great ways to release anger.

If you really think you are going to loose it, excuse yourself and go to the bathroom. I spent a lot of time sitting in the bathroom when I first started going to Al Anon because I wasn't sure I could control my temper. And I believe I use to say the 3rd step prayer over and over.

Get a sponsor and start on the steps and you'll find things that work well for you too.

abcdefg

i loved your entire post but this made me bust out laughing. i totally did this as well. i still rely on a well-timed bathroom break in a pinch!

dolphy

I guess I've never really connected forgiveness with bitterness before, but I see now how that makes sense. I guess what has helped me these past two days is slowing down and living in the present. I find that surrendering my will to my HP as I understand him is the most difficult task. And even right now, this very moment, after an incredibly wonderful day, I find myself reluctant to trust the wonder I find myself surrounded in. It's like, I'm so stubborn, so reluctant and scared and often unwilling to let go of anything and everything at all that I keep myself from enjoying everything there is to enjoy. I guess what I need to realize that it is no longer necessary to be on guard all the time, always waiting for chaos.

Thanks for listening, I appreciate the thought provoking responses.

Barbara52

I took me quite a while to truly learn to be able to really trust in God and turn things over to Him. I suppose it was a faith process I was in for years in one way or another. But when you do find your own way to do this, you will be amazed at the changes in yourself. Keep practing it. Keep feeling it. It can make a difference in your life in oh so many ways.