gracieo

Hi this is a wonderful site and has helped me enormously.
This is my first post
I have no idea if my partner is an alcoholic, what an alcoholic is - but i know his drinking is a problem.When i met him he was drinking in the pub most nights .I got pregnant and now 7 years later we have three beautiful angels. Fatherhood hasnt settled him like i thought it would he drinks regularly to a lesser or greater degree.He has lost his licence 3 times in his life for dui and has got into other trouble fighting etc.Lately his drinking has deteriorated.Dui, staying out all night and a few nights ago the police called at 4 am to my house to see if he was there- his jeep was crashed out the road. Needless to say i dindnt have a clue where he was! I have asked him several times to leave to no avail. After this last incident i decided that this friday i am leaving with my kids for my brothers house to figure out whats next , find some peace...

Today i was explaining to my mother in law what and why i was going and she said she often felt so much tension in my house she said surely the kids must feel it too and be effected. I now feel so defeated that i havnt been able to protect my children from this i have been stuffing down this anger resentment, and mostly my deep sadness for the loss of my relationship and my dreams!
I also cant stop thinking how much of a role i have played in this failed relationship with my codie behaviour , maybe the drinking has nothing to do with it - even though he was drinking long before i met him.
So this is what i do- constantly climb up the ladder and the knock myself back down with guilt blame etc
I feel deep down that this is not my fault i have done everything i can do and yet i also feel i should be taking some responsibility but for what i dont know--aagh

Barbara52

Welcome! I hope you find SR to be as helpful as I have.

It sounds like you are going to take the first steps to help yourself and your children have a better life. That is great. Please don't bash yourself for what choices you've made in the past. You did what you saw as the right thing at that time. You now see things differently, a sign of growth in your understanding perhaps. You can't change the past but you can take actions and make better choices for yourself going forward.

You will get through all this. So will your children.

i4getsm

I think your feelings are perfectly normal behavior. I have felt (do feel) the same as you for awhile now. I waffle between feeling like I had nothing to do with the failed relationship with my A, feeling like I caused it all, and feeling like it was 50/50. I know the real truth lies somewhere in between all of these options. The best you can do today is to focus on getting you and your kids in a safe place. You CAN get better. You CAN make today a good day for YOU and YOUR KIDS. I really thought detaching was going to be a horrible process, but it has helped me so much to remove myself from my STBXAH's problems. I can change ME and the environment for my kids. I can't change my A. He's got to figure out what he wants in this life and make his own choices.

Welcome and keep reading/posting. This board is extremely helpful and giving.

cem001

I too have 3 beautiful children who have suffered greatly at their RAF's hand. Not to mention the role I played by NOT getting out. I married young (17) and he was 21. Owned his own business. We had our first child after 5 years. There is not a day that goes by that I don't wonder what it would have been like to have a "normal, sane" life for them.

He was never abusive physically, but the mental was enough to drive a person to suicide. My RAH has been sober now 3 years and 8 months. He still goes through his dry drunks, to which I don't know which is worse, the dry or wet.

I have found that Al-Anon, and the wisdom of the elders are exactly what I need to find scerenity. I read a lot, and meditate a lot.

I am still with the husband (21 years later) things are better to a degree. He has a better relationship with his children.

I didn't know any better to attend Al-Anon, or our lives would have been much different right now.

Good luck, and start taking care of yourself first and then the children. One thing I have learned is if I don't take care of me first, then there will be nobody to take care of the kids.

Give yourself time daily for reading, a hot bath, "coffee outside where it's quiet".

gracieo

Thank you all for your support. My partner is a very loving father, a very hard worker and had a very troubled upbringing. All of this cannot overcome his drinking and associated behaviour.I was told today that in our home has always been cold and full of tension- its like a kick in the teeth! However the problems have been there from the very beginning- all the nights i held a tiny newborn waiting for him to fall home-i suppose i have been on edge all this time i just thought it didnt effect the environment all the time and it breaks my heart to think that there is/has been a constant bad environment for my kids.
Its really hard giving up on the dream i had for myself and my children.
I realise i need to move forward and its scary not knowing whats ahead but there is great comfort to be had here- thank you.

cem001

My heart breaks for you, because most of us have been there.

Barbara52

As someone who grew up in an alcoholic household, I know it had an effect on me from a very young age. But, and this is a very important but, you can act to mitigate and correct any harm your children have due to their family situation.

One of the biggest things that would have helped me would ahve been having one parent who dealt with the issues in the family, who helped me understand what was going on, who protected me from the effects of an alcoholic parent.

I am unlearning what I learned as a child. But it can be unlearned and with a much younger start, your children can come out of this just fine. I am not saying that you have to leave either, unless that ends up being your choice. You can all learn to live in a healthier manner starting today. Attending AlAnon or AlaTeen depending on their ages can be very helpful. Individual therapy or family thereapy can work wonders.

gracieo

Thanks Barbara
My children are very young eldest of the 3 is just 6 . I think its a major factor for me not leaving things as they are any longer . The older they get the harder it is . Its amazing even though there is no physical abuse in our house some rows but not constant, it is the constant stuffing down of feelings and unspoken words that create anger in a person and in children too i suppose.
There is always this little voice that tries to convince you things are not so bad , and definitely not worth leaving over and breaking up a family ,and maybe thats why people stay so long , always convincing yourself its not so bad and meanwhile everyone is getting angrier and angrier and the tension is building.
I fear what separation will do to my children as much as staying will do - does that make any sense.
Thanks again and peace to all.

matrix

I too grew up with an alcoholic parent and I totally echo what Barbara52 says. Don't worry so much about your past choices, focus on doing what you can do (big or small) to take good care of yourself and your kids going forward.


Also, you said "I was told today that in our home has always been cold and full of tension." I have heard that constantly from my ASO and I know from other posts that others have heard it too. It seems to be a common complaint from the addict and, IMO, is totally aimed at putting you on the defensive and taking the focus of his own bad behaviour. My guess is he's the one creating the tension and the distance, while you try to figure out to keep everyone happy all the time. Remember that his judgement is impaired due to alcohol abuse and his focus is to protect his drinking. Don't buy into his distorted thinking.

You are being strong and doing the right thing to focus on your own and your kids' best interests. Take care of yourself. You can rest assured that he will take care of himself, regardless of the consequences for you.

Kindeyes

gracieo
Of course there was tension in your home! It's very difficult living with a person who is an active alcoholic. It's even more difficult living with an active alcoholic who is getting behind the wheel of a car. It is almost impossible to live a peaceful, serene life when the active alcoholic is getting their license taken away due to multiple dui's.

But YOU weren't doing those things! You weren't the one creating chaos!

You can't change the past but you are taking steps to impact the future.....for you and your children.

Stick around here. You'll find LOTS of support from others who have been in similar situations. You are not alone.

gentle hugs

gracieo

Thanks Matrix-I think if it was partner that said it i wouldnt be anywhere near as cut up. It was his mother that said she has never felt comfortable in our home , like it was cold and not like a warm family environment. I am just gutted , it kind of brings it home how its been since the very beginning ,and what little hope we have if its never been right in the first place.
I think ive been sad for a long time.

Bernadette

Hiya Gracie--
I fear what separation will do to my children as much as staying will do - does that make any sense.

Well, we all know nothing changes if nothing changes and you are on the verge of making a change for the better. This doesn't mean "easy" but it does mean that you now have an opportunity to change how things have been.

The past is gone you are free in this moment!

Free to make a warmer more open honest life with your children. Free to call it what it is "alcoholism." Free to make the life you want to make.

It sounds like you are making a good choice for your own sanity and for the future mental health of your kids. Of course how things were has affected them. But don't beat yourself up - just start letting them know that you know it has been hard, or tense, or whatever its been and that now you're going to work towards a new home atmosphere that is healthier, and safer to express feelings etc.

It maybe hard but it will be worth it. Even with all the financial hardship, loneliness, "shattered dream" feelings etc, my 2 boys and I have been way happier and healthier than we ever were when I was married to their dad. All theses struggles I've taken on have been much easier and better than even a single day in my lousy marriage!!

Good luck to you Gracie- keep posting - keep trying!!!!
Peace,
B.