Codependent No More - Book Club topic #1
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Codependent No More - Book Club topic #1
I really found the chapter defining detachment to very interesting. I think I pictured detachment as the cold, hostile withdrawal version.
Beattie says (this is a summary of a couple of pages): Define what detachment means to you. What are some ways you would like to detach?
Beattie says (this is a summary of a couple of pages):
Detachment is not a cold, hostile withdrawal...a Pollyanna-like ignorant bliss; a shirking of our true responsibilities to ourselves or others...nor is it a removal of our love and concern. Ideally, detachment is releasing...a person or problem in love.
We can't solve problems that aren't ours to solve and that worrying doesn't help...tend to our own instead. We do what we can to solve a problem, and then we stop fretting and stewing...we learn to live with, or in spite of, that problem.
Detachment involves "present moment living"...We each mind our own business.
We can't solve problems that aren't ours to solve and that worrying doesn't help...tend to our own instead. We do what we can to solve a problem, and then we stop fretting and stewing...we learn to live with, or in spite of, that problem.
Detachment involves "present moment living"...We each mind our own business.
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For me, detaching means stepping out of my STBXAH's drinking problem. He knows how I feel about it. I've tried to "help" him, but it's no longer my problem to solve. I've done what I can and now he has to pick up the responsibility. I no longer ask about it. I don't check up on him. Granted this is easier for me because he doesn't live here anymore. Other forms of detachment for me are going to be to stop trying to solve everyone's problem that I hear about. I struggle with this. Even posting on this board or any of the other boards I belong to, I feel somewhat compelled to answer certain posts that feel are very similar to my own...because I want to help those people. I am doing better though. I'm not getting caught up in it if the problem doesn't get resolved. And I'm not offering unsolicited advice...most of the time. 
I think the part of "detachment" that rings most true to me is doing it "in love". I'm not saying "sorry - I can't help you". I'm saying "I can help if you want it but I'm not going to do so much that I drive myself crazy". Is that still codie talk?
I think the part of "detachment" that rings most true to me is doing it "in love". I'm not saying "sorry - I can't help you". I'm saying "I can help if you want it but I'm not going to do so much that I drive myself crazy". Is that still codie talk?
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To me detachment has meant to let my XABF live his life without me in it and live my life without him in mine.
He left, he moved on yet continued to bother me. I finally got to the point where I realized that he doesn't care about me as he is an A and doesn't really care about anyone. I
t was too painful to keep tabs on him, wish he would call, wait for him to call when he said he would, tell me he still loves me etc, and me being worroed all the time. I am not wanted in his life and I guess that was the biggest thing for me to deal with. To be dropped so fast and so thoroughly.
I still feel bad sometimes about how it all happened but I am over the shock and detaching from him and not keeping up with his business is just easier for me.
He left, he moved on yet continued to bother me. I finally got to the point where I realized that he doesn't care about me as he is an A and doesn't really care about anyone. I
t was too painful to keep tabs on him, wish he would call, wait for him to call when he said he would, tell me he still loves me etc, and me being worroed all the time. I am not wanted in his life and I guess that was the biggest thing for me to deal with. To be dropped so fast and so thoroughly.
I still feel bad sometimes about how it all happened but I am over the shock and detaching from him and not keeping up with his business is just easier for me.
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