question about AA meetings

Old 06-23-2008, 01:31 PM
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question about AA meetings

I'm new here, but have a question regarding my AH's AA meetings.

My husband has been sober now for 3 years and has historically attended meetings 2 - 3 times per week. Within the last two months, he has suddenly decided to go every night. Although I support his meetings, this every night deal is leaving no time for us. He comes home from work, jumps in the shower and leaves. We live in the country, so a one hour meeting is more like a 2 1/2 hour one. By the time he comes home, it's well after 9:00 and close to bedtime. We can't go out for dinner, to a movie or anything because he " has a meeting". I know I need to be supportive, but if I'm going to be single, then I might as well truly be!

I have tried to talk to him and ask why the sudden increase in meetings, but I get nowhere. He says I'm trying to control him and that I can't possibly understand because I'm not an AA member. I understand that there are things I don't get, but right now I feel that I'm being totally shut out of his life. How do I get through this?

I thought him getting sober was going to be the answer to my prayers, but it seems that he's traded an alcohol addiction for a meeting addiction with the end result being the same - no time for a marriage.

If anyone can help, I'd appreciate it.
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Old 06-23-2008, 01:51 PM
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Originally Posted by painthorse60 View Post
I have tried to talk to him and ask why the sudden increase in meetings, but I get nowhere. He says I'm trying to control him and that I can't possibly understand because I'm not an AA member.
My husband is in recovery as well and he goes to 2-3 meetings a week and works with his sponsies 1-2 times a week. I do know that sometimes if he is in a rut he will go to more meetings...but, if I asked him why he was going to more meetings he would talk to me about it. The comment that he made above is kind of concerning to me, it does not sound like someone who is working a good program. Is he always like that when you try to talk to him or just lately?
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Old 06-23-2008, 02:03 PM
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There are times that RA's need more meetings to continue to achieve their sobriety. Maybe it's nothing. I would follow your gut. Talk to him.
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Old 06-23-2008, 02:05 PM
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Again, have you tried attending an open AA meeting with him? I try to do this once or twice a week with my RAH. It answers a lot of your questions sometimes. Also, seek an Al-Anon meeting. Get their advice.
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Old 06-23-2008, 02:26 PM
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Originally Posted by cem001 View Post
Again, have you tried attending an open AA meeting with him? I try to do this once or twice a week with my RAH. It answers a lot of your questions sometimes. Also, seek an Al-Anon meeting. Get their advice.
This is a great recommendation I also do this and I have also met some wonderful friends doing this. But it has really taught me a lot.
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Old 06-23-2008, 03:06 PM
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Whatever his reasons for more meetings (and they certainly could be good reasons), there is no call for him to accuse you of being controlling or cutting off communication. Some behaviors are just unacceptable and that is one that I find is sure to cause problems. Discussing your feelings with him is a healty thing to do for both of you as I see it.
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Old 06-23-2008, 05:02 PM
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Well, I tried again tonight to talk to him and got the usual reaction - rage. He took off on his Harley - I have no idea where. His parting shot was that if he went and drank tonight it would be my fault for being a b***. He has no desire whatsoever to communicate with me at all unless we're talking about the weather or one of our grown kids.
Realistically, I know he's actually trying to control me by fear - and I hate to say it, but it's working. All I'm asking for is for him to explain to me why he feels that he has to go to mettings every night when he hasn't in the past. I'm not trying to question his program or recovery or whatever, but for some reason ANY question from me is threatening.
Pretty sure I've reached my limit this time. Not so much the lack of time or effort put into our marriage, but after 15 years of active addiction and going through rehab and all the rest, I've just had enough. Does that sound callous? I do love him, but I need to be more to somebody than a housekeeper and secretary!

Has anyone else on here ever suffered through the hard parts and then just reached their limit? It doesn't really make sense to me because the years of active addiction were really hard and I put up with an awful lot just becasue I really do love him. This name calling and breaking things in a rage is mild compared to past behaviors, but I've just reached a point in my life where I can't take anymore. I just want peace!
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Old 06-23-2008, 05:17 PM
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Originally Posted by painthorse60 View Post
Pretty sure I've reached my limit this time. Not so much the lack of time or effort put into our marriage, but after 15 years of active addiction and going through rehab and all the rest, I've just had enough. Does that sound callous? I do love him, but I need to be more to somebody than a housekeeper and secretary!
Nope, not callous. Not selfish either. It takes 2 to make a marriage work. It takes 2 to be a couple. It takes work on both sides to have a relationship.

Originally Posted by painthorse60 View Post
Has anyone else on here ever suffered through the hard parts and then just reached their limit? It doesn't really make sense to me because the years of active addiction were really hard and I put up with an awful lot just becasue I really do love him. This name calling and breaking things in a rage is mild compared to past behaviors, but I've just reached a point in my life where I can't take anymore. I just want peace!
You have right to peace! Do you go to AlAnon or individual therap? Therapy did wonders for me.
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Old 06-23-2008, 05:55 PM
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Cool

"...He took off on his Harley - I have no idea where. His parting shot was that if he went and drank tonight it would be my fault for being a b***..."

Well, number one, you are NOT a b****; second, although you are a powerful woman (all womyn in relationships with alcoholics/addicts are strong womyn), BUT even you are not strong enough 'make' him drink tonight; and finally, if he does drink, I shore hope he don't hurt that thar Harley..... (o:

There were a couple of things that you said about what you said to him that perhaps could have been said differently.....BUT his reactions to you are totally outta line.....to me it sounds like there might be more goin' on than just meetings.....


You said.....:

1) "...I have tried to talk to him and ask why the sudden increase in meetings..." and

2) "...All I'm asking for is for him to explain to me why he feels that he has to go to mettings every night when he hasn't in the past..."


Now obviously I don't know exactly what words you used or how you went about these questions, but (now, don't get mad now) his REASON(S) for going to more meetings now really isn't any of your business. Perhaps, if you have another chance, you might want to leave asking him why out of the conversation and just talk like you've talked here....like: you see eachother so rarely, right now you feel that you're being totally shut out of his life....

Anyway, I hope you get through this [well, shucks, of course you'll get through this.... (o: ]......hang tough grrl


NoelleR
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Old 06-23-2008, 07:43 PM
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I'm sorry to be ms. suspicious mind, painthorse, but I remember you saying also that he's recently been seeing a lot of a married woman from your area, picking her up to take her to these meetings, etc.?

What is your gut telling you about all of this?
--sudden increase in meetings
--suddenly needs to find support and solace with this woman
--gets angry when you question him (breaking things? gosh is this the kind of life you want?)

You sound like a really nice lady, supportive through the worst of times, and I wouldn't ever want to see you hurt, but it seems like you might be overlooking one possibility here?..... It may be nothing at all, but still, the disrespect and the anger is nothing you should have to put up with.

You have a right to a peaceful life where you feel safe and feel valued. Being with someone who won't talk to you, who dominates you with fear, does NOT sound like the kind of life that -- when you get to the end of it -- you're gonna look back and say, "I had a great life and I squeezed all the happiness out of it that I could." I don't blame you one bit for wanting an end to all of the doubt and chaos. You've done your best, you did the right things, now it's time to take care of YOU, whatever action that means taking.

Hugs to you, to do what's right for yourself.

GL
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Old 06-23-2008, 08:18 PM
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Painthorse60: You wrote, in another thread "All of a sudden he's going every single night AND giving a woman that lives nearby a ride each and every time. I can't figure out why all of a sudden she's become incapable of driving herself. She's calling my husband every day to set up their nightly rides together and it's driving me nuts."

Something is not right here. The behaviour, the rages, the shutting you out, etc...you must feel terrible. I know that you don't deserve this. Can you seek a counselor to help you sort your feelings out and perhaps see your way through to a resolution that works for YOU?
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Old 06-23-2008, 09:02 PM
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Painthorse: My RAH and I talk about his meeting and how often he goes to them. I know it's hard when they're going all the time, because throughout the drinking time I know I always thought "if he could just stop, we could spend more time together and have a stronger marriage" Then he stopped drinking and is going to meetings all the time. RAH leaves at 7 for an 8pm meeting, does the hour meeting, then goes for coffee afterwards - 3 times a week. By the time he gets home I'm in bed.
When I asked him about it and expressed to him that it was frustrating because I never got to see him, he explained that he's worried about the summer, but after summer he's going to see how he feels at 2 meetings a week, and he mentioned that he didn't need to go for coffee three nights a week after meetings.
I remember asking RAH about your concerns (re: your hubby bringing the lady neighbour to and from meetings) And he said it goes against what they taught him in AA. Men stick with men and ladies stick with ladies. His words "Although if she was stuck for a ride and really needed a meeting, sure he could take her there, but not all the time"

I think it's time for you to see a counselor. You need to worry about yourself and like the others said - work through this
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Old 06-24-2008, 04:41 AM
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I've actually been thinking about seeing a counselor. Have an Emlpoyee program through my work that will pay for a couple of sessions - going to look into it.

Question for NoelleR - Why is it out of line for me to ask him these questions? I honestly don't understand. I guess maybe my perception of marriage is wrong, but I thought when you were marreid to somebody, you shared everything. Maybe I have a problem here. I just don't see what's wrong with me asking him why he needs to go every day. If there's something going on in his life, shouldn't I, as his wife, be worthy of knowing?
I actually think that's part of the reason why he won't communicate with me. No need to since he shares all he has to in his meetings. I guess, in a way, I feel as if the bond between us has been replaced with the bond with his AA buddies. If that's the case, I'm definitely out of here. I don't want to be in a superficial relationship where I'm only privy to that which he deigns to share. To me, a spouse should be a soulmate and best friend in addition to a bed partner and a roommate. Maybe my idea of marriage is wrong, but that's how I feel inside. I guess I feel that it's just not fair since the rules changed in the middle. When we started out 28 years ago, we both wanted that type of a marriage - now he doesn't want to share anything with me and I feel cheated. I know - life isn't fair, but ......

I'm sure I'm wrong somehow - somebody set me straight. And - I'm not mad at anything anybody says here - I'm definitely trying to learn and appreciate everybody's input.
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Old 06-24-2008, 06:44 AM
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Give Love, I wanted to write this as well, but couldn't put it in a "decent" way.

I know from past experience (RAH) sometimes when something is new and they find that someone else shares and shows "interest" in them, they tend to get a big head, and start thinking with the wrong part of their body. Maybe someone else is giving him some type of emotional (not saying it's right, because believe you me, it's NOT) bond that he thinks he needs.

I went through a similar situation when my RAH was still active. All of a sudden there were phone calls coming into his cell phone as normal phone calls, then when I answered them (due to him driving) she asked to speak to him, I gave him the phone they spoke and got disconnected, she called right back and blocked her number. Phone calls to and from her all the time, him stating that she was coming over to say hi and good mornng everyday while he was at work (she worked across the street & they went to the same bar). I told him that it was behavior that NO married man should be doing and I got the third degree.

I still say, you should consider attending some open meetings with him. They will be very helpful.

REMEMBER, if he chooses to go out and drink it is NOT your fault. The three C's are so important here.
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