Anyone have a few kind words to spare?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Pittsburgh, PA
Posts: 19
Anyone have a few kind words to spare?
Cause if you do...I sure could use them.
I've only posted here a few times before so I guess I'm a newbie. My AH left yesterday and I have no idea where he is. I'm worried sick, mad as all get out and a crying wreck of a woman. Not pretty.
A little background....in the past few years my AH has gone to rehab twice (completely his idea), the most recent being just a few weeks ago. He goes to AA every day, has a sponsor....in other words he's doing everything he can to stay sober. But it ain't working and I am a MESS.
He drank on Sun....got furious with himself, packed up and stormed out. He has called me twice but the last time was last night and now nothing.
I'm pacing, calling, crying, screaming.....all those things I shouldn't be doing but I just can't get a grip. I guess I'm slowly coming to the sad realization that our marriage isn't going to make it.....it just makes me unbearably sad.
Thank you all for listening. I just can't talk to anyone about this yet.
I've only posted here a few times before so I guess I'm a newbie. My AH left yesterday and I have no idea where he is. I'm worried sick, mad as all get out and a crying wreck of a woman. Not pretty.
A little background....in the past few years my AH has gone to rehab twice (completely his idea), the most recent being just a few weeks ago. He goes to AA every day, has a sponsor....in other words he's doing everything he can to stay sober. But it ain't working and I am a MESS.
He drank on Sun....got furious with himself, packed up and stormed out. He has called me twice but the last time was last night and now nothing.
I'm pacing, calling, crying, screaming.....all those things I shouldn't be doing but I just can't get a grip. I guess I'm slowly coming to the sad realization that our marriage isn't going to make it.....it just makes me unbearably sad.
Thank you all for listening. I just can't talk to anyone about this yet.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
((iluvmygurlz))
sounds like you are having a very difficult day. And are in a lot of pain. I hate that you are going thru that and am praying for peace and comfort for you.
You say that your husband has been going to meetings, etc. If I may can I ask, have you attended any al-anon meetings? The reason I ask is because when relapses have happened with my loved ones, I have found great comfort in attending a meeting and feeling the warmth and understand of others who have been in the same place I am at the moment.
I have been given the gentle reminders about the 3 c's - You didn't cause this, you can't control it and you can't cure it. But you can take care of yourself.
It has been helpful to me - to use the slogans to help me thru this difficult times and also spend time connecting with my HP.
All of these things did nothing to change the actions of my loved ones, but it did help me feel the inner calmness. It did not erase the pain. But it did help realize that the pain will not control my life.
Breathe, my friend, breathe!!
HUGS,
Rita
sounds like you are having a very difficult day. And are in a lot of pain. I hate that you are going thru that and am praying for peace and comfort for you.
You say that your husband has been going to meetings, etc. If I may can I ask, have you attended any al-anon meetings? The reason I ask is because when relapses have happened with my loved ones, I have found great comfort in attending a meeting and feeling the warmth and understand of others who have been in the same place I am at the moment.
I have been given the gentle reminders about the 3 c's - You didn't cause this, you can't control it and you can't cure it. But you can take care of yourself.
It has been helpful to me - to use the slogans to help me thru this difficult times and also spend time connecting with my HP.
All of these things did nothing to change the actions of my loved ones, but it did help me feel the inner calmness. It did not erase the pain. But it did help realize that the pain will not control my life.
Breathe, my friend, breathe!!
HUGS,
Rita
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
((iluvmygurlz))
I'm so sorry you're having this kind of a day.
I think the moments that hurt the most are these "realization" moments, when we have to face the pain of knowing that all our efforts might be for naught, and we might have to start fresh on a new path for ourselves.
You have a right to feel mad, to feel disappointed, to feel let down. I'm glad you're here and not trying to completely stuff those feelings down. They're so normal.
I agree with Rita that an al-anon meeting -- even though it might seem like a herculean effort to get to one in your frame of mind -- might be really helpful at this point. In times like these, I found that just having a forum like that, where I could vent my anger and sadness and disappointment among people who "got it" was very helpful in getting me stable again.
Remember that your marriage is just one part of your life. A big part, sure, but you're still You, you still love your gurls
, you still have your own reason for having been dropped down on this planet, you still have a huge possibility for joy in your future life, REGARDLESS of your husband's choices.
Hugs to you, to help you through this.
I'm so sorry you're having this kind of a day.
I think the moments that hurt the most are these "realization" moments, when we have to face the pain of knowing that all our efforts might be for naught, and we might have to start fresh on a new path for ourselves.
You have a right to feel mad, to feel disappointed, to feel let down. I'm glad you're here and not trying to completely stuff those feelings down. They're so normal.
I agree with Rita that an al-anon meeting -- even though it might seem like a herculean effort to get to one in your frame of mind -- might be really helpful at this point. In times like these, I found that just having a forum like that, where I could vent my anger and sadness and disappointment among people who "got it" was very helpful in getting me stable again.
Remember that your marriage is just one part of your life. A big part, sure, but you're still You, you still love your gurls
, you still have your own reason for having been dropped down on this planet, you still have a huge possibility for joy in your future life, REGARDLESS of your husband's choices.Hugs to you, to help you through this.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 369
I'm sorry this is happening in your life. It is very hard to grasp that you really have no control over this disease. It sounds like your AH has some soul searching to do. I would find an alanon meeting or a therapist that you can discuss this with. My STBXAH has been moved out for about two months now, so I understand pretty well the emotions you are experiencing. I know where he is staying now but since he's not around, I have no idea what he's doing. It is scary, but worrying about him will do nothing to change the situation. (Sad but true.) Continue to come here and read the sticky posts at the top. This board has helped me so much. (((HUGS)))
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 110
I'm pacing, calling, crying, screaming.....all those things I shouldn't be doing but I just can't get a grip. I guess I'm slowly coming to the sad realization that our marriage isn't going to make it.....it just makes me unbearably sad.
I am sorry as well that you are in this bad space.
I also agree that you should find an Al-Anon meeting and stay after to talk through your feelings with an "elder".
The three "C's" come into play here and it's a hard pill to swallow, but non the less, you need to keep repeating them to yourself.
Can't CURE it
Didn't CAUSE IT
Can't CONTROL it.
Take time for yourself and get your head on straight. Start reading on detachment, and studing it.
I am sorry as well that you are in this bad space.
I also agree that you should find an Al-Anon meeting and stay after to talk through your feelings with an "elder".
The three "C's" come into play here and it's a hard pill to swallow, but non the less, you need to keep repeating them to yourself.
Can't CURE it
Didn't CAUSE IT
Can't CONTROL it.
Take time for yourself and get your head on straight. Start reading on detachment, and studing it.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
I am also very saddened by your situation. This kind of stuff just hurts.
But now that you recognize that none of the things you have currently been doing are particularly productive, it's time to stop and breathe.
Hopefully your husband is out clearing his mind and extending his hand to his sponsor or treatment facility for help. I know that it's almost impossible to do but try to get him off of your mind for a little while. Do something that will distract you from your current thought patterns. Something that you really enjoy.
Sometimes I find that I have to play music very loud to drown out my own mind. That's what works for me. Positive music that lifts my spirits.
Please keep us posted and let us know how you are doing. You are not alone.
gentle hugs
But now that you recognize that none of the things you have currently been doing are particularly productive, it's time to stop and breathe.
Hopefully your husband is out clearing his mind and extending his hand to his sponsor or treatment facility for help. I know that it's almost impossible to do but try to get him off of your mind for a little while. Do something that will distract you from your current thought patterns. Something that you really enjoy.
Sometimes I find that I have to play music very loud to drown out my own mind. That's what works for me. Positive music that lifts my spirits.
Please keep us posted and let us know how you are doing. You are not alone.
gentle hugs
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Wales
Posts: 523
He will take care of himself, please dont worry. You now must look after yourself. Cry scream do what you have to do get it all out my friend. And never think that you have noone to talk to, someone is here for you all the time.
Take care and let us know how things are going.
Mair
Take care and let us know how things are going.
Mair
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Pittsburgh, PA
Posts: 19
Thank you all so, so much.
Your kind words mean so very much to me. What a wonderful group you are.
I'm hanging in there....I'm tough! I've survived breast cancer, I can do this too...it ain't fun, but life can be a bit rough at times, eh?
I reached out to some folks my husband has met through AA and the response has been overwhelming. One kind gentleman who has never met either one of us hooked me up with a woman from Al-anon and she called me at just the right moment. She had commitments this evening but is calling me back later. She also offered to take me to a meeting when I am ready and.....drum roll please.....I think after 3 years of trying to be Superwoman I'm ready to admit I need help. I didn't sleep a wink last night and I read some books I bought quite some time ago, Marriage On The Rocks, Codependent No More and one other I can't remember the name of, and they helped tremendously. I think I'm starting to catch on, just a bit. Baby steps.
I also emailed some of his family members, they were able to get in touch with him and it seems to have helped because he called me.... And he actually talked to me this time and told me where he is. He even sounded stone cold sober. He wasn't able to go to outpatient treatment immediately after inpatient because of insurance silliness...but he can start some programs tomorrow and I think that will help. I cautiously believe that he is going to extremes to stay sober. Just cautiously. I pray I am correct. I never believed that alcoholism was a disease...after all, it's their choice to pick up that glass, right? But to watch such a kind, intelligent man want something so badly, try counseling, Campral, inpatient, outpatient, de-tox, 2 meetings a day, journal, exercise...anything and everything out there....and still not be able to control it.....well it's been a real eye opener to me and so incredibly sad.
I feel your support...thank you so much. Hopefully this is just a small stumbling block in the recovery he has been working so hard on. And just the beginning of mine.
Oh, and I made myself some delicious pancakes after not eating for days...well actually I burned them. But pour enough pure maple syrup on twigs and they'll taste great!!!
I'm hanging in there....I'm tough!
I've survived breast cancer, I can do this too...it ain't fun, but life can be a bit rough at times, eh?I reached out to some folks my husband has met through AA and the response has been overwhelming. One kind gentleman who has never met either one of us hooked me up with a woman from Al-anon and she called me at just the right moment. She had commitments this evening but is calling me back later. She also offered to take me to a meeting when I am ready and.....drum roll please.....I think after 3 years of trying to be Superwoman I'm ready to admit I need help. I didn't sleep a wink last night and I read some books I bought quite some time ago, Marriage On The Rocks, Codependent No More and one other I can't remember the name of, and they helped tremendously. I think I'm starting to catch on, just a bit. Baby steps.
I also emailed some of his family members, they were able to get in touch with him and it seems to have helped because he called me.... And he actually talked to me this time and told me where he is. He even sounded stone cold sober. He wasn't able to go to outpatient treatment immediately after inpatient because of insurance silliness...but he can start some programs tomorrow and I think that will help. I cautiously believe that he is going to extremes to stay sober. Just cautiously. I pray I am correct. I never believed that alcoholism was a disease...after all, it's their choice to pick up that glass, right? But to watch such a kind, intelligent man want something so badly, try counseling, Campral, inpatient, outpatient, de-tox, 2 meetings a day, journal, exercise...anything and everything out there....and still not be able to control it.....well it's been a real eye opener to me and so incredibly sad.
I feel your support...thank you so much. Hopefully this is just a small stumbling block in the recovery he has been working so hard on. And just the beginning of mine.
Oh, and I made myself some delicious pancakes after not eating for days...well actually I burned them. But pour enough pure maple syrup on twigs and they'll taste great!!!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 123
I'm very sorry to hear you're having a tough day. <<HUGS>>
I've been in your place quite a few times with my AW so I truly know how this feels. I'll just leave it at a simple - hope you feel better soon and hope you enjoyed your burnt pancakes! ;-)
Peace and blessings,
TD
I've been in your place quite a few times with my AW so I truly know how this feels. I'll just leave it at a simple - hope you feel better soon and hope you enjoyed your burnt pancakes! ;-)
Peace and blessings,
TD
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: where the streets have no name
Posts: 1,078
Originally Posted by cem001 
Burnt pancakes with peanut butter smeared all over them. NOTHING BETTER.
Good luck.
Good luck.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 110
Steve11694- YES I DID.......And you are right, it's making me hungry.
Crunchy peanut butter is best. Have you never tried it? Don't knock it until you try it.
But you gotta have the pancakes/waffles hot.....
Crunchy peanut butter is best. Have you never tried it? Don't knock it until you try it.
But you gotta have the pancakes/waffles hot.....
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: where the streets have no name
Posts: 1,078
crunchy is my favorite and i appreciate you omitting it from the first post but now that u mention it i may drive hundreds of miles to find some.
i like it on toasted baguette
i like it on toasted baguette
Originally Posted by cem001
Steve11694- YES I DID.......And you are right, it's making me hungry.
Crunchy peanut butter is best. Have you never tried it? Don't knock it until you try it.
But you gotta have the pancakes/waffles hot.....
Crunchy peanut butter is best. Have you never tried it? Don't knock it until you try it.
But you gotta have the pancakes/waffles hot.....
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