"You don't support me."
Let It Begin With ME
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Saint Clair Shores, MI
Posts: 42
"You don't support me." OK, how the hell does one "support" an addict?! This is beyond me! He says he has nobody to support him, but refuses to attend meetings because "all they talk about is using". I also "have a big mouth". because "I tell people HIS life story". As if its not MY life story as well! :wtf2 I'm just at a loss here. He is sooo damn selfish, as are all addicts, but I don't want to accept it! Any advice is welcome. Thanks,
Lori
Lori
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
My daughter went to rehab and is in a recovery house. She said something similar about the support thing and I told her how I felt about support. I said it nicely because I felt that she was reacting out of fear. My daughter goes to AA meetings even though she is a heroin addict. She says that they are better organized and the message is the same-it works if you work it. Maybe make the suggestion to him that he could go AA. If he is serious about recovery he will go. That way you won't have any "misgivings". It all comes down to the addict has to want recovery. We are not in control of that. Hugs, Marle
p.s. Welcome fellow Michigander.
p.s. Welcome fellow Michigander.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
The only advice I can offer is to accept it, this is what addicts do and say. The sooner you accept it and accept you have no control over it, the quicker you can detach emotionally.
You are never going to get sound responses from a trouble man, period.
Have you thought about al-anon or nar-anon for yourself?
You are never going to get sound responses from a trouble man, period.
Have you thought about al-anon or nar-anon for yourself?
Luving Life to the Fullest!
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Clanton, AL
Posts: 32
I'm a Recoverying Addict 
I'm a recoverying addict. I was on methadone for 2 1/2 years. I did it while I was pregnant. My little boy was born perfectly heathly. Anywa, when my husband caught me for the first time, he asked me if I needed help and I told him that I did. He and my mom neither one thought it was as bad as it was. I told him that I needed help but with both of them thinking I could do it on my own felt like I was too far gone to be saved. I started back taking methadone about 3 days after he found out and I got overwhelmed with the withdrawals and cravings and plus not having the support of my husband and mom, I just gave into the temptation. It's hard to get off something if you don't have someone telling you that you can do it....that you don't need a drug to make you feel good. But you can't help someone if they don't want to help themselves. I've learned that with my dad. I have bent over backwards for him and all he's done is screwed me over. My mom and dad were together for 29 years and he beat her just about every day of every year. He was an alcoholic and an addict.
Has he told you that he wants help? If not then he's just being stubborn. I knew I needed help because I tried to quit on my own and I couldn't. It's a long drawn out process, I will say that. I've been clean since Sept 18,2007 and I'm just now seeing a counselor. I've been in outpatient rehab and talked to a substance abuse therapist. I came off methadone cold turkey and ended up cheating on my husband. He's a very forgiving person because he's still with me. He knows that when I quit taking methadone I had some physcological problem.
How long did you say he's been doing this?
I will be praying for you. It'll get worse before it get better, well that's the way it was for me. Hope all works out.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
The best advice that I received when I was where you are is to work the program that I wished that he would. I went to meetings, got a sponsor, read the books, prayed, worked the steps. It works because I worked it. I realized that there is nothing that I can do about him and his choices. NOTHING. All I can do is live my life and discover what I can and can't live with....If my addict didn't like his meetings then he needed to find other ones. He had the same complaints about his NA meetings and then switched to AA. But AA talked about staying away from a drink and that's not really his problem. Blah blah blah. I guess that I'm saying that it is always something until the desire to change comes from within them. There are ways to make meetings work for you but the first key is willingness.
As best as you can, take the focus off of him and put it on you. I promise, it is the only through the maze. It's hard but not doing it is harder...that I know for sure.
Keep posting and roll up your sleeves - not to help him but to help you!
As best as you can, take the focus off of him and put it on you. I promise, it is the only through the maze. It's hard but not doing it is harder...that I know for sure.
Keep posting and roll up your sleeves - not to help him but to help you!
Mr.MeToo?
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: East Coast to the Deep South
Posts: 828
He says he has nobody to support him, but refuses to attend meetings because "all they talk about is using".
I can kinda understand what he is talking about with this. When I first got clean back in late november early december I also tried the whole meeting // getting a sponsor thing and found it wasn't for me. NA // AA meetings are very weird, there is a lot of war stories told(how much they used while they were out there, prices etc) and after each meeting id walk out and get that fire in my stomach pulling me to go out and bang some dope. For me, I needed to get away from the whole Addiction life and did not want to substitute my heroin addiction for an addiction to a 12 step program. I wanted to live my life fully free of any and all addictions.
Another huge fall back about meetings are that nowadays there are a lot of people who attend meetings strictly because they HAVE TO. What I mean is that they are currently in drug court and in order to not serve any jail time the judge will order them to do X amount of meetings and get them signed by the chairperson so the judge knows hes going. Now these people do not want to be clean, have no desire to be at the meetings other than to stay out of jail and usually end up selling drugs at the meetings and or using at meetings. I did not need to be surrounded by that or anywhere NEAR that. I felt it was best to move on with my life and start doing things Normal people do (keep furthering my college degree, getting a part time job, building healthy relationships not based on drugs ; friends//family etc)
Not to mention theres also another drawback that the people you become friendly with in these programs sometimes end up relapsing themselves and "go back out there" This can be a huge blow to ones self confidence when they feel they can relate so much to "John" and they look up to them for motivation in recovery etc only to find out that this person ended up relapsing. (this situation recently happened to a good friend of mine that i met in Detox , her sponsor ended up relapsing and she is kinda in a bad situation right now not knowing where to turn or what to do because she depended on her sponsor daily and now shes not answering because shes out getting high)
By the way i have 7 months clean time, it is very possible to get and maintain sobriety without a 12 step program. Don't get me wrong, 12 step programs are wonderful and help millions stay clean, but there are other methods to achieving the same result. and in the end thats all we want anyway.
I also "have a big mouth". because "I tell people HIS life story". As if its not MY life story as well!
This is strictly just him being ashamed of the person he has become and not wanting others around him to judge him and look down on him. (Keep in mind im just telling you how HE sees it, in no way am i saying he is right and you are doing things wrong or anything. Just trying to show you how he thinks so you can better understand) He thinks that being that you *love* him that means you should protect him and hide his problem from any and outside people. (i.e enabling him to keep using because he feels no emotional consequences)
I just saw that this post was from about a week ago, i hope things are working out better for you , be safe ~~~ Scotty
I can kinda understand what he is talking about with this. When I first got clean back in late november early december I also tried the whole meeting // getting a sponsor thing and found it wasn't for me. NA // AA meetings are very weird, there is a lot of war stories told(how much they used while they were out there, prices etc) and after each meeting id walk out and get that fire in my stomach pulling me to go out and bang some dope. For me, I needed to get away from the whole Addiction life and did not want to substitute my heroin addiction for an addiction to a 12 step program. I wanted to live my life fully free of any and all addictions.
Another huge fall back about meetings are that nowadays there are a lot of people who attend meetings strictly because they HAVE TO. What I mean is that they are currently in drug court and in order to not serve any jail time the judge will order them to do X amount of meetings and get them signed by the chairperson so the judge knows hes going. Now these people do not want to be clean, have no desire to be at the meetings other than to stay out of jail and usually end up selling drugs at the meetings and or using at meetings. I did not need to be surrounded by that or anywhere NEAR that. I felt it was best to move on with my life and start doing things Normal people do (keep furthering my college degree, getting a part time job, building healthy relationships not based on drugs ; friends//family etc)
Not to mention theres also another drawback that the people you become friendly with in these programs sometimes end up relapsing themselves and "go back out there" This can be a huge blow to ones self confidence when they feel they can relate so much to "John" and they look up to them for motivation in recovery etc only to find out that this person ended up relapsing. (this situation recently happened to a good friend of mine that i met in Detox , her sponsor ended up relapsing and she is kinda in a bad situation right now not knowing where to turn or what to do because she depended on her sponsor daily and now shes not answering because shes out getting high)
By the way i have 7 months clean time, it is very possible to get and maintain sobriety without a 12 step program. Don't get me wrong, 12 step programs are wonderful and help millions stay clean, but there are other methods to achieving the same result. and in the end thats all we want anyway.
I also "have a big mouth". because "I tell people HIS life story". As if its not MY life story as well!
This is strictly just him being ashamed of the person he has become and not wanting others around him to judge him and look down on him. (Keep in mind im just telling you how HE sees it, in no way am i saying he is right and you are doing things wrong or anything. Just trying to show you how he thinks so you can better understand) He thinks that being that you *love* him that means you should protect him and hide his problem from any and outside people. (i.e enabling him to keep using because he feels no emotional consequences)
I just saw that this post was from about a week ago, i hope things are working out better for you , be safe ~~~ Scotty
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 328
From the Mother of two RASs: I've heard the same thing. I call it quacking...... Anything to take the focus off of them. I was taught that this is not family members walking hand in hand down the garden path of recovery, it is each person finding a program for themselves. I don't know why, but we just can't help our family members the same way recovering people can. Probably because other recovering addicts can see through the BS.
If nothing changes, nothing changes. And the person that had to change was me. I was told, as someone suggested, to get involved in a recovery program and do what I expected them to do. The only difference in the 12 steps for AA/NA and Alanon/Naranon is one word in step 12 - we say carry the message to others and they say carry the message to alcoholics or addicts. That was a huge awakening for me. So I got a sponsor, attended daily meetings (including open speaker meetings - which really helped me learn about the manipulating and lying of addicts), worked the steps, helped others, got a hobby. "When I got busy, I got better". "I was as addicted to them as they were to their drugs".
And making the suggested changes were very tough for this know it all, I'm in charge, you would be fine if you would only listen to me mother. Instantly, I had empathy for them trying not to use and the changes they needed to make. Some of my favorites: "bite your tongue until it bleeds" "what you see as mothering and helping, is enabling and killing them" and the best for me "any addict wants to get better when you take away all the pillows". I did - and they did too.
25 years later I still live my recovery program. I learned that I can have a great life, whether or not the addicts in my life ever get clean. And I never knew that.
So keep coming back - read the literature - ask questions, keep posting - we all were newcomers and beginners at one time. And I still do things I wish I wouldn't - my mouth sometimes has a mind of its own.
Love in recovery,
Jody Hepler
If nothing changes, nothing changes. And the person that had to change was me. I was told, as someone suggested, to get involved in a recovery program and do what I expected them to do. The only difference in the 12 steps for AA/NA and Alanon/Naranon is one word in step 12 - we say carry the message to others and they say carry the message to alcoholics or addicts. That was a huge awakening for me. So I got a sponsor, attended daily meetings (including open speaker meetings - which really helped me learn about the manipulating and lying of addicts), worked the steps, helped others, got a hobby. "When I got busy, I got better". "I was as addicted to them as they were to their drugs".
And making the suggested changes were very tough for this know it all, I'm in charge, you would be fine if you would only listen to me mother. Instantly, I had empathy for them trying not to use and the changes they needed to make. Some of my favorites: "bite your tongue until it bleeds" "what you see as mothering and helping, is enabling and killing them" and the best for me "any addict wants to get better when you take away all the pillows". I did - and they did too.
25 years later I still live my recovery program. I learned that I can have a great life, whether or not the addicts in my life ever get clean. And I never knew that.
So keep coming back - read the literature - ask questions, keep posting - we all were newcomers and beginners at one time. And I still do things I wish I wouldn't - my mouth sometimes has a mind of its own.
Love in recovery,
Jody Hepler
Member
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 4
my husband is in aa but his personalilty is everything is what he feels, what his needs are,and mine are invisible or he is defensive about talking to me about my feelings, or pats himself onthe back and tells me he has already talked to me like i am a employee and he acts like it is a struggle to talk to me about any want or need i express. he never responds with love and effection but with self righteous or defensive remarks like i should just let go of any feelings or needs i have and think about him and his all the time and then everything would be okay...yeah right.......everyone would love that. he says he is sorry sometimes for what i tell him hurts me and then turns right back around and does it again the exact same thing and then says he does not know what he is doing wrong............i could tell him that i need him to comfort me and he would say i already do that ...although he never does.like talking to a wall.it is driving me nuts. the only thing he talks to me about is work or the theory of the program but the actions he never follows. he has not drank in 6 weeks but that is all. the attitudes are all the same....mememememememememe. i have read the aa book, got online, shared feelings with him and he is like a cold ******* like i am not seeing when he is so hostile. what do they call it....the killjoy...that is him. anything personal.....then he will be the kill joy.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((Stop)))
I will have to read all the responses later (on my way out the door to work), but I went to AA instead of NA..no talk of "using" there AND tons of support. I don't go any longer, but have found support where I need it...friends/family and mostly SR.
My idea of support is this....when I have something come up that stresses me out, I discuss it with someone and keep an open mind to their advice. Sometimes I whine, but I've gotten to where I whine, then get over it and focus on the solution.
My dad has watched me struggle, tremendously, over legal/financial consequences....most of the time he just says "I'm sorry" and that helps me. He knows I'm trying (my actions, NOT my words) and he can't/won't make it better and I don't want him to.
He will find recovery like the rest of us...when he wants it bad enough.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I will have to read all the responses later (on my way out the door to work), but I went to AA instead of NA..no talk of "using" there AND tons of support. I don't go any longer, but have found support where I need it...friends/family and mostly SR.
My idea of support is this....when I have something come up that stresses me out, I discuss it with someone and keep an open mind to their advice. Sometimes I whine, but I've gotten to where I whine, then get over it and focus on the solution.
My dad has watched me struggle, tremendously, over legal/financial consequences....most of the time he just says "I'm sorry" and that helps me. He knows I'm trying (my actions, NOT my words) and he can't/won't make it better and I don't want him to.
He will find recovery like the rest of us...when he wants it bad enough.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 60
Lori- I am with you there
I can relate to the guilt trip that about not being supportive. My husband came home from counseling appointment telling me his counselor is concerned he is very likely to relapse because I am not supporting him. My response is how the hell can I support someone that just put our future in jeapordy. How am I going to support someone when his actions may cause us to lose our house, car, thousands of dollars etc.
I am very big on not being a codependant now and I do not want my being supportive turning into codependence and/or making his life any easier while he has made mine so much more difficult.
I am very big on not being a codependant now and I do not want my being supportive turning into codependence and/or making his life any easier while he has made mine so much more difficult.
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