Why is so bad with no where to turn
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 149
Why is so bad with no where to turn
Hi, I have clean going on 120 days. I just spent a weekedn
With my exgirl who I lived with in Atlanta 3 years ago.
We have developed a relationship virtually as I live in the ne.
I heard many times not to get into a serious relationship until 1 year of sobriety. i am startgin to see why. I am lost without her. Not sure if that is my alcholoci talking or what.
What should I do (I am goint to my home meeting tonight). What other partical steps should I take.e.g.
!) She knows where I am in recovery and I tried to explain that i cant have a relationship- but it justs get seriours due to our past
2) just let it go (afterall she is there and I am here)
3) be friends
4) talk to a shrink
5) Ask God for help (I am surrending rigth now)
6) elope to vegas
7) move in with her
8) Take a vacation
I just don't want this to be my execuse for a relapse. I am need to tighen up and prepare for the next shxx storm (which I think is coming this week, when I get laid off from my job).
With my exgirl who I lived with in Atlanta 3 years ago.
We have developed a relationship virtually as I live in the ne.
I heard many times not to get into a serious relationship until 1 year of sobriety. i am startgin to see why. I am lost without her. Not sure if that is my alcholoci talking or what.
What should I do (I am goint to my home meeting tonight). What other partical steps should I take.e.g.
!) She knows where I am in recovery and I tried to explain that i cant have a relationship- but it justs get seriours due to our past
2) just let it go (afterall she is there and I am here)
3) be friends
4) talk to a shrink
5) Ask God for help (I am surrending rigth now)
6) elope to vegas
7) move in with her
8) Take a vacation
I just don't want this to be my execuse for a relapse. I am need to tighen up and prepare for the next shxx storm (which I think is coming this week, when I get laid off from my job).
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,504
Hi,
That's a hard question.
I just know that you have to put recovery first, so if the relationship is putting your recovery in jeopardy, then maybe you need to rethink the situation. It might be a good idea to try to firm up some boundaries around yourself so you feel stronger with the situation.
That's a hard question.
I just know that you have to put recovery first, so if the relationship is putting your recovery in jeopardy, then maybe you need to rethink the situation. It might be a good idea to try to firm up some boundaries around yourself so you feel stronger with the situation.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: md
Posts: 3,042
It sounds to me like you already know what you have to do, so I won't make you defensive by giving you advice. As we know, relationships can come back to us later in our recovery if they are meant to be. Take it one day at a time, I know it's so hard now.
kj
kj
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: MA.
Posts: 1,719
Hi,
I believe it is difficult for everyone...Speaking for myself, relationships have troubled times regardless of how long someone has sober...It is just with more sober time you have good logic, reasoning, etc. to deal with the tough times...
Keep up your sober time...You can do this.,..
I believe it is difficult for everyone...Speaking for myself, relationships have troubled times regardless of how long someone has sober...It is just with more sober time you have good logic, reasoning, etc. to deal with the tough times...
Keep up your sober time...You can do this.,..
Certified Scrabble Cheat!
Join Date: May 2008
Location: The Hill City, MS
Posts: 316
Hey Standfast. Here's my take on this stuff.
Recovery is hard.
Relationships are hard.
If you ended a relationship with someone it won't work again if you haven't fixed the original deal breaker. I can promise you that whatever that little demon was that drove the original wedge he will be back to drive it deeper. Now if you have patched things, that is a whole other story.
I don't know who came up the one year rule. But it seems to me that that number is very arbitrary. Do you feel that on day 366 somebody sprinkles pixie dust all around and everything is now OK? I think not. To me, if this person that you are rekindling a flame with can be a positive in your life (emotionally, spritually, financially....) and the two of you have resolved any previous issues then I would say that you should go for it.
Just put in your recovery toolbox the fact that this relationship will not be a reason for you to fail at your recovery effort. That this person will be a positive influence on me and my efforts. This old crap of setting a butterfly free and it returning if it was meant to be is - well, BS. If you set somebody free these days, they're off to SoBe for a wild weekend!!! And will have the Tat to prove it......
Besides, Atlanta is nice this time of year. I used to live up in Dunwoody.
Recovery is hard.
Relationships are hard.
If you ended a relationship with someone it won't work again if you haven't fixed the original deal breaker. I can promise you that whatever that little demon was that drove the original wedge he will be back to drive it deeper. Now if you have patched things, that is a whole other story.
I don't know who came up the one year rule. But it seems to me that that number is very arbitrary. Do you feel that on day 366 somebody sprinkles pixie dust all around and everything is now OK? I think not. To me, if this person that you are rekindling a flame with can be a positive in your life (emotionally, spritually, financially....) and the two of you have resolved any previous issues then I would say that you should go for it.
Just put in your recovery toolbox the fact that this relationship will not be a reason for you to fail at your recovery effort. That this person will be a positive influence on me and my efforts. This old crap of setting a butterfly free and it returning if it was meant to be is - well, BS. If you set somebody free these days, they're off to SoBe for a wild weekend!!! And will have the Tat to prove it......
Besides, Atlanta is nice this time of year. I used to live up in Dunwoody.
mle-sober
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Golden, CO
Posts: 1,243
I like the eloping to Vegas option! Definately do that.
No, seriously, I think a few have already said this or alluded to it. If you are clear on how important your recovery is and if you can protect the elements you need to be sober, that is the most important thing.
I'm married and no one suggests that I not be in a relationship. And belive me, my relationship is hard work. Just because were married doesn't make it easy. I think you have every right to be in a relationship and I also think that it's possible that your relationship could actually strengthen your sobriety. Lonliness is hard.
It just depends on the characteristics of your relationship. Does she understand about addiction? Can she support your not drinking or drugging or does she question it or make fun of it? Does she understand that you will have ups and downs as you recovery and it's not necessarily personal about her? Can she let you be who you are and be supportive of growth and change? Or does she want you to rely on her so she feels more secure? Is she insecure or strong in her own identity? Can you both have fun together and also sometimes be apart and be okay? Does she have good personal boundaries?
And I guess, I think this one is most important. Do you have personal boundaries that are strong enough so that if you become more involved and she either does something that hurts you or your relationship, are you still able to be sober? I think this one is the reason that people say no relationships for a year. They want you to be strong enough that if things become really difficult, you won't drink over it. It would be easy to get distracted from your sobriety by the drama of a bad relationship.
Anyway - those are my thoughts. Such as they are. Good luck to you!
No, seriously, I think a few have already said this or alluded to it. If you are clear on how important your recovery is and if you can protect the elements you need to be sober, that is the most important thing.
I'm married and no one suggests that I not be in a relationship. And belive me, my relationship is hard work. Just because were married doesn't make it easy. I think you have every right to be in a relationship and I also think that it's possible that your relationship could actually strengthen your sobriety. Lonliness is hard.
It just depends on the characteristics of your relationship. Does she understand about addiction? Can she support your not drinking or drugging or does she question it or make fun of it? Does she understand that you will have ups and downs as you recovery and it's not necessarily personal about her? Can she let you be who you are and be supportive of growth and change? Or does she want you to rely on her so she feels more secure? Is she insecure or strong in her own identity? Can you both have fun together and also sometimes be apart and be okay? Does she have good personal boundaries?
And I guess, I think this one is most important. Do you have personal boundaries that are strong enough so that if you become more involved and she either does something that hurts you or your relationship, are you still able to be sober? I think this one is the reason that people say no relationships for a year. They want you to be strong enough that if things become really difficult, you won't drink over it. It would be easy to get distracted from your sobriety by the drama of a bad relationship.
Anyway - those are my thoughts. Such as they are. Good luck to you!
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