I'm getting tired of fighting.
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Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 178
I'm getting tired of fighting.
Hey,
I don't often post my own thread, but I am going crazy. And I mean that literally. I have tried everything, but nothing is stopping this depression that has been with me for about a year. I feel like doing drugs again. That's probably the only thing that will make me feel better.
Carolm
I don't often post my own thread, but I am going crazy. And I mean that literally. I have tried everything, but nothing is stopping this depression that has been with me for about a year. I feel like doing drugs again. That's probably the only thing that will make me feel better.
Carolm
Life the gift of recovery!
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Home is where the heart is
Posts: 7,061
Welcome Carol
I am sorry you are having such a rough go of things.
Are you taking medications to treat the depression?
Do you have a psych doc?
If you are taking medications for the depression have you discussed with your doc that they are not working so you can try a different one or combo of meds?
Starting back using again will not solve the problem. It is a short term solution to the problem. Working with a good doctor is the only way to find long term relief. Think about why you quit using in the first place. Obviously the drugs were a problem so to add them back into the mix would just add a problem on top of a problem. Please consider working with your doc instead.,
I am sorry you are having such a rough go of things.
Are you taking medications to treat the depression?
Do you have a psych doc?
If you are taking medications for the depression have you discussed with your doc that they are not working so you can try a different one or combo of meds?
Starting back using again will not solve the problem. It is a short term solution to the problem. Working with a good doctor is the only way to find long term relief. Think about why you quit using in the first place. Obviously the drugs were a problem so to add them back into the mix would just add a problem on top of a problem. Please consider working with your doc instead.,
To Life!
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Rhode Island
Posts: 9,293
Hi, Carol;
Glad you posted before doing anything rash.
I know it's stressful when you feel like you're not getting anywhere. I'm so sorry.
But, Judith is right when she says you should discuss this with your doc. There are many different meds out there, and if one isn't working, you need to try another, not just keep suffering! I went through a few before I found one that works. And I also had to try a few different doses of the med I'm on to find what was good for me. Ironically, I had to go *down* in mg dosage, not up, cuz, I"m so sensative to meds! LOL!
Also, some people do fine on a drug for a while, then it has a *poop out* effect. Sometimes, that means you need to change the drug you're on. Other times, if you're being treated for depression, it *can* mean that you are really bipolar! Therefor, you're not getting the proper treatment for the condition you have.
See how complicated it can get?
That is the reason you should see a pdoc for evaluation and treatment. After you're set up with a proper diagnoses and settled on a treatment plan, including meds where you're stabilized and counseling, (if needed, and I would suggest as it's so helpful, at least in the beginning), then you can return to your regular physician for on going treatment.
I wish you well. Please don't fall prey to the addictive voice in your head. It's lying to you. Drugs will not make your life better. Not at all.
Effective treatment will
Shalom!
Glad you posted before doing anything rash.
I know it's stressful when you feel like you're not getting anywhere. I'm so sorry.
But, Judith is right when she says you should discuss this with your doc. There are many different meds out there, and if one isn't working, you need to try another, not just keep suffering! I went through a few before I found one that works. And I also had to try a few different doses of the med I'm on to find what was good for me. Ironically, I had to go *down* in mg dosage, not up, cuz, I"m so sensative to meds! LOL!
Also, some people do fine on a drug for a while, then it has a *poop out* effect. Sometimes, that means you need to change the drug you're on. Other times, if you're being treated for depression, it *can* mean that you are really bipolar! Therefor, you're not getting the proper treatment for the condition you have.
See how complicated it can get?
That is the reason you should see a pdoc for evaluation and treatment. After you're set up with a proper diagnoses and settled on a treatment plan, including meds where you're stabilized and counseling, (if needed, and I would suggest as it's so helpful, at least in the beginning), then you can return to your regular physician for on going treatment.
I wish you well. Please don't fall prey to the addictive voice in your head. It's lying to you. Drugs will not make your life better. Not at all.
Effective treatment will
Shalom!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 178
Thank you.
Thank you both for answering my thread. I have been diagnosed for about fifteen years with depression, and after a lot of trying, finally seemed to get the right med. Then last year I was diagnosed with a blood disease that is exacerbated by certain meds, namely the ones I was taking. My psychiatrist is at a loss now, and is suggesting ECT. I am very afraid to do this.
Thanks so much.
Carol
Thanks so much.
Carol
To Life!
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Rhode Island
Posts: 9,293
(((Carol)))
I can't blame you for being frightened by that treatment.
But, there's a member of our community, shutterbug, who has those treatments regularly. And she's very happy with the outcome of them.
She has a thread of her own, and she shares on the bipolarworld thread. Please do take the time to post to her. See what she has to say. She's very very helpful.
Oh, and I can tell you this. She's gonna tell you to read the book by Patty Duke!
Wishing you serenity...
Shalom!
I can't blame you for being frightened by that treatment.
But, there's a member of our community, shutterbug, who has those treatments regularly. And she's very happy with the outcome of them.
She has a thread of her own, and she shares on the bipolarworld thread. Please do take the time to post to her. See what she has to say. She's very very helpful.
Oh, and I can tell you this. She's gonna tell you to read the book by Patty Duke!
Wishing you serenity...
Shalom!
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Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 178
Hi Teach,
I am also a teacher, but I am retired. Long story. I loved it.
I have corresponded with shutterbug, and she gives me hope that it will work. But the fear is greater right now. I am safe. No drugs.
Thank you again.
I am also a teacher, but I am retired. Long story. I loved it.
I have corresponded with shutterbug, and she gives me hope that it will work. But the fear is greater right now. I am safe. No drugs.
Thank you again.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 178
Dear Teach,
You have been an inspiration to me since I joined this group. I have read many, many of your threads and you seem to be very wise. I thank you for sharing that with me.
I had to change my avatar. I just love Penquins, but they live in cold places. I'm trying to keep a somewhat positive attitude.
You have been an inspiration to me since I joined this group. I have read many, many of your threads and you seem to be very wise. I thank you for sharing that with me.
I had to change my avatar. I just love Penquins, but they live in cold places. I'm trying to keep a somewhat positive attitude.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Sunshine State
Posts: 45
Hang in there. Sometimes I feel like tearing at my hair and just giving up. But when good things happen it all seems worth it. Of course, when you feel bad it's easy to forget the good times.
A picture's worth a 1000 words
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: With any luck, I'm lost in a view finder
Posts: 2,954
LOL....Teach....you made me smile from ear-to-ear about the Patty Duke book comment! lol......I love it! Thanks for the smile. And yes, reading it is the best homework, anyone with depression, bipolar or really any mental illness can do for themselves, family members and/or friends.
Carolm.....if i may ask, what are your main fears about ECT?
I've had 23 to date (over the past 7 months or so) and still work as the chief photographer for my "corporate world" newspaper. That has become more of a struggle lately tho because i need to undergo a new ECT series of 6-12, but have no more time left to take off of work to have them.
I would do them, without a doubt, starting immediately if i could.
And i fully believe i would have lost my job and beautiful, historic rent house several months ago if i hadn't demanded referral to an ECT doctor and started treatments in January. It only took about 4 treatments for me to start feeling like my REAL self again!! It's the most wonderfully awsome gift I've ever recieved.
That's not to say I haven't had some memory issues, but I had memory issues with my depression also....and even tho my memory losses have been worse than is typical these days....it has still been VERY worth it for me.
Anyway, there's also the book "Shock" that is all about ECT and is a autobiography by Kitty Dukakas (her husband Mike Dukakas ran a close race for president back when) and is co-written by ??? Tye. It offers tons and tons of research information that tells of both sides of the debates of ECT, why it fell out of favor and why it use to be a first-line treatment before stigma and movie plots entered the picutre.
Also....there's "A NoonDay Demon - An Atlas of Depression" that tells the entire history of ECT and even that it has been linked clear back to Roman times when some doctors would prescribe patients to stand on an electric squid or something. It's had quite an interesting history!! And really, the only reason why it was ever scary was because it was first done without anesthesia, muscle relaxants and continuous oxygen for the patient. However, even THEN, many patients CHOSE to go through it because they had seen it's benefits in other patients.
Also....as one of those books points out....ECT gave fiction writers the perfect inspiration for their movies! I mean, anything dealing with electricity and seizures....and it's not hard to write a scary story. On the other side, it was pointed out that even Stephen King would have a hard time writing a story as moving/impactful as "One Flew Over the Cookoo's Nest" if the subject was prescription pills instead! However, I personally know that pills can sometimes harm people much, much more than ECT can.
But since swallowing a pill doesn't congure a frightening image like ECT....we tend not to think much of it or fear at least trying a new med.
Sorry, I'm just a little passionate about things sometimes that I know can help people. I just wanted to offer a little food for thought.
Hugs
and best wishes,
Jenna
Carolm.....if i may ask, what are your main fears about ECT?
I've had 23 to date (over the past 7 months or so) and still work as the chief photographer for my "corporate world" newspaper. That has become more of a struggle lately tho because i need to undergo a new ECT series of 6-12, but have no more time left to take off of work to have them.
I would do them, without a doubt, starting immediately if i could.
And i fully believe i would have lost my job and beautiful, historic rent house several months ago if i hadn't demanded referral to an ECT doctor and started treatments in January. It only took about 4 treatments for me to start feeling like my REAL self again!! It's the most wonderfully awsome gift I've ever recieved.
That's not to say I haven't had some memory issues, but I had memory issues with my depression also....and even tho my memory losses have been worse than is typical these days....it has still been VERY worth it for me.
Anyway, there's also the book "Shock" that is all about ECT and is a autobiography by Kitty Dukakas (her husband Mike Dukakas ran a close race for president back when) and is co-written by ??? Tye. It offers tons and tons of research information that tells of both sides of the debates of ECT, why it fell out of favor and why it use to be a first-line treatment before stigma and movie plots entered the picutre.
Also....there's "A NoonDay Demon - An Atlas of Depression" that tells the entire history of ECT and even that it has been linked clear back to Roman times when some doctors would prescribe patients to stand on an electric squid or something. It's had quite an interesting history!! And really, the only reason why it was ever scary was because it was first done without anesthesia, muscle relaxants and continuous oxygen for the patient. However, even THEN, many patients CHOSE to go through it because they had seen it's benefits in other patients.
Also....as one of those books points out....ECT gave fiction writers the perfect inspiration for their movies! I mean, anything dealing with electricity and seizures....and it's not hard to write a scary story. On the other side, it was pointed out that even Stephen King would have a hard time writing a story as moving/impactful as "One Flew Over the Cookoo's Nest" if the subject was prescription pills instead! However, I personally know that pills can sometimes harm people much, much more than ECT can.
But since swallowing a pill doesn't congure a frightening image like ECT....we tend not to think much of it or fear at least trying a new med.
Sorry, I'm just a little passionate about things sometimes that I know can help people. I just wanted to offer a little food for thought.
Hugs
and best wishes,Jenna
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 178
Ect
Hi Shutterbug,
I worry because, first of all, I fear hospitals. I would have them done at Deaconess Hospital in Boston and am required to stay there. Two years ago I had respiratory failure and a stroke. I was only 55 years old. My husband came home to find me unconscious. The ambulance took me to our local hospital where they called in their specialists. Finally, they told my husband and daughter (grown up) that if they could stabilize me, they would air-lift me to Boston Medical Center, but that in the meantime, they better call a priest. So I had last rites. But I did make it to Boston. I was in a coma for two weeks and when I woke up I was on life-support. I had a breathing tube and a machine at my side, which I found out later was chest pump. The doctors had collapsed my lung when they put in a central line. I was on heavy med but I remember my hallucinations, some good, some bad.
The doctors finally decided to take out the breathing tube four days after I woke up, but it had to be put back in. Two days later it came out for good.
I was overjoyed to find out that I was moving to a regular room as opposed to ICU. The next day they took out my catheter which had been in for about three weeks, so I had no bladder control. And when I called the nurses for a bedpan, they didn't come. I wet my bed at least 10 - 11 times a day. I couldn't even roll over because I had lost the ability to move as in walk. I have never felt more helpless in my life. Even when my husband would be there, he would go out to get a nurse, but they took so long, I still wet the bed. I was very glad to leave there and go another building (still Boston Medical) for rehabilitation. Finally, I was surrounded by people who cared.
So I am afraid I will wake up in the Hospital, with memory loss, and simply lose it. The hospital is about one and a half hours from home so I can't expect my husband to be there all the time. My daughter lives closer but has a high-pressure job, although she will be there every night. I am afraid to wake up alone.
Also, I don't think I could have as many as you have had. I was reading your other thread and I know you are having some problems.
I have a psychiatrist who has explained ECT to me and I know I won't feel anything.
I ordered Kitty Dukakas's book, as well as Patty Duke's.
Thank you for asking about me.
Carol
I worry because, first of all, I fear hospitals. I would have them done at Deaconess Hospital in Boston and am required to stay there. Two years ago I had respiratory failure and a stroke. I was only 55 years old. My husband came home to find me unconscious. The ambulance took me to our local hospital where they called in their specialists. Finally, they told my husband and daughter (grown up) that if they could stabilize me, they would air-lift me to Boston Medical Center, but that in the meantime, they better call a priest. So I had last rites. But I did make it to Boston. I was in a coma for two weeks and when I woke up I was on life-support. I had a breathing tube and a machine at my side, which I found out later was chest pump. The doctors had collapsed my lung when they put in a central line. I was on heavy med but I remember my hallucinations, some good, some bad.
The doctors finally decided to take out the breathing tube four days after I woke up, but it had to be put back in. Two days later it came out for good.
I was overjoyed to find out that I was moving to a regular room as opposed to ICU. The next day they took out my catheter which had been in for about three weeks, so I had no bladder control. And when I called the nurses for a bedpan, they didn't come. I wet my bed at least 10 - 11 times a day. I couldn't even roll over because I had lost the ability to move as in walk. I have never felt more helpless in my life. Even when my husband would be there, he would go out to get a nurse, but they took so long, I still wet the bed. I was very glad to leave there and go another building (still Boston Medical) for rehabilitation. Finally, I was surrounded by people who cared.
So I am afraid I will wake up in the Hospital, with memory loss, and simply lose it. The hospital is about one and a half hours from home so I can't expect my husband to be there all the time. My daughter lives closer but has a high-pressure job, although she will be there every night. I am afraid to wake up alone.
Also, I don't think I could have as many as you have had. I was reading your other thread and I know you are having some problems.
I have a psychiatrist who has explained ECT to me and I know I won't feel anything.
I ordered Kitty Dukakas's book, as well as Patty Duke's.
Thank you for asking about me.
Carol
A picture's worth a 1000 words
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: With any luck, I'm lost in a view finder
Posts: 2,954
Good gravy girl!! What a horrid experience!!!
Although Deaconess is a different hospital than Boston Medical right?
I stayed in-patient at a seperate mental health facility while I underwent the first series of treatments because i didn't have anyone who could stay with me after each treatment. Luckily the facility was pretty good for most aspects and most of the staff were really caring and helpful.
Let me just say that I've never woken up and just not remembered anything. I always remember right up to the second that I go under. I have a lot of anxieties about going under, but it's also so refreshing and relaxing that I also enjoy it too.
The memory issues are gradual. The gradually come on and then they gradually get better again. I don't think it was until after #8 or #10 that i started having most of my memory issues.
My ECT doctor, and staff, only give bilateral ECT treatments (which tends to have more issues with memory loss than unilateral) because he strongly believes the bilateral treatments are far superior at releaving the depressions. I've read the same thing, but probably, if i'd had my choice...i'd have opted for the unilateral anyway (at least at first). The other difference with unilateral is that they have to shave a spot on the top of your head to put the 2nd electrode and my doctor doesn't like people having to do that. I personally wouldn't have minded one bit since my hair is so long that i doubt it would have been noticeable......and also, at least THAT would be something "real" that could possibly help people at work realize how serious this illness is.
Anyway, the docs can also administer anxiety meds and things before the treatment for patients with extreme issues about the precedure.
I wonder if there'd be a way you could just go and watch one done? It might take talking to several different people and mostly getting the okay from the hospital, the patient and the ECT doctor, but it just might be a possiblity if it was pursued strong enough.
i can at least see your hesitations about willingly walking into a hospital for a procedure....especially one with all the stigmas and things like ECT.
But, just keep it tucked away in the back of your mind as a possiblity if worst comes to worst. I think your family would at least agree that if you ever got seriously suicidal that the ECT would be better than just simply ending it all without giving anything a chance? right?
By the way....the whole procedure is usually done on an outpatient basis. My monthly ones only take about 2-3 hours before i'm being wheeled out the door to go home and sleep. So unless you did the inpatient thing like i did, then you'd be able to go home after each one. But even if you had to do the inpatient thing...i found it quite nice to have someone else take care of me with 3 meals a day and clean towels whenever i finally felt like showering and them giving us movies to watch or take us down to the gym or crafts room or whatever. There were all kinds of activities to participate in when i wasn't sleeping. i really wish i was back in there now.
No matter what...hang in there...you can do it. i know you can!
Love and hugs,
Jenna
Although Deaconess is a different hospital than Boston Medical right?
I stayed in-patient at a seperate mental health facility while I underwent the first series of treatments because i didn't have anyone who could stay with me after each treatment. Luckily the facility was pretty good for most aspects and most of the staff were really caring and helpful.
Let me just say that I've never woken up and just not remembered anything. I always remember right up to the second that I go under. I have a lot of anxieties about going under, but it's also so refreshing and relaxing that I also enjoy it too.
The memory issues are gradual. The gradually come on and then they gradually get better again. I don't think it was until after #8 or #10 that i started having most of my memory issues.
My ECT doctor, and staff, only give bilateral ECT treatments (which tends to have more issues with memory loss than unilateral) because he strongly believes the bilateral treatments are far superior at releaving the depressions. I've read the same thing, but probably, if i'd had my choice...i'd have opted for the unilateral anyway (at least at first). The other difference with unilateral is that they have to shave a spot on the top of your head to put the 2nd electrode and my doctor doesn't like people having to do that. I personally wouldn't have minded one bit since my hair is so long that i doubt it would have been noticeable......and also, at least THAT would be something "real" that could possibly help people at work realize how serious this illness is.
Anyway, the docs can also administer anxiety meds and things before the treatment for patients with extreme issues about the precedure.
I wonder if there'd be a way you could just go and watch one done? It might take talking to several different people and mostly getting the okay from the hospital, the patient and the ECT doctor, but it just might be a possiblity if it was pursued strong enough.
i can at least see your hesitations about willingly walking into a hospital for a procedure....especially one with all the stigmas and things like ECT.
But, just keep it tucked away in the back of your mind as a possiblity if worst comes to worst. I think your family would at least agree that if you ever got seriously suicidal that the ECT would be better than just simply ending it all without giving anything a chance? right?
By the way....the whole procedure is usually done on an outpatient basis. My monthly ones only take about 2-3 hours before i'm being wheeled out the door to go home and sleep. So unless you did the inpatient thing like i did, then you'd be able to go home after each one. But even if you had to do the inpatient thing...i found it quite nice to have someone else take care of me with 3 meals a day and clean towels whenever i finally felt like showering and them giving us movies to watch or take us down to the gym or crafts room or whatever. There were all kinds of activities to participate in when i wasn't sleeping. i really wish i was back in there now.
No matter what...hang in there...you can do it. i know you can!
Love and hugs,
Jenna
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Join Date: Sep 2005
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Posts: 178
Dear Jenna,
Thank you so much for replying to me. You have so much on your plate and you are very giving to try to help me.
My psych doc said I would have to stay at the hospital for the first series. I guess then if I needed one, it would be outpatient. Before I had respiratory failure, I kind of liked it when I was in the hospital for a couple of days. I know what you mean about about being taken care of. The problem is I have lost my faith in doctors and nurses. Just recently (Dec.) I had hip replacement. Now, I expected pain, but I had so much pain prior to going in, that I figured I would be ok. Nope. They tried morphine, demerol, and another pain med. and each one would work the first time and that was it. Once, I called for my nurse for one and one half hours for med. She kept saying she was coming, but she was at the desk. If she was in a patient's room who needed care more than me, I would have understood. My doctor just kept saying that I have a high tolerance to pain med. Hip replacements are not supposed to hurt that much.
I am concerned about the memory thing because my memory is shot now since I had to retire.
I will ask my doc about the bi and unilateral. Interesting.
Right now my life consists of walking twice a day (a short distance) to get my hip strength back. My legs actually shake and I don't go very far. Then, I use the computer, read, or watch television. What a life. I have a beautiful yard (we just move here about a year ago) and I don't even enjoy it. My psych doc says I should be in better physical shape before I attempt ECT. So I walk.
Thanks so much. I wish I could help you as you have helped me.
Carol
Thank you so much for replying to me. You have so much on your plate and you are very giving to try to help me.
My psych doc said I would have to stay at the hospital for the first series. I guess then if I needed one, it would be outpatient. Before I had respiratory failure, I kind of liked it when I was in the hospital for a couple of days. I know what you mean about about being taken care of. The problem is I have lost my faith in doctors and nurses. Just recently (Dec.) I had hip replacement. Now, I expected pain, but I had so much pain prior to going in, that I figured I would be ok. Nope. They tried morphine, demerol, and another pain med. and each one would work the first time and that was it. Once, I called for my nurse for one and one half hours for med. She kept saying she was coming, but she was at the desk. If she was in a patient's room who needed care more than me, I would have understood. My doctor just kept saying that I have a high tolerance to pain med. Hip replacements are not supposed to hurt that much.
I am concerned about the memory thing because my memory is shot now since I had to retire.
I will ask my doc about the bi and unilateral. Interesting.
Right now my life consists of walking twice a day (a short distance) to get my hip strength back. My legs actually shake and I don't go very far. Then, I use the computer, read, or watch television. What a life. I have a beautiful yard (we just move here about a year ago) and I don't even enjoy it. My psych doc says I should be in better physical shape before I attempt ECT. So I walk.
Thanks so much. I wish I could help you as you have helped me.
Carol
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