drainedwife

HI everyone. I havent been here in months..Thats because I was thinking that my life was starting to be "normal" again, and that things were going to be "okay"..i thought that i just wanted the life back that I used to have. I didnt want anymore therapy, anymore forums on addiction...i just wanted to live like my life was back the way it was before all of this craziness.

My ah had stopped using for maybe 3 or 4 months.....and I was finally started to feel better....i was coming out of my depression and the real me was starting to emerge. Dont get me wrong...things werent perfect...my ah wasnt helping me around the house as much as he should be, and i still felt that it was hard to talk to him....but there were no drugs!!!! And that was better than nothing--although I wasnt really that happy, and still harbored anger for what had happened over the past few years....i was still starting to feel like me again.

THen on Memorial Day weekend....I smelled it--that horrible chemical smell...it knd of smells like a newspaper to me....but I would know that smell anywhere---and then the other major sing....not sleeping at night.....and i also had found a small amout of residue---HERE WE GO AGAIN.>>my nightmare was back!! I was so upset....I didnt kow what to do...i just cried.
How could i be so stupid to think that my life was getting back to normal.
THat he was done using...I thought that maybe it was a one time thing..maybe he had stopped at his friend's house after work and he had given him some coke...he used, it was gone and that would be it!! Please, Please god....just let it be a one time use!!!
The work week went by and no signs of using---good---but then once the weekend came, i knew that it was too good to be true--He had used again..im sure of it....the signs were there...and i believe he has used every weekend since.....but what am i to do????
Before all this, i had given notice at my job-- my ah makes good money--why should i stay working full-time??? He doesnt help me around the house, I do everything, so why should i kill myself??? I wanted to work part time...so i could be there for the kids after school and have time to go food shopping, clean the house, and run all my other errands...my weeknds were cleaning and food shopping...it wasnt fair..i was working full-time because of his habit---and now i wanted to stop running around like crazy, and have the extra time to get things done and be with my kids.....after all, they tax my paycheck like crazy...since i have to be in the same tax bracket and my ah...i figured out that the differencde of me working part-time compared to full-time, after taxes are taken out and all of the other expenditures, I really would only be making $4000.00 more a year!!! it wasnt worth it...so i asked for part time hours,,,which wasnt availale, so i quit....i found another job-part-time and start in a month....
Anyway....here i am...not trusting him again, afraid to tell him , i know he is using again, (although i did mention it memorial day weekend, and he denied it--big suprise there!--NOT!) i really am at a loss...i dont know what to do.
I mean, i had gone through an awful time, last summer with him ( i cant beleive its been a whole year)---where i got an RO, and filed for divorce.
I took him back, against my better judgement. Financially, im basically dependant on him, and i know to start with the fighting again, seperation, etc....it would really kill my kids.....not to mention me...he can really get mean when he is pushed against a wall...and i dont want to go there again.
I know its not fair, i know that i am living a lie...i know , i know.....but i am scared to face my reality. I feel that I am in denial in some ways...im denying the truth that he is using again, that he is a liar...that he will do what ever it is he wants to do, no matter what i say....basically, i do not want to face reality..... i dont want to deal with this anymore...i want it to just go way.

I know i need to find my own happiness--i dont socialize anymore, i barely see any friends, or talk to them on the phone....(not that i have a whole lot anyway....) I need to step away and look at my life and try to figure out what to do...but the truth is...i just dont know what that is--i dont have anymore ideas.....except to stash money away and maybe when the kids are all grown....i can go....maybe the kids need the stabitly of staying in their house, of having their mom around after school...i know it sounds crazy..how can i depend on him to provide for me and the kids.....but somehow he has kept his job, somehow work doesnt know about his drug use, i know that could change one day....but do i have to worry about it now??? when and if that time comes, i can worry about it then....right??? am i just being stupid and remaining in denial????

Please help with any advise, suggestions, etc....or just be there because i need a friend....thanks.

itisatruth

It's easy, IMO, to think that things are getting back to normal. I've done it myself, many times.

That last part, though, made a lot of sense to me: you do need to find happiness for yourself. I don't know the answers right now either, but it is absolutely necessary to do things to find "me" again. Joining this site was part of that for me, so was going to alanon.

I hope you can do things to help you get back into life, whatever that may end up being.

(((Hugs)))

laurie6781

Oh you can change some things for YOU.

Start looking for a full time job again. Teach the kids how to do their own laundry. Do the grocery shopping one night a week on the way home from work, and make that a 'pizza night' (kids will love it, and will help put the groceries away). Start having them help you on Saturday Mornings and house will be cleaned in NO Time.

As to hubby, well.............................................. .....let him do his own laundry also. When he runs out of clean clothes he'll get the idea.

This way, you will be able to start putting some money away in an account in YOUR NAME ONLY to help with a plan for you to be separated and still have a comfortable life for you and the kids.

It sounds like it is also time to go to Alanon. That gives you 'local' support and folks you can call when things are really going against you, or you are having trouble handling a certain situation.

Do not beat yourself up over this. It is so easy for us to fall back into denial because we want NORMALCY in our lives so badly.

I am glad you felt comfortable enough here to post. You know we care very much! Please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing.

Love and hugs,

splendra

((((DW))))

I am pretty sure that the best advise is to take good care of you....

Ann

I agree, it's time to take care of you. Meetings are a good start, they will help you regain your balance and deal with this one day at a time.

It's sad that there are no money back guarantees with recovery, but it is what it is, so it's a good idea to always be able to take care of yourself no matter what.

Hugs

pjbs55

((DW))
Welcome back, been thinking of you. Please take care of you and start asking your girls to help you out some. I think they are old enough to pitch in and do somethings. School is out so this is a good time to let them help and maybe to teach them to do some things they will need to know later anyhow. Don't do everything for your AH, make it do it for himself. Let him see what it is like to work and then work when he gets home.
Try to go to meetings, they work and you will find more support there. Put money into an account with just YOUR Name on it.
Do you still go to the counselor? If not maybe you should start again.
I am here if you need me.
Take care of you, keeping you in my prayers.

drainedwife

My ah feels that since he works, has a very sressful job, and provides for us financially,,,that is enough....that is how he grew up.....his dad worked and his mom did everything...his dad didnt lift a finger...if something had to get done, he would hire someone to do it.
So it is engrained in him to be that way, and i dont think he will ever change..and sometimes he'll sa to me "what do you do that's so great?".."why dont you go do my job and see what its like"..." i pay for your car, for this, for that........etc..." blah, blah, blah....thats what i usually hear when i tell him he is not helping enough around the house.
And forget about telling him he doesnt spend enough time with the kids--that he spends too much time on the computer or on his ipod...basically its impossible to tell him how i feel....he doesnt want to hear it.
this morning, when he left for work, i said no kiss good-bye???? he said that he forgot---
why do i even care?? Last night my oldest was complaining that he was sleeping all the time and i just said "i dont know why he is sleeping so much..." and he got angry.."you dont defend your husband and tell her that i worked 60 hrs, this week, and i was up at 6 am working???".......does someone who works 60 hours a week still spend his sundays on the couch all day, sleeping on and off, watching tv, like he has no responsiblities??? he is a husband and a father..not a single man.....and he swears he was up at 6 am...it was more like 8:30...on saturday morning..big deal....he couldnt sleep sat. night, thats why he was sleeping all day sunday...he gets angry at me and tells me its because of his work....BS-----im sure its because he was using....that's the same behavior that was going on months ago for years....he would sleep on and off all the time on the couch....because of using..not because of him working too much..he didnt sleep like that for the 3 months that he didnt use.....
ITs all craziness and so unfair that i have to deal with it!!

imallright

Ok, so I can so understand. The ladies ahead of me IMO have offered some wise advise. I know what it feels like to make some moves, and then go back ...thinking you are doing the right thing... all the time not sure or trusting that is going to work. Unfortunately, life has no guarantees. We make the best decisions we can at the time and the good news is we can make a different decision if that doesn't work!

You know what is right for you and though it is exhausting to keep pushing forward, you have to. Not sure how old you girls are, but Laurie is right, they can help... but I will tell you from my own experience not to get too excited about that... my kids are so angry at the moment, that they are kind of on strike right along with good old Dad.

I keep telling myself that doing what I am doing is the only way I can survive... I believe it too, although somedays it doesn't feel like it and I think it would be easier to hop back into denial.... BUT once you take a look, it's almost impossible to decide to "unlook".

You sound like a smart, strong Mom who loves her kids. Focus on you and them, and forget about what he will think, need or how he will respond. Keep coming back here, we are here for you and just responding to you is good medicine for me!

We will make it!

11d

First of all, let me say that you are not stupid! You are trying to live a "Normal" life. What is stupid about that? You deserve that. It is he that is the addict. I know your frustration and pain. I have decided to stay home, so that I do not take that responsibility from him. I have 3 VERY active kids, 2 are teenagers. I want to be there for them. I am not going to give up my ONLY time with them on the weekends, because my RAH does not help me either. I am thinking about stashing some cash also. I too have become very isolated and live in part in denial. BUT I have to believe when GOD finally shows me what he wants for me.....I did the right thing by giving my marriage a chance. I know I tried. BUT I live in doubt every day. It gets old. My RAH did the same thing regarding the sleeping his life away. He worked alot.....that is where he got his drugs!!!...then sleep ALL The time. NO time with us! Now that he is clean...he works all the time on deer stands, deer food plots, watching deer tv,......and we are remodeling our house! HELLO>>>> he steps over all the drills, saw dust,..... Someone on here told me that an addict can be a jerk whether they are on drugs or not. Just because they are recovery from drug addiction, Does not mean they are not going to still be a jerk! I had never though of that! I expected for him to be different! He is not different,....just clean! Addicts work their programs, I can not expect what I want to come out of that. I have to look at myself and what I want. I can only change myself. He may never change......just whether he is clean or sober. I also know after 17 years of marriage, he is not the same person. OR is it me who is not the same person?! I don't know........

You said you smelled the drugs. Of course he will deny. Have you set your boundaries and the consequences? If he uses, what are the consequences and are you ready to back them up? Just thinking.....

duet_4-8

Hey drained,

I haven't posted here in a long time; I read around and I keep in touch with some folks by other means. But I feel the need to jump in here because last year I felt a connection to you.

I went back to my exh more times then I care to admit over the years. I always went back for basically the same reasons you did. Comfort, support, wanted to be there for my kids, etc. I always ended up kicking myself a few months down the road, too, because nothing changed and I kept sinking lower and lower.

But the last time I left, I was at MY bottom. I felt a lot like you are feeling now. That was in March of 2007. I took a deep breath, I took control, and I jumped.

I was at the point of either get out or die. It was as simple as that. No, I wasn't desperate enough for suicide. But I was stressed enough to have a heart attack or a stroke. Then where would my kids be?? Where will yours be if that happens to you?

It hasn't been easy. I don't live in a big, fine house anymore. My kid doesn't have a pool or a basketball court or a skateboard ramp anymore. My car has 120,000 miles on it. We live in an old farmhouse that needs a lot of work.

No corian kitchen, no huge sunroom, no circle drive and three car garage.

But I breathe free and I sleep well at night. Would I do it again?? In a New York minute!

My exh? Still just as sick as ever. Still blaming me for ruining his life. But I don't have to listen to it anymore.

You CAN get away from the madness. But like anvil said, NO ONE CAN DO IT FOR YOU. It would be nice if it worked that way but it just doesn't.

The only way you will ever be free of him is to suck it up and walk away. You ALMOST did it last year. Maybe this will be the year that you break free!!

mooselips

Drained,
Sometimes I think we do things because it's easier. It's hard to get a job, it's hard to do the housework for two people without any help, or support. It's hard to find a ride to Alanon, or to figure out when the meetings take place.

BUT, it all boils down to happiness and the cliché that "life is Short"
If you died tomorrow, is this what you wanted out of life? Would you die a happy lady?

Prioritize and put yourself first, and the rest will just fall into place. This lifestyle of his is NOT a good atmosphere to be raising children, but it's all up to you, and what you will tolerate.

You can do this, really you can...
In fact, you know you can.


Hugs,

BigSis

Some of the most pointless conversations I have had are with me and an addict - with ME trying to get the ADDICT to admit to using. Even though we both KNOW they are using.

One lady on here took pictures of her addicted partner passed out, with the drug paraphernalia on his chest, and residue on his face. When she showed him the pictures as "proof", he claimed she was trying to make him look crazy and set him up....

That helped convince me that it doesn't matter if they "confess" or not. I have the knowledge I need in order to make the best decisions for ME.


Yep - if you are not going to work, then embezzle from the household funds like crazy. Your kids deserve to have one parent who is responsible... sounds like you get to have that job. It ain't fair... but no one can fix that one... not for them, not for you.


Lots and lots of Alanon meetings helped me very much. I urge you to go - and no need to let your husband know how HIS drug use is causing YOU to need meetings (which was MY modus operandi)... Alanon is only for you. And helps you focus on YOU and change YOURSELF so that YOUR world is a better place to live.


I wish you well, DW.