Aysha

So I got a job yesterday.
Doing market research for Verizon.
Not the ideal job but it pays.
I dont start for another week and payday is every 2 weeks.
That is going to be tough at first.
Especially since I am this close to having my car repossesed. And I have til the 3rd to pay 500 bucks to keep my phone,cable,and internet.
Not to mention credit card bill and car insurance.
But I have faith it will all work itself out.
Especially since I have filled out the paperwork to have my paycheck direct deposited into my grams account.
No money is even going to cross my hands.
I feel like a little kid having to do that.
But it is the only way to ensure I wont mess up and that our bills will be paid.
I am done screwing around.
I do not trust myself. And I can admit that.
It is a dam shame being 32 and not being able to be responsible enough to pay a bill.
But I have to do what I have to do. Shame i can live with.
Being a loser street rat killing myself slowly and dragging the only person in the world who has stood by me through everything down with me. I cant.

Horselover

Realizing you're powerless over it and taken steps to conquer it before it happens is being strong! You are definitely not a loser and I believe you have become quite wise. Good luck and I'll be praying you find the confidence that is deep inside you. God bless you!

AW2486

I'm sure down the road you will reach the point that you can be responsible with your money.

I got into trouble with credit cards during my early sobriety .. been working hard the last 3yrs to dig out. The light at the end of the tunnel is getting brighter by the day.

But I had to learn how to manage money better.

Hang in there.

Anna

Trish,

You need to do whatever you need to do, in order to stay sober.

I'm glad to hear about the job.

Rowan

Okay - so the money will go to grams. That's good.

I want to hear about your recovery.

Dee74

me too....whats the plan there Trish?

D

Aysha

I start IOP tomorrow.
I am also going to look into finding a therapist or something along those lines to deal with my other issues.
Such as these thoughts of not wanting to exist. As much as I thought I wasnt. I am coming to terms that I may have some serious depression issues.
Just alot of underlying issues besides my drug use.
Things that I never think about but I know are lingering in the back of my mind.
Like My mom being missing since I was 5. Losing my pregnancy in 96. Not having my dad in my life. And now I havent even spoken to him in almost a year now.
And after this last BS episode for the past month. The rest of my family isnt speaking to me and avoiding me like the plague.
I dont blame them at all.
But still. It hurts. But they have to do what they have to do too.
I know when I get my act together it will be like it was before.
I need to find out why I just am not happy. Why I get so bored with life. Just alot of things.
But first things first.
I am not going to use no matter what.
And it is going to be the hardest thing I have ever done. And all of you already know that. And alot of you are doing it. I just dont know how you guys do it day in and day out.
But I am willing to learn how.
I am so so tired. I want what you guys have.
And I dont expect it to be all sunshine and rainbows just because I am sober.
But I do know getting high definately isnt helping.
I really expect to go through hell here for the first few months.
But I have to deal with it. And I know I only have to do it one time. If I just stop messing up.
But really. IOP is my only plan for program right now. Meetings. Doing whatever I have to not to get high.
Car keys arent even in my posession anymore.
I put myself on lockdown. But thats ok.

Rowan

Keep it simple, Trish. All that other stuff - depression, trauma, etc - once you get some clean time under your belt, you'll be able to look at that. Try not to overwhelm yourself or to set yourself up to fail. Get to IOP - and get to a minimum of 4 AA or NA meetings a week (I'm going easy on you). Work, meeting/IOP, bed. Repeat.

Dee74

I can really second that Trish...the only way I made it this time was to keep it moronically simple - don't drink/use, one day at a time - and doing whatever it took to maintain that.

everything else seems to have this neat habit of working out

D

Aysha

Yea..you guys are right. I do tend to fill my plate too much.
I need to learn to focus on the main thing. DONT USE NO MATTER WHAT.
Thanks for always being there for me. I so appreciate you guys more than you will ever know.

Done_With_It

Daddio

I am so glad to here that some positive things are going for you right now Chiynita. I've read with much interest your posts over the the last couple of months, and this post of your seems to have a sliver of light in what was your bleak world.

Your one statement above stood out to me above all the rest. That one affirmation to me pretty much sums things up. Getting high definitely isn't helping.

Have you spoken with your creditors about a possible alternate paydown solution? It is a lot cheaper for them to work with you to recoup their money than it is to hire lawyers to come and get it. Just give them a call, or even a debt consolidation company. Just a thought.

I wish you the best. And my prayers for courage and strength go out to you.

tommyk

Good stuff Chiy... welcome to the rest of your life.

A lot of people here are pulling for you.

Make it happen so a few years from now you can tell your success story to someone else in your shoes.

They will be there needing your help when the times comes. Do it for you, and them.

Emily2002

What a great, positive post. Go for it, Chiynita!!!!

serenityqueen

Trish, from my experience, if I expect something to be horrible, it will be.

Try not to focus on the things you can't do like managing money for the time being and focus on the fact that you have money coming in now because you are clean and are employable.

And as far as your job . . . hey, we all start out with what I like to call get well jobs. I know for me, if my first few jobs after I got clean and sober had a great deal of responsibility, stress and pressure, I'm not too sure this wouldn't have been too much for me to handle early on.

As far as the money you owe out, you can only take care of so much each check. Again, don't focus on what you can't pay, congratulate yourself for what you can pay. Hey, if you loose the cable for a short time, the world won't end. I know you don't want to loose your internet but if it's in a package, perhaps you could find a straight internet company. Many of them are so competitive anymore that they have trial offers and no fault cancellation clauses.

Try not to overwhelm yourself. . . you can't make up for lost time. I learned that early on. Hence the sayings, Keep it Simple and One Day at A Time.

You're on the right path . . . remember, you have to learn to crawl before you can walk so don't try to go straight to running a marathon.

You're right where you need to be. . . remembering what you could lose but also being grateful for what you haven't.

God Bless you Trish!
Judy

warrens

Chiynita

Interesting stuff-all of it. But I have an observation:

You SOUND good. Your writing, your thoughts, just something about your words sounds healthy and confident.

You go, girl.

warren

Impurrfect

(((Trish)))

I think you're making good progress....the job, putting the money in grams's account, and most importantly, realizing how important it is to just not pick up.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

SoBearish

Great job on getting the job!!! Well done!!

four812

you've taken some gtreat steps trish

i'm 47 and i've been in similar situations recently giving up all control of my money. your not alone on that one ok?

the important thing for me is I am tryibng to stay focused on the present day that I am in. of course I fail many times during the day, and when I notice I get myself back into the present moment. ONE DAY AT A TIME.

the people who you owe money...they want that money real bad, and they will do anything they can to help accomodate you.

thanks for sharing

Aysha

Made it to IOP today. Gas light on and all. It was ok the first group. But the second one I had a hardtime staying alert. This one guy kept going on and on and on.
Not being rude. But how many times do you have to say the same thing. He went on for like 45 mins.
Then the counselor just stared at me and so I had to share a little. Which was ok.
I dont mind sharing. But I keep it to a reasonable time frame.
But all in all it was good.
I will be doing this 5 days a week for a few months. So I better get use to it.
Trying really hard not to think about the finacial stuff.
It creeps in my mind alot. But I let it go fairly quickly.
I mean really nothing I can do anyway.
I dont want to drive myself crazy thinking about it.
Anyway. My day was successful.
Hopefully this will be the beginning that will stick.
And of course I mentioned this wonderful board. I always do.
Without you guys. Alot of my attempts wouldnt have happened.