New Here-At Breaking Point
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Virginia
Posts: 6
New Here-At Breaking Point
I guess I'm at my wits end and need to be able to talk with people who are going through the same thing as me. I found using forums like this very helpful as my husband and I struggled with infertility for 2 1/2 years.
I'm 31 years old, a brand new mom and the wife of a man who is addicted to Oxy. I'm not going to sugar coat it and say that an injury caused him to begin to use Oxy. He has always had an addictive personality, but has always been able to kick his vices (mainly pot) with a little help from counseling. In August of 2006 he hurt his back on vacation and was given some mild pain killers. When we returned from vacation and his prescription ran out a "friend" he worked with who was very heavily addicted to Oxy gave him some. He knew full well what he was getting into and just a few short weeks later was becoming dependent on it. I was oblivious!
At the time it had already been decided that we would be doing invitro fertilization in the summer of 2007. In February of 2007 he came clean to me about what was going on and admitted himself into outpatient Suboxone treatment. It seemed to have worked, we continued on with our infertility treatment and I got pregnant in June. In August he was laid off and shortly after relapsed. I was unaware of the relapse until about November when I found he had opened a credit card and maxed it out at $20,000.
He stopped using around Christmas, but relapsed again shortly after our son was born in March. He is a stress user I think because when **** happens he relapses. I found out 2 weeks before my due date that my department at work would be eliminated while I was on maternity leave. I got a good severance, eligibility for unemplyment and since I had $15,000 in my savings account that I had saved since getting pregnant neither of us were too worried. Apparently the stress of a new baby and being the sole provider was too much for him. In this 3 month period since our son was born my husband has been in 3 horrible car accidents, totalled 2 trucks and used so much money on Oxy that in order to pay our bills I've been forced to totally drain my savings. I'm afraid that any day now I will get a call that he is dead.
I have hit the breaking point literally! He has a great job that could support our family, but because of his addiction and the debt it has caused we are barely making ends meet.
He has no access to our bank account. All of his paychecks are direct deposited into an account with only my name. He has forged my signature many times and now the bank will return any checks that don't have my matched signature. There is also a block on the account on any check written to him. I also found out today that a doctor in our area wrote him a prescription last week for it! If I could find out that doctor's name I would turn him in in a heartbeat because my husband has NO REASON to take this drug.
I have been with him for 13 years and have gotten to the point that I would walk out the door TODAY if I could. I've always been very independent and strong willed, but not having a job right now and a son to support kind of leaves me feeling vulnerable. I've been to counseling on my own and with him and I've been to ALANON. I have a huge job interview next week and I've told myself that I will leave him for my son's sake if I get this job. He has told me I'm not helping him by walking out, but at this point it is about my son. I don't want him to ever suffer. I know the only way my son won't suffer at the hands of father's addiction is if he gets clean. I'm not so sure that will ever happen so I need to do what is best for him. It just sucks that this baby was so planned and so wanted for so long and now this!
My husband was a good man at one point and he could be the best dad, but this drug has taken him from us.
I'm 31 years old, a brand new mom and the wife of a man who is addicted to Oxy. I'm not going to sugar coat it and say that an injury caused him to begin to use Oxy. He has always had an addictive personality, but has always been able to kick his vices (mainly pot) with a little help from counseling. In August of 2006 he hurt his back on vacation and was given some mild pain killers. When we returned from vacation and his prescription ran out a "friend" he worked with who was very heavily addicted to Oxy gave him some. He knew full well what he was getting into and just a few short weeks later was becoming dependent on it. I was oblivious!
At the time it had already been decided that we would be doing invitro fertilization in the summer of 2007. In February of 2007 he came clean to me about what was going on and admitted himself into outpatient Suboxone treatment. It seemed to have worked, we continued on with our infertility treatment and I got pregnant in June. In August he was laid off and shortly after relapsed. I was unaware of the relapse until about November when I found he had opened a credit card and maxed it out at $20,000.
He stopped using around Christmas, but relapsed again shortly after our son was born in March. He is a stress user I think because when **** happens he relapses. I found out 2 weeks before my due date that my department at work would be eliminated while I was on maternity leave. I got a good severance, eligibility for unemplyment and since I had $15,000 in my savings account that I had saved since getting pregnant neither of us were too worried. Apparently the stress of a new baby and being the sole provider was too much for him. In this 3 month period since our son was born my husband has been in 3 horrible car accidents, totalled 2 trucks and used so much money on Oxy that in order to pay our bills I've been forced to totally drain my savings. I'm afraid that any day now I will get a call that he is dead.
I have hit the breaking point literally! He has a great job that could support our family, but because of his addiction and the debt it has caused we are barely making ends meet.
He has no access to our bank account. All of his paychecks are direct deposited into an account with only my name. He has forged my signature many times and now the bank will return any checks that don't have my matched signature. There is also a block on the account on any check written to him. I also found out today that a doctor in our area wrote him a prescription last week for it! If I could find out that doctor's name I would turn him in in a heartbeat because my husband has NO REASON to take this drug.
I have been with him for 13 years and have gotten to the point that I would walk out the door TODAY if I could. I've always been very independent and strong willed, but not having a job right now and a son to support kind of leaves me feeling vulnerable. I've been to counseling on my own and with him and I've been to ALANON. I have a huge job interview next week and I've told myself that I will leave him for my son's sake if I get this job. He has told me I'm not helping him by walking out, but at this point it is about my son. I don't want him to ever suffer. I know the only way my son won't suffer at the hands of father's addiction is if he gets clean. I'm not so sure that will ever happen so I need to do what is best for him. It just sucks that this baby was so planned and so wanted for so long and now this!
My husband was a good man at one point and he could be the best dad, but this drug has taken him from us.
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
Mytwo,
Hugs to you, for all you're going through....
Are you attending Alanon meetings, heaven knows they've helped me in my life dealing with my AS.
More will be along shortly.
Welcome to S.R.
Hugs to you, for all you're going through....
Are you attending Alanon meetings, heaven knows they've helped me in my life dealing with my AS.
More will be along shortly.
Welcome to S.R.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,307
Mytwolabs...... (((hugs)))
There is a ton... and I mean a TON of support on here! My abf's doc are opiates.
Check out this link ... it's in the SA forum and was really helpful.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...g-answers.html
Before you make yourself any more crazy.... "let go and let God"..... that is what I have done..... and I can't tell you just how much it has helped me... and my abf!
And remember those 3 C's !!!!!!!
((((hugs))))
There is a ton... and I mean a TON of support on here! My abf's doc are opiates.
Check out this link ... it's in the SA forum and was really helpful.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...g-answers.html
Before you make yourself any more crazy.... "let go and let God"..... that is what I have done..... and I can't tell you just how much it has helped me... and my abf!
And remember those 3 C's !!!!!!!
((((hugs))))
Member
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 65
Mytwo...I am sorry that you have to go through this. You found a wonderful place the people here are very caring and knowledgeable. Although I don't know exactly what you are going through as my son is the one with an active addiction in my life.I can say that the people here have taught me about detachment, and also the importance of Al-Anon...I attended my first meeting yesterday, and it was like a huge weight lifted off of my shoulders. Your really need to focus on you and your son right now, because you can't control what he does but you can have control over your choices and life.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Virginia
Posts: 6
I just got a call from the bank that he was there trying to cash a check. I can't believe he would try knowing there is an alert on my account. I put the alert on last week and since then he has tried to cash at least 3 checks at various branches. It doesn't however stop him from taking them to a grocery or check cashing place. I think what will happen at that point is once it hits the bank they will deny it-I'm not sure if I'll get in trouble for writing bad checks or if he will for forging.
I can't figure out what he is thinking (I know he isn't really thinking at all). I called him after the bank called me and he tried to tell me that the only place he had been was his primary care physician's office to have his stiches removed (a result of last weeks car accident). I told him the bank had just called and he was like "Oh yeah I stopped at the bank because I wanted to see if you had lifted the hold." Now he is on his way home and says he has a plan for getting clean which I highly doubt.
We're in such a bad place right now. He has a very good job with a very good company, but hasn't been there long and the project they have him on is very time sensitive. If he leaves to go to rehab he probably won't have a job aanymore nd we need his income.
I can't figure out what he is thinking (I know he isn't really thinking at all). I called him after the bank called me and he tried to tell me that the only place he had been was his primary care physician's office to have his stiches removed (a result of last weeks car accident). I told him the bank had just called and he was like "Oh yeah I stopped at the bank because I wanted to see if you had lifted the hold." Now he is on his way home and says he has a plan for getting clean which I highly doubt.
We're in such a bad place right now. He has a very good job with a very good company, but hasn't been there long and the project they have him on is very time sensitive. If he leaves to go to rehab he probably won't have a job aanymore nd we need his income.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
I am so sorry you are in crisis right now. I wish I had good news for you but I don't.
I hate to tell you this, but from your description it doesn't sound like he is going to have a job much longer anyway.
Do you have a plan B? Because you can't rely on an addict. I know you know that but I just want to reinforce for you. YOU will be fine. Just make wise choices for your kids and yourself. Everything will fall into place. YOU are in control - of your future. But not his.
Good luck! Glad you found us.
He has a very good job with a very good company, but hasn't been there long and the project they have him on is very time sensitive. If he leaves to go to rehab he probably won't have a job aanymore nd we need his income.
Do you have a plan B? Because you can't rely on an addict. I know you know that but I just want to reinforce for you. YOU will be fine. Just make wise choices for your kids and yourself. Everything will fall into place. YOU are in control - of your future. But not his.
Good luck! Glad you found us.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,307
*IF* he really is wanting to get clean....... advice him of the following......
flush what he has now.
begin detox NOW and over the weekend.
Monday....... start subutex
And then to attend NA meetings when off from work.
The subutex will keep the wds at bay... for the most part.
There is a lot of info at Suboxone.com - Office-Based Treatment for Opioid Dependence or point him (or yourself) to the Substance Abuse forum for more info.
That is my .02cents....... however, as it sounds like you already know... this is something HE has to do for HIMSELF!
Like the other posters....... what are you doing for yourself .... to protect yourself? If he doesn't get help and begin recovery...... what are you going to do?
What is plan A, B, C etc?
flush what he has now.
begin detox NOW and over the weekend.
Monday....... start subutex
And then to attend NA meetings when off from work.
The subutex will keep the wds at bay... for the most part.
There is a lot of info at Suboxone.com - Office-Based Treatment for Opioid Dependence or point him (or yourself) to the Substance Abuse forum for more info.
That is my .02cents....... however, as it sounds like you already know... this is something HE has to do for HIMSELF!
Like the other posters....... what are you doing for yourself .... to protect yourself? If he doesn't get help and begin recovery...... what are you going to do?
What is plan A, B, C etc?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Virginia
Posts: 6
Originally Posted by Abundance 
*IF* he really is wanting to get clean....... advice him of the following......
flush what he has now.
begin detox NOW and over the weekend.
Monday....... start subutex
And then to attend NA meetings when off from work.
The subutex will keep the wds at bay... for the most part.
Like the other posters....... what are you doing for yourself .... to protect yourself? If he doesn't get help and begin recovery...... what are you going to do?
What is plan A, B, C etc?
flush what he has now.
begin detox NOW and over the weekend.
Monday....... start subutex
And then to attend NA meetings when off from work.
The subutex will keep the wds at bay... for the most part.
Like the other posters....... what are you doing for yourself .... to protect yourself? If he doesn't get help and begin recovery...... what are you going to do?
What is plan A, B, C etc?
He probably won't take the subutex (he has some left and 2 rx's for it). He had cancer as a teenager and says the taste it leaves in his mouth reminds him of something he took when he was going through treatments. His parents and I have both told him he needs to try and get over that and maybe this time he will try, but I'm not getting my hopes up. As for NA he says he will go to AA, but according to him he will just meet a new connection at NA.
As for what I'm doing for me...well I've put the alerts on the bank account so he won't be able to get any money out of the account. I changed my pin on the Check Card so he won't be able to withdrawl any money. Since I'm unemployed and only have $500 left in my savings account I can't really LEAVE right now. My parents would probably take me in if I told them what was going on, but they live next door so I wouldn't be getting very far and I would still need to pay the mortgage and bills. I have a couple of good job prospects as well so hopefully I'll get one of them. I will probably go back to Al-Anon (I only went once and felt really funny). The hardest part with that is finding someone to watch the baby because at this point I really don't want to leave him with my husband.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
I don't think it is a good idea to dole out drugs to your husband unless you are a physician. You are his wife, not his doctor, his sponsor or his drug dealer. If an addict is going to succeed at recovery he needs medical support and the support of other addicts. I hope you don't take that on.
Your husband will find what he is looking for at NA. Meaning if he looks for a new connection, he'll find one. But if he looks for recovery, he'll find that. He's just making excuses. Lots of them from the sounds of it.
Try not to worry too much about the things that havent happened yet. Just deal with the stuff you can control right now. I have found that everything works out eventually as long as I make WISE decisions that protect me and my child from being around inconsistent drug addicts.
Maybe your parents can watch the kids since they only live next door and you can take a break for an evening and go to an alanon/naranon meeting. Leaving them with an active addict or an addict in detox is a pretty risky move.
Your husband will find what he is looking for at NA. Meaning if he looks for a new connection, he'll find one. But if he looks for recovery, he'll find that. He's just making excuses. Lots of them from the sounds of it.
Try not to worry too much about the things that havent happened yet. Just deal with the stuff you can control right now. I have found that everything works out eventually as long as I make WISE decisions that protect me and my child from being around inconsistent drug addicts.
Maybe your parents can watch the kids since they only live next door and you can take a break for an evening and go to an alanon/naranon meeting. Leaving them with an active addict or an addict in detox is a pretty risky move.
remember to breathe
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: philadelphia pa
Posts: 1,280
Originally Posted by mytwolabs
He did flush what he had, but and this is a big BUT, he has some Methodone to help him step down and he wants to give it to me and give him doses. I'm really not sure this is a good idea.
you're right this is not a good idea
He probably won't take the subutex (he has some left and 2 rx's for it). He had cancer as a teenager and says the taste it leaves in his mouth reminds him of something he took when he was going through treatments. His parents and I have both told him he needs to try and get over that and maybe this time he will try, but I'm not getting my hopes up. As for NA he says he will go to AA, but according to him he will just meet a new connection at NA.
addicts will come up with so many excuses even when they are serious about detoxing
As for what I'm doing for me...well I've put the alerts on the bank account so he won't be able to get any money out of the account. I changed my pin on the Check Card so he won't be able to withdrawl any money. Since I'm unemployed and only have $500 left in my savings account I can't really LEAVE right now. My parents would probably take me in if I told them what was going on, but they live next door so I wouldn't be getting very far and I would still need to pay the mortgage and bills. I have a couple of good job prospects as well so hopefully I'll get one of them. I will probably go back to Al-Anon (I only went once and felt really funny). The hardest part with that is finding someone to watch the baby because at this point I really don't want to leave him with my husband.
you're right this is not a good idea
He probably won't take the subutex (he has some left and 2 rx's for it). He had cancer as a teenager and says the taste it leaves in his mouth reminds him of something he took when he was going through treatments. His parents and I have both told him he needs to try and get over that and maybe this time he will try, but I'm not getting my hopes up. As for NA he says he will go to AA, but according to him he will just meet a new connection at NA.
addicts will come up with so many excuses even when they are serious about detoxing
As for what I'm doing for me...well I've put the alerts on the bank account so he won't be able to get any money out of the account. I changed my pin on the Check Card so he won't be able to withdrawl any money. Since I'm unemployed and only have $500 left in my savings account I can't really LEAVE right now. My parents would probably take me in if I told them what was going on, but they live next door so I wouldn't be getting very far and I would still need to pay the mortgage and bills. I have a couple of good job prospects as well so hopefully I'll get one of them. I will probably go back to Al-Anon (I only went once and felt really funny). The hardest part with that is finding someone to watch the baby because at this point I really don't want to leave him with my husband.
You sound as if you really do know what has to be done if need be but I hear how scared you are of stepping out of your "routine" so to speak. From what I hear in your post, whatever you do you will succeed.
Please know this is just my humble opinion. but you do sound like you got yourself in the right direction.
good luck
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 1,287
mytwolabs, I'm glad you found this site. I do recommend Al-Anon/Nar-anon as well, but coming here is very good too. They say you should try at least six meetings before you decide whether or not it's for you.
As for writing the checks, grocery stores can keep lists of stolen/bad checks and are pretty good at sharing with other stores of their own company in the area.
Just wanted to share my experience in giving my husband his pills. It worked for about a month. But as soon as he went to the doctors, he got more on his own. It was just too easy for him to get them. Now he's back up to an unhealthy amount.....only a matter of time IMO before things go bad again.
If you decide to help with this, please think of and set clear boundaries as to what you will/won't accept. Know what you will do if the boundary is broken, and be sure it is something you can live with.
Hugs, and take care of you and your baby.
As for writing the checks, grocery stores can keep lists of stolen/bad checks and are pretty good at sharing with other stores of their own company in the area.
Just wanted to share my experience in giving my husband his pills. It worked for about a month. But as soon as he went to the doctors, he got more on his own. It was just too easy for him to get them. Now he's back up to an unhealthy amount.....only a matter of time IMO before things go bad again.
If you decide to help with this, please think of and set clear boundaries as to what you will/won't accept. Know what you will do if the boundary is broken, and be sure it is something you can live with.
Hugs, and take care of you and your baby.
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