MsPINKAcres

ok - I get it - I admit I have enabling tendencies when dealing with my loved ones that suffer from addictions. I know I have to stay focused on my program, my boundaries and the God of my understanding.

Ah, but as the AA Big Book says . . .

More will be Revealed

Over the last few weeks, I have realized that I can also be enabling to my daughters who suffer from "untreated al-anonisms" Why? Because I see their pain and I want to fix them - (Danger Will Robinson, Danger - Red Flag! Red Flag!)

One of our younger daughters, an awesome young lady - put her self thru beauty school, worked in a salon for a yr and is now the manager of that salon at 23 yrs old. But alas, enter dysfunctional relationship. Boyfriend with . . .
no job for the last 6 months
no car
no HS diplomia
divorced - 2 kids - doesn't pay CS
smokes and (probably does a little more of other things too)
living off my daughter, uses her car & cell phone while she is at work
(yes, I would love to drag her to a meeting, but I know I can't)

So I sent home a box of cereal with her last nite, gave her a couple of dollars for a 1/2 gallon of milk - and BOOM it hit me . .
I have talked with her in a calm and positive manner about how I see the situation, not talked bad about him - just been encouraging her on how she deserves to be Happy, Joyous and Free - cause of course she is miserable.

But the more I keep "helping" her little by little - maybe I am enabling.

Not by giving her a little sack of groceries now and then - but I admit what I have done is . . . . loaned her money to get her out of a jam, tried to help her "figure out" finance troubles, pretty much been her go to for rescue Mom more and more lately.

And we all know - that's a No No!

Most of us never get out of an unhealthy situation until the pain gets so bad we just can't take it any more - Maybe I have been stopping her from hitting her bottom in this relationship.

wow - what an awakening - darnit - I just ain't as healthy as I thought I was - funny how my disease can just ease it's way back into my life - kinda like thru the back door or something - dirty rat!!!!

So today when she called with another disaster - I listened, I still offered some suggestions and then I stopped and didn't say anything. It never stops tearing your heart out hearing your children cry - I let her cry and then she said - "I gotta get dressed" and we hung up.

The knot is in my stomach - but I know this is for the best - right?

still learning & growning - ODAT,
Rita

Impurrfect

(((Rita))

I, too, find that I can be a codie in just about ANY situation. I have a tendency to react first, think later. I'm getting better, but I don't think we'll ever be cured. I'm trying to learn to bite my tongue, take a deep breath, and think before opening my mouth.

I have Cat's favorite saying memorized now...."I love you. You're a smart person and I know you will figure a way out of this". The knot in the stomach doesn't go away immediately, but it does go away.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

marle

Even before my daughter became an addict, I tried to solve all of her problems. When she was 15 she dated a boy who lived 25 miles away. Now this boy's family had plenty of money but refused to drive him to our house. The solution: I drove 300 miles on the weekends to bring her to his house, him to ours, etc. To this day I still shake my head at that one because it ended badly. (His mom was a controlling person who did not like my daughter and found a way to break them up.) So we all do things that on hindsight are not really helping our children, but until we get that aha moment we do the best we can. Hugs, Marle

WENDYLOST101

Rita, you know whats right and whats wrong. You are a good mother so try not to be to hard on yourself.

Ann

I'm somewhere in between on this one, but it's not me who has to decide.

If we do something nice for someone, because we want to and with no other motive, then I think it is just a nice thing to do.

If we do something nice because we think it will change someone, or because someone is using us for any number of reasons including rescue...this is where we need to reflect inwardly and ask ourselves if we are really helping at all.

It's no picnic being a mom in these circumstances, so I'm sending a big hug and taking away your guilt stick, we don't need those anymore.

MsPINKAcres

she came by my ofc at lunch time - still a little stressed - she hasn't figured out what she will do - I gave her a big ole Mom hug, told her I loved her and she talked about a few options she has.
I gave her some emotional support - told her I thought she was being proactive in trying to do something and not pretending it will all go away if you ignore it.

In my quest for balance - doing what I can within my limits I gave her some money for lunch - told her I loved her and that I would pray for her and her situation.

My heart still hurts - I want to help her - but I know if I keep on helping her more and more - I will also want to share my infinite wisdom (ha ha ha!!!) on how she should get rid of the free-loading, BF - and I have NO right to do that.

He is her choice and I need to MYOB!!!

thanks for the love & support -
you my friends are the best!!

Abundance

You sound like a wonderful mama!!!!!! And that you and your daughter have a close tight connection!

IMO, materialism doesn't build that ..... it's the love and support and just being there to listen that keeps the connection alive!

You are doing great!!!!!!!!!

rahsue

sheesh, you just posted a chapter of my novel!!!!!!! If I could just SHUT MY MOUTH
I know it's hard to watch one of your children go through crap that they didn't cause but (oh god I'm gonna have to practice what I'm about to preach) if they don't learn from their mistakes they will only repeat them, so you (we) have to let the circumstances happen.

hey, thanks for helping me too with your post!!

Kindeyes

I went through a similar situation with my daughter a month or so ago. It takes every ounce of will power NOT to tell them what a HUGE mistake they are making. They have to figure it out for themselves. I bit my tongue so much through that relationship that I'm surprised there's anything left of it! (And there were many times that I failed to bite my tongue too and told her what she "should do" -- that's 'cause I'm so smart, huh? lol)

Luckily the relationship is over and my tongue has had the opportunity to heal.

I also find myself analyzing my behavior constantly.......but sometimes.....it's ok to just be a Mom and do something nice for your child......even if she is an adult. Not everything we do that is nice qualifies as enabling.

hugs

beegee

Your a good mom, your doing what I have to learn to do. I guess we all feel the same about helping and it is so hard not to.
I also like what Impurfect (Amy) said and I think I am going to memorize that too. "Ilove you, your a smart person and I know you will figure a way out of this" perfect!!!
Our hearts will always hurt but it is the best thing to help them... ((HUGS))

Serenity8

I have to remember this stuff as my kids get older. I have read "Love and Logic" and it's all about not bailing your kids out and letting them suffer the consequences for their poor choices.

My kids are 6 and 3, so I have a long way to go, but I know I could easily enable them so I need to be verrrry careful.