I'm trying this again
I got nothin'
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: My house.
Posts: 4,890
I'm trying this again
...I'm an idiot. I tried posting a message a few days ago but couldn't get it to work. 
I began drinking a lot in college to deal with stress (anxiety!) and to go to sleep after a long day. It started out as a few drinks every night and progressed to 5-6 or more. I've been drinking now for about 5 to 6 years (I'm not really sure when I began having a "problem"...besides, time seems to run together for me...).
In November of 2007 I began getting premature heartbeats frequently enough to alarm me. I want to assure everyone that I'm not posting my health problems in order to get or give medical advice. I just feel really alone when it comes to this stuff. I've done extensive searching on the net and can find no support on this subject. I'm scared because I'm starting to have physical problems. Sadly enough, even that has not been enough to stop me from drinking.
I've been seeing a doctor (and yes, I was very honest about my drinking). A resting EKG was done and it appears to be OK (according to that I do not have an enlarged heart). The blood work came back and mostly everything is good. As of right now, the premature beats are being treated as "anxiety related". I go back in six months.
I quit back in January (2008) with little "slips" about every month or so, but during the last few weeks I'm pretty much going full swing again. I wish I could just say quit it and mean it. I probably should be on meds specifically for anxiety/depression, but the doctor probably won't prescribe them because I obviously have a propensity for abusing substances. I think the biggest reason I began to drink so much was not because it was fun (just an added bonus), but because I needed to self-medicate. The problem with that is alcohol inevitably makes it worse and thus begins the vicious cycle.
I'm tired of myself. I am my own worst enemy. If I keep drinking I'll probably die a lot sooner than I should. If I have to label myself as anything, I would have to say I'm agnostic. I'm looking for advice from those who have alternative philosophies, but any and all universal advice from any person of any background is welcome. I'm all ears. I don't really believe that I'm hopeless, but I sure do feel that way most of the time.
I need help. I hope someone reads this.
Thank you.
I began drinking a lot in college to deal with stress (anxiety!) and to go to sleep after a long day. It started out as a few drinks every night and progressed to 5-6 or more. I've been drinking now for about 5 to 6 years (I'm not really sure when I began having a "problem"...besides, time seems to run together for me...).
In November of 2007 I began getting premature heartbeats frequently enough to alarm me. I want to assure everyone that I'm not posting my health problems in order to get or give medical advice. I just feel really alone when it comes to this stuff. I've done extensive searching on the net and can find no support on this subject. I'm scared because I'm starting to have physical problems. Sadly enough, even that has not been enough to stop me from drinking.
I've been seeing a doctor (and yes, I was very honest about my drinking). A resting EKG was done and it appears to be OK (according to that I do not have an enlarged heart). The blood work came back and mostly everything is good. As of right now, the premature beats are being treated as "anxiety related". I go back in six months.
I quit back in January (2008) with little "slips" about every month or so, but during the last few weeks I'm pretty much going full swing again. I wish I could just say quit it and mean it. I probably should be on meds specifically for anxiety/depression, but the doctor probably won't prescribe them because I obviously have a propensity for abusing substances. I think the biggest reason I began to drink so much was not because it was fun (just an added bonus), but because I needed to self-medicate. The problem with that is alcohol inevitably makes it worse and thus begins the vicious cycle.
I'm tired of myself. I am my own worst enemy. If I keep drinking I'll probably die a lot sooner than I should. If I have to label myself as anything, I would have to say I'm agnostic. I'm looking for advice from those who have alternative philosophies, but any and all universal advice from any person of any background is welcome. I'm all ears. I don't really believe that I'm hopeless, but I sure do feel that way most of the time.
I need help. I hope someone reads this.
Thank you.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Europe
Posts: 1,361
heya bamboozle,
Altough I used to be a stoner, and not a alcoholic, I understand the disease 'addiction' the first step towards a better life is to stop drinking, this will not make things easier, but it will get you clear headded enough to start fixing your problems.
take care, and live from day to day,
Altough I used to be a stoner, and not a alcoholic, I understand the disease 'addiction' the first step towards a better life is to stop drinking, this will not make things easier, but it will get you clear headded enough to start fixing your problems.
take care, and live from day to day,
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Viola...it worked...Welcome to our recovery community
We do have a special forum you might find helpful
Secular connections ...and the sticky post on top have info.
Here is the link for you to explore...Just click
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...r-connections/
Good to see a new member seeking a helthy sober future.
Yes! you too can recover.
We do have a special forum you might find helpful
Secular connections ...and the sticky post on top have info.
Here is the link for you to explore...Just click
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...r-connections/
Good to see a new member seeking a helthy sober future.
Yes! you too can recover.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 1,947
the first philosophy....If you have a drinking/drug addiction problem
is: dont drink
it feels uncomfortable to not drink because I am used to numbing or runnning from my feelings or from the constant alone-ness that's in me. I have to let these uncomfortable feelings exist. in the past when they come up....I want to push them down, beat them up, or run run run. the ultimate way i did this was drinking/using.
so as far as philosophy that should be what i'M Concentrating on. but like you, I think a lot about philosophy things and am constantly looking for the answer.
is: dont drink
it feels uncomfortable to not drink because I am used to numbing or runnning from my feelings or from the constant alone-ness that's in me. I have to let these uncomfortable feelings exist. in the past when they come up....I want to push them down, beat them up, or run run run. the ultimate way i did this was drinking/using.
so as far as philosophy that should be what i'M Concentrating on. but like you, I think a lot about philosophy things and am constantly looking for the answer.
Adventures In SpaceTime
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ottawa, Canada
Posts: 5,827
it could be worse but you can make it better
Hi,
I like what you posted about your self and your real problems. Nothing funny about it and i think i get your meaning. Well, I guess since your already knowing how to stop off and on since Jan 08 your good to go from there. Seems more like you just have no joy staying stable and clean now and that means your hurting plain and simple.
Often beating ourselves up when we are hurting offers a weird "comfort" that strangely seems to justify all our other "bad feelings\thoughts\actions". It isn't right but it often is a choice of the addicted personality to keep the hurt alive and well.
When that happens with me i look at the guilt i am carrying around
and i try to see if resentments are toasting my ideals of what i think i deserve out of this life and what i actually should be grateful i have (or don't have!). Resentments and guilt controls our behaviours to no end and the best way out of that is just accept and work the problem one feeling at a time. Take a good look at what you were feeling back a bit when you were doing good and get your heart back into that space. You can do it!
So ya, if you know that drinking is gonna kill you and your drinking like a fish, of course you decided your an idiot. Ditto. But your also the same human that managed to stay straight n clean most of the last six months so how did you do that if your such a loser???
Cuzz your not such a loser that's why!!! u know it!!
8
anyways.
i feel for you because i have been there and you gotta give yourself a warm hug right now!!
and keep smilin' any chance u can get away with....
and ya. the date resets. just the way it works.
later
I like what you posted about your self and your real problems. Nothing funny about it and i think i get your meaning. Well, I guess since your already knowing how to stop off and on since Jan 08 your good to go from there. Seems more like you just have no joy staying stable and clean now and that means your hurting plain and simple.
Often beating ourselves up when we are hurting offers a weird "comfort" that strangely seems to justify all our other "bad feelings\thoughts\actions". It isn't right but it often is a choice of the addicted personality to keep the hurt alive and well.
When that happens with me i look at the guilt i am carrying around
and i try to see if resentments are toasting my ideals of what i think i deserve out of this life and what i actually should be grateful i have (or don't have!). Resentments and guilt controls our behaviours to no end and the best way out of that is just accept and work the problem one feeling at a time. Take a good look at what you were feeling back a bit when you were doing good and get your heart back into that space. You can do it!So ya, if you know that drinking is gonna kill you and your drinking like a fish, of course you decided your an idiot. Ditto. But your also the same human that managed to stay straight n clean most of the last six months so how did you do that if your such a loser???
Cuzz your not such a loser that's why!!! u know it!!
8anyways.
i feel for you because i have been there and you gotta give yourself a warm hug right now!!
and keep smilin' any chance u can get away with....
and ya. the date resets. just the way it works.
later
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 1,947
i agree with the above...you are not an IDIOT or a LOSER.
those are habitual value statements that you make in your mind (we all do).
in the movie "peaceful warrior" there is a scene where you can here everybody's thoughts going on in there heads...and you hear all the negative self condemning thinking that occurs in their heads all the time. It's a pretty cool scene and a great movie.
keep up the good work. You are good
those are habitual value statements that you make in your mind (we all do).
in the movie "peaceful warrior" there is a scene where you can here everybody's thoughts going on in there heads...and you hear all the negative self condemning thinking that occurs in their heads all the time. It's a pretty cool scene and a great movie.
keep up the good work. You are good
Member
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: small-town northern b.c.
Posts: 1
Really appreciate your post. I'm in the same boat. This bout started 8 years ago for me. I went to my doctor about it a year ago and did quite well for a couple of months but really lost it from December onwards. I'm not nearly as productive as I should be and am behind on some painting projects. (I'm a visual artist - I sell paintings and murals and teach art classes at our recreation centre and in the elementary schools) My drinking is definitely undermining my health but it takes such an effort to avoid it for even 3 days. (even writing about the bad effects gives me the urge to drink)
I was prescribed seroquel because I have general anxiety and these really help - at least to force me to go to bed and slow down racing thoughts. Seroquel doesn't provide any buzz at all, just makes one tired.
I haven't been on this site since last fall but came looking for inspiration; I found it!! All I can say for now is Thank-You for opening up and for continuing to struggle. I hope we all succeed.
No drinks for me...at least for tonight...
I was prescribed seroquel because I have general anxiety and these really help - at least to force me to go to bed and slow down racing thoughts. Seroquel doesn't provide any buzz at all, just makes one tired.
I haven't been on this site since last fall but came looking for inspiration; I found it!! All I can say for now is Thank-You for opening up and for continuing to struggle. I hope we all succeed.
No drinks for me...at least for tonight...
Awaiting Email Confirmation
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 2,942
"I probably should be on meds specifically for anxiety/depression, but the doctor probably won't prescribe them because I obviously have a propensity for abusing substances."
Keep coming back.
Most respectfully - you're probably right about needing something for depression... and you're probably wrong about doctors won't prescribe them.
One way (only way?) to find out for sure, whenever you are ready (that's the real question - when will you be ready to find out?), is to ask the doctor.
Keep coming back.
Most respectfully - you're probably right about needing something for depression... and you're probably wrong about doctors won't prescribe them.
One way (only way?) to find out for sure, whenever you are ready (that's the real question - when will you be ready to find out?), is to ask the doctor.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,759
I too am my own worst enemy and critic. But I'm finally learning to forgive myself and be kinder to myself. I too have severe depression and anxiety and self medicating with alcohol was only making it worse. I drank to suppress my feelings and then drank to suppress the anxiety of withdrawal. I am now on day six and feeling very hopeful that I can finally get it right.
Keep trying. Do whatever it takes to stay sober. And do consult your doctor before stopping as withdrawal can be dangerous as well as difficult. You can do this. We can be a support network for you. Keep coming back!!
:ghug3
Keep trying. Do whatever it takes to stay sober. And do consult your doctor before stopping as withdrawal can be dangerous as well as difficult. You can do this. We can be a support network for you. Keep coming back!!
:ghug3
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