ode to the worst day of my life
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2003
Location: walking down a happier trail
Posts: 50
ode to the worst day of my life
I just dont even know where to start... I have been trying all day long to organize my thoughts enough to come here and post so that maybe I would feel human and maybe a bit normal again... ALot of what I post is going to sound like I am rambling but alot it is going to get typed though the tears that I am shedding. First of all I had posted some while my A was out of state visiting his mother... Things were pretty darn good for me then... I have been coming here off and on for a few months trying to remember all of the things that I had once learned about how to let it go and take care of me... I havent gotten a chance to get here much over the last few days... I sure wish that I had stayed home with my kids this last weekend... but this is where it begins for me....
for the 4th of july we decided to have a neighborhood BBQ and shoot off some fireworks... Sounds all great until I tell you that my A's drinking buddy is attending and since he has been drinking about nonstop since he came home from his mothers this day is going to be about like any other. I however figure that there is nothing I can do about it anyway ( see I am kind of learning) so I dont say a word. Needless to say the night sucks.. there are some kids there that are being unsafe and the parents dont say a word and get angry when you try and correct their children regarding safety issues. ok so it is a bad night...
I am going to try and do the condensed version
Saturday we try for the BBQ thing again just to see if we missed out on something the night before... Our kids liked the idea... one thing that is weird here tho is our 9 yr old DD is acting weird... seems like her PTSD is whacking her out... then as the evening wears on and my A's drinking buddy and his SO comeout to watch fireworks one of the the neighborhood children tells me this drinking buddy has touched my DD's "privates"
Well of course without making a scene I go into the house to talk to my mom. (we are at her house) DD comes in a few minutes later and says she has a migraine. I find this to be out of the norm too so I ask her about the information I have gotten from her friend.. She tells me a very brief account of the events and I reassure her that I believe her and I am here for her and I will protct her.. I think I did it all right... I pull my A off to the side and tell him. He says that he have to take her home because she is sick... We go home and dont really talk about it... he is drunk and I am just in shock...
Sunday I wake up (didnt sleep well anyway) take care of normal day to day business and decide that I am going to go and talk to the neighbors that live around buddy... maybe they saw something... I just cant believe that even though buddy is kind of a dirtbag that he would go that far... (I have lived this nightmare with this kid before) I even talked to a sexual assault advocate for an hour... I dont want to be making reports if I am not sure that my little drama queen is being totally honest... I spend most of the day agonizing over what to do... I am the manager of this little hole in the wall... I just had a bomb dropped in my lap... I come home to talk to my A surely he has something valuable to add to this... I dont think I heard much that he said after the 5th time he said he just didnt think his buddy would do this...
I have 4 kids that wont let you have a private discussion by the way... I do remember being really specific about telling my A not to go to his buddies house until we had figured out what we were going to do about this problem...
Later that night (note that my A has been drunk since early in the day and hiding in our backyard drinking) He goes off to take care of some of the managment business... I called his phone a few times just to see where he was (the codependant rears its ugle head) He is gone for several hours when my sister comes to my house and tells me that he is at the buddies house. I am completely blown away.. I cant believe he would do that... why would he go and consort with the "enemy"?? I have to go and see for myself that he is there.. I stop at another nieghbors thinking that maybe he is there instead.. of course he isnt... my nightmare is in fact coming true... so I go to the buddies house and knock... and who answers the door but my drunk jacka$$ of a husband... My emotions rage out of control... but I keep my cool (ok mostly) I take my ring off slap it in his hand and tell him not to ever come home... he says Fine I wont... I tell him I hope he will be happy and leave....
I know that I have alot of things to take care of now.... first to get me under control.. I realize I cant do it alone so I call in reinforcements... my sister goes and gets my mom out of bed and my friend shows up... I call the police and they come and take a report and say that a detective will be calling me to do and interview with my DD... He also says that the buddy had called and said that one of the "neighbors" had told him the police were looking for him to arrest him... This was awhile before I knew were jacka$$ was...
Monday I have began covering my bases... I even went as far as to fill out divorce papers... I cant live with this man anymore... I cant live with someone that would do this to our family... I changed the locks... I am doing everything that I can think of to protect what is mine... I dont want to be spiteful or mean... I just want it to stop...
I am so confused... how can someone that I love so much be like this? how can he betray me like this betray our child... I swear that I never in a million years thought that he would be capable of what he has done... I have had just about every emotion that I think a person can have today... he did come here today when i was out and just as i got home he jumped in my truck and left... I know he is still at his buddies house... and I am certain that he is drunk or passed out...
there are a few things that I am certain of... I dont want him to be able to drive by my house and take my kids out of the yard and disappear with them... I dont want him to be able to hurt us anymore..
I knew that here I would would find someone that understands... you all have been so helpful to me everytime I have needed you... I am not good at asking for help or admitting I am weak but right now I am living moment to moment with my sanity hanging in the balance...
Kathie
PS sorry for the long post... I did say that was the short version right?
for the 4th of july we decided to have a neighborhood BBQ and shoot off some fireworks... Sounds all great until I tell you that my A's drinking buddy is attending and since he has been drinking about nonstop since he came home from his mothers this day is going to be about like any other. I however figure that there is nothing I can do about it anyway ( see I am kind of learning) so I dont say a word. Needless to say the night sucks.. there are some kids there that are being unsafe and the parents dont say a word and get angry when you try and correct their children regarding safety issues. ok so it is a bad night...
I am going to try and do the condensed version
Saturday we try for the BBQ thing again just to see if we missed out on something the night before... Our kids liked the idea... one thing that is weird here tho is our 9 yr old DD is acting weird... seems like her PTSD is whacking her out... then as the evening wears on and my A's drinking buddy and his SO comeout to watch fireworks one of the the neighborhood children tells me this drinking buddy has touched my DD's "privates"
Well of course without making a scene I go into the house to talk to my mom. (we are at her house) DD comes in a few minutes later and says she has a migraine. I find this to be out of the norm too so I ask her about the information I have gotten from her friend.. She tells me a very brief account of the events and I reassure her that I believe her and I am here for her and I will protct her.. I think I did it all right... I pull my A off to the side and tell him. He says that he have to take her home because she is sick... We go home and dont really talk about it... he is drunk and I am just in shock...
Sunday I wake up (didnt sleep well anyway) take care of normal day to day business and decide that I am going to go and talk to the neighbors that live around buddy... maybe they saw something... I just cant believe that even though buddy is kind of a dirtbag that he would go that far... (I have lived this nightmare with this kid before) I even talked to a sexual assault advocate for an hour... I dont want to be making reports if I am not sure that my little drama queen is being totally honest... I spend most of the day agonizing over what to do... I am the manager of this little hole in the wall... I just had a bomb dropped in my lap... I come home to talk to my A surely he has something valuable to add to this... I dont think I heard much that he said after the 5th time he said he just didnt think his buddy would do this...
I have 4 kids that wont let you have a private discussion by the way... I do remember being really specific about telling my A not to go to his buddies house until we had figured out what we were going to do about this problem...
Later that night (note that my A has been drunk since early in the day and hiding in our backyard drinking) He goes off to take care of some of the managment business... I called his phone a few times just to see where he was (the codependant rears its ugle head) He is gone for several hours when my sister comes to my house and tells me that he is at the buddies house. I am completely blown away.. I cant believe he would do that... why would he go and consort with the "enemy"?? I have to go and see for myself that he is there.. I stop at another nieghbors thinking that maybe he is there instead.. of course he isnt... my nightmare is in fact coming true... so I go to the buddies house and knock... and who answers the door but my drunk jacka$$ of a husband... My emotions rage out of control... but I keep my cool (ok mostly) I take my ring off slap it in his hand and tell him not to ever come home... he says Fine I wont... I tell him I hope he will be happy and leave....
I know that I have alot of things to take care of now.... first to get me under control.. I realize I cant do it alone so I call in reinforcements... my sister goes and gets my mom out of bed and my friend shows up... I call the police and they come and take a report and say that a detective will be calling me to do and interview with my DD... He also says that the buddy had called and said that one of the "neighbors" had told him the police were looking for him to arrest him... This was awhile before I knew were jacka$$ was...
Monday I have began covering my bases... I even went as far as to fill out divorce papers... I cant live with this man anymore... I cant live with someone that would do this to our family... I changed the locks... I am doing everything that I can think of to protect what is mine... I dont want to be spiteful or mean... I just want it to stop...
I am so confused... how can someone that I love so much be like this? how can he betray me like this betray our child... I swear that I never in a million years thought that he would be capable of what he has done... I have had just about every emotion that I think a person can have today... he did come here today when i was out and just as i got home he jumped in my truck and left... I know he is still at his buddies house... and I am certain that he is drunk or passed out...
there are a few things that I am certain of... I dont want him to be able to drive by my house and take my kids out of the yard and disappear with them... I dont want him to be able to hurt us anymore..
I knew that here I would would find someone that understands... you all have been so helpful to me everytime I have needed you... I am not good at asking for help or admitting I am weak but right now I am living moment to moment with my sanity hanging in the balance...
Kathie
PS sorry for the long post... I did say that was the short version right?
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Kathy
As Melody Beattie says "Sometimes to get from where we were to where we are going to, we have to go in-between".
As you walk through the pain of what you are doing, please take comfort knowing that what is behind you is truly behind you and that the future is yours to make as bright and beautiful as you want.
Sometimes, when we step out of the darkness into the light, the light hurts our eyes. But we adjust our vision and soon we can bask in the sunshine.
I am glad that you are taking action to see that your daughter is protected and you both may have a lot of healing to do. But you have taken a big step already, and the rest is just one foot in front of the other - one day at a time.
Sending hugs and prayers that you and your daughter will be safe and comforted.
As Melody Beattie says "Sometimes to get from where we were to where we are going to, we have to go in-between".
As you walk through the pain of what you are doing, please take comfort knowing that what is behind you is truly behind you and that the future is yours to make as bright and beautiful as you want.
Sometimes, when we step out of the darkness into the light, the light hurts our eyes. But we adjust our vision and soon we can bask in the sunshine.
I am glad that you are taking action to see that your daughter is protected and you both may have a lot of healing to do. But you have taken a big step already, and the rest is just one foot in front of the other - one day at a time.
Sending hugs and prayers that you and your daughter will be safe and comforted.
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Join Date: May 2003
Location: Ohio, US
Posts: 50
Hey hun,
It sounds like you are in the middle of a nightmare. I'm so sorry, I will keep you in my prayers. Just remember that you are doing the right thing by your daughter. I know a girl who was being molested by her stepdad and at first her mother was on her side and then decided that she no longer believed her daughter. The girl is now living with her drunk, pot smoking father, while her mom stayed with her stepdad. Know that the most important thing that you can do for her is to stand behind her. Thumbs up for thinking to change the locks.
Love you bunches,
--Ångel
It sounds like you are in the middle of a nightmare. I'm so sorry, I will keep you in my prayers. Just remember that you are doing the right thing by your daughter. I know a girl who was being molested by her stepdad and at first her mother was on her side and then decided that she no longer believed her daughter. The girl is now living with her drunk, pot smoking father, while her mom stayed with her stepdad. Know that the most important thing that you can do for her is to stand behind her. Thumbs up for thinking to change the locks.
Love you bunches,
--Ångel
Member
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: georgia
Posts: 531
TONS OF HUGS COMING YOUR WAY!!! and I have to say it is VERY tough to follow Ann.
I believe you are doing what is right.....protecting yourself and your children. It is a hard thing to do, but you are doing GREAT.
Try to stay focused and keep coming here to let us know how you are! ((((((((((((((((ladyregah)))))))))))))))) Just can't send enough support.......will send prayers too!!
Constant
I believe you are doing what is right.....protecting yourself and your children. It is a hard thing to do, but you are doing GREAT.
Try to stay focused and keep coming here to let us know how you are! ((((((((((((((((ladyregah)))))))))))))))) Just can't send enough support.......will send prayers too!!
Constant
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2003
Location: walking down a happier trail
Posts: 50
day 2
Thank you all so much for your kind words. (((((EVERYONE)))))
I knew that when I finally got enough mental/emotional energy to post here I would be able to find some relief. It seems a little strange how just talking will make things a little easier to deal with especially when it is done amongst people who understand.
Thank you all for being here!!
In my current situation I find that I am really good at stuffing my emotions deep down inside and not letting them come out. I feel like I need to be strong and put up a good front so that no one will know how this is affecting me. I dont want to hurt the kids further by letting them see me cry. The girls (9. 4. and 3) are all starting to ask where daddy is? I tell them I am not sure but I dont think he will be back soon... I so dont want to upset them anymore... This is going to be hard enough... I am more than a little lost about what to do with them too.. I dont want to teach them how to stuff their emotions like I do because that really dont make it easier... They were so attached to this guy and dont really seem to realize that he had problems.. I guess they wouldnt tho they are still so young...
Then if everything that were going on werent bad enough the girls are all fighting constantly and agitating each other.... Grantde they did some of that before but the last 24 hours has been intensely worse... I wonder how long this part will last...
One last thing before I go... I was talking to a friend of my A last night that live in another state and she of course was shocked to hear of his behavior.. (someone that has been gone from his life for a long time and has sporadic contant with) and she thinks that he is cracked of course and suggested I beat him over the head with a 2X4... (I wish that would help) but she also said that she thought that I shoudl write him a letter telling him exactly how I see things and how I feel about what he has done... What do you ladies think??? I know that I can write it and use it as a tool to help me heal even if I dont give it to him... our friend seemed to think that it might help him to see the error of his ways... I am skeptical...
I need to go and type up the declaration that I am going to submit with my divorce papers.. Thanks again for being here for me!
Many many many many hugs to you all,
Kathie
PS maybe when this is finished I will be a butterfly
I knew that when I finally got enough mental/emotional energy to post here I would be able to find some relief. It seems a little strange how just talking will make things a little easier to deal with especially when it is done amongst people who understand.
Thank you all for being here!!
In my current situation I find that I am really good at stuffing my emotions deep down inside and not letting them come out. I feel like I need to be strong and put up a good front so that no one will know how this is affecting me. I dont want to hurt the kids further by letting them see me cry. The girls (9. 4. and 3) are all starting to ask where daddy is? I tell them I am not sure but I dont think he will be back soon... I so dont want to upset them anymore... This is going to be hard enough... I am more than a little lost about what to do with them too.. I dont want to teach them how to stuff their emotions like I do because that really dont make it easier... They were so attached to this guy and dont really seem to realize that he had problems.. I guess they wouldnt tho they are still so young...
Then if everything that were going on werent bad enough the girls are all fighting constantly and agitating each other.... Grantde they did some of that before but the last 24 hours has been intensely worse... I wonder how long this part will last...
One last thing before I go... I was talking to a friend of my A last night that live in another state and she of course was shocked to hear of his behavior.. (someone that has been gone from his life for a long time and has sporadic contant with) and she thinks that he is cracked of course and suggested I beat him over the head with a 2X4... (I wish that would help) but she also said that she thought that I shoudl write him a letter telling him exactly how I see things and how I feel about what he has done... What do you ladies think??? I know that I can write it and use it as a tool to help me heal even if I dont give it to him... our friend seemed to think that it might help him to see the error of his ways... I am skeptical...
I need to go and type up the declaration that I am going to submit with my divorce papers.. Thanks again for being here for me!
Many many many many hugs to you all,
Kathie
PS maybe when this is finished I will be a butterfly
Member
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: dysfunction junction,nc
Posts: 381
((((((((lady))))))))
I am so sorry that you are going through this.
I don't have any wonderful words of advice because my husband is still a jacka$$. I can however send you love and support and tell you that you are doing what is right by your daughter and I admire that in you. I would do the very same thing. That shows MUCH LOVE and DEDICATION for your child. I thought that was smart to change the locks. I would've forgotten that. Please be safe and keep us posted so we won't worry!!!
Sending you prayers and support from NC
2many2count
I am so sorry that you are going through this.
I don't have any wonderful words of advice because my husband is still a jacka$$. I can however send you love and support and tell you that you are doing what is right by your daughter and I admire that in you. I would do the very same thing. That shows MUCH LOVE and DEDICATION for your child. I thought that was smart to change the locks. I would've forgotten that. Please be safe and keep us posted so we won't worry!!!
Sending you prayers and support from NC
2many2count
Member
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: georgia
Posts: 531
UH, I am not sure about the letter thing....on one hand you get to put it on paper (which like you said could be very good theraputic for yourself) and let him know your feelings, but on the other hand if it is not going to change anything (meaning with your plans) then it could be risking opening a can of worms!
If you do choose to write this letter, be very careful that you only do tell him how you feel.....not how bad he has been or use it to point out his faults......see this is why I am not sure about this!
Maybe it would be best just to write it and hold on to it for a while, re-read it after a little time has passed and then decided whether or not to give it to him......your feelings are liable to change about how you feel about giving him a letter......maybe even in a couple of days.
Geez....that didn't help much......good luck and hang in there!
Constant
confused:
If you do choose to write this letter, be very careful that you only do tell him how you feel.....not how bad he has been or use it to point out his faults......see this is why I am not sure about this!
Maybe it would be best just to write it and hold on to it for a while, re-read it after a little time has passed and then decided whether or not to give it to him......your feelings are liable to change about how you feel about giving him a letter......maybe even in a couple of days.
Geez....that didn't help much......good luck and hang in there!
Constant
confused: Member
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Utah
Posts: 330
Oh Kathie I know how you feel. It is so hard to leave someone you love so much even though at times you dont know why you love them. If in writing the letter you are expecting results from him, then I would say you are setting yourself up for failure. If in writing it you really are writing out your feelings then I would say write it in your journal and dont give it to him. With my ex, it just didn't matter what I said or wrote, or screamed at him. It still doesn't to this day. We had 3 kids together too and that right there is the most difficult part. I had to deal with them being angry because they thought that I was the reason he was gone. I have gone thru the where is daddy etc... It is difficult but you know what, as long as your head stays clear, and they feel love and security they will be ok. Kids need their mothers.... and honestly I will bet that they feel more comfortable with him gone rather than him being on the couch drunk by noon. This is such a difficult thing to do. It just takes you taking it minute by minute. I literally had to fake in till I made it. It was so difficult but I believed I saved my sanity and my childrens hearts. Good luck, you are in my thoughts and prayers.
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Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Cincinnati Ohio
Posts: 94
(((Kathie))) Prayers and more prayers are being sent your way. I'm so proud of your courage! Wow! You are entitled to all of your feelings and cry, cry, cry - get it out. I think standing in the shower and crying helps a lot - just knowing the tears are being washed away - washing away the past (even though it's just happened).
You are doing what is right for you and your family. My son was molested by my 1st husband's love (found out he was BI). I went "berserk" with anger. I left and started a new life with my son. It takes great courage to do what you are doing! Wow!
I think being honest with your children is one way to find out how much they have known all along. Maybe they will be glad that you have finally made this choice to protect them.
Letter? Nothing in writing to him, is what I think. I found that my late husband used such stuff against me. And, if he was in blackout, who knows what he would do with it. Share here, share, share, share. We're here for you. Keep coming back.
Again, here's some more loving (((HUGS)))
You are doing what is right for you and your family. My son was molested by my 1st husband's love (found out he was BI). I went "berserk" with anger. I left and started a new life with my son. It takes great courage to do what you are doing! Wow!
I think being honest with your children is one way to find out how much they have known all along. Maybe they will be glad that you have finally made this choice to protect them.
Letter? Nothing in writing to him, is what I think. I found that my late husband used such stuff against me. And, if he was in blackout, who knows what he would do with it. Share here, share, share, share. We're here for you. Keep coming back.
Again, here's some more loving (((HUGS)))
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2003
Location: walking down a happier trail
Posts: 50
better news
First of all let me say that you all are AMAZING! you never fail to make me feel at home and cared for... Which is doubly amazing to me because we have known one another for such a short period of time... I truly feel more loved, respected and cared for here that I do my the man who is supposed to be my husband... I can never thank any of you enough for that... I am eturnally grateful for each and everyone of you... I had a few huge strides today in my process of life... I feel like I have made progress in the right direction.... I worked some more on my divorce papers and they are almost ready to file... I learned alot of things about the process... I am beginning to understand that I am going to be ok and I dont need to hurt every minute of everyday... I also wrote a rough draft of my declaration in support of temporary something or rather... (slipped my mind what it is called at the moment) In any case it was very theraputic and I didnt realize just how much until one of my friends read it and said to me "that must have been very theraputic for you" and I thought yeah it was.... and I have felt very at peace with myself since then... I dont think that I am by any means done... I am going to write that letter to AH and hold on to it for the time being... The support of all of my friends here have given me the courage to do that...
I remember when AH was out on the ship I would write him "letters" kind of like a journal... I would write when I missed him or when the kids were driving me nuts of when I was lonely and it just helped to feel like he was here... He never read any of them but it got those thoughts out of my head...
Anyway I think that it will help me now too even if this is the same as it was then...
I dont plan for him to come home... When I say that I am filing for divorce I also need to say that the reason I am doing that is so that my children will be safe... In the state that I live in either parent can take the child at any time if there is no custody order... I dont want that to happen... I also dont want him to be able to take the kids when he is drinking or take them to his buddies house where they wont be safe... I asked for supervised visitation... I am hoping that I can get then all finished and take them down to the courthouse and file then... Oh and I asked for a GAL for the kids... That seems like the best choice... Then there is someone impartial to speak for the kids...
Anyway I just wanted you all to know that I had a great night!
Still Learning- I can understand your anger... IMO that is the hardest thing to deal with... no one should ever hurt kids... I have thought once or twice about showing the perp what it is like but that would be uncivilized and unlady-like so I guess we just wont go there...
LettingGo- I guess part of me is hoping that everything I am doing will make some sort of change in him but I know that it probably wont... I am really working on trying to get through the hard stuff so that I can work harder on me and the kids... Time heals all things I guess...
Myles and constant- you can bet that I will kick his butt in that letter... even for my eyes only...
2many- you know it wasnt that long ago that some things that you wrote about that were going on in your life touched me... My life has sucked for along time... I didnt want to see it... coming here has opened my eyes... I wont live like that anymore... I guess I am changing from a catterpillar hopefully into a butterfly... I am not done yet.. none of us are.. We are just doing what we need to do to get by day to day...
Ann- Thank you so much! you are so very very right...I can begin to see the light... you write so beautifully... that is hard when life has thrown you so many uglies...
Once again that you all for being here!!
Love and Light to you all
((((((((((((((((((((HUGE HUGS TOO))))))))))))))))))
Kathie
I remember when AH was out on the ship I would write him "letters" kind of like a journal... I would write when I missed him or when the kids were driving me nuts of when I was lonely and it just helped to feel like he was here... He never read any of them but it got those thoughts out of my head...
Anyway I think that it will help me now too even if this is the same as it was then...
I dont plan for him to come home... When I say that I am filing for divorce I also need to say that the reason I am doing that is so that my children will be safe... In the state that I live in either parent can take the child at any time if there is no custody order... I dont want that to happen... I also dont want him to be able to take the kids when he is drinking or take them to his buddies house where they wont be safe... I asked for supervised visitation... I am hoping that I can get then all finished and take them down to the courthouse and file then... Oh and I asked for a GAL for the kids... That seems like the best choice... Then there is someone impartial to speak for the kids...
Anyway I just wanted you all to know that I had a great night!
Still Learning- I can understand your anger... IMO that is the hardest thing to deal with... no one should ever hurt kids... I have thought once or twice about showing the perp what it is like but that would be uncivilized and unlady-like so I guess we just wont go there...
LettingGo- I guess part of me is hoping that everything I am doing will make some sort of change in him but I know that it probably wont... I am really working on trying to get through the hard stuff so that I can work harder on me and the kids... Time heals all things I guess...
Myles and constant- you can bet that I will kick his butt in that letter... even for my eyes only...
2many- you know it wasnt that long ago that some things that you wrote about that were going on in your life touched me... My life has sucked for along time... I didnt want to see it... coming here has opened my eyes... I wont live like that anymore... I guess I am changing from a catterpillar hopefully into a butterfly... I am not done yet.. none of us are.. We are just doing what we need to do to get by day to day...
Ann- Thank you so much! you are so very very right...I can begin to see the light... you write so beautifully... that is hard when life has thrown you so many uglies...
Once again that you all for being here!!
Love and Light to you all
((((((((((((((((((((HUGE HUGS TOO))))))))))))))))))
Kathie
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Join Date: May 2003
Location: Iowa USA
Posts: 102
When you are done, you're done
Just a couple of thoughts
He went to the buddy's house because he didn't believe anything happenned. He didn't believe it because he didn't want to and because he was drinking and had no sense. Whatever. Even in his nonsense state, he chose himself over you and the family. No surprise there ...
Anyway, "When you are done, you are done." If you try to bargain with him, argue, explain, you are sending mixed signals. A discussion means there is a chance of you changing your mind. Meaning, if you are done with him - no way you would explain anything to him in a letter that you give to him. Cut it off. Done. He can figure it out or not. Doesn't matter. Doesn't matter what he thinks of you either. He is on his own.
If you write the letter for yourself, fine. Then burn it. Quick. Before something else can happen with it. Send it up in a puff of smoke and tell yourself you are giving it to God.
In a divorce, you can't leave any kind of opening for them - it will encourage they to try to play you more.
I counselled a woman once who was going through divorce. She said - but he said he would kill himself. (And silently, to myself, I said, in a few more months, you will wish he had.)
It sounds cold, but for real, but a quick cut heals fastest. If you go forward with this, do it surgical. Clean, deep, complete, done.
Good luck, whatever you decide is best. Bottom line, you are the only one who knows what is best for you and your family.
He went to the buddy's house because he didn't believe anything happenned. He didn't believe it because he didn't want to and because he was drinking and had no sense. Whatever. Even in his nonsense state, he chose himself over you and the family. No surprise there ...
Anyway, "When you are done, you are done." If you try to bargain with him, argue, explain, you are sending mixed signals. A discussion means there is a chance of you changing your mind. Meaning, if you are done with him - no way you would explain anything to him in a letter that you give to him. Cut it off. Done. He can figure it out or not. Doesn't matter. Doesn't matter what he thinks of you either. He is on his own.
If you write the letter for yourself, fine. Then burn it. Quick. Before something else can happen with it. Send it up in a puff of smoke and tell yourself you are giving it to God.
In a divorce, you can't leave any kind of opening for them - it will encourage they to try to play you more.
I counselled a woman once who was going through divorce. She said - but he said he would kill himself. (And silently, to myself, I said, in a few more months, you will wish he had.)
It sounds cold, but for real, but a quick cut heals fastest. If you go forward with this, do it surgical. Clean, deep, complete, done.
Good luck, whatever you decide is best. Bottom line, you are the only one who knows what is best for you and your family.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Ayer's Cliff, Quebec
Posts: 803
Countrygirl is right what she says.........as long as you keep having conversations about it with him he'll keep on playing.
I was like that with my ex and he played me along like I was a fool (but we know who the fool is now) but when I made up my mind it was done he no longer had any power and it was a total shock to him. Game over.
You don't need someone in your life who chooses booze over you and your family.
Ngaire
I was like that with my ex and he played me along like I was a fool (but we know who the fool is now) but when I made up my mind it was done he no longer had any power and it was a total shock to him. Game over.
You don't need someone in your life who chooses booze over you and your family.
Ngaire
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2003
Location: walking down a happier trail
Posts: 50
still soldering on day to day
Things have been hectic... I guess I was expecting the kids to give me a little more space about their dad being gone... Didn't realize what it was going to be like to be a single parent...
and... on top of that there are a bunch of legal things going on and that is all a little tough to take... But all in all I am doing ok...
I have been spending my evenings reading some of the posts in here and trying to understand what would make a man walk away from his family with someone that molested his children... I know that alcohol is a powerful thing but I still dont understand how someone could do that to their children... I might not ever find the answers and I am ok with that....It's been 10 days since I told him not to come home... Day by day I will learn to heal and move on with my life... I am doing everything that I can think of to take care of what my family needs... Thank you for asking after me... It's very nice to know that I am thought of... ((((((HUGS))))))
in search of serenity.....
and... on top of that there are a bunch of legal things going on and that is all a little tough to take... But all in all I am doing ok...
I have been spending my evenings reading some of the posts in here and trying to understand what would make a man walk away from his family with someone that molested his children... I know that alcohol is a powerful thing but I still dont understand how someone could do that to their children... I might not ever find the answers and I am ok with that....It's been 10 days since I told him not to come home... Day by day I will learn to heal and move on with my life... I am doing everything that I can think of to take care of what my family needs... Thank you for asking after me... It's very nice to know that I am thought of... ((((((HUGS))))))
in search of serenity.....
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