Kindeyes

Well.......what can I say. I can only trust my gut. His behavior over the last week or two has deteriorated right back to that of an active alcoholic. So either he's in a dry drunk (which I doubt) or he's drinking again. The behavior is just tooooooooo obvious. He had an opportunity to spend the day with his sweet 2-1/2 year old son on Saturday OR spend the day with a drinking buddy at the casino. Guess which one he chose. (Ok..you guys all know the whole alcoholic behavior thing so that's not really a challenging question, is it?)

I have decided that I will not contact him. Period. And if he contacts me, I will end the contact immediately if he starts into the whole quacking routine. I called him yesterday to invite him over for dinner but before I could ask him, he started in on me with the whole "this job sucks and I'm going to have to quit it". (He just started this job a month ago.) "They don't know how to run a business and they are so unorganized....the turnover here is so high and it's no wonder.......this world just sucks......life would be better living on the streets than working here.........quack quack quack quack quack." I just listened and said nothing so he finally asked me "well what do YOU think". I replied "I think that anything is what we make of it. Gotta go. Bye." and I hung up.

Here's my question though......I'm a little stumped how to handle this.

His 27th birthday is next week. I'm torn.

A part of me wants to just let it pass with no contact. Let him feel what it would feel like to have no family......because that's where he's headed. I am in self preservation mode at this point. And to keep my peace and serenity, I may have to exclude my own child from my life. It is a very numb feeling.

A part of me wants to just send him a card in the mail (he lives within ten miles of us). It would be keeping him at a distance but not completely ignoring the fact that I gave birth to that tiny little being 27 years ago.

And a part of me wants to just do what I would normally do which is usually too much. That's the littlest part of me though.....really.

I'm trying to keep smiling here. Would somebody PLAAAALEEEEESE say something funny!

Impurrfect

(((Kindeyes))

I'm so sorry, but I gotta agree...sounds like he's heading down the wrong path.

I would send him a card...but that's just me. He will find out what's it's like to not have a family anyway.

When I was out there using, my dad would come find me (I lived 2 hours away) and take me to lunch. I really hated myself, but it meant a lot to know that he still loved me enough to keep a little contact. I know that "no contact" works, and I had plenty of that. I only saw dad every 3-4 months.

I hated myself and felt worthless. But a little part of me thought that if DAD still saw something good in me, I wasn't totally a loser.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

Kindeyes

Man Impurrfect......that really choked me up and unfortunately the tears started rolling. I love him soooooo very much and I do see lots of good in him.......but the alcoholc drowns out all that is good. I just can't take the pain of watching this anymore. It just wreaks havoc with my peace of mind. I'm feeling like it's him or me and the only one of those two people that I can control is......well.......you know.......ME.

And I have other people who need me too. Others who don't violate my sanity. Others who have given back to me and who deserve a healthy me.

I'm leaning toward the card idea.

thank you

Barbara52

I'm in a quoting sort of mood tonight. So first:

We are not born all at once, but by bits. The body first, and the spirit later; and the birth and growth of the spirit, in those who are attentive to their own inner life, are slow and exceedingly painful. Our mothers are racked with the pains of our physical birth; we ourselves suffer the longer pains of our spiritual growth.

Mary Antin, 1912

Perhaps this is another stage of your son's birth.

And now:

She was the archetypal selfless mother: living only for her children, sheltering them from the consequences of their actions -- and in the end doing them irreparable harm.

Marcia Muller

You already know this. Perhaps its time for a taste of this particular consequence?

Sorry, can't think of even a single joke at the moment. How about I make a silly face instead?

peaceteach

Awww, Amy, that is a sweet sentiment and something to remember as a parent of an addict. Thank you, and I will tuck that away for the future.

Kind Eyes, I'm at a loss to say anything funny, but I can give you a cute link to a baby utube video my niece sent me. Hang in there, sister, and maybe wait until the birthday "day" next week to decide what YOU feel like doing. Make the decision totally all about YOU, even if it is his birthday

YouTube - Charlie bit my finger - again !

Kindeyes

peaceteach
ok.....that gave me the giggles. Perhaps I need to STOP sticking my finger in "charlie's" mouth!

owww chaaalie! stop chaaalie!

Kindeyes

Barbara
Oh yes.......we can do such harm by loving them the wrong way. I'll leave it to my hp. Hopefully someday......my beautiful son will have an awakening........a spiritual aaahaaa!

And the silly face helped......thank you.

FormerDoormat

Maybe I see things differently because the outcome of Richard's drinking was fatal. Or maybe I just see things differently. I don't know. But having gone through all the loss I have over the last few years, I realize that life can turn on a dime and there's no guarantee there will be a tomorrow.

Today I have the opportunity to tell the people I love that I love them, to celebrate the day they were born, the first moment I laid eyes on them, the first moment I touched a little hand, the first time I gently kissed those tiny lips.

He may be an alcoholic and he may have relapsed but he's still your son. Today, tomorrow, and always. And you will always love him no matter what choices he makes in his life. What's wrong with letting him know that?

He's worth more to you than a card. Today is a gift. Life is precious. Children are precious. Birthdays are precious. You can choose to back away any other day, but I wouldn't ignore someone I love on their birthday. I may not get another chance to let them know how much they mean to me.

After careful thought, I decided to celebrate what ended up to be his last Thanksgiving with Richard. He was drinking again, so I knew he'd show up drunk. He was drunk and weak and barely functioning. But I had one more Thanksgiving with the man I loved not because I felt sorry for him or I felt it was the right thing to do, but because I loved him.

The photo from that day is bittersweet. He looked so old and frail. I leaned in close to him, my hair fell on his shoulder, and for a moment he wasn't an alcoholic he was just my man. And I loved him. And it showed. That day and that photo are so special to me now.

Spiritual Seeker

Can't think of anything funny... I'm so sorry that your son is still not able to stay in recovery.
FormerDoormat gave a lovely thougthful response that I agree with.
When my son was active, It was nice to share a meal and little bit of time on special occasions to keep a fragment of a relationship. Even when I can't accept behavior, even when I must detach, my motherly love is constant. I think I met my son on his b'days as much for me as for him. Every once in awhile I tried to put his addiction aside and just be with him.

However my son is 24 and you have been walking this path a few yrs. longer. If you need a break from your son, take one.

i4getsm

What a tough predicament to be in. I know you'll figure out what is best for you. I would definitely be torn. My boys are only 20 months old, so I cannot imagine what you are going through. Hang in there and do what YOU feel is right.

How do you make a Kleenex dance? You put a little boogie in it.

BBD

Kindeyes, I'm right there with you hon. My son has relapsed also and just last Friday I had had enough of the pain that I have been going through with this. I had to tell him that when he finds recovery and can stick to it he can come back into my life. Your story is mine and so many others I would think...I love my son so much and want the young man back that I know he can be. It's a tough road but I am thinking that if mom disappears for a while he may think about this family and just "maybe"" start to get healthy again. Nothing I have done in the past few years has helped him at all so I have to try this. My councelor, a NA councelor all told me I was doing the right thing....but it kills me not to talk to him. I haven;t seen my son in almost a month. I know he's alive, working and thats it.. I would send the card if I were you along with maybe a gift.(Not money)).....I'll be thinking about you. Smiles, Bonnie

Lilyflower

((((Kindeyes)))) :ghug2 Sorry to hear this is happening.

I love the sentiment in FD's post, each day may be the last time we share our love with others, he needs to know he is loved despite this. Like Impurrfet says about her Dad showing up for a lunch date, I think that while he is relapsing he will also feel depressed about himself, that he has lost his control again KWIM? It is so self destructive and he may well be ashamed of himself.

I have always told my exabf that I love him, because it is the truth, I believe I will have the feelings about him for the rest of my life. When he was actively drinking, I still loved him and it was important to me to tell him this because I knew he was filled with self loathing and I knew he thought that I hated and despised him when he was drunk. My feelings were the opposite, i actually felt more love toward him when he was drunk because I knew he was suffering from inner demons that I had no power to help him with, it cut me up inside to see him do that to himself. I had to convey that distinction to my exabf, even at the end.

I pray your son comes back to recovery soon, and i pray that you find the strength to get through the days until he does,

:praying

love and blessings to you Kindeyes,
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

NeedHappiness

Kind eyes, I have to agree with FD on this one. We all get disgusted with our A's behavior, but if something were to happen to him (God forbid) and you hadn't spent his last birthday showing him that you care, you may be hard on yourself or have regrets later in life. Remember that you can always make an early departure if it gets to be too much. Set some boundaries for yourself ahead of time and try to make the best of it.
IMHO I would go forward with his birthday as usual. Only MY opinion

Kindeyes

Ok.......breathe........and try to focus here Kindeyes (yes......I just said that to myself but I used my real name of course lol)

I have to admit total surprise that FD didn't take the hard line this time! Well, that's why I threw this dilemma out there. When it comes to my son, I don't always think straight. I think my reaction will be based upon what happens over the next few days. I am working so hard on NOT concentrating on whether or not he is drinking but entirely based upon behavior. I cannot control his drinking but I do not have to deal with bad behavior.......whether he is drinking or not. It is his behavior that has clued me in. He has taken several runs at me to give him money or buy him things. His birthday comes at a time when I would most need to shelter myself from his attacks.

I know myself well enough (and so does my DH) that I will not be able to ignore my son's birthday. But my peace of mind is being acosted by these thoughts so I'm going to go meditate a while and try to clean my brain up.

grateful2b

Kindeyes,

I'm with Barb and Amy on this one..

I think sending him a card , and not seeing him sounds like what you need to do for you right now..

Kindeyes

Well.....my son just called me. Interesting. He immediately told me that he was in a better mood now and apologized for being such a butt the other day. Good. Better behavior. He did go to his treatment center meeting last night so maybe he got some stuff cleared up in his own mind. Other alcoholics and the treatment center counselors can usually see through any of the active addiction nonsense. Maybe they set him straight. Who knows. I didn't ask.

My meditation this morning helped me get me back into my more serene state of mind.

I think I'm on the right track responding only to behavior.....not to whether or not he is drinking. He gets the loving, interested mother when his behavior is good. He gets the detached mother when his behavior stinks. Period. I think that is the crux of keeping my peace and serenity (whether he is drinking or not) so that's what I shall continue to do.

Thank you all for your support and guidance. You'll never know how much each one of you mean to me and how much you all help me stay centered.

gentle hugs

lexusgirl

I haven't been on much lately. But I wanted to stop by and say I'm thinking and praying for both you and your son.:ghug2

You're a great Mom. You're doing the right thing!

Kindeyes

And he was acting like an A$$? At 27 years old, I wouldn't reward bad behavior with a gift and a wonderful dinner. Birthday or no birthday. Punishment? Perhaps. But why on earth would I REWARD bad behavior? Why would I excuse bad behavior on ANY day of the year?

I need to make it very clear to him that I deserve to be spoken to in an appropriate manner......every single time he interfaces with me. Not just when it's convenient to him or it's his birthday. I need to be consistent with this for ME!

And I agree. He can make all of the stupid decisions he wants to. I don't control that. He can drink if he wants to....that's what alcoholics do. I don't control that. But I do control what behavior I will accept and what I will not REGARDless if he is drinking or not.....and REGARDless of what day of the year it is. I have no way to verify whether or not he is drinking. He isn't living with me and I don't have a key to his apartment. But his behavior SCREAMED relapse.

For me, every single day is a blessing. It is how we behave every day that makes a difference and tells people that we love them (and my husband will tell you that I am the huggiest-"I love you" tellingest person around). I don't save that information exclusively for birthdays and holidays.

And when we protect ourselves and think about ourselves first, it often feels like punishment to the alcoholic. It often provides them with the excuse to start using again. So what should we do? Do what we need to do for ourselves. That's what.

Whew.......Ok........I am donning my flame proof suit........go ahead.....make my day! lol

(you know I love you guys!)

i4getsm

It's funny that all this conversation has gone on while I went to lunch. I had a comment to make back on this post but didn't get to before I left. You are all discussing the exact stuff I was thinking about!

Kindeyes: I think you are doing what is best for you. Just because it's his birthday does not mean that he gets to treat you like cr#p. You definitely won't get flamed by me because we were on the same wave length on this one. I guess the comments about this being your son and it's his birthday, etc. sounded an awful lot like saying you "should" be with him. Last time I checked "should" was a dirty word around here. I tend to think your DH is right though that you wouldn't be able to let the day go by without doing something. I think you can still tell him you love him without getting sucked into his bad behavior. Hopefully he'll come around and get his act together before then. (((HUGS)))

Kindeyes

And a card that says that I love him and acknowledges his birthday sometimes is the safest way that an co-dependent (like me) can express themselves.

You are absolutely right a birthday isn't about gifts and cards.....it is about that person's birthday. My thoughts are really not about punishment and reward......my thoughts were focused squarely on ME. And I'm sooooooo proud of myself because his birthday would be a perfect excuse for ME to relapse.

I am very lucky (and in some ways....as a codie.....cursed) because my son is nearby and I do see and talk to him regularly. I am able to hug him and tell him that I love him more frequently than some. But that makes it difficult too. I don't have distance or divorce to use as a means of self-protection. He is my son. My only son. I love him unconditionally......but that still doesn't mean that I accept and ignore inappropriate actions and behavior.

The most difficult thing I have ever uttered in my life were my words at his intervention on October 31, 2006. "I love you.....but I can't continue to watch you self destruct. I cannot stand the pain--it is killing me. If necessary, I am prepared to remove you from my life....no contact. I love you and always will love you. Please accept the help that we are offering to you. If you don't or can't, I am prepared to do what I need to do for myself and for the others I love and who love me."

If I had had to follow through with my bottom line, I would have sent him a card on his birthday.

My bottom line has not moved. I still cannot watch him self destruct from any seat in the stadium. It is in the hands of my hp. My beautiful son is in the hands of his/my hp.

The most loving thing I can do for my son but most importantly, for myself, is to stand firm in my recovery......and let him lead his life.

We talk about choices in this forum a great deal. I do have choices. I don't always like the choices I have. The choices I act on may be extremely painful for me. But there are always choices.

gentle hugs