It's me again-the loser
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Posts: 2,299
It's me again-the loser
I really need to be back here, but I’m feeling like such a f*** up, insecure, scared, alone, I’m not sure I’m even welcome anymore.I have a habit of disappearing when I can’t cope and I know this has hurt some people in the past.All I can say is I’m sorry.Genuinely.I need somewhere to belong and this used to be the place.Maybe it can be again.
I clocked up some good sober time, then blew it around Christmas.It escalated, as most of you know it would but I stopped again and managed 10 weeks. I went on a holiday to America in that time and had the best time ever-sober.It was amazing to me-that I could have so much fun without drinking, hanging out with my American friends(and some of them drank-I wasn’t bothered) and in a way I felt like it was a gift from God.His way of showing me how who I am sober is still fun to be around and lovable.
I’ve been back 6 weeks now, and started to drink again about 3 weeks ago.The last time was a few days ago where I had a complete blackout and scared myself sh*tless.I have never been that bad.Ever.And I know it’ll just keep getting worse if I drink again.
I just feel like such a freaking failure.WHY would I do it-after all that time?I wasn’t having a miserable time.I was happy to be home again.I just think sometimes(and I know this sounds so trivial) I get so bored.I drink to feel better-to relieve the boredom-but all that happens is I end up feeling desperately unhappy and angry and well, here I am back in the pit, wondering if I’m going to be like this for the rest of my life.I mean, how stupid am I?To have experienced such a wonderful time sober and choose to drink again anyway?Am I just punishing myself?God-it’s such a miserable sh*tty way to live and I don’t know why I’m doing it.
Yesterday every nerve in my body was screaming for a drink.I was manic all day-I made a pizza, I baked cookies, I baked bread rolls-I spent 5 hours keeping busy to try and stop the relentless voices in my head’You’d feel so much better with a glass of wine.It’d take the edge off today-you don’t have to feel like this.Just have one bottle this time-you won’t black out then-you’ll just feel good.’
I KNOW it’s all lies.I KNOW I can’t have one glass, one bottle even.But dammit I wanted to.And I fought and fought the entire day.I didn’t give in yesterday-but only just, and now I’m here thinking-will I always be like this?Will I fall into bed every night absolutely exhausted from trying to stop the crap in my head from winning?Maybe this is how it is for me.I’m going to go crazy in order to remain sober and frankly-what’s the damn point.Being miserably sober doesn’t seem very attractive to me right now-but neither does being a slave to alcohol-which I appear to be.
I had 10 good weeks-I keep reminding myself of this.I didn’t drink and not all of that time was ‘happy’ but I somehow managed to cope.I cannot remember how though and I don’t know what’s changed but I feel like I’m worse, more vunerable than I ever was and I guess I’m just despairing of ever getting better.
Anyway.I just needed to let this out.I’ve been lurking here for weeks-but too afraid to post in case you all think-like I do-oh-here she goes again.Loser.She’ll probably just do the same thing so why bother.It’s ok if you do-I kinda expect it.I just feel so incredibly alone and need other people.I’ve cried all the way through this damn post and I don’t usually do that.I’m just such a mess really.I’ll shut up now.
Thanks for listening to me.
Jules.
I clocked up some good sober time, then blew it around Christmas.It escalated, as most of you know it would but I stopped again and managed 10 weeks. I went on a holiday to America in that time and had the best time ever-sober.It was amazing to me-that I could have so much fun without drinking, hanging out with my American friends(and some of them drank-I wasn’t bothered) and in a way I felt like it was a gift from God.His way of showing me how who I am sober is still fun to be around and lovable.
I’ve been back 6 weeks now, and started to drink again about 3 weeks ago.The last time was a few days ago where I had a complete blackout and scared myself sh*tless.I have never been that bad.Ever.And I know it’ll just keep getting worse if I drink again.
I just feel like such a freaking failure.WHY would I do it-after all that time?I wasn’t having a miserable time.I was happy to be home again.I just think sometimes(and I know this sounds so trivial) I get so bored.I drink to feel better-to relieve the boredom-but all that happens is I end up feeling desperately unhappy and angry and well, here I am back in the pit, wondering if I’m going to be like this for the rest of my life.I mean, how stupid am I?To have experienced such a wonderful time sober and choose to drink again anyway?Am I just punishing myself?God-it’s such a miserable sh*tty way to live and I don’t know why I’m doing it.
Yesterday every nerve in my body was screaming for a drink.I was manic all day-I made a pizza, I baked cookies, I baked bread rolls-I spent 5 hours keeping busy to try and stop the relentless voices in my head’You’d feel so much better with a glass of wine.It’d take the edge off today-you don’t have to feel like this.Just have one bottle this time-you won’t black out then-you’ll just feel good.’
I KNOW it’s all lies.I KNOW I can’t have one glass, one bottle even.But dammit I wanted to.And I fought and fought the entire day.I didn’t give in yesterday-but only just, and now I’m here thinking-will I always be like this?Will I fall into bed every night absolutely exhausted from trying to stop the crap in my head from winning?Maybe this is how it is for me.I’m going to go crazy in order to remain sober and frankly-what’s the damn point.Being miserably sober doesn’t seem very attractive to me right now-but neither does being a slave to alcohol-which I appear to be.
I had 10 good weeks-I keep reminding myself of this.I didn’t drink and not all of that time was ‘happy’ but I somehow managed to cope.I cannot remember how though and I don’t know what’s changed but I feel like I’m worse, more vunerable than I ever was and I guess I’m just despairing of ever getting better.
Anyway.I just needed to let this out.I’ve been lurking here for weeks-but too afraid to post in case you all think-like I do-oh-here she goes again.Loser.She’ll probably just do the same thing so why bother.It’s ok if you do-I kinda expect it.I just feel so incredibly alone and need other people.I’ve cried all the way through this damn post and I don’t usually do that.I’m just such a mess really.I’ll shut up now.
Thanks for listening to me.
Jules.
endless delerium
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: pgh, pa
Posts: 48
*hugs* all my old friends arent talking to me cause i chose my direction instead of the one they were traveling. sometimes you have to be your own best friend. love thy self sweet one, youll be ok with you someday.
peace be with you hun.
peace be with you hun.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: England
Posts: 1,981
Jules, welcome back! :ghug
10 weeks is fantastic. You can do it again taking each Day, Hour or Min at a time. We are all trying to get to the same place. You are not alone.
Try Try again and if that doesn't work TRY AGAIN!
God Bless
10 weeks is fantastic. You can do it again taking each Day, Hour or Min at a time. We are all trying to get to the same place. You are not alone.
Try Try again and if that doesn't work TRY AGAIN!
God Bless
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,526
Jules you are loved and cared about so very much. As far as I'm concerned, there's nothing you could do or say that would keep me from being in your corner. I'm betting you feel the same way about (most of) us. You have so many great qualities it's ridiculous to refer to yourself as a loser. Losers don't keep trying, they allow things to deteriorate. You've had many false starts, but you know you will kick this thing's ass one of these days.
In some recent posts we've been talking about the very thing you mention, picking up again when we know damn well where it will lead. I just said today how insane it is the way we have selective memory where drink is concerned - why remember the fun/happy times, completely ignoring the horrible, scarey, dangerous times? I was arrested with a Blood Alcohol Level of 0.32 for God's sake! I could've killed someone, could be serving life in jail for vehicular homicide - how could I even let drinking cross my mind? Yet I do! Anything else in life is so much more clear cut - don't do that which harms you! What IS our problem? I'm right there with you, totally mystified.
Jules, thanks for being open enough to share this with us. It's a true privilege to be here for you, and I know should I blow it again, you'll be there for me.
Love, Joanie
In some recent posts we've been talking about the very thing you mention, picking up again when we know damn well where it will lead. I just said today how insane it is the way we have selective memory where drink is concerned - why remember the fun/happy times, completely ignoring the horrible, scarey, dangerous times? I was arrested with a Blood Alcohol Level of 0.32 for God's sake! I could've killed someone, could be serving life in jail for vehicular homicide - how could I even let drinking cross my mind? Yet I do! Anything else in life is so much more clear cut - don't do that which harms you! What IS our problem? I'm right there with you, totally mystified.
Jules, thanks for being open enough to share this with us. It's a true privilege to be here for you, and I know should I blow it again, you'll be there for me.
Love, Joanie
Member
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Kansas City, Missouri
Posts: 48
Hey, you're not a loser in my book! Atleast you're trying! I'm on this forum not even sober yet, just to gain the will power to try! Every one has slip ups. If it was easy, alcoholism wouldn't exist! Hang in there! I know about the boredom, and not being able to sleep without it! I can't even guilt myself into quitting for the sake of my child. If you ARE a loser, I'll be the vice-president of the club!
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,373
OK can you take that loser bit out?
What I see is a woman who's trying her darndest - really trying, not just whining
and that's all we can ever be expected to do - try our utmost.
I don't know why that's not enough. It sucks to see someone try so hard and still struggle.
I don't know you haven't 'got it' yet.
maybe it is boredom - maybe it's the other stuff we all have undealt with in real life....maybe like some many of us after years of walking with a crutch you're scared to face life sober...maybe you don't like yourself so much, even now....I could churn these out all day...
I just dunno. But if you're a loser - we all are. We all know what it's like.
I know I tried for 15 years to get it - looking back now I know *exactly* why I got it when I did and not before...maybe there's a lesson to be had or, for want of a better word, a divine appointment, a reason we don't know about yet.
I believe to my very marrow you will get this - you're intelligent, strong, brave and ridiculously stubborn - pretty awesome really - for a kiwi
I'm glad you're back - I can't believe anyone would be so petty as to have issues with you ?
but if they do ? let em talk to me
you're funny, smart as hell, compassionate, and wise - we need you here.
I need you here - you make me laugh with that funny accent.....
welcome back
now - change the damn header
D
What I see is a woman who's trying her darndest - really trying, not just whining
and that's all we can ever be expected to do - try our utmost.
I don't know why that's not enough. It sucks to see someone try so hard and still struggle.
I don't know you haven't 'got it' yet.
maybe it is boredom - maybe it's the other stuff we all have undealt with in real life....maybe like some many of us after years of walking with a crutch you're scared to face life sober...maybe you don't like yourself so much, even now....I could churn these out all day...
I just dunno. But if you're a loser - we all are. We all know what it's like.
I know I tried for 15 years to get it - looking back now I know *exactly* why I got it when I did and not before...maybe there's a lesson to be had or, for want of a better word, a divine appointment, a reason we don't know about yet.
I believe to my very marrow you will get this - you're intelligent, strong, brave and ridiculously stubborn - pretty awesome really - for a kiwi
I'm glad you're back - I can't believe anyone would be so petty as to have issues with you ?
but if they do ? let em talk to me
you're funny, smart as hell, compassionate, and wise - we need you here.
I need you here - you make me laugh with that funny accent.....
welcome back
now - change the damn header
D
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: NYC - New York
Posts: 305
LOSER !?
Hey Jules you know we've all been there (or are there). You should never feel ashamed about coming here. You will always be welcome no matter what.
Think about what you would say to someone else who had slipped up. Would you be beating them down etc?
Great job on your 10 weeks; and your sober vacation - I'm proud of you
'
Hey Jules you know we've all been there (or are there). You should never feel ashamed about coming here. You will always be welcome no matter what.
Think about what you would say to someone else who had slipped up. Would you be beating them down etc?
Great job on your 10 weeks; and your sober vacation - I'm proud of you
'
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,470
Jules,
I'm glad you're back.
It's hard, it's just hard. And alcoholism is such an isolating disease. At the end of my drinking, I had given up all my activities and stopped seeing any friends. That's what alcoholism does to us. But, you have reached out here to your friends and we are here to support you.
I'm glad you're back.
It's hard, it's just hard. And alcoholism is such an isolating disease. At the end of my drinking, I had given up all my activities and stopped seeing any friends. That's what alcoholism does to us. But, you have reached out here to your friends and we are here to support you.
CindeRella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life!
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Spreading my wings
Posts: 7,163
Jules 
I agree with Dee 100% and yes remove the loser! That is something you are not
I have read your posts in the past and you encourage many in this forum!
The fact that you are here and came back and shared shows the courage and
strength that you have!
Sending you positive vibes
I agree with Dee 100% and yes remove the loser! That is something you are not
I have read your posts in the past and you encourage many in this forum!
The fact that you are here and came back and shared shows the courage and
strength that you have!
Sending you positive vibes
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Posts: 2,299
Again-thank you all-even if your words here make me cry (in a good way, though.) Tears of relief are a whole lot better than tears of despair-which is how I felt writing my post this morning.
I don't feel strong at all-but I do feel grateful, for all of you.Thank you.
With love,
Julesxox
I don't feel strong at all-but I do feel grateful, for all of you.Thank you.
With love,
Julesxox
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 1,397
((((Jules))))
Oh how I've missed my doggie loving friend!!!! I'm so incredibly glad you've come back.
I read your post and couldn't believe it. I could have written it. Every single word. And as my 17 year old daughter puts it all the time... "Straight up, and I'm not gonna lie."
Please PM me whenever you want, ok?
Oh how I've missed my doggie loving friend!!!! I'm so incredibly glad you've come back.
I read your post and couldn't believe it. I could have written it. Every single word. And as my 17 year old daughter puts it all the time... "Straight up, and I'm not gonna lie."
Please PM me whenever you want, ok?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: California
Posts: 358
"We all get knocked down it's part of the job description,. but the important part is being able to get back up on your feet". -MUHAMMAD ALI ...
You're getting back up by posting here. Keep doing that. I'll say a prayer for you tonight. rock on!
-- NM
You're getting back up by posting here. Keep doing that. I'll say a prayer for you tonight. rock on!
-- NM
everything is already ok
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Melbourne Victoria Australia
Posts: 19,789
Welcome back Jules, its not about winners and losers, its about recovery and thats where we all are regardless of how many days we have clean or wether we are using or not, so lomg as we have the desire to quit, we bleomg.
Welcome back.
Kevin
Welcome back.
Kevin
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