Question of "appropriate-ness"
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 10
Question of "appropriate-ness"
I am new here and have already gotten some great advice and words of encouragement.
I have a question about being with my partner as she tries to recover.
A little background: she is currently really trying to get serious with her recovery after kind of doing it half-way for a while now. She is an alcoholic who has ot drank in a few years, but still wants to, and suffers terribly from incredibly low self esteem, social anxiety, and jsut generally feels like a "mess" adnd "not a whole person" at the moment. It makes me SO sad to see her this way and all I want to do is hold her and help her.
She tells me she needs to not be with me right now if she is going to REALLY tackle this. I understand this (I think) and want her to do what is best for her.
My "issue" is that it is so hard to be left on the sidelines and not be there for her. But respecting her wishes, I am going to begin a "recovery" of my own - and go to some Al Anon meetings and really read up on the topic more and more.
SO........my question(s) are this:
1. Is it wrong for me to try to contact her - evne a little? I want to do it SOOOO badly, but dont want to set her back. She has said all she wants to do is the same thing but is not sure it is "right". And I dont mean be intimante, or hang out all day - but just a quick email or call to see how she is.
2. Should I - maybe after a week or two - offer to go to an AA meeting with her. I really really would like to - for both of our sakes, but am not sure this owuld not "screw her up". She is going to a lot of them and would love to show my support and let her know that I am there with her.
Thanks for any input, and forgive me if these questions seem crazy, I am just in a tough spot right now....
I have a question about being with my partner as she tries to recover.
A little background: she is currently really trying to get serious with her recovery after kind of doing it half-way for a while now. She is an alcoholic who has ot drank in a few years, but still wants to, and suffers terribly from incredibly low self esteem, social anxiety, and jsut generally feels like a "mess" adnd "not a whole person" at the moment. It makes me SO sad to see her this way and all I want to do is hold her and help her.
She tells me she needs to not be with me right now if she is going to REALLY tackle this. I understand this (I think) and want her to do what is best for her.
My "issue" is that it is so hard to be left on the sidelines and not be there for her. But respecting her wishes, I am going to begin a "recovery" of my own - and go to some Al Anon meetings and really read up on the topic more and more.
SO........my question(s) are this:
1. Is it wrong for me to try to contact her - evne a little? I want to do it SOOOO badly, but dont want to set her back. She has said all she wants to do is the same thing but is not sure it is "right". And I dont mean be intimante, or hang out all day - but just a quick email or call to see how she is.
2. Should I - maybe after a week or two - offer to go to an AA meeting with her. I really really would like to - for both of our sakes, but am not sure this owuld not "screw her up". She is going to a lot of them and would love to show my support and let her know that I am there with her.
Thanks for any input, and forgive me if these questions seem crazy, I am just in a tough spot right now....
CindeRella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life!
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Spreading my wings
Posts: 7,163
1. Is it wrong for me to try to contact her - evne a little? I want to do it SOOOO badly, but dont want to set her back. She has said all she wants to do is the same thing but is not sure it is "right". And I dont mean be intimante, or hang out all day - but just a quick email or call to see how she is.
2. Should I - maybe after a week or two - offer to go to an AA meeting with her. I really really would like to - for both of our sakes, but am not sure this owuld not "screw her up". She is going to a lot of them and would love to show my support and let her know that I am there with her.
Once I took the focus off my XABF.....I began to feel better. The trying to "control" and "fix" his problems tired me out-it drained me! I ended up with health issues and he continued on his merry way drinking and on to the next individual.
When we let others to what they need to do for themselves we stand a better chance at being able to do what is right for us!
I know this is hard to do-but it is worth it in the end for our own well being!
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
Glad you are reaching out for support - that is what has helped me alot in my own recovery along with attending f2f meetings, reading literature, posting here, etc.
My thoughts would be to turn the situation around - what if you had asked someone to give you some space, that you needed time to process something very painful and life threatening and to try to get your life back to some sort of healthy level and this person, who means well, but doesn't listen to your request - how would you feel?
Maybe you could give your SO some time, give your recovery some time and see where it takes both of you - ask your Higher Power for direction on what is best for your specific situation
these are NOT crazy questions, I know I have had the same questions about what to do for our daughter and what to do when dealing with my AH - the only to find out what you do not know is to ask questions.
Wishing you Serenity & Joy,
Rita
My thoughts would be to turn the situation around - what if you had asked someone to give you some space, that you needed time to process something very painful and life threatening and to try to get your life back to some sort of healthy level and this person, who means well, but doesn't listen to your request - how would you feel?
Maybe you could give your SO some time, give your recovery some time and see where it takes both of you - ask your Higher Power for direction on what is best for your specific situation
these are NOT crazy questions, I know I have had the same questions about what to do for our daughter and what to do when dealing with my AH - the only to find out what you do not know is to ask questions.
Wishing you Serenity & Joy,
Rita
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 10
Good points....
Good points...I guess my wanting to contact is really pretty damned selfish - it is just what I feel. I will do my best to do what is right. I guess part of this is that this is all jsut so raw right now...the really early stages. I know it wont get easy but maybe easy-er at least.
Thanks for the tips.
In only a day this forum has been a HUGE help to me!
Thanks for the tips.
In only a day this forum has been a HUGE help to me!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Steamer
My situation is a little different from yours since it is my son who is in recovery but I want to call him every single day. That is my "urge" that I need to control......just as his "urge" is to drink. I do call him periodically but I typically allow him the room to call me when he wants to.
The words that keep going around and around in my head are:
"His recovery belongs to HIM. My recovery belongs to ME."
I try to keep his recovery and my recovery independent of the other. I know that he has to own his recovery for it to work and vice versa. You are feeling the urges that are typical of someone who loves an alcoholic/drug addict. But there is a difference between being co-dependent and being supportive.
Keep coming back.
gentle hugs
My situation is a little different from yours since it is my son who is in recovery but I want to call him every single day. That is my "urge" that I need to control......just as his "urge" is to drink. I do call him periodically but I typically allow him the room to call me when he wants to.
The words that keep going around and around in my head are:
"His recovery belongs to HIM. My recovery belongs to ME."
I try to keep his recovery and my recovery independent of the other. I know that he has to own his recovery for it to work and vice versa. You are feeling the urges that are typical of someone who loves an alcoholic/drug addict. But there is a difference between being co-dependent and being supportive.
Keep coming back.
gentle hugs
Member
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: southern cal
Posts: 84
Steamer17,
Your issue has actually helped ME!
My "Special One" just entered rehab on Friday, which I had to find out about thru a mutual friend who he has been confiding in for months. I like her, she has 8+ yrs sober and is a strong influence on why he went to get help. There is no romance there, but I am frustrated and somewhat jealous (If I can be completely honest) that he asks her to come visit him in rehab and hasn't even tried to call me.
I'm absolutely heartbroken.
All I know about him is thru her (confidentially) and she knows I'm a "codie" but just trying to care about him. Unfortunately, like you said, it's our own selfishness, albeit innocent enough to feel like empathy, that we need their attention to satisfy our need to be NEEDED.
Psych 101....basic stuff, right? Then how come it's so damn gut wrenching and sends us into a tailspin because we feel useless and vulnerable like WE are sharing the disease with them. Ironically, they will come out of rehab all bright and shiny, and as a result of our Co-dependency...a.k.a. assumed unrequited love and affection, we will be exhausted, depressed and shattered, and in no position to resume a friendship, relationship or whatever with this person who actually GOT help for their issues, unlike ourselves!!! IRONIC isn't it?
I'm with you. I'm just trying....and it's soooo hard.... to recognize the patterns of codie behavior and when I start to spin, worry and come unglued, try to think that it's not about me....he is in his disease and THATS what they do. He isn't sitting in therapy or in his room thinking, "now, i really don't want to call HER...SHE won't help me...she's this and that". My friends say that when in rehab, the recovering person may most likely contact those who have shared experiences that they don't have to be "healthy" for yet...they can expose all of their fears to someone who has been there.
I would never want to compromise his recovery, like you said of your friend, so I try to put myself in his place and think, like your other responses noted about respecting her wishes.
(I haven't received that type of direction from my SO, but have been told that I should "just wait" as he has my number, and if he wants to call he will, but if he doesn't it's not about YOU, it's about how he needs to go through this....and he may need you for other things, but for this, he has to do it his own way".
I hope this helped. If not, at least you will know that you are not alone, and sometimes THAT is of significant comfort.
God Bless.
Rivka
Your issue has actually helped ME!
My "Special One" just entered rehab on Friday, which I had to find out about thru a mutual friend who he has been confiding in for months. I like her, she has 8+ yrs sober and is a strong influence on why he went to get help. There is no romance there, but I am frustrated and somewhat jealous (If I can be completely honest) that he asks her to come visit him in rehab and hasn't even tried to call me.
I'm absolutely heartbroken.
All I know about him is thru her (confidentially) and she knows I'm a "codie" but just trying to care about him. Unfortunately, like you said, it's our own selfishness, albeit innocent enough to feel like empathy, that we need their attention to satisfy our need to be NEEDED.
Psych 101....basic stuff, right? Then how come it's so damn gut wrenching and sends us into a tailspin because we feel useless and vulnerable like WE are sharing the disease with them. Ironically, they will come out of rehab all bright and shiny, and as a result of our Co-dependency...a.k.a. assumed unrequited love and affection, we will be exhausted, depressed and shattered, and in no position to resume a friendship, relationship or whatever with this person who actually GOT help for their issues, unlike ourselves!!! IRONIC isn't it?
I'm with you. I'm just trying....and it's soooo hard.... to recognize the patterns of codie behavior and when I start to spin, worry and come unglued, try to think that it's not about me....he is in his disease and THATS what they do. He isn't sitting in therapy or in his room thinking, "now, i really don't want to call HER...SHE won't help me...she's this and that". My friends say that when in rehab, the recovering person may most likely contact those who have shared experiences that they don't have to be "healthy" for yet...they can expose all of their fears to someone who has been there.
I would never want to compromise his recovery, like you said of your friend, so I try to put myself in his place and think, like your other responses noted about respecting her wishes.
(I haven't received that type of direction from my SO, but have been told that I should "just wait" as he has my number, and if he wants to call he will, but if he doesn't it's not about YOU, it's about how he needs to go through this....and he may need you for other things, but for this, he has to do it his own way".
I hope this helped. If not, at least you will know that you are not alone, and sometimes THAT is of significant comfort.
God Bless.
Rivka
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 172
Originally Posted by rivka 
Steamer17,
Your issue has actually helped ME!
My "Special One" just entered rehab on Friday, which I had to find out about thru a mutual friend who he has been confiding in for months. I like her, she has 8+ yrs sober and is a strong influence on why he went to get help. There is no romance there, but I am frustrated and somewhat jealous (If I can be completely honest) that he asks her to come visit him in rehab and hasn't even tried to call me.
I'm absolutely heartbroken.
All I know about him is thru her (confidentially) and she knows I'm a "codie" but just trying to care about him. Unfortunately, like you said, it's our own selfishness, albeit innocent enough to feel like empathy, that we need their attention to satisfy our need to be NEEDED.
Psych 101....basic stuff, right? Then how come it's so damn gut wrenching and sends us into a tailspin because we feel useless and vulnerable like WE are sharing the disease with them. Ironically, they will come out of rehab all bright and shiny, and as a result of our Co-dependency...a.k.a. assumed unrequited love and affection, we will be exhausted, depressed and shattered, and in no position to resume a friendship, relationship or whatever with this person who actually GOT help for their issues, unlike ourselves!!! IRONIC isn't it?
I'm with you. I'm just trying....and it's soooo hard.... to recognize the patterns of codie behavior and when I start to spin, worry and come unglued, try to think that it's not about me....he is in his disease and THATS what they do. He isn't sitting in therapy or in his room thinking, "now, i really don't want to call HER...SHE won't help me...she's this and that". My friends say that when in rehab, the recovering person may most likely contact those who have shared experiences that they don't have to be "healthy" for yet...they can expose all of their fears to someone who has been there.
I would never want to compromise his recovery, like you said of your friend, so I try to put myself in his place and think, like your other responses noted about respecting her wishes.
(I haven't received that type of direction from my SO, but have been told that I should "just wait" as he has my number, and if he wants to call he will, but if he doesn't it's not about YOU, it's about how he needs to go through this....and he may need you for other things, but for this, he has to do it his own way".
I hope this helped. If not, at least you will know that you are not alone, and sometimes THAT is of significant comfort.
God Bless.
Rivka
Your issue has actually helped ME!
My "Special One" just entered rehab on Friday, which I had to find out about thru a mutual friend who he has been confiding in for months. I like her, she has 8+ yrs sober and is a strong influence on why he went to get help. There is no romance there, but I am frustrated and somewhat jealous (If I can be completely honest) that he asks her to come visit him in rehab and hasn't even tried to call me.
I'm absolutely heartbroken.
All I know about him is thru her (confidentially) and she knows I'm a "codie" but just trying to care about him. Unfortunately, like you said, it's our own selfishness, albeit innocent enough to feel like empathy, that we need their attention to satisfy our need to be NEEDED.
Psych 101....basic stuff, right? Then how come it's so damn gut wrenching and sends us into a tailspin because we feel useless and vulnerable like WE are sharing the disease with them. Ironically, they will come out of rehab all bright and shiny, and as a result of our Co-dependency...a.k.a. assumed unrequited love and affection, we will be exhausted, depressed and shattered, and in no position to resume a friendship, relationship or whatever with this person who actually GOT help for their issues, unlike ourselves!!! IRONIC isn't it?
I'm with you. I'm just trying....and it's soooo hard.... to recognize the patterns of codie behavior and when I start to spin, worry and come unglued, try to think that it's not about me....he is in his disease and THATS what they do. He isn't sitting in therapy or in his room thinking, "now, i really don't want to call HER...SHE won't help me...she's this and that". My friends say that when in rehab, the recovering person may most likely contact those who have shared experiences that they don't have to be "healthy" for yet...they can expose all of their fears to someone who has been there.
I would never want to compromise his recovery, like you said of your friend, so I try to put myself in his place and think, like your other responses noted about respecting her wishes.
(I haven't received that type of direction from my SO, but have been told that I should "just wait" as he has my number, and if he wants to call he will, but if he doesn't it's not about YOU, it's about how he needs to go through this....and he may need you for other things, but for this, he has to do it his own way".
I hope this helped. If not, at least you will know that you are not alone, and sometimes THAT is of significant comfort.
God Bless.
Rivka
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