addict thinking
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addict thinking
Hey all, want some thoughts about this if any body would like to contribute. What is up with the stinking thinking? Meaning the rationlizations to use ... Does it tie into with everyday thinking? Meaning when the stinking thinking starts how does it tie into the way your addict treats and thinks? Is there a link?
My abf just thinks in a all or nothing black or white fasion. For an example he has wanted to have sex. Well I told him 3 days a go that my bedtime is at 9:30 and that he had to get into the shower. He hasnt been keeping up with personnall hygnene... Anyways last night we had this blow up because if I really wanted to have sex I would . That I wasnt being clear about what I wanted , even thow I stated above what I told him. He siad that I needed to tell him basically what to do . He wanted to finish some things out in the garden (same stuff hes been trying to finihs for the last 2 weeks) anyways , I told him that I am not going to tell him what to do as this was controlling and he is always accusing me of being controlling. I told him it was up to him but he knew what time I was going to bed and that he would have to take a shower. He didnt end up taking shower , started a fight about how I didnt care about him that I treated him like crap and he is trying blah blah blah . Then it turned around to I must be cheating . Ok whatever I just looked at him and asked him , then with who and with what time? I have an 8 month old. I work 40 hours a week take her to day care , take care of the house , I hardly go anywhere , so when do I have time? He said that I could make time. WTF? I know you cant rationlize with an addict. Wanted to throw this out so I could explore this issue of the irrational thinking a little more. What approaches have worked for you all to get the addict to stop and think for a moment about what they have siad . Why do addicts think like this? If anyone has a crystal ball that would be helpfull too.
My abf just thinks in a all or nothing black or white fasion. For an example he has wanted to have sex. Well I told him 3 days a go that my bedtime is at 9:30 and that he had to get into the shower. He hasnt been keeping up with personnall hygnene... Anyways last night we had this blow up because if I really wanted to have sex I would . That I wasnt being clear about what I wanted , even thow I stated above what I told him. He siad that I needed to tell him basically what to do . He wanted to finish some things out in the garden (same stuff hes been trying to finihs for the last 2 weeks) anyways , I told him that I am not going to tell him what to do as this was controlling and he is always accusing me of being controlling. I told him it was up to him but he knew what time I was going to bed and that he would have to take a shower. He didnt end up taking shower , started a fight about how I didnt care about him that I treated him like crap and he is trying blah blah blah . Then it turned around to I must be cheating . Ok whatever I just looked at him and asked him , then with who and with what time? I have an 8 month old. I work 40 hours a week take her to day care , take care of the house , I hardly go anywhere , so when do I have time? He said that I could make time. WTF? I know you cant rationlize with an addict. Wanted to throw this out so I could explore this issue of the irrational thinking a little more. What approaches have worked for you all to get the addict to stop and think for a moment about what they have siad . Why do addicts think like this? If anyone has a crystal ball that would be helpfull too.
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Join Date: May 2008
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last week when my AH relapsed i said to him "i am asking you the truth right now. If you can be honest with me then speak but if you are going to lie then just say nothing" it was a way out for him if he was just going to lie...
sorry cant help with the crystal ball, I'm in need of one too
sorry cant help with the crystal ball, I'm in need of one too
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The whole "not getting enough" conversation is a pretty common male/female conversation as far as I am concerned. Although if all I had to do to get sex was shower up, I'd be the cleanest guy in a 20 mile radius, and to hell with the gardening!
The accusations of cheating are way out of line.
So is this the addict thinking? I dunno, but it sure is warped thinking. As to getting his thinking straightened out, is he still using? Is he in a program?
The accusations of cheating are way out of line.
So is this the addict thinking? I dunno, but it sure is warped thinking. As to getting his thinking straightened out, is he still using? Is he in a program?
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Originally Posted by dgillz 
The whole "not getting enough" conversation is a pretty common male/female conversation as far as I am concerned. Although if all I had to do to get sex was shower up, I'd be the cleanest guy in a 20 mile radius, and to hell with the gardening!
The accusations of cheating are way out of line.
So is this the addict thinking? I dunno, but it sure is warped thinking. As to getting his thinking straightened out, is he still using? Is he in a program?
The accusations of cheating are way out of line.
So is this the addict thinking? I dunno, but it sure is warped thinking. As to getting his thinking straightened out, is he still using? Is he in a program?
I agree with what you said about not getting enough being a normal type of problem in a relatioship. This used to be the case , then everything slacked off towards the end of my pregnacy to not at all . I understood his feeling about being uncomfortable , I guess he was afraid he would poke the baby in the eye or somthing
just joking ... Any ways I respected that. Then after the pregacny of course I couldnt have for a couple of weeks like 6 weeks I think, but come on who would want to after pushing out 8 lbs. He didnt say a word or even acted like it bothered him. Then when I could he just wasnt that intertesed in it. I think some of was due to the drug abuse. Opiates...So Im wondering if he is projecting what he has done and his feeling on me. Im starting to wonder if he isnt the one who has done what he is accusing me of. But whatever .
Im pretty sure he is still using . And no he is not working a program. Lied to me about going to NA ... Guess he is not ready. I had seen in approvement out of him. But he expects everything to go back to the way it used to be. I told him I need more time to work threw all my feelings. I just counldnt go back and act like nothing was wrong or happened, his addiction ... I told him that if he where going to NA that he would understand this stuff. Even picked up one of the papers with the paragraph about familys and dealing with addiction.
Its just so hard trying to make sence out of all this.
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Originally Posted by katiedid79
What approaches have worked for you all to get the addict to stop and think for a moment about what they have siad . Why do addicts think like this?
They think like that because their brains are damaged.
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I believe my AH behaves and thinks like this for a few reasons. The first could be that if he can get me to engage in an argument with him he can justify is own behavior and actions.
I believe its hard for me to rationalize with my AH because he sees his world so much differently than I do. I cannot give suggestions, advice, or any form of constructive criticizm because his ego is too fragile and cannot hear any of this.
There could be several reasons you all have not been able to be intimate and it have nothing to do with A'ism... the insecure feelings, the blaming, the arguing over it that is just part of what A's do and what we do. They do something and we react... then they react to our reactions. For me, I am learning to practice not engaging in the whole argument thing and will be working on getting some comebacks when things get blown out of proportion to stop the maddening insane arguments that can happen over these issues and any other issues he wants to throw at me. Is it really worth the fighting is the question I must ask myself now.
Hope this helps...
Peace,
ajangels
I believe its hard for me to rationalize with my AH because he sees his world so much differently than I do. I cannot give suggestions, advice, or any form of constructive criticizm because his ego is too fragile and cannot hear any of this.
There could be several reasons you all have not been able to be intimate and it have nothing to do with A'ism... the insecure feelings, the blaming, the arguing over it that is just part of what A's do and what we do. They do something and we react... then they react to our reactions. For me, I am learning to practice not engaging in the whole argument thing and will be working on getting some comebacks when things get blown out of proportion to stop the maddening insane arguments that can happen over these issues and any other issues he wants to throw at me. Is it really worth the fighting is the question I must ask myself now.
Hope this helps...
Peace,
ajangels
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Katie,
The truth is that we can only manage two things in this world: our own thoughts, and our own actions. Any attempts to manage any part of our lives without looking at ourselves first will always meet with failure. I say this from bitter experience of being on both sides of the bad relationship. First, I was the child of parents whose outrageous responses to my needs left me feeling horribly deprived, abandoned and wounded. Then, when I turned to alcohol and drugs for relief, I became the undependable, angry, drunken boyfriend. Then, after I stopped all my drinking and alcohol use, I became the care-taker of an actively using alcoholic/addict girlfriend. Having gone through these things to learn from them who I really am and what I really want out of life has been very painful. I had to look at my part in all these behaviors to become free. I don't look to my parents, drugs, booze, or sick people for comfort any more. That has taken time, and healing actions on my part. Good luck! Be true to yourself.
John
The truth is that we can only manage two things in this world: our own thoughts, and our own actions. Any attempts to manage any part of our lives without looking at ourselves first will always meet with failure. I say this from bitter experience of being on both sides of the bad relationship. First, I was the child of parents whose outrageous responses to my needs left me feeling horribly deprived, abandoned and wounded. Then, when I turned to alcohol and drugs for relief, I became the undependable, angry, drunken boyfriend. Then, after I stopped all my drinking and alcohol use, I became the care-taker of an actively using alcoholic/addict girlfriend. Having gone through these things to learn from them who I really am and what I really want out of life has been very painful. I had to look at my part in all these behaviors to become free. I don't look to my parents, drugs, booze, or sick people for comfort any more. That has taken time, and healing actions on my part. Good luck! Be true to yourself.
John
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I told him that if he where going to NA that he would understand this stuff.
Take care and keep posting if we can help.
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Originally Posted by anvilhead
could be that's just how he operates......could be the drugs.......no way of knowing what is in anybody else's head but our own....it doesn't matter how other people think or behave....there's YOU and there's the BF.....i don't get much of a sense of "joy" from your posts.....sounds like you both want the OTHER person to change, which means nobody is being accepted exactly AS IS.....
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Originally Posted by ajangels2
I believe my AH behaves and thinks like this for a few reasons. The first could be that if he can get me to engage in an argument with him he can justify is own behavior and actions.
I believe its hard for me to rationalize with my AH because he sees his world so much differently than I do. I cannot give suggestions, advice, or any form of constructive criticizm because his ego is too fragile and cannot hear any of this.
There could be several reasons you all have not been able to be intimate and it have nothing to do with A'ism... the insecure feelings, the blaming, the arguing over it that is just part of what A's do and what we do. They do something and we react... then they react to our reactions. For me, I am learning to practice not engaging in the whole argument thing and will be working on getting some comebacks when things get blown out of proportion to stop the maddening insane arguments that can happen over these issues and any other issues he wants to throw at me. Is it really worth the fighting is the question I must ask myself now.
Hope this helps...
Peace,
ajangels
I believe its hard for me to rationalize with my AH because he sees his world so much differently than I do. I cannot give suggestions, advice, or any form of constructive criticizm because his ego is too fragile and cannot hear any of this.
There could be several reasons you all have not been able to be intimate and it have nothing to do with A'ism... the insecure feelings, the blaming, the arguing over it that is just part of what A's do and what we do. They do something and we react... then they react to our reactions. For me, I am learning to practice not engaging in the whole argument thing and will be working on getting some comebacks when things get blown out of proportion to stop the maddening insane arguments that can happen over these issues and any other issues he wants to throw at me. Is it really worth the fighting is the question I must ask myself now.
Hope this helps...
Peace,
ajangels
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Originally Posted by dgillz
You nailed it there! I agree with you he is probably using, if not he is the NA equivalent of AA's "dry drunk". Either way you cannot control him or his warped thinking, you need to work on what you can control, that is taking care of you and your baby. His recovery or lack of one is secondary.
Take care and keep posting if we can help.
Take care and keep posting if we can help.
I think what has been going on is he has been using ocationally meaning maybe 1 -2 times per week , unless he is really got me fooled. Hes done it before.He says he isnt using. But I cant control that so Im not really that worried about that. I spoke with him earlier and told him that I thought he should continue with the NA cause he is not thinking in a healthy or rationale manner. Thats just my feelings . His response is that NA is so kindergarden... He knows it all. He dosnt need NA meeting he knows what he needs to do to stop using . Basically what Im getting from him is Im not helping the situation because I have been going on with my life and I think that Im not being as codependant and that is what he wants. All this is assumtions, becasue he is not good at explaining what he means or giving me examples or details of what he is talking about or how he feels. I think he is still in denial. He siad that we could work on the steps together and he was going to read some of the books about addiciton that I bought , but in the same breath he said basically he was doing this to make me happy , doing what I wanted. He just wants to get along. Stop fighting becuase its making his depression worse. Actually we have been fighting less we only have one or 2 fights per week now versus everyday .Some of these fights he has by himself becuase I refuse to engage.Then he says I dont care about him. He has been making progress in some areas. But he is still haveing a big problem on following threw with what he says he is going to do. So that is somthing that he says he is working on. He says that if the home stuff , reading the books and working the steps dont work then he will go to a differnet NA meeting. I told him the one he is going to dosnt sound to me like he meshes with that group. From what he told me. He says they just read over the same stuff over and over ... Theres about 5 people who go. Ive talked to several recovering or addicts that say that the one in the other town is way better and more people. Even my therapist asked him some questions about the one he was going to . Sounded to me like the therapist new that group was not all that great... Anyways. I cant control if he goes . He has to want to get better for himself , I understand that. I just dont think he understands the purpose of NA . I also seeing that he is vary codependant as well. How commen is this and being an addict at the same time?
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Originally Posted by anvilhead
so what holds you in place, katie? how did the set up come be "good enough"?
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So I guess you could say we are home schooling NA. What a laugh! Wonder what the other fellow NA members think of this. In reality you should work the steps everday and as needed. But Im working my program and he needs to work his own. Im going to tell him this striaght up. But we also can bring the too together , we have a big problem with bad communication.
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Originally Posted by anvilhead
is this COMFORTABLE? or just familiar?
are you an addict too?
are you an addict too?
An addict to him , yep. An addict to a subctance no. Just working the 12 steps like you would in al anon ... Well I do smoke cigerettes. Plan to quit at the end of this summer. Going to get the new pill and try it out. I get really crazy when I dont have my smokes. Its a vary bad crutch for me.
Im not as bad as I use to be . I kept missing somthing in my life and couldnt figure out what it was. Since i came here It has opened up allot for me. That I dont need a realationship to make me feel whole and that I am in control of my own happiness and success not him. So I am learning. Him and I have just been threw so much and overcame so much togehter. I want to give him a chance , but Im figureing out what I want and how I want to be treated and if he cant do that like he used to be able to do when he had a healthy mind then I guess there is nothing there in the realtionship to salavage...
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You know thats somthing that has bothered me. With all the crap that has happened in my life if anyone has had an excuse to be a drug addict that would be me. But why him? I got with him becuase I thought I was breaking the cycle . I guees that goes to show that theres no rime or reason to why some of us choose drugs and become addicts and others dont. Just vary frustrating. Dosnt make it any easier for me to be understanding with him ,when I think about what I wrote above...
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