Book club anyone - Codependent No More
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Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 369
Book club anyone - Codependent No More
I just started reading this book and wondered if anyone wanted to discuss it. I am literally getting through the introduction at this point. All I can say is that this book is sooooo about me. Yikes. I see myself in nearly every example and characteristic. I'll read some more tomorrow and post some bits for us to discuss.
If you've read the book already and have any particularly inspirational passages you want to share, please do. I thought it might be interesting to discuss some of it since it's referenced in so many posts.
Wanna?
If you've read the book already and have any particularly inspirational passages you want to share, please do. I thought it might be interesting to discuss some of it since it's referenced in so many posts.
Wanna?
1 bite&all resistance crumbles
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: IRELAND
Posts: 2,208
I would love to discuss this! I've handed this book out to so many people LOL and today I decided (how coincedental!) that I need to read it for myself! Starting today and would love to discuss!
Cathy31
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Cathy31
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Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
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I've read it a time or 2 and it's probably the most recommended book by people on this site !
You'll see references to it throughout posts in the newcomers Forum as well as the Friends and Family Forums... after all, our problem isn't an addiction to a substance. Our problem is an unhealthy addiction to PEOPLE !
You'll see references to it throughout posts in the newcomers Forum as well as the Friends and Family Forums... after all, our problem isn't an addiction to a substance. Our problem is an unhealthy addiction to PEOPLE !
CindeRella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life!
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Spreading my wings
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"Unhealthy addiction to people"
Love this book I have read it about 3 times-it sits in my nightstand-
I absorb more reading and listening than I do discussing things-but hey that is just me!
I take a good cup of coffee and drench my mind into a book from the beginning to end!
Let us know how you like the book when you get near the middle!
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Join Date: Apr 2008
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1.) Feel compelled - almost forced-to help that person solve the problem, such as offering unwanted advice, giving rapid-fire series of suggestions, or fixing feelings.
Whenever anyone brings a problem to me, my brain immediately searches for a solution instead of just listening.
2.) Wonder why they have a tough time making decisions.
I never know what I really want. Even when buying clothes, I find myself asking my mother for her opinion and going from liking something alot to not liking something if she says that she doesn't like it.
3.) Believe other people couldn't possibly like or love them.
I have always questioned what I bring to a relationship. If I'm not helping them, why would they want to be with me?
4.) Overeat.
I definitely find comfort in food. As a former bulimic, I have major food issues. I haven't vomitted in over two years, but the desire to eat and "cleanse" is still there. Now I just gain weight...which makes me feel worse.
5.) Gradually increase their tolerance until they can tolerate and do things they never said they would.
With STBXAH, at the end, I was forgiving calls to escort agencies, continued drinking, and a DUI. I still cannot believe that I was willing to believe the lies I was told. For me infidelity was ALWAYS a deal breaker. So how in the world did I not say "enough" when I found the calls? I brushed it under the rug and said "but he didn't have sex with them...just made calls". Sheesh!
Whenever anyone brings a problem to me, my brain immediately searches for a solution instead of just listening.
2.) Wonder why they have a tough time making decisions.
I never know what I really want. Even when buying clothes, I find myself asking my mother for her opinion and going from liking something alot to not liking something if she says that she doesn't like it.
3.) Believe other people couldn't possibly like or love them.
I have always questioned what I bring to a relationship. If I'm not helping them, why would they want to be with me?
4.) Overeat.
I definitely find comfort in food. As a former bulimic, I have major food issues. I haven't vomitted in over two years, but the desire to eat and "cleanse" is still there. Now I just gain weight...which makes me feel worse.
5.) Gradually increase their tolerance until they can tolerate and do things they never said they would.
With STBXAH, at the end, I was forgiving calls to escort agencies, continued drinking, and a DUI. I still cannot believe that I was willing to believe the lies I was told. For me infidelity was ALWAYS a deal breaker. So how in the world did I not say "enough" when I found the calls? I brushed it under the rug and said "but he didn't have sex with them...just made calls". Sheesh!
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
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I'll begin by saying the first time I read the book in 1996, I kept seeing the parts that applied to my exAH and saying "Ah-ha, so THAT'S why he's that way!" Talk about a MEGA-codie!!!
I know have Beyond Codpendency and Codependent No More in a single-volume book, having worn out my original copies.
My MAIN codie traits are:
Toleration of garbage dished out by addicts that is waayyyyy beyond what a "normal" person would stomach.
Staying in dead-end, deadly, go-nowhere relationships long after the party is over.
An over-developed, abnormal sense of responsibiilty; workaholism, perfectionism, need to show others that I can work harder, put up with more, tolerate more pain .... whatever way you slice it, just plain DUMB!
Looking to people for affirmation, validation.
For one thing I am grateful: I FINALLY learned that I can give my opinion to someone else, but they don't have to take it. Fortunately, I no longer feel upset if someone doesn't want my opinion. With AH, I learned long ago to not DISCUSS with him in any way, shape, or form his addiction. Thank God!!
I know have Beyond Codpendency and Codependent No More in a single-volume book, having worn out my original copies.
My MAIN codie traits are:
Toleration of garbage dished out by addicts that is waayyyyy beyond what a "normal" person would stomach.
Staying in dead-end, deadly, go-nowhere relationships long after the party is over.
An over-developed, abnormal sense of responsibiilty; workaholism, perfectionism, need to show others that I can work harder, put up with more, tolerate more pain .... whatever way you slice it, just plain DUMB!
Looking to people for affirmation, validation.
For one thing I am grateful: I FINALLY learned that I can give my opinion to someone else, but they don't have to take it. Fortunately, I no longer feel upset if someone doesn't want my opinion. With AH, I learned long ago to not DISCUSS with him in any way, shape, or form his addiction. Thank God!!
Curled up in a good book...
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 1,542
You know Prodigal, I kept seeing my AH in it the first time I read co-dependant no more too! This time through I'm going to try and not think about him!!!
I have Beyond Codependancy but haven't read it yet - is it good?
Just read chapter 4 last night and need to go get a pencil and score myself on the lists of characteristics. Bit worried about just how many 2's there will be! When I first read the book I didn't do any of the activites at the end of the chapters - did anyone find them useful?
I have Beyond Codependancy but haven't read it yet - is it good?
Just read chapter 4 last night and need to go get a pencil and score myself on the lists of characteristics. Bit worried about just how many 2's there will be! When I first read the book I didn't do any of the activites at the end of the chapters - did anyone find them useful?
Recovering Codependant
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
I haven't read this book but for me the biggies are...
* I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or others' anger.
I cannot deal with people not liking me, I have to be approved of and feel that I am accepted. This has lead me many times to act in ways that are totally against who I am just so that I satisfy this part of myself.
* I attempt to convince others of what they "should" think and how they "truly" feel.
I sometimes act like I am the authority on everything! When I type replies here on SR, I sometimes totally delete what I say becaue I sense that happening, I guess sometimes I don't sense it and post from my soap box - sorry if I have everyone!!!
* I am frightened by angry people and any personal criticism.
This is a huge one for me. Not so much the personal critism thing, but I have a physical reaction to others anger. Even when other people are argueing and I am not involved in it, I feel huge amounts of anxiety, and if any one makes a sudden movement when in a heated debate I immediately cringe, and protect myself like they will strike out at me. This goes back so long with me, my dad would often use his size and lean over us a children when he yelled at us and I know I felt that my safety was not certain, even though he NEVER hit out at us, not once. As I grew up and he did this, I stood my ground to him and told him to hit me if he was going to because he didn't frighten me. He did hit me once or twice after that and so I think I have gone from being completely intimidated through to agressive to now being, what, timid???
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
* I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or others' anger.
I cannot deal with people not liking me, I have to be approved of and feel that I am accepted. This has lead me many times to act in ways that are totally against who I am just so that I satisfy this part of myself.
* I attempt to convince others of what they "should" think and how they "truly" feel.
I sometimes act like I am the authority on everything! When I type replies here on SR, I sometimes totally delete what I say becaue I sense that happening, I guess sometimes I don't sense it and post from my soap box - sorry if I have everyone!!!
* I am frightened by angry people and any personal criticism.
This is a huge one for me. Not so much the personal critism thing, but I have a physical reaction to others anger. Even when other people are argueing and I am not involved in it, I feel huge amounts of anxiety, and if any one makes a sudden movement when in a heated debate I immediately cringe, and protect myself like they will strike out at me. This goes back so long with me, my dad would often use his size and lean over us a children when he yelled at us and I know I felt that my safety was not certain, even though he NEVER hit out at us, not once. As I grew up and he did this, I stood my ground to him and told him to hit me if he was going to because he didn't frighten me. He did hit me once or twice after that and so I think I have gone from being completely intimidated through to agressive to now being, what, timid???
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 66
I have not read the book, but it has been constantly recommended to me, and I need to buy it. I will look for a cheap copy soon. I'm just learning, thanks to this board, that what I have is co-dependency (it might be glaring reading my post, but bear with me, I'm learning).
I know that as an ACOA, and now having loved an addict, that classifies me as a "Codie", but I need to read it in black and white.
One thing I will say, I know I have control issues, and I have learned to look out for personal boundaries. I realize it's not my job to fix others, or to change their actions, or opinions.
Also, I used to get highly upset if people didn't listen to me, my "divine guidance" (JUST JOKING FOLKS, who the heck did I think I was anyway?)
I have to bite my tongue off to just LISTEN to conversations, and not "You should/I would". I have to tell myself "Self, no one asked for your opinion. Sometimes self, people just need to vent, or to be heard, NOT FIXED. Now SHUT UP!!!".
I would like to discuss this book, when I can scrape the pennies to buy it.
I know that as an ACOA, and now having loved an addict, that classifies me as a "Codie", but I need to read it in black and white.
One thing I will say, I know I have control issues, and I have learned to look out for personal boundaries. I realize it's not my job to fix others, or to change their actions, or opinions.
Also, I used to get highly upset if people didn't listen to me, my "divine guidance" (JUST JOKING FOLKS, who the heck did I think I was anyway?)
I have to bite my tongue off to just LISTEN to conversations, and not "You should/I would". I have to tell myself "Self, no one asked for your opinion. Sometimes self, people just need to vent, or to be heard, NOT FIXED. Now SHUT UP!!!".
I would like to discuss this book, when I can scrape the pennies to buy it.
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Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 369
Wanted to bump this post for anyone who wishes to join the discussion. Should we keep this post going or start new ones as we discuss new "chapters"? Ideas?
I'd like to talk about detachment next (that was a real eye opener for me). Let me know if you want a new post started. Trying to figure out what's easiest for everyone.
I'd like to talk about detachment next (that was a real eye opener for me). Let me know if you want a new post started. Trying to figure out what's easiest for everyone.
Its_me_jen
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Salina, Ks
Posts: 8,547
Originally Posted by i4getsm 
A general opening question: What five TOP characteristics in the codependency checklist to you most identify yourself? Why?
I'll post my own list separately in a minute.
I'll post my own list separately in a minute.
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Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 478
I also have the single book of both Codependent No More and Beyond CO-D. I've never made it all the way through the book but picked it up again the other day after a particulary horrible exchange between ABF and I. That's also why I've joined this forum today. I hope to find some meaning out of all of this to help me move forward.
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