myrole

:help
I'm new here and don't even know where to start with my nightmare, so I am going to talk about my most pressing issue as of this moment, besides my spelling.

I am feeling very bitter towards my AH and the rage/anger builds more each day waiting for him to start rehab. AH is in Drug Court and has been messing up. He is sitting in the county jail waiting for who'll take him first, whining how everyone is out to get him.
Of course he has been feeding me lies for a few months now, usually my gut feeling is what catches him but this latest ordeal he completely snowboarded me.
As I research into recovery, treatment and life after treatment, I keep seeing the same thing over and over....how important the spouse is an how the spouse is to give/show positive support. After treatment when spouse is attending group meetings, don't be judgmental about spouse being able to talk with others in recovery more than you and not to be jealous of their new friends.
First off where is my support, I need to show positive encouragement and ect...Guess what this really erks me because I am the one that received the verbal lashings, the one that was at home alone for 2 months prior to the early (6weeks...go figure stress, high blood pressure) due to him being in the half way house for messing up. I have been the one taking care of our baby, alone.....Yet I AM THE ONE that needs to be positive with support.
He is going into rehab because it's court ordered, not by his choice. He says his ready an when I asked what was different this time, he hung up on me. Which in turn creates doubt about its success and all the effort I should be putting into being there.
He gets to go to a place were he'll be taken care of, talked to, showed support, given counseling.....in hopes that he's ready to find himself.
When do I get my 4wks away, someone to talk with me and help me through all my pain. HELLO, I haven't even begun to deal with my 15 yrold son being killed by his best friend (accidentally broad sided him while riding watercrafts) 2 years, 2 months and 1 day ago. That big break down everyone talks about....I don't have time or the energy to even deal with.
Oh yea, kicker of it is....... I have no-one to blame but myself for getting back evolved with my DH after 12 years, getting married and having a baby. And I know this, I take responsibility for putting myself in this position. I was leaving AH, till I hear now is show support, do intense counseling together beginning in treatment, followed up afterwards.
I don't know if I have it honestly left in me to give anymore.
That is just a section of what I call "tip of the meth-berg".

I don't even know if anyone was able to follow all that but thanks for letting me pour it out here. I've looked for a Nar-Anon group here an somehow I can't locate one in my 24 hr town.....all I can do now is laugh, otherwise I'll loose it.

solost

I know as well as anyone else here the frustration and anger you must be feeling. Unfortunately no one can offer you an easy or right answer to your situation, but being here and asking for help is a start. People here talk about baby steps, but for me the pain was so intense I couldn't even move at first. I had to learn to crawl again before I could even think about taking that first step. I lurked for days, read every post, bawled my eyes out. You name the emotion and I felt it. Words from people on a messageboard became a lifeline to my sanity in those initial days.

Having left my house for 2 weeks, I could not find an nar anon meeting anywhere in this area, but they did have al anon meetings which I just finally went to. That meeting and finding this site has given me strength when I needed it most.

There are very wise and caring people here who are all trying to find their own way as well, but just know that you are not alone in your pain any longer.

Ann

Welcome, myrole, if you're looking for support you have come to the right place, and if you can perhaps you could seek out even more support at a local Alanon, Naranon or CoDA meeting near you. Meetings saved my life, literally, and can save yours too if you are willing.

I too struggled with resentments, anger, sadness, despair, and exhaustion trying to figure out why my son was an addict and how I could save him. I avoided meetings because I felt it was HE who had the problem, not me. Then I realized how sick I was too, how I let his addiction kill the spirit in me.

Today I live a happy, fulfilling life, seeing the beauty in every day and feeling the peace in my heart...no matter how my addict is doing. I learned to give my addict to God's care and start taking care of myself. I learned that all the love in the world could not change my addict...if it could not one of us would be here.

My heart and prayers go out for you, I feel the pain in your post and the loss of your child must be unbearable.

Please know that there is hope, for him and for you. You too can have what we have, it just takes time and a lot of work but I promise you that it is worth every struggle.

Take a read around, read the "sticky posts" at the top of this forum and know that you are among friends here who understand your pain and who are walking with you all the way. That's how this program works, one codie helping another as we walk on our journey of recovery.

Hugs

cece1960

Welcome myrole...
I believe you'll find suppoort here from others who know your pain.

I'm not sure where exactly the message is coming from but always remember you do not HAVE to do anything. Thats something I learned here.

This is his to own, and his problem to find a solution for...not yours. What you can do, however, is locate the tools available and decide for yourself what you need to help you through this difficult time.

We're on our side of the street now.

When my son spent time in rehab I didn't attend the family sessions. I was simply too exhausted by it all to spend one more minute in his problem.
Was that a mistake? Maybe...but it was my choice at the time.
Geez, it was nice just to HAVE choices at that point.
Please get comfy...you've found a great place for support.
(((Hugs)))

Jewelz

(((myrole)))

First I want to say I am so sorry for the lost of your son, my prayers are with you.

Second welcome to our little place here where you will find so much support from people who understand exactly what you are feeling. You have found the right plave.. know that you are welcomed.

As for what you are "supposed to do in regards to supporting him" HA you need to find support for yourself first. To me the way I see it you need help for you where people understand your feelings and what you need out of life. If you felt that you were ready to leave but then these messages your reading are saying you need to support him, then leave. He needs to want recovery, change his life and do what needs to be done for him.... the same way you need your own recovery and what needs to be done for you.

No one here will tell you that you need to stay with him so he can have support only unless you want to be with him... and mind you that would be your choice.

You and your baby are your number one in your life, and you need your sanity, comfort, healing for that to happen.

hugs to you,

Jewelz

lightseeker

Welcome - I'm glad that you've found us. You have found a community of people that share many of your frustrations and your pain. I, too, found it a bitter pill to swallow that now I was the one to be asked to support and lift up after all that I went through. The places where I finally figured out to lift me up and support me are my HP, Alanon, recovery friends, and this forum. These are places that I learned about detachment, self-care, and letting go of the things that I can't change. All I can tell you from my experience is to keep coming back and that it works if you work it. It's not an instant cure but it is a well-worn path that we travel and there is encouragement with each step.

As a mother myself, I felt a deep devastation when I read about your son. I am so sorry for your loss and the tragedy of it. This program of recovery is place where you will find others that have experienced similar pain. There are people that post here regularly that have lost a child and I'm sure that they will be along and let you know that they care.

Your recovery and well-being are every bit as important as your AH's......there is a lot of healing that has to occur in the after math of profound active addiction. We are left skeptical and hurt - and then expected to be supportive? How does that work?!? I needed the 1st year to work on me. RAH and I put several subjects off limits and I took my resentments and anger to my sponsor and learned how to deal with them. RAH didn't have the tools to handle all of that and going to him for support was like going to the hardward store for bread. I have to remember to "shop" at the right store for what I need.

Once again, welcome - glad that you've found us. It helped me to read all of the sticky's at the top of the forum and to read Melody Beattie's books. That was a great place for me to start and I was able to learn a whole lot quickly. It really has helped me a lot to learn that I am not alone.....you are not alone either....we're here and glad to welcome you to our community!

beegee

Myrole, I think you have found a wonderful place for support for YOU. I am deeply sorry to hear the loss of your son, I know that must be very hard to deal with let alone you AH.
I have an AD waiting to go into rehab. I share some of your feelings about having to go on and carry the weight while they go off. But this is a time for you to look out for you and know you are not alone. There is so much strength and understanding here you can feel it. Do not doubt yourself, yes, all this is overwhelming and it all seems too much, but now is the time to think of you more and your recovery from him.
He will do what he wants good or bad, do not worry, you can not change what he does. I am learning WE can change what we do and need with the help of wonderful people here and meetings which I haven't been able to go to yet. BE strong for you. Prayers are with you. ((((HUGS)):ghug2:codiepolice

Jody Hepler

I hope you can find some meetings for you - you deserve support and understanding just for you. I am so sorry about your son's death - and now this addiction thing.

My sponsor has been there for me during very tough times - and my Alanon friends. I never would have made it without them.

And keep posting here - I'm fairly new, and I've found great hope and experience and support.

Love in recovery,
Jody Hepler