I did it!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 13
I did it!
I attented my first al anon meeting last night. And cried the whole way through. Did I say cry? I meant I wept uncontrollably...and used half a box of tissues during one hour. I don't like to cry. Never have and if I ever found myself with so much pent up emotion that tears were the only release, I'd only cry behind a locked bathroom door. So I was initially horrified last night and embarrassed to lose control so openly and freely in front of perfect strangers.
And then I got to a point when I realized that there was no pity or condemnation in any of the eyes that saw my pain. No one was telling me what I should or shouldn't be doing. No one was telling me what was "the right, smart thing to do". There was only acceptance. I had this picture in my mind of what the meeting would be like before I even got there. A bunch of people sitting around crying, feeling unity in their misery, but it wasn't like that at all. It wasn't a pity party I had walked into, it was a life party. And all I had to do was show up and be present in the moment of it.
I'm not sure when, but sometime during that meeting those tears that fell were not caused by my sorrow or pain, but out of the freedom I felt at being able to let go. I felt drained when I left, but lighter in spirit. I know it's baby steps. I know when I have to go back to my house on Fri it will be hard. But I'm no longer fighting to save him. I'm fighting to save myself.
And then I got to a point when I realized that there was no pity or condemnation in any of the eyes that saw my pain. No one was telling me what I should or shouldn't be doing. No one was telling me what was "the right, smart thing to do". There was only acceptance. I had this picture in my mind of what the meeting would be like before I even got there. A bunch of people sitting around crying, feeling unity in their misery, but it wasn't like that at all. It wasn't a pity party I had walked into, it was a life party. And all I had to do was show up and be present in the moment of it.
I'm not sure when, but sometime during that meeting those tears that fell were not caused by my sorrow or pain, but out of the freedom I felt at being able to let go. I felt drained when I left, but lighter in spirit. I know it's baby steps. I know when I have to go back to my house on Fri it will be hard. But I'm no longer fighting to save him. I'm fighting to save myself.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
There was only acceptance. I had this picture in my mind of what the meeting would be like before I even got there. A bunch of people sitting around crying, feeling unity in their misery, but it wasn't like that at all. It wasn't a pity party I had walked into, it was a life party. And all I had to do was show up and be present in the moment of it.
I too sobbed through my first 3 meetings, but between the sobs I listened and I knew I had come to the right place. As Moose said, it just keeps getting better and better.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
solost,
Sounds like my first Al-Anon experience too. I want to personally thank you for sharing this.....I got a little teary just reading it. With joy, for you, for the freedom you're going to find.
Hugs,
GL
Sounds like my first Al-Anon experience too. I want to personally thank you for sharing this.....I got a little teary just reading it. With joy, for you, for the freedom you're going to find.
Hugs,
GL
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: in my own world~
Posts: 1,237
Hi soloist~~I did the same thing....but its funny that crying is so excepted there....I think that maybe everyones first meeting is like that. Keep going back. The love in that room is so hard to explain but so healthy..Hugs and smiles, Bonnie
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 1,287
Originally Posted by solost 
I attented my first al anon meeting last night. And cried the whole way through. Did I say cry? I meant I wept uncontrollably...and used half a box of tissues during one hour. I don't like to cry. Never have and if I ever found myself with so much pent up emotion that tears were the only release, I'd only cry behind a locked bathroom door. So I was initially horrified last night and embarrassed to lose control so openly and freely in front of perfect strangers.
And then I got to a point when I realized that there was no pity or condemnation in any of the eyes that saw my pain. No one was telling me what I should or shouldn't be doing. No one was telling me what was "the right, smart thing to do". There was only acceptance. I had this picture in my mind of what the meeting would be like before I even got there. A bunch of people sitting around crying, feeling unity in their misery, but it wasn't like that at all. It wasn't a pity party I had walked into, it was a life party. And all I had to do was show up and be present in the moment of it.
I'm not sure when, but sometime during that meeting those tears that fell were not caused by my sorrow or pain, but out of the freedom I felt at being able to let go. I felt drained when I left, but lighter in spirit. I know it's baby steps. I know when I have to go back to my house on Fri it will be hard. But I'm no longer fighting to save him. I'm fighting to save myself.
And then I got to a point when I realized that there was no pity or condemnation in any of the eyes that saw my pain. No one was telling me what I should or shouldn't be doing. No one was telling me what was "the right, smart thing to do". There was only acceptance. I had this picture in my mind of what the meeting would be like before I even got there. A bunch of people sitting around crying, feeling unity in their misery, but it wasn't like that at all. It wasn't a pity party I had walked into, it was a life party. And all I had to do was show up and be present in the moment of it.
I'm not sure when, but sometime during that meeting those tears that fell were not caused by my sorrow or pain, but out of the freedom I felt at being able to let go. I felt drained when I left, but lighter in spirit. I know it's baby steps. I know when I have to go back to my house on Fri it will be hard. But I'm no longer fighting to save him. I'm fighting to save myself.
I'm glad you made it to a meeting. I have felt so much better since I started going (and coming to SR too). I am fighting for myself as well, and at least for now, I feel like I'm gaining ground.
Take care and keep going!
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
Let me be one of the first to jump on your bandwagon and yell... HALLELUIAH! Welcome, baby... and keep comin' back! Alanon was the best thing I ever did, and the only thing that made much of a difference. I wish you the best!
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