Steamer17

First post here...sorry in advance for the rambling....

I'll try to keep this short. My signifigant other has been kind of in and out of AA for a few years. I love her like nothing else in my life. She does not actually drink, but has severe self worth, anxiety, and acceptance issues and drinking is the only thing that helps. She has not had a drink in over a year and a half, but still is just a 'wreck' - her term, and really needs to get serious with the steps, her therapist, and start "working on herselgf" seriously.

So right now she tells me she cant be with me b/c she needs to work on herself. After 5 years this tears my heart out. Logically, I understnad what she means, but EMOTIONALLY, it kills me to not be able to help her, be ther efor her, and to be by her side. I am so so so afraid of losing her and afraid that the new her wont want/need me. I know this sounds selfish and first and foremost I want her to be well, it is just so tough.

We just had this discussion last night so I am raw, and really hurting. I want to give her her space and I know she needs it, but I also want to run over to her place and hold her for days on end.

Any tips? Any advice at all would be greatly appreciated.

Barbara52

The only advice I can offer to exlore and work on your own issues.

It may be that with time youtwo can develop a relationship. It may that with time you will no longer be insterested in a relationship. It may be that one or both of you will be hit by a bus tomorrow. My point is none of us can know what the future holds. All we can do is try to live the best life possible right now. For your SO, this seems to mean she needs to concentrate on herslef and try to find recovery more fully. A wonderful move on her part. The coming months can be a time for you to grow and change also.

Steamer17

I appreciate the reply...it just hurts so much right now.

A. I miss her
B. I am so "used" to being with her
C. I just want her to feel better so bad it hurts

I am sure I am not unique..it is just tough...

I am going to go to an Al Anon meeting Friday night - I am actually really looking forward to it...just to learn, listen and really understand

Barbara52

I know the pain you feel. I am getting divorced tomorrow. I still care very much what happens to my AH but he chooses to stay in denial of his alcoholism. It hurts to have any relationship die.

It will be tough. But you will get through this. And with luck and hard work, maybe you can have good lives, together or not.

Steamer17

Just those few words from you really mean a lot.

Best of luck to you too.

Barbara52

Thank you Steamer. Life is good.

tryingtofly

Hi steamer,
Instead of focusing on her, focus on you. (Believe me I know this is easier said than done - I'm in the process) Become the best person you can be. I would recommend the book by Melodie Beattie "Codependent No More" I'm not finished reading it yet, but so far it's been very beneficial to me and many others on here.
Good luck and there's a lot of really good advice here - keep coming back

Kindeyes

That is GREAT! Good for you! You will understand what she is going through better if you are also going through "recovery" for yourself. I might recommend a book that will also help. Melody Beattie's "Guide to the 12 steps for the co-dependent". I'm reading it now and it is helping me understand the steps.

You sound like a wonderful person. One of the things that has been mentioned numerous times in the family groups I have attended is that the success of a "relationship" is higher if both parties are seeking recovery. The alcoholic through AA and the loved ones through Alanon or something similar.

I'm sorry that you are in pain. It feels so awful to hurt that bad.

Welcome to SR. This is a wonderful place with supportive people who understand what you are going through. Some of us are where you are and others have been there and survived. Either way, we support each other. Keep coming back. Vent when you need to. Cry when you need to. Someone will respond.

gentle hugs

Rella927

Welcome to SR Steam! Glad that you found us! Sorry that you are going through this pain-I can empathize with you!

This is great news! Still today when I go to meetings-I do not always share-I actually like to listen and absorb.
It is amazing walking through that door the first time and feeling so alone...now I walk through
the doors and cannot wait to be there! I can have the worst day/week possible but when
I walk in and sit down I feel at peace! My group just like many is like my family I never had!

Al-Anon has showed me that I’m not alone and a lot of people went through even worse things
in their lives than I have but we are there not for competition but to share our ES & H.....
.....it has made my life a happier place to be!

I know that the pain you are feeling right now is immense-it will get better-put the focus on your now! It is hard when we feel so helpless and cannot help those we love however the best thing we can do for them is to help ourselves!

Keep posting! And check out the stickies at the top of the forum there is a wealth of information there!
You are not alone....we are here for you!