bluejupiter

I had posted this under relationships but was directed here - so I"ll repost:

I am dating a man who has been sober for 2+ years. He goes to meetings rarely but does have a sponsor. We only had been dating for 6 weeks when - woops - I got pregnant. We were getting along great and are both excited about the baby. But now he's changing and becoming controlling and moody and threatening me with 'Fine, I'll leave' all the time (thats in response to me standing up for myself). Hes becoming possessive also. He has few friends and never spends time with them - seems I am all he has, and he has become demanding of me and my time - I no longer feel like I'm free to do what I want. He pretty much moved in with me quickly but still has his place. He wants us to rent a house together but he has had A LOT of trouble with the law in his life - plenty of jail time, some prison time, 5 DUIs and he'll probably never have his license back. He is strong in his sobriety but I am afraid he.... I dont know??... worries about how he will take care of a family when he makes very little money and really cant contribute much. I'm the one with the (so-so) credit and excellent rental/job history. He certainly tries, he does side work whenever he can. But I am having a hard time dealing with the controlling behaviours, the manipulative threats, the silent treatments. I am not an addict - I've never had substance abuse issues. I got involved with this guy because he was just really very sweet at the beginning. He still is but it is becoming rare - hes always angry about something, very moody and tends to take things out on me through giving me the silent treatment when I don't even know what the problem is? The more he acts this way. the more he pushes me away... I want him to be involved with this baby and I do have strong feelings for him, but I simply cannot tolerate the negativeness, the moodiness and he is just so disagreeable and argumentative all the time. ANy advice is appreciated...

Thank you~

hadenoughnow

I would NOT move in with him, it sounds like he has lots of issues. I see LOTS of red flags here.

lizw

Sounds like he's a dry drunk which basically means that even though he is abstaining from drinking he still behaves in the same ways he did while drinking. All alcoholics (in my expereince) get like this from this from time to time, myself included. None of us are perfect BUT if you haven't checked out Al Anon now would be a good time - Al Anon is not just for family members/friends of drinking alcoholics.

Best Wishes

bluejupiter

Thing is - when he was drunk all the time - seems he was always in trouble with the law... I didnt know him when he drank so I can really say whether hes behaving the same, but hes not getting in trouble these days... He hasnt been to a meeting in a couple/few months and i dont think hes seen his sponsor for a while either... Hes really really difficult to talk to - if I even suggest he should go to a meeting or something he responds with 'well if you think i'm such a apin in the ass, ill just leave" or soemthing along those lines. I get that all the time - and generally at that point i just quit talking to him because its pointless to try to rationalize with him.

Hadenough - No, I'm not moving in with him. I see those red flags!! I'm a bit worried what his response will be, though I'm sure it will include "Fine, I'll leave then". aarrgghh.

kay1234

That is a tuff one...My husband and I got together a year after he was sober. I have been very lucky in the fact that I have not had to experience the drunken side of him. But, I do know that if he was to stop going to meetings, and doing his daily work that things could change very rapidly. One thing I hear over and over again is when they stop doing the work and going to meetings it is not good. I think it is very important for them to work a program, and maybe he was doing that when you met him and for some reason stopped. A dry drunk or someone who just stops without a program usually is not happy. If he is that negative, I would start by telling him how you feel...you don't need to deal with that especially when you have a baby on the way, you need to focus on you and your child. Stick around here there is a lot of really great information and people here to help you understand a little bit more on how an addict / alcoholic acts...and if he is meant to stick around he will start working his program.

laurie6781

Welcome to SR, you have found a GREAT place for ES&H to help you on this journey.

Oh pullllllllllleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesssssssssssssssssssee eeeeeeeeeeeee

That is manipulation personified!

Next time he pulls that, look him square in the eye and say "great, don't let the door hit you in the azz on your way out."

Then go on with what you are doing.

You have been giving him the response he wants and thus his 'controlling' is escalating. Change your actions and reactions to him and set him back on his butt a bit.

No, doesn't sound like he's living in recovery. You may care about this man and are now going to have a baby, but to be honest I wouldn't count on him for much. Not where he is at now. Just doesn'[t sound like recovery to me.

Oh and yes I am in recovery, continous for over 27 years now.

My first reaction on reading your post was to say RUN and as FAST AS YOU CAN.

However, being human, you will do what you want. Just be on the alert. Sounds like he is setting himself up for another binge and, of course, he will now be able to blame you. DON'T BUY INTO IT.

Sorry to sound so negative, but have run across too many like him these last 27 years.

If you really feel like staying with him for now, I would suggest you attend some Alanon meetings for YOU.

J M H O

Please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing, we do care very much.

Love and hugs,

bluejupiter

Thank you all - I really hope it works. I dont know what to think though - I'm such a mellow positive happy person - this is pretty new to me.... and I dont much like it.
I will keep in touch and would love more insight form anyone who cares to share!
Thanks so much

abcdefg

It sounds to me like he is acting out completely in his disease without drinking.

I see huge flashing red lights as well. I do not recommend moving in with him or allowing him to move in with you. Strong, clear boundaries are in order especially since he is, yes, manipulating you like crazy.

You can't change him, fix him or save him. And, truthfully, in my own experience, you can't reason with him either. His brain is not under the influence of rational thought and that's not something you caused or can control or cure.

I strongly suggest Al-anon, regardless of the decision you make next. If nothing else, you will get information about the progressive disease of alcoholism and how it affects the whole family. Whether he maintains a presence in your lives or not, he will always affect your child.

Trust your instincts -- and if you don't know what they are telling you, try not to make any major decisions until you do.

Good luck and take care of your health.

CatsPajamas

My dear sweet angel sponsor used to tell me this a LOT

"Red flags are NOT to be collected as party favors."

You have some important decisions to make about your life and the life you want for your unborn child.... a life without drama or chaos or manipulation. I had to choose at one time too - did I want my sons to learn how to treat their wives by watching how their father treated me? Was our marriage one I wanted them to aspire to?

Good luck. Take care of you and your baby too

GiveLove

Blue,

I'm sorry you find yourself in this spot.

What I see, from what you describe, is not just a dry drunk but also a potential abuser. Be very careful with your next steps. A baby will tie you to this man for life -- be sure he is a person whom you want to have access to your child.

Good luck
GL

prodigal

He was "really sweet" at the beginning of the relationship? Six weeks plus a few months into your pregnancy is a rather short beginning, isn't it?

Now you claim you don't know what to think. Why is that? He's abusive, mean, and sounds as if he's one step short of escalating to physical abuse. You're sitting on a box full of dynamite, and I wouldn't be surprised if it explodes.

All the insight in the world isn't going to make decisions for you. Only you can make decisions for your life. If you truly cannot tolerate someone who is mean-spirited, manipulative, argumentative, etc., most of the time you will LEAVE.

You can hope his behavior will improve, but that is living with "what if's." WHAT IS is what is occurring in the present. I wouldn't let an abusive, controlling man within 10 feet of me or my child. Period. If you choose to stay, just be prepared to have a plan of action in place to leave if his control becomes physical.

Spiritual Seeker

Whoa Nellie....
Don't compound one mistake with another.

Have him stay at his own place and keep separate lives.
It takes much longer time to know someone. His credit problems, anger, possessiveness,
legal issues, lifestyle etc. have great limitations.

It sounds like your personality will slowly adapt to keep him happy and feel like walking on eggs. After a few yrs. you may not recognize yourself.

Maybe not ????

Get to know this man.

Are you sure about keeping the baby or would you consider adoption?

You don't have to make any decisions immediatley. Slow down and trust your intuition on these serious matters.

bluejupiter

Well I told him tonight that I didnt want to move in together and after going back and forth for 2 hours and saying the same sh!t over and over again, he asked me again what i wanted and i said again - im just not ready to move in together... and he got all his stuff together and left. hed been threatening all night 'oh if you dont think ill walk away youre wrong' blah blah blah. So he left and as oon as he got home he called and said he wished he hadnt left so we could talk this over. I'm done talking it over. I told him im not breaking up with him, i just wont live with him and he couldnt accept that. I also said I wished hed start going to meetings again and he said 'thats not something for you to even get involved in'. I told him i couldnt help but worry he may start drinking again and he said by me saying that it pushes him in that direction. Everything i sa id in the whole conversation was wrong. not once did he agree with me or say I understand how you feel or You have a point... i wasnt screaming or crying - i was extremely calm - i guess too calm because he kept accusing me of not caring. So he left and i felt relieved. A little sad too but I really need to not see him for a couple few days. Someone asked if I'd thought about adoption -- I'm 40 -- I have no kids, I cant give this one up. I was in a verbally abusive relationship before 9 years ago - this is part of the reason I'm so not willing to put up with this crap. Been there, done that. I learned from that one and I wont let it happen again.

bookwyrm

Good for you for stranding your ground!

Just want to add that the manipulation can be more subtle that what tyou've experienced so far. I didn't start out like this in my relationship!!

AWEDA

Having a baby is really a life changing experience.
My AH was never there when my kids were babies.
Drinking was much more important.
The stress of another human being,
being totally dependent on you is overwhelming.
He doesn't sound mature enough or ready to be a father.
Things will not get better when the baby comes.
Sorry to sound so negative,but I am concerned about you and your
unborn child.

Barbara52

He's right to a point. Its is his decision alone whether to attend meetings or not. But it is you decision whether his choice to not attend meeting and actively work at recovery is acceptable behavior to you. You have the right to make decisions for yourself and you coming little one that set boundaries for behaviors and to set consequences for violation of your boundaries.


Bull hockey! He will or will not drink. What you do or do not do, what you say or do not say, will not be the reasons he chooses. You aren't that powerful. No one is.

Tally

Nothing you say can "push" him in that direction...If he want's to go in that direction HE will....You should be able to share your concerns with him without worrying he's gonna go off on a binge because he doesn't like what you say....I wouldn't be comfortable with this at all...

Sounds like drunken behaviour rather than recovery, my bf was the same when drunk, bit different now that he's sober...

You have no reason to...you have a good credit/job history...theres nothing stopping you being a single mum, better to have one stable parent that 2 looney ones..Not that you're crazy now, but if he carries on the way he is, you soon will be, lol

Maybe he's just a controlling, negative man, whether drunk or sober, you don't have to have an addiction of any kind to be negative and controlling...and often the negative and controlling behaviours don't rear their ugly head until you're settled and in "love"....

Rella927

Blue Welcome to SR!

So sorry that you are going through this-a lot of great advice shared above-

I would just like to add that putting the focus on you right now and keeping you and your unborn child safe should be the most important choice for you.

Please give Al-Anon a shot it could not hurt-and keep posting here!

The red flags and manipulation this man is doing is not something you need right now-

bluejupiter

The thing is - I have to give him credit for wanting to be part of this. taking care of me and the baby is very important to him - he wants to provide and he wants me to let him do what he can... but we don't see eye to eye... the main problem i guess is $$$ in that I make and have more than him. I can afford a nice place - he really cant so in order for him to feel he is contributing equally, he wants to rent a small inexpensive place (read: dump). I live in a really nice place now - its just too small for both of us. I can afford a nice place and I want a nice place for us and the baby. I've worked hard to get where I am and it seems now he wants me to regress to where he is... BUt he also contradicts himself left & right... We cant afford X amount, but then he likes the place I don't and its about the same amount... It just feels like a control thing - HE wants to be the one to make the decisions. And if I argue that, or call him on the contradictions, he says I'm selfish. So hes super stressed out. Ive told him that HE needs to work on his stress be it through AA, counseling, talking to his sponsor, whatever. ANd he keeps saying I need to be on the same page as him - which I take as him saying I just need to agree with him... but I dont. And he doesnt like that... and he doesnt handle all this very well. I am willing to bend, but maybe not as far as he wants me too... Maybe I'm just way too independent, but I've taken very good care of myself for a long time and I trust my instincts - they've never steered me wrong. He has spent the majority of his life making very very poor decisions.... and now hes accusing me of that.

FormerDoormat

I used to think I was very independent. But then I realized one can't be co-dependent and independent at the same time.

Many years ago, I, too, found myself pregnant and unmarried with a partner who was not good parenting material. I was smart enough to realize that, even though the timing was wrong and I'd chosen an unfit partner, having a baby under any circumstance is a blessing and I might not be fortunate enough to get another chance. I was 26 years old at the time and I never did get another chance. She is my only child.

Had I chosen to give my daughter away or not to have her at all, I would have missed the best part of my life. She's 22 years old now and she's been a joy beyond description. A precious gift in every way. I can't imagine life without her.

I was also forunate in that my partner left the moment I announced that I was pregnant and he played no part in our lives. He would have been a terrible role model and a terrible father. My daughter was fortunate to have a grandfather and my five brothers as wonderful male role models in her life.

I would think carefully about continuing a relationship with an alcoholic. What you've seen thus far is just the tip of the iceberg. What you invite into your life you also invite into your child's life.

You have the power to provide her with a peaceful, safe, and happy life. But you must make the right choices to ensure that happens.