What is the longest your addict ever dissapeared for?

Old 06-15-2008, 08:42 PM
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What is the longest your addict ever dissapeared for?

What condition did he/she come home in?

My addict husband has been gone now for six days straight. This is the longest he has ever gone and the longest he was gone before we met according to his mother.
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Old 06-15-2008, 08:55 PM
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my son was missing in action for two months. Sooooo selfish of him....sad.
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Old 06-15-2008, 08:56 PM
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OMG!! Two months!!! How did he eat? Where did he sleep? Did you file a report?
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Old 06-15-2008, 09:25 PM
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OMG!! Two months!!! How did he eat? Where did he sleep? Did you file a report?
I was MIA for a little over 3 months once. Managed to eat, when I wanted to, booze and drugs were more important. Managed to find a place to crash here and there.

Yes, my folks and husband filed a report, you see I was already past the age when the Doctors had said I would be dead.

After that episode was when my ex husband said no more, and my folks also said NO MORE. If I called, they hung up, and if I came to the door it was closed in my face. Took me another 2 1/2 years to find recovery, and the last 1 1/2 years were on the street.

So......................he is doing what addicts do. The only reason I said FILE was to CYA. Things are different now than they were back in '78 and '79 and a spouse or SO is one of the first peeps law enforcement looks at if there are suspicious circumstances.

Have you been able to find an Alanon or Naranon meeting yet and attend one?

Love and hugs,
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Old 06-15-2008, 09:55 PM
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My son was out there for about 3-4 months, but there was a six week stretch of time when we didn't know where or how he was. I did fill out a report, for medical reasons, and we were notified that he had been spotted when his friend was pulled over for a traffic violation.
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Old 06-15-2008, 10:45 PM
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My son just surfaced after being missing from us for 14 years.

I filed no report ...he was grown when he decided
on his lifestyle.

After he left our area....I moved and had no way of
contacting him. He found his sister last week.

I had prayed to know if he was dead or alive.
That has been answered. ...
I've not seen him but we have talked on the phone.
.
He is now beginning a new job hundreds of miles from me.
I pray this will be his time to find recovery.
Thats my new prayer ...

I don't know about missing spouses though.
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Old 06-15-2008, 11:12 PM
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:codiepoliceMy husband just stays out until all hours of the night or doesn't come home at all. This is been going on for 20 years. When he is home, you might as well consider him MIA
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Old 06-16-2008, 02:53 AM
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My son has been missing for 4 years. I know he is lost in his addiction. He knows we love him. When/if he gets clean, he will contact us. Even though we have moved, he knows that our family will pass on our information if he contacts them and asks.

I haven't searched for him because I know how he is (using) and finding him would just be walking back into his disease, for me. I cannot save him, but I can pray for him each day and give him to God's care.

Like Carol, I never give up hope, I just give up thinking I can change what is not mine to change.

Hugs
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Old 06-16-2008, 03:51 AM
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The longest my xabf has ever been gone for was 7 days. His mother did file a missing persons report. When he did return, it was the same as always.......he would shower and go to bed- sometimes for days. He never talked about it really (unless confronted and even then it was me talking- him barely listening). He would try to hide out until things (people being angry, upset, etc) blew over. I feel for you though. It is a horrible feeling to be the one at home waiting. Even now, my ex and I aren't together, and I still worry when he takes off on a binge. Unfortunetly, I don't have any advice for you other than to keep on with your life and working on you. Find support for yourself.
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Old 06-16-2008, 04:48 AM
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one year. I wasn't there at the time but I understand he came home whooped and bedraggled.
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Old 06-16-2008, 06:47 AM
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4 days. Once he was in jail and it was in the news paper before I knew about it. I thought he was on a crack binge. I got good at going about my life when he was MIA and so did my kids...sad.
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Old 06-16-2008, 07:49 AM
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My husband disappeared for 2yrs. Did file a report, I figured they would let me know if he passed away. Now we at least talk once a week or should say txt. We are no longer married though.

Nancy
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Old 06-16-2008, 09:04 AM
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Teenaged son was missing for 18 months - had a few years of sobriety and started again - we told him he couldn't live in our home and use, and I thought he would go back to meetings. Well, he didn't and left - didn't know if he was dead or alive. I had been in Alanon for almost 3 years. I was sad, and some days I was worried - but mostly I knew he was doing what addicts did - that it wasn't him doing it at me, that it didn't mean he didn't love me, it just meant that once he started back on drugs it became the most important thing in his life. That's the nature of drug addiction. And I learned a great lesson in "I can't control it".

I turned him over to my HP/God - because He is up all night anyway - and I went to sleep. I either had done step 3 or I hadn't. Made me put my actions where my mouth was.

And it made me really work an Alanon program - and I learned I was responsible for my own life and happiness - that I could be ok whether or not he was in my life. He had a few periods of sobriety after that - 20 years later he now has 11 months.

Good thing Alanon helped me get my act together - or I'd be in the looney bin! I never gave up hope - but I just loved him and hated the disease.

Meetings work.

Love in recovery,
Jody Hepler
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Old 06-16-2008, 09:07 AM
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My exah went missing for two days and didn't show up for work (which is out of character even for his addict mind)...apparently just a drop in the bucket in comparison to the above...well, I had a fit...filed a missing persons and everything. Thought he was dead somewhere because a dealer got to him, he od'ed,....you name it I thought it. I mentally worked out how I would manage to plan his funeral after he is found. That was enough for me.

His father ended up seeing him walking down the street by a Diner his father frequents in the mornings. He acted like we were the crazy ones for being so worried.

IMHO...No wife should have to think that way on a regular basis. No wife should have to keep their husband at arms length just so she doesn't get close enough to get hurt again. A marriage should be about two people coming together to share their life together not one person wanting to share their life and the other one running off doing G** knows what.
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Old 06-16-2008, 09:42 AM
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My exah was gone 5 days and didn't show up for work...this was the first time I found out he used drugs (DOC crack) although it had been going on for a long time when he was out of town working. He slept a lot, got sick when he ate anything for 3 or 4 days and was depressed. Also found evidence in his truck that he was with a woman. The ulitimate was that he bought this woman an outfit...charged it and I paid the bill!!

Gave him another chance long enough to get my name off credit cards, bank account, etc. and then ended it. He, at 55, immediately picked up an 18 year old crack wh*** and was on the streets for a year running up $100,000 in credit card, hot checks, and other scams. Finally ran out of money and my MIL (who is the queen of denial and was a super meddling MIL) rescued him. Have no idea where he is now and don't care...the collection agencies finally gave up on me being involved after a year or so.

Just going on with a synopsis of my story to show you what CAN happen...take care of yourself and protect yourself
Hugs,
Susie
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Old 06-16-2008, 11:09 AM
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Eighteen monthes where he moved to another state.
At this time though he is my ex.. he is my children's Father.

They do not know where he is, a phone number or the name to one single person who could or would tell them if he is alive. They do not expect to be told if/when he does die.

I do have a friend who's father "disappeared" 15 years ago.
It took them 2 years for the police to take and make an official "missing person's report."
Another 7 years for him basically to be declared, dead-

This was really for legal purposes, as her parents were married, her mother could not even sell their home with out his signature. Forget the life insurance or social security benefits.

Though it is now all legally taken care of.
She still has nightmares- that he is alive.
Daymares too.. that person at the shopping mall is her Father. The wrong number phone call or prank is actually her Father.

Or when the caller Id comes across with city or government numbers, that finally it is someone telling her, that it is truly over. They do know he is truly dead.

No real closure.

I pray that my children do not have her experience.
That of the unknown.. forever.

All because.. he didn't "feel like."
Not just him- all of those who have enabled him. That includes the using addicts and even those who are sober and in recovery. Who led him to believe that it was okay, that someday he could just call and let his kids know. The judicial system, judges, police, guardian ad lidems. The spiritual advisers who tell him he can expect.. someday. Or who tell my kids they should just be able to go on with their lives- day- week and be happy, joyous and free.

If I hear one more person tell my children that their father loves them, he is just sick..

THEY do not FEEL loved today or for a very long time in the past.
They do not FEEL cared for by him today or for a very long time in the past.
They do not FEEL cared about by him today or for a very long time
They do not FEEL important to him today or for a very long time in the past.

Why doesn't really matter to me anymore. Whether it is do to an illegal chemical that changes and changed his brain.

I am sick and tired of what seems like everyone- including the counselors, and medical professionals who treat this "disease" acting like it is okay. Justifying it..

I am sick and tired of it being compared to other medical diseases like cancer. Just because you are "sick" does not entitle you to act and treat others- the people you love and claim to love this way.

I am sorry, today I am so angry.

Yes I am angry with AA!!!
Sorry- to me things are not getting better!! They are in fact getting much worse!! There to me are far MORE suffering addicts/alcoholics and family members than there were back when Bill W. had his spiritual awakening in a very safe hospital with his wife at his side. (she could commit him, then)

No, the streets and prisons are full of people that have not recovered.
There are 1000's of John and Jane Does-unidentified remains.
Our society- country in my opinion is NOT getting better- it is far worse.
Today they do not even bother to enforce the laws that are on the books.

In some ways- my ex.. was the only honest one when he told me I was wrong- I didn't know.
It is true-
He did not go to jail or prison when they busted him with crack in his car, nor did they take the car.
They do not bust the crack houses he goes to.
They do not bust him for stealing and forging checks.
They do not bust him for not having a drivers license, insurance or license tabs or driving under suspended or revoked licenses.
He has not died, let alone gotten any of those medical conditions they told me and the kids he would get.
Frankly because we were not medicated during all of this drama, chaos, fear and stress. FELT every second of it- the effects have ravaged us healthwise.

No- being completely honest.
I have to admit- my ex told me the truth, he told me what it was really like. What I could really expect to happen. He was really "right" when he told me that my fears were ridiculous.

They were.

I know that many people here will not like to read this statement.
These are my feelings.
AA and the people who treat this "disease" do not tell the whole story. They only tell about the success stories..

I believe we have to quit being in denial!!
Instead of only talking about and telling the "success stories" we need to ALSO tell about the failures. ADMIT them.

No- to me this is no different than looking at a person who has a very serious disease like cancer of the pancreas and telling them and their families, that everything will be okay.. someday.

I am a nurse- there are times when we have to look at our patients and their families and tell them the TRUTH!!
The odds are not good- there is a very good chance they will die, they need to get their affairs in order.
If they are NOT medically compliant and follow our treatment plan- the odds are worse.
If they continue to not do so- we do not SHAME the family and tell them that they are codepentant or control freaks- for telling us, their loved one's are still smoking... not following the diet.. not taking their blood sugar or insulin. Or not calling us to simply say- "i'm scared... I think he is getting sicker."
No- there were times, we had to FIRE patients and tell them directly- they were going against medical advice. We would no longer be their medical professionals. They were NOT welcome back in our clinic.

No- there were times, we simply had to look at our patients and TELL them, things did not look good at all. That the odds were they were going to die. At the same time, we did tell them- miracles do happen. Prayers do get answered, to PRAY!!! We had seen that work before. Some people have been known to miraculously go into remission or get cured.

No to all-
We were not in denial over the diseases we treat.
We also were not so darn egocentric as to believe we had all the answers or to pretend that we were saving lives.

Good luck finding the answer to any medical disease the day the professionals responsible for treating it- those who claim to be the one's who have the answers to it.... Think 20%.. 40%.. 60% or even 90% is OKAY- Success to them, that what they are currently doing is GREAT!! Success!! The best!!!

It wasn't for me- for my son's- more importantly my ex. himself.

Sorry for the rant!!
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Old 06-16-2008, 11:34 AM
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I believe as the their addiction progresses so does the time span that they go missing. That is what happened with my daughter. Saw her 3 times in a year and went 7 and a half months during that time not seeing her and only knowing she was alive through text messages. She is now in a halfway house and trying to get better. Hugs, Marle
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Old 06-16-2008, 11:48 AM
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"It is true-
He did not go to jail or prison when they busted him with crack in his car, nor did they take the car.
They do not bust the crack houses he goes to.
They do not bust him for stealing and forging checks.
They do not bust him for not having a drivers license, insurance or license tabs or driving under suspended or revoked licenses.
He has not died, let alone gotten any of those medical conditions they told me and the kids he would get.
Frankly because we were not medicated during all of this drama, chaos, fear and stress. FELT every second of it- the effects have ravaged us healthwise."

All this is true in my case also. They did have my exah in jail at one time after a motel bust (of course I got the "bail me out" call...not in this lifetime!) but let him go. My PI neighbor said he probably rolled over the dealer. No wonder things are getting so much worse and our credit card rates are sky high. All I can say is thank God I'm out of it...I didn't realize how stressed out I was living.
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Old 06-16-2008, 10:46 PM
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To all,
I am sorry for the above rant-
Embarrassed. Just about died when I saw it had posted.

Sometimes I start to reply and it's 30 minutes later and way off topic, goes on and on, in all different directions. I delete! Today I thought I had done the same. I'm obviously not in a "good place," not embarrassed about that, but after being in the program as long as I have, I do USUALLY try to take that deep breath and at least, communicate my feelings with less anger and judgement, more kindness. I know EVERYONE, from myself to any professional, addict, recovering one, etc., wishes and wants the best for everyone.
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Old 06-17-2008, 03:19 AM
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My 19 y/o AD was missing 4 months without hearing anything. can't even imagine years that some of the moms have been thru. the longer it lasts, the crazier i get.
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