a time 2 stop
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Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 53
a time 2 stop
i just want to say after the other night i hope i can stop for good, the other night finished with my best friend pulling me out of a lake that i stumbled drunkenly into which i dont remember or could even tell you what i might have been trying to do. I was fully clothed with steel toed boots on face down in the water. if he would of found me a few minutes later i probally would be dead.
i come from a long line of drug abusers and alcoholics on both sides of my family and many of them have died as a result of their addictions or are still addicted. ive tried to stop so many times but i could never manage to last even a week... pathetic. even after that night i almost drowned when i woke up i finished what was left of my whisky beside where i was sleeping (on the floor) and continued to drink for the rest of the day and i just finished another drink before i started writing this.
i used to be able to controll my drinking but apparently i cant anymore, i dont like myself when i drink, i blackout almost everytime i drink now. ill drink everything in sight, i dont even know how much i can drink because ive never not been able to finish any amount i started drinking. if i throw up from drinking the 1st thing i do afterwards in pour another glass of the crap.
i dont get drunk all day, only very rarely but thats even gettin more frequent. im not an angry drunk, or rude or anything like that, im always very pleasent... untill i blackout and ill tell you im scared of myself when i blackout. i dont even no what im capable of doing when i blackout. i get violent and unpredictable, and a huge danger to myself and i can tell you ive done things that have made my own headspin when i finally do hear what i did the next day.
i just dont know if i can stop. even after i almost ******* died when i was too stupid and drunk to get my face out of the water i still drank again when woke up. i no im running out of chances and im scared of what i might be capable of doing.
i come from a long line of drug abusers and alcoholics on both sides of my family and many of them have died as a result of their addictions or are still addicted. ive tried to stop so many times but i could never manage to last even a week... pathetic. even after that night i almost drowned when i woke up i finished what was left of my whisky beside where i was sleeping (on the floor) and continued to drink for the rest of the day and i just finished another drink before i started writing this.
i used to be able to controll my drinking but apparently i cant anymore, i dont like myself when i drink, i blackout almost everytime i drink now. ill drink everything in sight, i dont even know how much i can drink because ive never not been able to finish any amount i started drinking. if i throw up from drinking the 1st thing i do afterwards in pour another glass of the crap.
i dont get drunk all day, only very rarely but thats even gettin more frequent. im not an angry drunk, or rude or anything like that, im always very pleasent... untill i blackout and ill tell you im scared of myself when i blackout. i dont even no what im capable of doing when i blackout. i get violent and unpredictable, and a huge danger to myself and i can tell you ive done things that have made my own headspin when i finally do hear what i did the next day.
i just dont know if i can stop. even after i almost ******* died when i was too stupid and drunk to get my face out of the water i still drank again when woke up. i no im running out of chances and im scared of what i might be capable of doing.
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Join Date: Dec 2003
Posts: 12,136
Hi and welcome,
Alcoholism is disease, and it's genetic. You come by it naturally, so don't think you're pathetic because you can't control your drinking anymore. Many of us got to that point, that's why we are here.
I'm glad you joined us and posted - what's next?
Alcoholism is disease, and it's genetic. You come by it naturally, so don't think you're pathetic because you can't control your drinking anymore. Many of us got to that point, that's why we are here.
I'm glad you joined us and posted - what's next?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 53
ty for the posts.
iunno... whats next. i probally shud stop all together but i realize that i only get like that when i drink hard alcohol and way too much of it. im goin to try and cut back to jus beer and no more than an 8 pack when i go out drinking and no drinking alone. if i cant controll it after that then i guess its gonna be cold turkey, but no more whisky for me even thats for dam sure!!!
i just find the whole thing strange tho because i never used to get like that, but then again i used to smoke pot everyday and hardly drank at all, but when i stopped smoking up all the time thats when i started drinking heavily. so i guess i just swapped one problem for another. lol mabye i shud start smoking up again instead.... haha j/k. sure was a much less destructive drug tho.
and yea i guess that was my rock bottom because when i think back i knew i was headed for a rough road ahead of me a long time ago but didnt want to admit it unfortunatly. i just dont want to be scared of something i might do and i dont want anyone else to anymore either.
iunno... whats next. i probally shud stop all together but i realize that i only get like that when i drink hard alcohol and way too much of it. im goin to try and cut back to jus beer and no more than an 8 pack when i go out drinking and no drinking alone. if i cant controll it after that then i guess its gonna be cold turkey, but no more whisky for me even thats for dam sure!!!
i just find the whole thing strange tho because i never used to get like that, but then again i used to smoke pot everyday and hardly drank at all, but when i stopped smoking up all the time thats when i started drinking heavily. so i guess i just swapped one problem for another. lol mabye i shud start smoking up again instead.... haha j/k. sure was a much less destructive drug tho.
and yea i guess that was my rock bottom because when i think back i knew i was headed for a rough road ahead of me a long time ago but didnt want to admit it unfortunatly. i just dont want to be scared of something i might do and i dont want anyone else to anymore either.
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Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Southern Oregon
Posts: 86
this is my wifes page and the first story i read. I've been to over a hundred aa meetings looking for something i dont know what just staying sober. I've never done anything like this but then again I've never read my story before. You are me at 28 concern for me was never enough the fear of hurting someone else in my stupidity always tore me up.Thankfully I'm the only idiot I ever physically hurt. I got on here to tell you it's possible to live again to do the things you used to do before. You know before it mattered if there was alcohol there or if you could get enough in to have fun.
I've always been my problems aren't yours and yours aren't mine (it's not my dog). You can do this and nobody's going to do it for you trust me. It's going to suck for a while but it gets better. Never let your guard down your addiction will always be waiting patiently. Six and a half years later I would have never dreamed my life could be so good.
GOOD LUCK THE PAIN IS WORTH IT!
I've always been my problems aren't yours and yours aren't mine (it's not my dog). You can do this and nobody's going to do it for you trust me. It's going to suck for a while but it gets better. Never let your guard down your addiction will always be waiting patiently. Six and a half years later I would have never dreamed my life could be so good.
GOOD LUCK THE PAIN IS WORTH IT!
CindeRella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life!
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Spreading my wings
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Glad you have found SR! And grateful your friend was there for you! We are here for you
now too...you have come to a great place!
This is a horrible disease but please know that there is a lot of support out there
today. AA or whatever you decide will be right for you-Please keep posting and know
that SR door is open 24 hours a day-
Thank you for sharing with us-
now too...you have come to a great place!
This is a horrible disease but please know that there is a lot of support out there
today. AA or whatever you decide will be right for you-Please keep posting and know
that SR door is open 24 hours a day-
Thank you for sharing with us-
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Originally Posted by inoishudbdead 
i
i used to be able to controll my drinking but apparently i cant anymore, i dont like myself when i drink, i blackout almost everytime i drink now. ill drink everything in sight, i dont even know how much i can drink because ive never not been able to finish any amount i started drinking.
i used to be able to controll my drinking but apparently i cant anymore, i dont like myself when i drink, i blackout almost everytime i drink now. ill drink everything in sight, i dont even know how much i can drink because ive never not been able to finish any amount i started drinking.
The way I look at it: hey, it was fun to play with alcohol for a long time, but just like the playgrounds & sandboxes I played in as a kid, it is time to move on.
I'm glad you lived through it, time to move on.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 53
wow... did i ever **** things up. i think im self destructing. i actually did well with my drinking almost all summer, i thought i had it beat that i could handel it again. i had a great job, bought a new car, had a sweet girlfriend that i was friends with for about a year before we started seeing eachother, actually began to have an actual relationship with my father (we lived together while working away) that i never had because he always works away and because his drinking used to take priority over our family, and i had also managed to fix the relationship with myself and my mother.
i started smoking pot again which cut down on my drinking but recently ive been just doing both and usually at the same time. i have also have started smoking because ive been really stressed out lately from issues not related to my drinking, which have also made me drink much more than i normally would.
i feel like im back to where i started when i first came here, except now i have problems because of my drinking on top of which problems i already had. i just wish i could escape it all... everything just seems so ****** up now and i know i should stop drinking but what good is it?? i dont even think i can ever fix what has been done.
i lost a good friend of mine, my girlfriend and just royally ****** way too many things over while trying to escape my problems. i need a way to let go of all this stuff but i dont know how. i just no that i cannot fix what i have done since this world isnt very forgiving.
i started smoking pot again which cut down on my drinking but recently ive been just doing both and usually at the same time. i have also have started smoking because ive been really stressed out lately from issues not related to my drinking, which have also made me drink much more than i normally would.
i feel like im back to where i started when i first came here, except now i have problems because of my drinking on top of which problems i already had. i just wish i could escape it all... everything just seems so ****** up now and i know i should stop drinking but what good is it?? i dont even think i can ever fix what has been done.
i lost a good friend of mine, my girlfriend and just royally ****** way too many things over while trying to escape my problems. i need a way to let go of all this stuff but i dont know how. i just no that i cannot fix what i have done since this world isnt very forgiving.
Last edited by inoishudbdead; 09-05-2008 at 07:56 AM.
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Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 53
sometimes i think i do self-destructive things on purpose so after everything goes to crap its like... "wow, im still here, i made it, still breathing. i feel depressed and down but at least i feel something."
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