Abundance

Will be coming home in 2 weeks!

I'm looking for advice in regards to how do I make a plan in the way of my own boundaries? There are great poems and lyrics for letting the addict fall..... now that he has fallen and is going through many "ah ha" stages.... how do I continue to follow the insightful path in enabling him in recovery .... vs... no longer enabling. I've worked so hard since December to NOT enable........ now do I and if so.... how do I enable the recovery side?

Also..... how do I friggin' stop obsessing about his recovery while also doing my own, without feeling like I'm giving him support......... it's like I feel caught in the middle between the two!

peaceteach

Acceptance. Powerlessness. Turning it over to your and his HP. Daily focus rather than worrying about what will or won't happen. Serenity if fleeting if you have too big of expectations. Just try to focus on the little joys you are experiencing in daily life. Good luck, sweetie. You are allowed to be happy, just for today, no matter where he is or how he is doing

greeteachday

I found early recovery to be tough, because I was in early recovery too! It is so easy to snoop and ask lots of questions (did you go to a meeting? Why aren't you at a meeting? How was your meeting? Where are you going? Why?...etc.) because I think we want to be able to make sure they "do it right." What helped me most other than coming here and going to lots of meetings, using the phone list, daily readings, was to turn it over to my HP and also think about how I would feel if my loved one was doing to me what i was doing. I know I would hate it...I know it would have the exact opposite effect as what I was trying to achieve.
I did ask certain things..If you are not going to be home when you said, please call. Honor reasonable requests, etc. I was honest and said that I was nervous; I was still trying to rebuild trust and I would struggle not to feel like a basket case if there wasn't open communication. I found that since my daughter was clean at the time, she understood that perspective, and she did honor my requests. She did tell me when she felt I "needed a meeting" too, lol.

One other thing that it really important is to try to live in the day and enjoy the time as it is. Prayers for both of you.

Abundance

I am so nervous!

I don't want to control him, and I can say that from the get go .... I have not. I have always gone under the assumption or actually ... more like reality that all dark will come to light. However, now he is living with me..... and it was in the first week that we were living together that it all came out ...... where the dark did come to light.... hence the intervention. There is a story and it's quite long...I'm going to write about it later... to help others if they are thinking of doing an intervention.

So... my concerns are what boundaries I set should he relapse or the addict behavior comes out....... for example the secrecy, lies....etc. The depression and sleepiness I can understand because of the PAWS. But secrecy and lying is more of a character trait that I believe comes from the drug abuse.

I have 2 boys from a prior marriage and they are 8 and 9... and they are my main concern.... I don't want their world being confused about the internal vs the external... knowing, but not knowing for sure what it is that is wrong.... I want them to be protected. Not to mention the worry of CPS....

In saying that.... what happens if he relapses? What is my boundary? Do I have this figured out before I pick him up from rehab or do I see how things go... and if/when it does happen ... do I take some time to think about it? I am really concerned about throwing out an ultimatum that I'm not going to follow through with.

We have drunk together socially; however, drinking is not something i have to do... it's purely social. Same with the mary jane... and I noticed that I smoked more when I was trying to deal with the 'elephant in the room' while he was denying that he was high or wding... and so I can honestly say I would just smoke to keep myself in the denial so I would feel less crazy. What a crazy cycle THAT IS!!!!! Anywho, I will not smoke in front of him or even drink in front of him... that is not even an issue. Although, he is telling me that I don't need to... fair enough... I can see his point... but it's what my comfort level is... and it's not something I would want to do alone anyway...

We are BOTH in recovery.... the roller coaster has stopped..... and I just get this wild feeling ... there will be another roller coaster, but now a different amusement park!

He was telling the family counselor yesterday that he doesn't see why pot and alcohol would be a problem, because he has not had a problem with either of them for the last couple of years..... and the counselor snapped back saying of course not..... they weren't his DOC... opiates. So, he is looking at a life of complete sobriety from everything.

He also had asked me before coming to the place to bring klonopin and ritalin with me so he can be awake during the day and sleep at night. I was not pleased and we talked about it when we got there, he truly did not see why it was a problem considering he has an RX for the rit. But as the counselor pointed out.... these scripts were written on false diagnosis.. the doc doesn't know he has an opiate addiction. He is going to have to let that doc know before leaving rehab that he is an opie addict. The counselor also told me that me not bringing them and coming clean about it in the family meeting was a good step in my codie recovery! I wasn't sure if it was that or more so being a tattle tail... but I'm just following the rules cause just as his program for himself hasn't worked... i guess neither has mine. So i'm moldable with this. I just want to know what I can do!!!!!! He is being given the tools.... I want to know what mine are!

Living day to day... I think is going to be the reality even if I don't plan it to be! But knowing that today is all we have... and actually being forced into it.... is wonderful wisdom to be following. That is words of advice for everyone! Learned that one in yoga! How cool for it to actually be a tool!!!!

ZombieWife

Keep the lines of communication open. Be open to talking, BUT there is a line. You aren't his sponsor or his therapist, but you can be there to listen and such.

For my RAH and I, it was a slow process. We felt like we had to fall in love all over again, in a sense, and we have. Just because he's in recovery doesn't mean you're on the same page, so keep getting all the help you can.

This is so exciting! Awesome indeed.

WOO!

Abundance

Thank you Z W..... it has been quite the life of love, life, and addiction this past year.... and just as we have learned.... it does progress... it only gets worse. It's been really helpful being on this board since December.... I feel like I have learned so much and it has provided me much knowledge and strength to even be at this place I am right now.

Because I know that relapse is most likely going to happen rather than not... I want to know what I do in that event. Because of how things have been in the past... he has lied about it every single time. And what led him to rehab is not that he did it, but that he "got caught".... which we can actually not have such a heavy heart about now.... but it was he who said he would - go to rehab- if he ever used again..... which obviously meant.... getting caught. And this was 6 months ago, that I lovingly detached and then he quit cold turkey. I don't know the real truths over the last 6 months, but I do know that the majority of my suspicions are dead on with him using. We have decided that when I'm ready to ask, he will tell. Or since he is going to voice record his story.... we can listen to it together. (his idea).

When I mean we are both in recovery... I mean that I too am in recovery with codependence..... he is also co-dependent.... but not on as large of a scale as I am. For example, he wouldn't post on a message board about "my" problems...... but he does look after me and is doting and caring. What he is hoping that while in there... that he does find out that he is quitting for himself and not me and our relationship... I am seeing that start to unfold actually, at least that is what is being drilled into him daily. Some people have shared stories of being successful of staying in recovery with the idea of doing it for a relationship/spouse ... oh man ... I sure hope so.

My support are his parents.... going to attend a narnon/alanon meeting this week and get a counselor and keep coming here. His parents are also going to meetings and getting their own support back east. His mom and I talk about what we are doing for ourselves through all of this..... etc. I'm doing HOT yoga! And of course the day to day grind, although not so well... and that is something I am battling with. It's like I just want to set my own boundaries and what I need to be doing for myself, while still carrying him close to my heart. And then what boundaries when he is home.

I'm sorry you guys I'm so long winded, I have so much to get out and questions to ask.

hope213

say a prayer & turn your son over to his H.P. everyday,that is how i get thru it. work your pragram & take care of you. there is always hope for our sons but never any promise. take it one day at a time. i hope this is "the time" for your son. prayers going up for both of you.

laurie6781

You know, all these "what ifs" are driving you crazy.

It sounds to me like YOU are not ready to have him return home YET. You can tell him that and make it one of your boundaries, and suggest a Sober Living house where he can continue to work on HIS program and grow. Of course, those homes require that he get a job and pay rent, and stay sober and clean.

Maybe more separation is needed for both of you.

I know, for me, when I was first sober and clean, at 30 days my head was still MUSH and I didn't make much sense. I was so grateful to be in a Sober Recovery Home for alcoholic women. Kept me focused on ME and what I needed to do for ME.

That would also allow you and your boys to get a little better 'footing' in recovery. How are your children handling this? How much of his addiction have they seen? Are they in counseling?

Right now you need to focus on and take care of YOU and YOUR children. Let his ACTIONS not his WORDS be your guide.

He still has great DENIAL and the best thing you can do for YOU is to keep working on you.

Your counselor and your Alanon and/or Naranon Sponsor can help you figure out what the important boundaries are for NOW for YOU and YOUR CHILDREN.

J M H O

Please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing, we do care very much.

Love and hugs,

Ladybugg

Abundance,

You said so much but just a few things that I read stuck in my head.

If he stays clean for a day or a week or a year or forever....that has nothing to do with you. There is nothing you can do about it one way or another. I would just keep being yourself and taking care of yourself. Relax. If you truly believe yoiu are powerless then there is less that you can get crazy over.

As far as the ultamatium that if he uses....

There is no need to throw that out there.
I suggest you proctect yourself with things like your bank account and your car.
If there are things that make you uncomfortable then you handle them. Let him earn your trust back and remember that if he doesn't there is not much you can do about it.
I think most of us here realize that living with someone in active addiction is almost impossible, especially after we get some kind of recovery under our belts. Or after they have been away for a bit and we realize how much thier addiction affected our lives in a negative way. IMO, there is no reason to say that "if you use it is over" because that is not going to stop him. Just try and be sure that you are prepared and can take the steps to protect yourself and your kids. IMO, the main part of boundries are being able to stick to them.

The part about smoking and drinking.
I have known people(well two people) who can drink or smoke, and as far as i know have never returned to thier DOC. However, that is not a likely senario.
My exah would try that and within a week or two he was back where he was before, even worse.
Good luck to you, Big Hugs

Abundance

Laurie..... yes ... I suppose they are "what ifs".... and they are driving me crazy..... I suppose that is the "control" part ... it's not him I'm wanting to control.. it's the "what ifs"...... I hadn't even looked at it that way. Thanks for putting that into perspective!
As for the SLE, he is going to be going to straight into outpatient when he gets home..... but the SLE is always an option. See how things go???

The boys have no clue what is going on. In fact all of my friends and family here don't know what is going on. I told them all that he is back east working a contract job with his bro... when and if he feels comfortable later... he is going to tell them the truth... or at least that he had a problem and sought help. The boys have been pretty sheltered by it, I kept them separate from "us".... they have just always thought of him as my best friend. However, they would always ask me to date him and such. About 2 months ago, he took me back east and this was him showing me that he is clean and I believed him that he was... I will actually be very surprised if he wasn't... unless he was maintaining with methadone... I will find out those truths in the next couple of weeks. But anyway... I came back from that trip telling the boys that he had asked me to be his girl friend and they were ecstatic! Now, when he moved in... everything was fine until he started having WD's... and denying what they were... thinking it was other things... (lies... but lies he truly believed)... and my youngest made a comment about not seeing him for a few days (because he was in bed the whole time).... and that really struck him. Unfortunately, his reflex was that he *needs* the opies to get back up on his feet..... not that the opies are what got him to the place he was...... so YES..... total denial. But he is getting it now... it's like a re-programming of his brain. After my youngest said that ... the next day he was out getting some stuff and came home high... 2 days later was the intervention. However, the night before the intervention, he wrote up his own plan to kick it himself, and he was going to do the naltrexone to help him...... but everyone was coming the next morning from out of town to intervene. He shared his plan with everyone .... and it was like... no... go to rehab. And a lot of the reason why I supported rehab is because I didn't want the boys to be around a full on detox and the pain of it all, having their external/internal worlds colliding. When he first got there ...he thought it was a waste... didn't need to be there... but the longer he is in there, he is realizing that it is more than he thought it was..... if that makes sense? The sleeping tiger is what freaks him out the most. Anyway, so the kids don't know anything.

I agree that these boundaries are just for me and the kids... that is what I'm asking about. His boundaries are for him to own! I'm going to attend the alanon/naranon meetings and I can't get counseling via my insurance . But I will get a discharge procedure for ME from the rehab facility.

Ladybugg....... thanks! As far as protecting finances ... etc. ... wouldn't that be in any case? Considering the situation, I have been very fortunate, he has only ever added to me financially and not taken from me. He has also never stolen for me. I have never given him money. And with our living together, he has asked me to be in charge of the budget and banking, which is great with me.

I realize I can't stop him... but I can stop myself from going through the insanity of being with someone in active addiction..... which is where I draw my own boundary. I guess, just taking it day by day is the answer and paying attention to what I am doing while being supportive of him.

Something he says... and I don't know if it's denial or what... but he just wants to move on... and not make this the end all of our lives.... recovery defining him..... codie recovery defining me.... etc. I can understand his point, but imo, it needs to be a priority especially in the early stage.

Thanks you guys for replying.... it helps so much coming here.

Chino

This is the boundaries worksheet they gave us at my RAD's rehab and hope it gives you a good place to start:

If you _________, I will confront the behavior and share my feelings.

If you continue _________, I will ________ to take care of myself.

Abundance

Hmmm...

Chino

I think you got the hang of it

Abundance

Okay....... another couple of questions......

I went to use his back pack the other day, and I found a lot of paraphernalia ... do I discard of it myself or leave it for him to do? Also, a cell phone that he was using that was a pay as you go kind.... just for the "connects"...... do I wait for him to go through his stuff and discard ........ or do it for him?

Should I make his psych appts and counseling appts before he gets out.... or again.... let him do it when he is out..... even though that means the appointments will be further down the road by waiting. (*Psych because he is taking prozac ... but got the script from a GP 6 months ago, without knowing all the truths, and that GP is 100 miles away from where we live)

hello-kitty

I hope you choose to throw the drug paraphenalia OUT!

Others may not agree but it's your house. Throw it out. And draw a boundary about what is appropriate to have in your house. Plus it's not good to hang on to that stuff anyway. It's a trigger. Then if he wants to relapse, at least he won't have easy access to paraphenalia.

Oh I can think of a million good reasons to get drug paraphenalia out of the house, and no good reasons to keep it.

But making his psych appts etc?? Enabling is doing for others what they should be doing for themselves. Is he a boyfriend or an adolescent child?

Abundance

Just talked with him..... and he asked that I do throw it out. As for the cell phone, he asked to hold onto it... because it is worth money...... sell in on craigs list or something I guess? He has a couple of other phones and all the numbers of the connects.... so what is the point with tossing that one too. Bottom line... if he is going to go back to it... he's going to go back to it. I have no control over that.

As for the counseling appointments..... I guess I'm just looking at it as if he were getting home from the hospital ... but it is different.

Jody Hepler

Give yourself a hug - you are asking questions, asking for help in this new situation.
I threw out anything that had to do with using - part of it was that I was just plain angry and it made me feel good - part of it was that it would be a trigger for him - and part, a big part, was I had other kids at home and didn't want the stuff around.
I like the advice about not doing for him what he can do for himself. About the appointments. Mind your own business was good advice for me and really hurt my feelings - and very tough to follow.
One of the things I use to this day - when I have to make a decision about family stuff and there is no one around, like my sponsor, to ask - I think it through, make the best decision - and then do the opposite! My first thought is always codie when it comes to family and the addicts.
I just had to relearn so much of what I thought was "helping" and "loving" behavior.

Love in recovery,
Jody Hepler

Abundance

Thank you Jody I think being a slower to react... and being more like in ACT mode is going to be the lesson.... taking it slow. That is something that will take work... I am a reaction based person... and at times very trigger happy. So, this is all such a powerful lesson.

I like the opposite idea! I like the idea of me being only accountable for MY actions..... and HIM being accountable for HIS! It's universal, it's brilliant.... yet..... so often a reality check! lol

THanks again Jody...