brentsgirl

I haven't spoken to my xabf in over a month now. But yet I still can't get away from him. I can't seem to get the guts up to tell his mother that I can't listen to it anymore. He took off on a binge again tonight and she contacted me to tell me and to vent her worries. I feel so badly for her that I listen and it in turn just brings me down. His father and brothers don't want to hear it and are basically under the delusion that it's ok. That its just something he does. So, I am really the only one who is there for her. Not to mention, I partly feel like I owe it to her. She was always there for me when we were together and he would take off. How do I handle this? How do I either tell her I can't anymore, or turn off the part off me that gives a S**T that he is out there smoking crack and god knows what else????

Thanks for listening......guess I really just needed to vent.
:codiepolice

lightseeker

BG -

So sorry to hear that this cycle is continuing. I feel sorry for his mom. I understand the guilt thing but try and remember how important it is to take care of yourself. I know it can't be healthy to hear her crackalogues of her son's adventures. It would pull me down too. Addiction makes everyone around it sick. Has she tried any anon meetings or any of the readings that have helped us so much? Boundaries are a tough issue for me - not just with my husband and his addiction stuff but with every area of my life. My own best thinking got me here but it did begin to focus my attention on all areas of my life. It took a long time for me to be able to focus on what is best for me and make healthy decisions from that place. I always feel so sorry for those in pain and it's difficult not to be there for them - especially when they've listened to me in the past. It's delicate but try and remember that allowing her to go on and on in her anguish isn't healthy for her either...so in the long run it really might not be helping her.

My heart goes out to you because I know how much you care about the whole situation and I know what it has put you through. No one can understand the anguish of this disease that has not gone through it.

You are such a good and strong woman - as long as you doing the next right thing for yourself it's all going to work out. Doing the next right thing isn't always easy though, I've found. Glad that you have this place to vent and the tools to use to keep heading in the right direction.

Just wanted to let you know that I am thinking about you and sorry for this whole situation. It sucks.

Impurrfect

(((Brentsgirl)))

I'm sorry you're still dealing with this.

My stepmom is a huge codie, and I've always been her sounding board. I love her dearly, as I do her kids (my stepsisters and stepbrother). She and my stepsister have a lot of issues. I used to be the sounding board for both of them, but it was dragging me down.

I finally had to tell them both that I love them dearly, but I can't get dragged into the middle of their stuff. I told them how much I appreciate that they are always there for me, but I couldn't fix their situation and was pretty darn busy trying to fix my OWN life.

His mom is going to continue to vent to you as long as you let her. She can find someone else to talk to about him....anon meetings would be the best place for her. I hope you can find a way to still be friends with her, without being dragged down any further in his addiction.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

splendra

It is no delusion it is his life this it is just something he does. You don't owe his mother. You could change your phone number and stop answering her e-mails if she sends them. That would be a very clear message and you wouldn't have to say a thing.

hope213

maybe u could turn her on to this site & if she does not want to get better do as splendra says... it is about taking care of you.

Taking5

Tell her:

a) this behavior is why you are no longer with him
b) you are sorry she is going through this and
c) you don't want to hear about it since you are not with him (see item a)

If that doesn't work then change your phone #, etc.

Chino

That's a really good place to start! Thank her for being there for you in the past and then invite her to an Alanon meeting where you can both learn to how to live with this and break the cycle.

SailorKaren

If, and only if, you think you have a little time and energy to give to her, you might try announcing at the beginning of your conversation that you only have XX minutes to spare right now, but you'll be happy to listen for those minutes. I have a very dear friend in recovery, and she will do this with me, which I totally honor. She has become very aware of her limits and her need to stay within them to keep herself from relapsing. We love to share with each other, but right now she needs to honor her energy levels and I get that. After your XX minutes are gone, you can politely excuse yourself from the call and say you'll talk again later. I have an alcoholic coworker who will call me at odd hours, especially when he drinks, and I usually have it to give to spend some time with him, and when I feel full, I excuse myself until the next time. It makes me feel good to honor my boundaries, and I get to be helpful without draining myself. You could also try telling her you like hearing from her and being supportive, but that it is just hard for you right now to hear a lot of information about what he is doing. See if you can guide her to stay focused on what she is feeling and experiencing around it. I think it's really great that you have some care and concern for her.

BBD

I agree with the posts above. Get her to some alanon meetings and maybe some counciling of her own. Thats what I did and I finnally don't have to vent to anyone except the people on here....maybe tell her about this site also. There is help but my biggest piece of advice is to get her to realize whats really up. I was such a dummy for way too many years. Smiles, Bonnie

Abundance

I am glad you have gotten some good answers ... I was a bit tongue tied to answer and had no either what advice to give. After reading these... I'd like to piggy back and say to her.... maybe even have to cut her off...... ask her about herself and what she is doing for herself?

When people have done that with me...... I get tongue tied and twisted..... like it does really stop me dead in my tracks..... and my stomach even notices it!

brentsgirl

I would like to thank all who responded. His mother has been attending nar-anon meetings for years now, so I cannot suggest it to her. While she does enjoy her meetings.....knowing what I now know about nar-anon, I don't know how much she actually applies to him and herself. What I do know is she does not feel support about setting up boundaries with him from her husband or other sons. What I can begin to do for myself, however, is set up boundaries with her as far as what we communicate about and for how long. I will support her, but cannot and will not just listen to her go on and on about him and his lack of getting clean. But instead, suggest maybe her and I go get a coffee or get our nails done, to take her mind off of things. I do not want to cut her off. I care about her and enjoy our conversation when they don't revolve around him.

Abundance

THAT is brilliant!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

patchoulli

sounds like she needs an ear...Im glad you have been able to be there for her. Your first priority is taking care of yourself and it sounds like you are more than aware of this. good for you. It is heart breaking when it is your partner, when it is your child...the words don't even begin to describe it. Your idea about going and doing something fun is fabulous...blessings..Marian

Jody Hepler

In my experience, some folks don't "get" that there is more to Naranon recovery than going to meetings. We have sponsors that we keep in close contact with (to vent to - instead of to you), we work the steps (step 3 was important to me in turning over the addicts in my life instead of obssessing and worrying about what they were doing), and we get involved with others in recovery.

Maybe you can share with her what you do - and how it has helped you.

I'm a big believer in the three Bs:
Be kind (listen for a few minutes)
Be brief (I need to go - the dog has to go out - I think I hear someone at the door .....)
Be gone (hang up the phone)

And getting your nails done or go to a movie - sounds good. Kind of "redo" your relationship with her, if you want to continue it.

Love in recovery,
Jody Hepler

Wascally Wabbit

Perhaps you could go over to her house, or better yet, meet her at a coffee house, and have a heart to heart talk with her. Tell her how much you love and care for her. Tell her that your life has changed now, that you are seeking peace and every instance of having to hear about "him" is ruining that peace. Tell her that you are looking to move on and that you simply can not listen to one more instance of his troubles.

BBD

You definatly sound like the type of girl I would enjoy in my sons life. Your a sweety~~~~