SS234

I posted this in another forum but thought it might belong here.

I was seeing a guy for about a year. He's been in recovery for fifteen + years. Quit in his early twenties.

He ended things because he couldn't commit. I liked him so this was hard.

A couple months after things were over, I had a feeling he might be on a particular dating site (I won't mention the exact one here) because he mentioned friends of his that were on it. It has three sections, one of the sections is basically for those looking for sex (not looking for a relationship - that's another section) and it can get detailed about exactly what they're "looking for".

Anyway, I found him on it. Are these sort of sites common for guys? As a female, it's hard to understand. Sites for people looking for only one thing?

We were not in contact and he came back. I'm trying to figure out what to do. Is this sort of casual dating site another form of addiction for those in recovery or something normal single guys do?

I'm hoping it's just something he checked out for fun and never really pursued anything - not sure if I'm being a prude in thinking people shouldn't do this sort of thing or if I should watch out.

My gut feels like it's something he was just having fun with and not meeting up with people randomly.

DesertEyes

Hello there SS, and welcome to this little corner of SoberRecovery

As a bit of background, I'm a single guy in AA as well as Al-anon, ACoA, ISA and recently OA-anon. I was raised by pedophiles, ran away from home at 12yrs old and survived by running the streets and doing whatever I had to do. When you're 12 yrs old, there's not lots of choices. I grew up, lived in Los Angeles 25 years, married a super model, ran a small fashion/photography studio. We did the rounds of the wild side in a big way. Now I'm single again and living in Las Vegas. It's pretty wild over here too.

I've been around the block a time or two in this area. The way it goes around the clubs here in town is that if you are not already doing it yourself, you got no business hanging out with people who do.

The way it goes in al-anon is that if _you_ are uncomfortable with what this guy is doing, it doesn't really matter what the rest of the world is doing, doesn't matter _who_ says it's "normal", doesn't matter at all what _he_ is doing. What matters is _you_ and how _you_ feel about it.

Take a little time to browse around this forum. Notice how many folks ruin their lives following their "A" into bars, digging thru their garbage, and slowly allowing themselves to get down to their level. Yeah, I did that too. Followed my wife into some places I hadn't been since I was a child running the streets.

In al-anon they taught me that it's not about _them_. It's about _me_. What in blazes was I doing following my wife into places I had no business being in? Look at the places you've allowed yourself to go into, SS. Places where you _know_ you don't feel comfortable in. I gave up my self-respect trying to desperately hang on to a lady that didn't deserve me. I almost lost my soul.

Take a few minutes to read the stickies up at the top of this forum. See if any of that is useful to you.

Welcome again

Mike

NYC_Chick

Hi and Welcome!

I can't really answer your questions, except for to say I agree with Mike. Why would he be on this site if he wasn't looking for what he said?

I know this is terribly hard, but focusing on yourself now is the best thing for you to do. I also believe that digging for information will only hurt you in the long run. I learned a VERY long time ago never to snoop around. All I got was lied to and they (ex's) still did whatever it was they were doing.

FormerDoormat

Birds of a feather tend to flock together. If he was on that site, he was doing much more than looking. Folks who peruse the type of sites you've described obviously aren't choosy about their partners, where they've been, what they do, and whom they do it with. This risky behavior not only puts them at high risk of contracting potentially deadly diseases, but their partners as well.

If you invite this man back into your life, you'll be inviting all the people he's been having casual sex with into your bedroom. If people came with warnings, the sign on his forehead would read:

"Warning: Pandora's box. Open at your own risk."

But you already know this, and that's why you've posted here. You just wanted to make sure someone else would come along and confirm your suspicions. Your suspicions are correct.

You deserve much more from a partner than this.

SS234

Thank you for your background information and advice DesertEyes.

I thought he might change and want a committed relationship. A lot of relationships aren't exactly smooth sailing : ) Your advice is good though - I shouldn't care whether other people find things normal (ex. the no strings attached dating site).

In today's society it just seems like everyone takes things so casually so I try to rationalize that his presence on a "for sex" site was "normal".

He's still very active in AA - a few meetings a week and has been sober for over a decade. How can someone in a spiritual mindset/attend meetings be on a site like that? Maybe he has a lot of work still to do . . . .

utopia

i struggle being alone. i have been in recovery for years but still cruise websties looking to make a connection. i find the "looking only for sex" meaningless but this is for me....im learning that it is not my place to judge another or to make them wrong,,,,so that i can therefore be right and secure in my rightness....without a healthy demonstration i realise i have no freekin idea how to approach relationships, how to let myself be seen sexually spiritually and sensually and not feel like a victim. how to let go of control. how to deal with my physical needs and desires...how to find others when im gay and socially its not as simple as always it appears to be meeting like temperament pppl unless i want to go to a nigthclub or what even doesnt appeal even less, a toilet block or something...for me that fills me witha disenchantment...im sure let go and let god is a part of it but what is the action rquired of me? work in progress

Freedom1990

When I find myself disturbed over what someone else is doing, it's a strong indication that I still have a lot of work to do on myself, and what I willl/won't accept in my life.

Today I will settle for no less than what I deserve, and that includes relationships.