Hudstar

For the 3rd night in a row I have really hurt my girlfriend's feelings by concocting grand lies explaining why I can't see her. All so I can drink by myself. I have this sweet girl who's never harmed a fly, who only wants to love me and me to love her, and I almost always pull out all the stops to put as much space between us so I can get busy drinking myself into a stupor every night.

I came to learn my true nature some time ago but what right did I ever have inflicting myself -this- on her? I want to love her; my rational mind knows that she could be the best thing that's ever happend to me, but my drink demon tells me she is just an obstacle between it and me and is always finding new ways to hurt this lovely, sweet woman.

I am just beginning to take the first steps in confronting what I have to do, but it's nights like these, so guilt-ridden and miserable... I feel so worthless.

I'm sorry, but now I've found this site it feels like this is the only place I can be honest and vent myself

suki44883

You still want the drink more than you want her. It's okay...it's not at all unusual. You are fighting with your own mind. Hope you figure it out. I understand what you are going through because I've been there myself. (((HUGS)))

Hudstar

Thanks, Suki. Kind of you to say so. I know I'm not a bad person, but I do bad things to others for the sake of drinking. I know that's the alcoholic's creed, but it doesn' make it less painful to realise. Really, what more reason do I need to quit?

All the best, pal.
x

CarolD

Why not tell her the truth?

Be a stand up guy
and stop lying.

Hope you can quit drinking soon.
It's such a hard way to live.

suki44883

The alcohol is doing your thinking for you. I'm sure you care for her, but right now, the alcohol is more important. You'll be ready when you're ready. Just because a special person comes into your life doesn't mean you are ready to stop drinking. Only you can decide that, and it can't be for anyone else but you.

Hudstar

That's the thing, Carol, I have told her before, confessed everything after a dangerous bender a few weeks ago that brought me quivering, wheezing and sobbing to her door. She nursed me back to earth that day, but ever since we've (ok, Me, really) just brushed it under the carpet. But you can't reveal something like that and then pretend it never happened. I know she can see through it, but off I go anyway, spilling out bullsh*t nonetheless.

I'm sure every alcoholic has their dark, miserable anecdotes, I just feel like I'm living mine every day...

MsPlugginTheJug

Hudstar,
Welcome to these boards. Please take lots of time to read as when I first came here, I could relate to so much I read that it helped me come to realize the cold hard fact, that I'm an alcoholic. Armed with that knowledge, and some understanding of what I call the "science of it", which I gained from reading excerpts from the book, "Under the Influence" which are in a sticky at the top of...um, somewhere on here, I stopped drinking and the insanity that surrounded me because of it! Nobody's story or road to sobriety is the same, but I can say, for me, I understand where you are now and you sound like an intelligent, sweet guy who is in the throws of alcoholism and is (as I was) powerless over it and your actions to a degree because it's coursing through your veins! It's a disease. It becomes such a part of you that you can't stop by simply knowing you should or by trying to manage it. It manages you. I use the term manage loosely here! Drinking makes you feel guilty and ashamed and downright crappy, but the physical hold it has on you is strong and it's a vicious cycle. Please read those excerpts, perhaps they can help you understand better. For me, the knowledge I gained from them and the understanding of what being an alcoholic meant was life changing. I knew years ago I had a "problem" but knowing my body simply can't have alcohol with good results, and that you only crave it more and more as it progresses left me almost happy to stop.
It's only been 70 days or so, but I honestly feel like I could have written your post, that many days ago. I never imagined I could push myself away from the bottle, as I had tried, until I gained some very valuable knowledge.
Being powerless over alcohol is not a will power thing, as I believed, to me, it's that if alcohol is IN my system, I can't predict what will happen or when and if I will stop. Once you stop, it then becomes about dealing with your habit of drinking to soothe or relax or whatnot, but that's where working on yourself as a person helps greatly! I was a mess 70 days ago. I can't tell you how amazing it is without alcohol compared to that.
I'm sorry to ramble, I guess I just felt like I understand so much where you are as I was not so long ago, it seems, right there. Your girl is lucky you care that you're hurting her and you have taken a big step by seeking help! YOU deserve to have better and more, and believe it or not, while it may seem like doing without alcohol is unthinkable, it's amazing how much you won't miss it when you come to terms with how bad a friend it really is!

I hope you will keep coming back!
Karen

adore79

The best thing you can do for her is to become sober. Otherwise, what is the point?

Klynn33

I can understand why this is so hard for you - but remember that until you are better yourself, you're no good for anyone else. If she is willing to stand by you and realize that right now you're life has to be about you and your recovery, then great. If not, you may have to take a break until you get yourself where you need to be. It's not fair to either of you. Feeling bad about what you're doing to her is one more thing that you don't need right now. Take some time for you. And since you already said she knows what is going on - I think she might be pretty supportive

least

I agree that getting yourself sober would also be good for your girlfriend. But you have to recover for 'you'. Her relief is secondary to your goal of staying sober one day at a time.

Have you shown her any signs you're ready to quit drinking? That would be helpful. You could also try on AA for size. Go to several different meetings before you decide if you want to stay. I go to meetings and always feel better afterward.

All the best to you.:ghug2

Hudstar

Thank you for all your kinds replies. I will think long and hard on what you've said. Please pray/keep your finger crossed for me that I can mend it tomorrow (at least for a bit).

AW2486

There was a path that I had to take in order to reach a point where I had to do something about my drinking. All my thinking, actions and my drinking led me to a point of such self hatred that I couldn't even look myself in the mirror. You sound a lot like I did at the end. Knowing I had to quit .. but wondering how to do it.

As many have said ... Talk to your doctor .. Try an AA meeting ..

AA and the 12 steps have done wonders for me and many others on this site. It has made me feel a lot better than alcohol ever did.

Best of luck

NYC_Chick

Hi Hudstar:

I usually don't post here, but read to keep understanding where my ex is at and why my own recovery is so important. He is actually you in many ways. My ex drank a pint of whiskey a night for the entire time we were together. I had no idea until he sat me down and told me the night I thought we were actually getting engaged. I didn't live with him, so he had plenty of time to isolate and drink himself into a stupor. When I was with him, he didn't drink at all.

I was angry and confused for a long time. He would relapse and lie. In the meantime, I went to alanon. It became obvious that he wasn't ready to get help, so I ended the relationship. It has been up and down for me since.

As angry as I was, I realize that it is his choice to quit or not. I also realize that it has to happen when he is ready, if ever.

You have to make choices that are right for you as well, however, I can't tell you how often I wished my ex would have just told me the truth because it would have allowed me to make choices based on all the information instead of what little he let me in on.

Hudstar

Thank you for your perspective, NYC_Chick