Yep, I dug thru the garbage.......
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Location: wisconsin
Posts: 167
Yep, I dug thru the garbage.......
I lived with my ah for 28 years. Drinking has always been in my ah's life. As a matter of fact, i see it now as a weird similarity with having an affair. Him and the beer. Always putting that first, never being around to help raise our kids, sneaking around to drink, hiding it, making lame excuses to get out so he could meet her..beer..huge dramas such as 2 dui's in 8 months only to crawl back saying he's changed and couldn't live with out me and he's so sorry, it will never happen again etc. And me always letting him back in only to have the underlying feeling of he's cheating again. And everytime I have had taht feeling, I was right.
Anyways 7 weeks into my knew life persay, living in my own place and trying not to react to him I find my self still with the cheating feeling. He is playing the sypathy card now and just left being angry at me to the point of being very short and rude. Long story short, I am all talked out. For years and after every crisis I would talk like a coed. does and he would not respond. Sometimes if it was bad enough he would say something but never really talk so I would go about my life and wait for the next discussion to have to arraise. I
have detached from him personally, I feel so different almost like no love at all, but I can't seem to detach from my guilt feelings. He has been saying to my daughters that he hasn't had a drink for 7 weeks, but he still says he doesn't have a problem. Last week a girlfriend of mine walked into a bar and ah was sitting in their with a big old beer. He later called and said he has no life and goes no where and has nothing to do. I didn't mention the bar incicdent. Now yesterday morning he left a message on my phone saying, please can we try to work this out as a couple?? I love you so much. My stomach went to knots.Then last night as always, I have to go their to feed our dogs and let them out. he works 2nd shift. I found myself looking at the garabage cans outside. I have been looking at them for weeks wanting to know but not wanting to know. I hauled them into the garage and shut the door so the neighbors wouldn't think I was crazy and opened them. Guess what I found...beer bottles and lots of them. See he is very careful to not leave any evidence around, he even takes his checkbook with him now so I can't peek. Should I tell him about my new discoveries? Should I just keep i inside? I know he is confused over my leaving and seeming to be so cold. I guess I feel that it is over and once again can't come out and say just that in fear of hurting him worse. Then I get angry thinking about all the tears I've shed, the years I've lost to his mistress alcohol, I can't really have no contact because of ours dogs. I got them on the rebound of one of his duis and me trying to fix things. I had new homes ready for them when I left but at the last minute, he said he would keep them . I guess he figures i'll come back for my beloved dogs. I was so distraut over giving them up and now i wish I just had so I wouldn't be over thier searching thru gross garbage!!!!!!!!!
I know this is a ramble but I need some insight. Should i tell him I think it's over only to pay the price of trying to rehome my innocent dogs and may be have him do something stupid such as another dui??????? If he gets one our house would probabley be forclosed on before we sell it as he would loose his job or maybe worse, hurt someone else and would I be liable too? I have always hated rocking the boat and have become very good at not saying to much of anything.
I guess after all this I still feel stuck and can't seem to start enjoying my "newlife". Guilt over my pets is huge for me and going over thier 4 nights aweek is not helping either. I thought it would work out but it's so depressing to be in our old home that is so different now. ok I'll shut up..... help....ps I started smoking again and I have a strong urge for the wrong carbohydrates if you know what I mean.
Anyways 7 weeks into my knew life persay, living in my own place and trying not to react to him I find my self still with the cheating feeling. He is playing the sypathy card now and just left being angry at me to the point of being very short and rude. Long story short, I am all talked out. For years and after every crisis I would talk like a coed. does and he would not respond. Sometimes if it was bad enough he would say something but never really talk so I would go about my life and wait for the next discussion to have to arraise. I
have detached from him personally, I feel so different almost like no love at all, but I can't seem to detach from my guilt feelings. He has been saying to my daughters that he hasn't had a drink for 7 weeks, but he still says he doesn't have a problem. Last week a girlfriend of mine walked into a bar and ah was sitting in their with a big old beer. He later called and said he has no life and goes no where and has nothing to do. I didn't mention the bar incicdent. Now yesterday morning he left a message on my phone saying, please can we try to work this out as a couple?? I love you so much. My stomach went to knots.Then last night as always, I have to go their to feed our dogs and let them out. he works 2nd shift. I found myself looking at the garabage cans outside. I have been looking at them for weeks wanting to know but not wanting to know. I hauled them into the garage and shut the door so the neighbors wouldn't think I was crazy and opened them. Guess what I found...beer bottles and lots of them. See he is very careful to not leave any evidence around, he even takes his checkbook with him now so I can't peek. Should I tell him about my new discoveries? Should I just keep i inside? I know he is confused over my leaving and seeming to be so cold. I guess I feel that it is over and once again can't come out and say just that in fear of hurting him worse. Then I get angry thinking about all the tears I've shed, the years I've lost to his mistress alcohol, I can't really have no contact because of ours dogs. I got them on the rebound of one of his duis and me trying to fix things. I had new homes ready for them when I left but at the last minute, he said he would keep them . I guess he figures i'll come back for my beloved dogs. I was so distraut over giving them up and now i wish I just had so I wouldn't be over thier searching thru gross garbage!!!!!!!!!
I know this is a ramble but I need some insight. Should i tell him I think it's over only to pay the price of trying to rehome my innocent dogs and may be have him do something stupid such as another dui??????? If he gets one our house would probabley be forclosed on before we sell it as he would loose his job or maybe worse, hurt someone else and would I be liable too? I have always hated rocking the boat and have become very good at not saying to much of anything.
I guess after all this I still feel stuck and can't seem to start enjoying my "newlife". Guilt over my pets is huge for me and going over thier 4 nights aweek is not helping either. I thought it would work out but it's so depressing to be in our old home that is so different now. ok I'll shut up..... help....ps I started smoking again and I have a strong urge for the wrong carbohydrates if you know what I mean.
Last edited by freeflower; 06-14-2008 at 04:04 AM. Reason: spelling
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
((((freeflower)))))
So now you have "proof" what good is it to you? What will you do with it? Do you really need to confront him? Do you think he does not know?
Honey I know that "want to know what's going on with him" feeling. After all these years I know what he is up to just by looking at him. I don't need to go ruffeling thru his "stuff" to see. Doing it changed nothing and it hurt me more and possibly hurt him too because it is a boundary violation to go thru his stuff even his garbage...
He lives separately from you even though he is asking to get back together you don't have to do it.:codiepolice
So now you have "proof" what good is it to you? What will you do with it? Do you really need to confront him? Do you think he does not know?
Honey I know that "want to know what's going on with him" feeling. After all these years I know what he is up to just by looking at him. I don't need to go ruffeling thru his "stuff" to see. Doing it changed nothing and it hurt me more and possibly hurt him too because it is a boundary violation to go thru his stuff even his garbage...
He lives separately from you even though he is asking to get back together you don't have to do it.:codiepolice
Recovering Codependant
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
Unfortunately hunny, this has nothing to do with him and everything to do with your recovery. Codependants constantly engage in actions that are self destructive and cause inner pain.
Finding out the truth you knew inside all along anyway hasn't helped you in your recovery at all. You are not with him for good reasons, you know these reasons inside of you. You don't need to justify them to yourself or to him.
Codependants also have trouble trusting themselves, I sense this may be why you searched through the garbage, because you needed to know you were right for breaking up with him? He has played mind games with you that have made you doubt your judgements and so you felt unsure about your actions and searched. A big red flag for me on this one, is that you took the cans away from where anyone might see you? So you knew what you were doing was unhealthy behaviour.
Take some deep breaths and ask you self honestly, why you felt you should rumage through decomposing filth in order to quell that burning self doubting anxiety knot in your stomach? My guess is you will find it had nothing to do with him, but a lot to do with your codie impulses.
Refocus and gather yourself, you have the power inside of you to overcome this madness. You will get stronger each day and be able to resist the codependant pull on your thoughts and actions.
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Finding out the truth you knew inside all along anyway hasn't helped you in your recovery at all. You are not with him for good reasons, you know these reasons inside of you. You don't need to justify them to yourself or to him.
Codependants also have trouble trusting themselves, I sense this may be why you searched through the garbage, because you needed to know you were right for breaking up with him? He has played mind games with you that have made you doubt your judgements and so you felt unsure about your actions and searched. A big red flag for me on this one, is that you took the cans away from where anyone might see you? So you knew what you were doing was unhealthy behaviour.
Take some deep breaths and ask you self honestly, why you felt you should rumage through decomposing filth in order to quell that burning self doubting anxiety knot in your stomach? My guess is you will find it had nothing to do with him, but a lot to do with your codie impulses.
Refocus and gather yourself, you have the power inside of you to overcome this madness. You will get stronger each day and be able to resist the codependant pull on your thoughts and actions.
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Originally Posted by freeflower 
Should i tell him I think it's over only to pay the price of trying to rehome my innocent dogs and may be have him do something stupid such as another dui???????
Originally Posted by freeflower
Guilt over my pets is huge for me and going over thier 4 nights aweek is not helping either.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Hiya Freeflower-
First of all BIG (((((((HUG))))))).
Please, go easy on yourself. You are in a time of transition, and these loose ends are still nagging at your ability to find your new and well-deserved serenity.
A couple things jumped out at me in your post:
He later called and said he has no life and goes no where and has nothing to do.
You know NONE of that is YOUR fault. He's an adult and just as free as anyone to do what he wishes in each moment.
I know he is confused over my leaving and seeming to be so cold.
He may be wanting you to think that he is "confused" over your leaving but anyone who is "hiding the evidence" that they know will upset their facade pretty much knows exactly why you are gone - no confusion at all. I mean he's not tidying up dirty socks or old newspapers and chucking them in the garbage - he's hiding evidence of alcohol consumption. And in this action lies a very clear message to YOU - his actions/behaviors have not changed.
I guess I feel that it is over and once again can't come out and say just that in fear of hurting him worse
Fear of hurting him??? You are being honest. You can say it without any meanness. You can say - I never want to hurt you but I am done with this relationship. It is over. I wish you only the best. But it is over. I hope you get healthy for your own sake, but it is over. I send you nothing but goodwill, but it is over. You CANNOT prevent other people's reactions or pain. Life is full of painful defining moments. Be in your OWN!! Not trying to manage HIS.
Should i tell him I think it's over only to pay the price of trying to rehome my innocent dogs and may be have him do something stupid such as another dui???????
His DUI's are NEVER your fault. Never. Never. Never. Did anything you did in the past prevent him from getting those 2 DUI's?
And dogs will be happy in any home where they are loved, and played with and treated with respect. You don't have to send them to the gallows, you can make it a priority to find a safe and welcoming home for your dogs! There are many dog lovers out there (just on this sight there are zillions!!). Very hard I know - but sometimes giving the dog up for adoption is the most loving thing you can do.
I had new homes ready for them when I left but at the last minute, he said he would keep them. Try again.
I started smoking again and I have a strong urge for the wrong carbohydrates if you know what I mean.
Guilt seeks punishment.
If you have done something (and I don't mean breaking up) to feel guilty about - perhaps harsh words or actions that you regret, then by all means you will feel better if you apologize sincerely for those transgressions. But it is not your fault that he is an alcoholic, it is not your "fault" that the marriage ended. So own your responsiblity - but please, please put it in proportion. If it is paralyzing you then you may need to write all down what you feel so guilty about and then consider each item on the list and double check the intensity of why you feel responsible.
Even when drinking is not an issue ending a 28 yr relationship is gonna feel very painful. But you've made this REMARKABLE step Freeflower!! Nothing changes if nothing changes and wow you have changed something!! Give it time to breathe. Take it one day at a time. Maybe someday your AH will find recovery and you can seek out a healthy NEW relationship with him. But you don't have to think about that now.
Let some time flow by, and pay attention only to behavior. Not what he "says." You don't need to go garbage hunting. You will KNOW 100% when your ex has found sobriety/ recovery because his whole demeanor will change. Night and day.
But most importantly pay attention to your behavior. Get your focus back onto you. You are the ONLY person you can change. the only person you can save. Take it easy and maybe just for today -do something fun and distracting and joyful just for YOU! You deserve it.
Peace and prayers for your continued strength!
B.
First of all BIG (((((((HUG))))))).
Please, go easy on yourself. You are in a time of transition, and these loose ends are still nagging at your ability to find your new and well-deserved serenity.
A couple things jumped out at me in your post:
He later called and said he has no life and goes no where and has nothing to do.
You know NONE of that is YOUR fault. He's an adult and just as free as anyone to do what he wishes in each moment.
I know he is confused over my leaving and seeming to be so cold.
He may be wanting you to think that he is "confused" over your leaving but anyone who is "hiding the evidence" that they know will upset their facade pretty much knows exactly why you are gone - no confusion at all. I mean he's not tidying up dirty socks or old newspapers and chucking them in the garbage - he's hiding evidence of alcohol consumption. And in this action lies a very clear message to YOU - his actions/behaviors have not changed.
I guess I feel that it is over and once again can't come out and say just that in fear of hurting him worse
Fear of hurting him??? You are being honest. You can say it without any meanness. You can say - I never want to hurt you but I am done with this relationship. It is over. I wish you only the best. But it is over. I hope you get healthy for your own sake, but it is over. I send you nothing but goodwill, but it is over. You CANNOT prevent other people's reactions or pain. Life is full of painful defining moments. Be in your OWN!! Not trying to manage HIS.
Should i tell him I think it's over only to pay the price of trying to rehome my innocent dogs and may be have him do something stupid such as another dui???????
His DUI's are NEVER your fault. Never. Never. Never. Did anything you did in the past prevent him from getting those 2 DUI's?
And dogs will be happy in any home where they are loved, and played with and treated with respect. You don't have to send them to the gallows, you can make it a priority to find a safe and welcoming home for your dogs! There are many dog lovers out there (just on this sight there are zillions!!). Very hard I know - but sometimes giving the dog up for adoption is the most loving thing you can do.
I had new homes ready for them when I left but at the last minute, he said he would keep them. Try again.
I started smoking again and I have a strong urge for the wrong carbohydrates if you know what I mean.
Guilt seeks punishment.
If you have done something (and I don't mean breaking up) to feel guilty about - perhaps harsh words or actions that you regret, then by all means you will feel better if you apologize sincerely for those transgressions. But it is not your fault that he is an alcoholic, it is not your "fault" that the marriage ended. So own your responsiblity - but please, please put it in proportion. If it is paralyzing you then you may need to write all down what you feel so guilty about and then consider each item on the list and double check the intensity of why you feel responsible.
Even when drinking is not an issue ending a 28 yr relationship is gonna feel very painful. But you've made this REMARKABLE step Freeflower!! Nothing changes if nothing changes and wow you have changed something!! Give it time to breathe. Take it one day at a time. Maybe someday your AH will find recovery and you can seek out a healthy NEW relationship with him. But you don't have to think about that now.
Let some time flow by, and pay attention only to behavior. Not what he "says." You don't need to go garbage hunting. You will KNOW 100% when your ex has found sobriety/ recovery because his whole demeanor will change. Night and day.
But most importantly pay attention to your behavior. Get your focus back onto you. You are the ONLY person you can change. the only person you can save. Take it easy and maybe just for today -do something fun and distracting and joyful just for YOU! You deserve it.
Peace and prayers for your continued strength!
B.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
You have physically moved out but you are still living with him mentally. You are still very wrapped up in the dance of alcoholism.
When I finally (and believe me it took me a while) realized MY role in the disease and stopped focusing on the A in my life, things felt better for me. It was a huge weight off my shoulders. Unfortunately, you are still carrying around that weight and it doesn't feel good, huh?
The dogs are......well.......to be blunt.......an excuse. An excuse for both of you to continue the dance. It gives you the excuse to go over there and it gives him the excuse to get you there. I love dogs (I have four). But if I HAD to (and I hope I never have to) I would concentrate my energy on rehoming the dogs.......for them and for me.
The A in my life is my 27 year old son. As a mother, it's really really hard to stand back and let him live his life. Make his own mistakes. Enjoy his own successes.......without my interference. But he is an adult. I HAVE to let him live his life even if I don't always agree with his choices. Your AH is an adult and is responsible for his own behaviors just as you are responsible for yours. You can't make his decisions for him. You can only do what is best for you.
Change is hard. I struggle with my co-dependent behaviors every single day. I truly hope that you are able to find peace within yourself......because that is where it resides.
gentle hugs
When I finally (and believe me it took me a while) realized MY role in the disease and stopped focusing on the A in my life, things felt better for me. It was a huge weight off my shoulders. Unfortunately, you are still carrying around that weight and it doesn't feel good, huh?
The dogs are......well.......to be blunt.......an excuse. An excuse for both of you to continue the dance. It gives you the excuse to go over there and it gives him the excuse to get you there. I love dogs (I have four). But if I HAD to (and I hope I never have to) I would concentrate my energy on rehoming the dogs.......for them and for me.
The A in my life is my 27 year old son. As a mother, it's really really hard to stand back and let him live his life. Make his own mistakes. Enjoy his own successes.......without my interference. But he is an adult. I HAVE to let him live his life even if I don't always agree with his choices. Your AH is an adult and is responsible for his own behaviors just as you are responsible for yours. You can't make his decisions for him. You can only do what is best for you.
Change is hard. I struggle with my co-dependent behaviors every single day. I truly hope that you are able to find peace within yourself......because that is where it resides.
gentle hugs
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 369
Originally Posted by Lilyflower
Codependants also have trouble trusting themselves, I sense this may be why you searched through the garbage, because you needed to know you were right for breaking up with him? He has played mind games with you that have made you doubt your judgements and so you felt unsure about your actions and searched. A big red flag for me on this one, is that you took the cans away from where anyone might see you? So you knew what you were doing was unhealthy behaviour.
I agree with PPs. You are hanging on to an excuse to stay in the game (just like me at the moment). I'm hoping to stop making excuses myself and move on with my life. I *know* I dont' need more proof but that doesn't necessarily stop me. Right there with you on this one. ((HUGS)) Praying you are able to find your way off the merry-go-round.
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
Can you take the dogs with you? They have always been truthful and loyal to you. Can't say the same for your husband. Plus, a person who's drunk 24/7 isn't responsible enough to take care of himself and his affairs, much less oversee the safety, care, and needs of animals that are incapable of fending for themselves.
If you can't take the dogs with you, rehoming--hard as that may be--is the next best choice.
If you can't take the dogs with you, rehoming--hard as that may be--is the next best choice.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Location: wisconsin
Posts: 167
Whew, once again you are all so smart. I have really been taking this code thing seriously and researching my actions for so long that when i give in and kinda screw up ( garbage diving) it shakes me . I guess this is not a quik fix kind of thing so I am going to take all your words with me and just keep trying to understand myself. I have made the decision not to confront him on my findings. I will keep that between me and you all. I guess I thought that me leaving would be his bottom... I think as humans we all want to be valadated and figuring out that a watery substance with alcohol in it is more important than a living human ..such as my self(lol) is a blow to my ego and it hurts. I need to work thru this hurt and all the years of hurt. It took a alot of years of being second to his drinking to screw up my brain this much and I know now it will take alot of time to heal. A move to a knew location was not as quik of a fix as I had anticipated.
I don't know if any of you ever met an animal freak? I was born with this gene and have always been the one to stop traffic to move a turtle, put up signs for lost pets, save the baby birds etc..so my pets are very dear to me. I left with my 3 cats and I looked all over for a place that would let me bring my dogs but nothing I could afford. They weigh 250 pounds between the 2 of them, so most land lords just laughed. Right now they have a big fenced in yard that they can run in all day so I know they are safe. People like me tend to humanize our pets.
I know in my heart the best thing for them and I and ah would be to rehome them so I am going to travel that path again and soon. I think no contact would be good for ah and I to stop this merry go round and get on with our lives. I also know tuff decisions on when to divorse and sell our home will come next......
thanks for listening and your advice. i'm sure I'll need some more in the near future. I'll keep you posted.
Former door mat, he isn't a 24/7 drunk yet, he is a functioning one right now with an elderly father he has to assist everyday and a job he has to keep. I do pray the 24/7 thing doesnt happen.
I don't know if any of you ever met an animal freak? I was born with this gene and have always been the one to stop traffic to move a turtle, put up signs for lost pets, save the baby birds etc..so my pets are very dear to me. I left with my 3 cats and I looked all over for a place that would let me bring my dogs but nothing I could afford. They weigh 250 pounds between the 2 of them, so most land lords just laughed. Right now they have a big fenced in yard that they can run in all day so I know they are safe. People like me tend to humanize our pets.
I know in my heart the best thing for them and I and ah would be to rehome them so I am going to travel that path again and soon. I think no contact would be good for ah and I to stop this merry go round and get on with our lives. I also know tuff decisions on when to divorse and sell our home will come next......
thanks for listening and your advice. i'm sure I'll need some more in the near future. I'll keep you posted.
Former door mat, he isn't a 24/7 drunk yet, he is a functioning one right now with an elderly father he has to assist everyday and a job he has to keep. I do pray the 24/7 thing doesnt happen.
Last edited by freeflower; 06-15-2008 at 04:34 AM. Reason: just to ad more
Member
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: KY
Posts: 11
Thanks
Thanks for this. I have in 8 years and a daughter. I've kicked him out about 12 times only to take him back after the "i'm sorrys". My daughter has been my excuse. I've done all kinds of crazy things to confirm what I already know. Checking his text messages, going through his wallet, stalking him at bars. Pretty unhealthy. Your post makes me realize 8 years is a long time, 20 more i definitely do not need. I'm resolved to keep him out of my life but I've fallen off the wagon so many times. Hearing your story helps.
Good luck, I know its hard.
Good luck, I know its hard.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 444
Yep - I dug through the garabage too. . . . I had told my AH that if he continued to drink I would leave. He believed he could "control" it; I gave him another chance. My gut knew he wasn't controlling it. But, I needed proof. I couldn't carry out that final ultimatum without proof. I dug through the garbage, I searched for the hidden stash that I knew had to be there. I found it under a plastic tub in the garage rafters! I laid clear plastic wrap over the cans in the recycling so I could count how many new cans went in every day. When I had my proof I sat him down one last time. I calmy asked him to please tell me how much he was drinking. He said none. I said, if I were to tell you I knew for a fact that is a lie, what would you say? His posture changed, but he used the tone of voice he always used when he was adamant--the one I always believed, ALWAYS. When he was like that he was ALWAYS telling the truth. This time I knew he wasn't. I wondered how many other times he wasn't. I knew it was over, within a week I was gone.
If I didn't have the proof, I would have believed him again. HE was trustworthy, my gut was not. But what I learned is that my gut is trustworthy, I just had to prove it to myself. Am I proud of digging through the garbage, no. But I am not ashamed either. I needed to do it -- I needed to do it for me. Hopefully, I will never have to do it again.
If I didn't have the proof, I would have believed him again. HE was trustworthy, my gut was not. But what I learned is that my gut is trustworthy, I just had to prove it to myself. Am I proud of digging through the garbage, no. But I am not ashamed either. I needed to do it -- I needed to do it for me. Hopefully, I will never have to do it again.
Recovering Codependant
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
Originally Posted by i4getsm
Ughhh...I really don't like it when I read something that is so true and really speaks to my own actions. I keep looking through his cellphone records almost hoping to find something so I can finally kick him off my account in good conscious. The thing is I already know everything I need to know in order to just do it. That doesn't make it any less hard.
I agree with PPs. You are hanging on to an excuse to stay in the game (just like me at the moment). I'm hoping to stop making excuses myself and move on with my life. I *know* I dont' need more proof but that doesn't necessarily stop me. Right there with you on this one. ((HUGS)) Praying you are able to find your way off the merry-go-round.
I agree with PPs. You are hanging on to an excuse to stay in the game (just like me at the moment). I'm hoping to stop making excuses myself and move on with my life. I *know* I dont' need more proof but that doesn't necessarily stop me. Right there with you on this one. ((HUGS)) Praying you are able to find your way off the merry-go-round.
Over the last year we were together, I followed him around the streets, listened at his friends front doors and eves dropped on his conversations all in the name of quelling my own insatiable anxiety and control desires.
For me, I knew I was acting unhealthy, I felt like I was going insane. It is like a drug, despite knowing the harm it does, you just keep going back and doing it again and again. Time and hard work on me through therapy have helped me to overcome this so far.
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: The beautiful Midwest
Posts: 202
Freeflower, so much of this rings true for me as well!! I have searched thru the trash, his car, the shed, his toolbox.......I completely understand your need to "justify" your feelings. In the long run, I only discovered the truth that I knew was there all along. My gut told me he was still drinking and there was the evidence. I only hurt myself and threw myself back into depression and helpless feelings by doing that to myself.
I, too, am an avid animal lover and I could have written your post about stopping traffic to move a turtle out of the road. I have a dog (which is technically my ABF's dog because his sister gave it to him before she died.....although I am the one who truly CARES for her) anyway, I have used the dog as my excuse for not kicking him out sooner. I thought I could put up with whatever I need to in order to not cause waves in this relationship because I feared the thought of him taking the dog when he leaves. I have prayed about this, I have cried and held "my" dog like I might never see her again, I have talked to the dog....you name it. Nothing will take away the pain of losing an animal, but the bottom line is, we MUST take care of ourselves and sometimes that means losing something dear to us. Sure, that seems easy for me to say since I have not asked my ABF to leave yet and I still have my precious canine with me. But I know that very soon I will be doing what needs to be done and I am praying that God sees fit for him to leave the dog with me.
I, too, am an avid animal lover and I could have written your post about stopping traffic to move a turtle out of the road. I have a dog (which is technically my ABF's dog because his sister gave it to him before she died.....although I am the one who truly CARES for her) anyway, I have used the dog as my excuse for not kicking him out sooner. I thought I could put up with whatever I need to in order to not cause waves in this relationship because I feared the thought of him taking the dog when he leaves. I have prayed about this, I have cried and held "my" dog like I might never see her again, I have talked to the dog....you name it. Nothing will take away the pain of losing an animal, but the bottom line is, we MUST take care of ourselves and sometimes that means losing something dear to us. Sure, that seems easy for me to say since I have not asked my ABF to leave yet and I still have my precious canine with me. But I know that very soon I will be doing what needs to be done and I am praying that God sees fit for him to leave the dog with me.
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