I need to get some help

Old 06-13-2008, 10:36 PM
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I need to get some help

I haven't been here for a few months. I thought with the divorce being final I was finally done being a codie. Well guess what I just started dating the same guy My ex was. Why am I attracted to this? My family met him and knew right off that he was wrong for me. Am I blind to this? I googled dating a**holes, and I am attracted to drug addictted a** holes. I guess I must like that roller coster ride. I am happy to finally recognize this. I am getting out of it. But I find myself wanting to get sucked back in. I hate being lonely, I know I need to look into myself to find happiness, It's not going to come from someone else. But it is comforting to have arms around you. To feel needed, wanted and loved. I miss having a companion. Just needed to vent. And I need to keep going to this site because I have a problem. I need help with this codependent thing.
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Old 06-13-2008, 11:01 PM
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get it, give it, grow in it
 
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Try counseling + al-anon to get to know yourself.
A moratorium on MEN, may be a good idea.
as you know it is not abt. them but abt. you.

Change is possible, with work and time.
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Old 06-15-2008, 12:29 PM
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I too am feeling that tug to be involved with someone. I'm having periods when I am alone and feeling intensely lonely. I see those as two different things. I can be alone, and feel fulfilled and happy. I was once that way, and I can do it again!
Loneliness is an uncomfortable feeling for me, and I think that pursuing a relationship, or being in one, is a way for me to mood alter out of loneliness without dealing with more fundamental issues (translate: painful to face). So there you have the essence of addiction in codependence: relationships as a drug.
Give yourself a big hug for what you accomplished in your divorce. Be a good friend to yourself, and always have your back. You are the one you are waiting for. We only see in others, and draw to ourselves, what we see in ourself. See the highest and best that you are, treat yourself with exquisite care, and watch the world transform around you.
Blessings,
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Old 06-15-2008, 12:59 PM
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Hi ex~~~I started counciling when my son came out about his cocaine problem. I had no clue that I was codependant. Just thought I was being a good mom..OMG~~~did I cry at first. I bet there's some help for you at Social Services in your area. Thats where I tried first and spent months there. Now I'm into therapy for myself. I have found it so helpful. I'm sorry you picked the same type of man but at least you have now realized and can help yourself. Good luck and smiles, Bonnie
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Old 06-15-2008, 06:39 PM
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please try not to make the same mistake that I made - thinking that if I wasn't with the addict/alcoholic then my problem was over. It turns out that I am the problem - not them. I need to be a card carrying member of alanon til the end of my days and work an active recovery. Hopefully, I then can have a daily reprieve. I have had so much to learn about myself and I just didn't realize that loving an addict was simply a road sign to where I needed to go. I am convinced that if I had been working an active recovery that I would not have married another addict, and then another. I get it. There are holes in my head that fit the rocks in their's.....need to fill those holes with something else other than the rocks of addicts. I was susceptible to my drug (addicted relationships) the same way that they are susceptible to their's.

Sounds like you might have a bit of what I've got - the good news is there is help and it's not costly. Thank heavens for that! So sorry to hear about what is going on but remember - there are no accidents. It's an opportunity to take a look at yourself and begin to take good care of you. We all think that we come here because of our addicts and we think that we go to alanon/naranon because of our addicts. No - we do all of that because we have a problem with living and our lives are unmanageable.

Glad that you're back!
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Old 06-15-2008, 08:02 PM
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Thankyou all for your kind words. I do need to just work on myself for a while and take a break from any relationships. I love SR it helps me to realize that I'm not alone with my problem and to find a better way with all the positive support. I did have a message board with things I have found on this site. I had taken it down when I got a new fridge. Think it's time for me to put a new one up for myself. I guess I didn't want to deal with my problems for a while. Working a program is hard. I guess I had a relapse. Thank god I realized that before it got to far. I do not want to ever live that way agian. The road you take being addicted to your addict is so painful and hard. Finding peace is what I'm striving for now.
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Old 06-16-2008, 05:34 AM
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sending hugs & prayers,
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Old 06-16-2008, 10:36 AM
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If nothing changes, nothing changes - and in my experience it gets much worse. My picker is broken. Line up ten men and I'll pick out the sickest every time.

The way I stopped getting involved with the same kind of man was - stop getting involved with any man. Go to meetings, work the steps and start making changes in my life.

I attracted them like bees to honey. You want to be fixed - see Jody.

Today, thank heavens, I have realized that being alone sometimes is so much better than being lonely. And some of my most lonely times were when I was with someone.

"It takes a heckuva man to take the place of no man at all".

Would I like to be with someone - yes. Would he have to be someone very special - heck yes. Am I going to settle - no way!! Thanks to the 12 steps for making me into this kind of recovering woman.

Love in recovery,
Jody Hepler
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Old 06-16-2008, 12:28 PM
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Jody -

you've hit the nail on the head in my opinion. It took me a long time to get to this place but I'm willing to work out it to stay here. I don't have the energy for any more fixer uppers. I could recognize that my picker was broken but I didn't do anything about it. I guess that I kept thinking that it had majically been fixed. I used to say that if I ran into a healthy man, I would be friend's with him. If he was sorta sick I would sleep with him. If he was really sick, I'd marry him.


I wish that I had had the courage to take a time out and focus on me and my needs. Actually, I did do that several years ago. It really worked and I became involved with the most wonderful man and we married. Long story short - he ended up with frontotemporal lobe dementia. I think that going man free is probably the best solution for someone like me. I was so torn up after that that my guard was lowered and my now RAH reeentered my life. He was an active addict and I didn't realize it until I was head over heels with him.

One of the times that we most need recovery is after a relationship ends. If we don't work on ourselves then I believe that it is pretty likely that we will return to the same sort of man that we've already been with.
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Old 06-19-2008, 06:32 PM
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Thanks for letting me realize I'm not the only one with a bad picker. I need to get my ass to some meetings. I did make a pack with my self on June 17 that I will work on myself for a year before trying any relationships. I will find my inner peace by learning to be my own person, and to love and respect myself first before I can have a "normal" relationship. So I am going camping with my two boys on the ocean this week, looking forward to some good bodysurfing, reading, and fishing with the two best little men I have in this world.
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Old 06-19-2008, 06:35 PM
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That sounds powerfully self-healing and also like a great time!
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