LaTeeDa

These are two of the hardest things for me. I understand them, but danged if I can do them! Okay, acceptance I’ve learned to some extent. I can’t change others. They will do what they will do, they are who they are, etc. But still there is a little part of me that says “okay, I accept what is, now how can I change it?” LOL So these principles are something I work on every day. Some days, I do better than others.

Today, I have an example and a lesson for me in acceptance and surrender.

Recently, I had an unexpected expense come up. I was angry about it because it was something I should have planned for, but didn’t. I fumed and fretted over it—but only for about an hour. I reminded myself that resisting what is, is futile. No matter how much I hate that I owe that money, I still owe it. So, I let it go, and decided that I would manage it somehow.

Two days ago, I got a message on my answering machine from our family dentist regarding my payment plan for my daughter’s braces. I guess I figured that was probably bad news, too, so I procrastinated calling them back. This morning, I remembered the call and knew I should call them back since they are closed on the weekend.

Well, the issue was they discovered that they owe me a refund, almost exactly the same amount as the unexpected bill, and wanted to know if they should apply it to my daughter’s braces. Since I already have that obligation budgeted, I said no, please send me a refund.

Amazing, I tell you! I accepted and surrendered, and the universe sent me a solution.

Anyone else have a story of how acceptance and surrender actually resolved a situation?

L

Astro

In AA we often talk about romances and finances being the greatest threats to our serenity. I'm not having any issues on the romance front, everything's A-OK in my relationship. But my finances continue to shake me even though I really have nothing to worry about.

It seems like those unexpected bills always pop up. For me it's usually the auto insurance or my kids orthodontic bills. And every time I worry about it, I found out later on I fretted for nothing. This past week my incentive check from the IRS came in. Problems solved. But I'll never learn. I guess I wouldn't have anything to do if I didn't worry about money!

One of the Promises says that "fear of financial insecurity will leave us". But as with most things, it won't leave me without some claw marks on it!

Pajarito

Yes LTD! I am noticing this almost daily now.

My example: Being in the middle of a divorce and facing a big decline in income because of it, I have been fretting over my job situation. I work almost full time as a graphic designer, I teach one class, and I do freelance- because I feel I need to do as much as I can right now to save. I've been thinking about how much I want to pare down- do ONE job, but I seriously cannot afford to yet. Yesterday my boss called me into his office and announced he had requested a raise for me- and it was approved! I work at a university- so raises are few and far between- however I do get grad school paid for, so it's hard to give up. I had accepted that I was going to have to tough it out for a while. I never asked for a raise- how did that happen? Some people might just say it was time, but I choose to believe I had been "Putting it out there into the universe" accepting and surrendering to what is.

Lately I've noticed more "miracles" in my life- or more likely they've always been there, but I just didn't notice them before. I was hugely wrapped up in AH's issues. I never took the time to really look around me- and I KNOW I didn't just let things happen naturally. Now I do- I'm not perfect- but I can see that just letting go has so many benefits.

Thanks for sharing!

GiveLove

I'm a 'law of attraction' kind of person, so this sort of stuff happens so often these days that I barely even notice (except to be grateful for them)

With me it seems to be totally about staying relaxed and accepting what Is. Not that I'm always good at it, but when I can practice surrender, Life almost always delivers. Strange checks & rebates I wasn't expecting, apartments when I needed them, etc. The more I grasp at things and get mad when they don't turn out "the right way", the less life delivers.

I've noticed that in relationships too. The more I let go of all my "shoulds", my preconceived notions about how people should be, the more I seem to attract people who appreciate me for me. That includes my husband; the more I let him be what he wants to be, evolve at his own pace, make his own mistakes, live my own life instead of his, the better our relationship gets with every passing year. It almost seems counter-intuitive.....let go, to have more????? Who would've thought.

LaTeeDa

I completely agree. Very counter-intuitive for me--the biggest control freak in the world! I'm slowly learning, though, and these stories, as well as my own experience, are helping. Keep them coming!

Thanks,
L

Oh and P.S. Congrats on the raise Paj!8

i4getsm

Mine isn't exactly an example of acceptance and surrender, but it is a sign that God is listening. Last night I couldn't sleep. When in my twins' room to check on them and one of my kids was wide awake. Immediately stood up in his crib with his arms up for me to hold him. So I did. As I was rocking him, I closed my eyes and prayed to God saying if I never have anything other than this (having both of my sons), I will be fullfilled. I went on to say "I'm listening Lord. Guide me and I will follow because clearly I have no control over this and I wasn't doing such a good job on my own". I felt such peace at that moment. It still makes me want to cry.

Okay, so the God's listening part. I wake up this morning and check my emails. I get a daily word from Joel Osteen. This is the email:
Hi - can you say amazing? So yes, God I'm listening and I know you have good things in store for me, no matter how rough the road is to get there. And my mother and I spoke this morning and somehow finances came up. I told her that ironically I'm doing okay (STBXAH lost his job so I'm paying for everything). She said "nope - that's God providing". Well Duh!

If we would keep surrendering our need to control things, our blessings really will be there. Maybe not in the time frame that we want but in God's time.

I get tears in my eyes writing this. Even with all the cr*p. I am so blessed.

Thank you for sharing your miracles today!

Spiritual Seeker

Acceptance - I've been pick pick nit-picking at my husband lately like a terrier on heels.
He retired and has been home for 5 mos. after working out of town for many yrs.,
we're working on a remodel, etc.
NO EXCUSE. I find myself wanting him to change. thank you for reminding me the greater power is in ACCEPTANCE... REALLY, there is no need for the struggle I am creating. Non-acceptance is more abt. me than him. Acceptance can lead to harmony.
Today I will practice acceptance.


Surrender, needs continual practice.

Kindeyes

I never do anything "half way". It's a genetic flaw I have been cursed (and blessed) with.

I have always been VERY controlling and very driven. And I have been exceptionally good at it (I'm sure it made everyone around me absolutely NUTS). I'm very high strung........my husband has often told me that I thrive on chaos and if something isn't broken, I'll break it just so that I can fix it again.

I have been working on acceptance and surrender now for the last 1-1/2 years. I am now getting so good at it that I'm a little concerned that I have gone too far! Nothing seems to rile me. I don't worry about ANYTHING (even things that a "normal" person should worry about). It feels LAZY to me.

So here is my question. Is it possible to accept and surrender too much?

peaceteach

Nope. Never! At least not in my book. I tell myself I have years of the opposite to make up for - lol!

And I absolutely LOVE this thread.

LaTeeDa

No, I don't think so either. But, since I am not there yet, I don't know for sure.

As to your comment about "normal" people and worrying, here is something Eckhart Tolle said in one of his webcasts with Oprah:

"Worry pretends to be necessary.."

"worry serves no purpose because it doesn't get you anywhere...it serves no useful purpose... no matter how much you worry it does not bring about change...it is much like complaining..."

So, you can be "normal" and worry, or you can be at peace.

L

miss communicat

thanks everybody for a positive, affirming thread.

grateful to have you all in my world!

CatsPajamas

ditto !

DesertEyes

Wonderful thread, thanx for all the wonderful posts.

I'm the high-strung, triple-A personality too. I dunno if it's genetic, or where it came from, but it was highly influenced by my alcoholic parents. They accepted _everything_. Never lifted a finger for their own lives or anybody else. As I grew up I was determined I would _never_ be like them, so I became "over-responsible". I accepted _nothing_ and did everything in my power to change things to my liking.

The serenity prayer is what made sense to me. I'm only supposed to accept those things I am not able to change. Now that was a :wtf2 moment for me. I had not doubt that I could change _anything_ if I just applied myself to it. One of my sponsors explained to me that the serenity prayer is said _forwards_, but in real life it works _backwards_. I have to get "the wisdom to know the difference" _first_, and then the other two parts of the prayer will happen.

My AAA personality is _not_ the problem. My problem is that I lack the wisdom to know _when_ to keep that bulldozer personality locked up and when to let it loose. By listening to other pepole in my program of recovery is how I have obtained a little bit of wisdom.

As far as a concrete example, here's the one that got my attention and _finally_ made it clear to me. I have a disease called "Autonomic Neuropathy", which means that the nerves in the center of my body are slowly withering away. In turn that makes my heart and lungs slowly fail. The docs have me on several meds, which work pretty good, but every so often something gets out of whack, I get a nasty heart attack, and wind up in the ICU for a few days... or weeks.

This one time I was in the ER. Having a monster of a heart attack. The pain was beyond description. My whole body was convulsing and I was flopping around like a fish outta water. The docs were pumping me full of who knows what, everybody was yelling and running around. The pain stopped and as I struggled for air I prayed that God would stop the pain. If He is going to take me I would appreciate it very much if He just got it over with. Torturing me like this is not fair.

I had another heart attack. And another. And another. Each one ever more painful. More screaming and yelling, more stuff getting pumped into me. Then it stopped, long enough for the docs to get some oxygen in me before the next one started. I started getting an ugly resentment against my HP. If He wants me dead that bad He is perfectly capable of doing it without torturing me with a string of heart attacks. This was not unly unfair, it was cruel.

For reasons I can not explain, a line from recovery popped into my head. I remembered someone sharing that they had quit praying for things they wanted, and instead prayed for _other_ people. That the point of recovery is not to get all kinds of good things in _my_ life, but to _be_ the kind of person that is a good thing in other people's lives.

So I tried that. I stopped praying for the pain to go away. I just said fine, if it's gonna hurt lets just accept that. I started praying for all the people I knew that were going thru hardship in their lives. While I still had a few minutes left on this earth I can do something constructive and pray for others.

Whadya know. The heart attacks stopped. Just like that. A few days later I regained consciousness in the ICU. My cardiologist, who's one of the top dogs in medicine, says I'm the luckiest man he's ever known. There is no medical explanation for why my heart still works, never mind the rest of me. I told the doc that he's right, I am the luckiest man around. I got lucky and figured out this whole "serenity prayer" before it was too late.

Mike

CatsPajamas

PSSSST Mike. I am so glad you're still here to share your stuff with us. Just think what wonderful things your HP must have in store for you.

LOVE
Cats

LaTeeDa

I've learned that acceptance doesn't always mean doing nothing. I believe that even taking action towards the things I can change is much more effective when coming from a place of acceptance. For me, accepting what is has become the best way to change the things I can.

L

Barbara52

Thank you very much for that. It clicked in my head and some things I've been struggling with became much clearer.

Kindeyes

LTD
Perhaps that is where I am somehow. When I approach things from a position of acceptance, it is JUST SO MUCH EASIER!!!! I guess that's why it feels "lazy". Forcing things with the attitude of "I can change anything" is very very difficult work.

Thanks for that insight. You hit the nail on the head!

hugs

abcdefg

Holy crap.

Not to be melodramatic but this thread is, in a spiritual sense, saving my life tonight. Pray for OTHERS. Yes, yes, yes. BE the change you want to SEE. Yes, yes, yes. Be of service. Yes, yes, yes.

I think I've been trying to do "everything right," or well or better or some such s**t and it's just turned into a huge mess.

I've been trying to grant MYSELF the priceless gift of serenity, to restore MYSELF to sanity...trying to force solutions in that way LTD described: okay, i accept it, now let's change it.

that is terribly old pre-recovery behavior/thinking and it seriously will kill me. maybe not in one day -- not the way mike described his heart attacks (god love you) -- but it will kill me by taking me down a road of despair where, eventually, the only solution I HAVE is the ultimate act of self-will.

i don't know. i don't want to get ahead of myself. i have been struggling SO much and some light is seeping through the cracks in the past couple of days. but my self will was "activated" and with me that's like an A taking a drink. once i'm drunk on my own (distorted perception of my) power, i can't put it down. it completely takes over and my HP gets kicked to the curb in a way that is so painful for me yet i don't see it.

this thread just... i don't know some light bulbs went off here. thanks to all who are sharing on this topic.

i'm wrestling with the phrase "restore me to sanity." i don't even know what sanity means right now -- probably because i think i have to know before i can be restored to it?!?!?!

see. cunning, baffling, powerful.

i don't need to know s--t about the definition of sanity. i only need to do the things -- the very elemental, simple things -- that program teaches me that have worked literally thousands of times before and get out of the way of my HP.

but for some reason this is very muddled right now. i want to let go but something in me is fighting it.

i don't get it. i see that it's not working. what is keeping me from letting go?

f--k.

i don't know.

peaceteach

(((Abcdefg))),

Brutally honest, sister. Ego can be so self-destructive, and truly tests my faith as well. I know what you mean by HP getting kicked to the curb and not realizing you are allowing that to happen. You have such a faith in the program from what I've witnessed here. I know you are undoubtedly stepping up your meetings time and will get right back to your beautiful, accepting ways.

You know, just allowing this thread to have such a profound impact on you today is HP, I think. Keep it simple, girl. Tough to do when you have such an active mind. But I think we've experienced how well acceptance and surrender does work. Sometimes we just need to get smacked upside the head with a little reminder! SR is such an excellent place for just that.

This has been a brilliantly helpful thread for me as well. I think I need to run out and buy a bracelet saying "accept and surrender" so I don't forget and let my ego take over as well

GiveLove

This is an great thread for me as well. I'm still muddling along myself, but I can share something that was like a whack on the side of the head with a shovel (a good one)

I do a lot of reading (duh!) and I often pick and choose bits of peoples' philosophies that are helpful to me. So while I don't buy 100% into Byron Katie's thing about "loving what is," I do buy into this: What would you be if you didn't have this pain/rage/urge to control? What would your opinion be of yourself if you just stopped?

She takes it to an extreme: What would you be if you didn't talk about your cancer all the time? What would you be if your life was suddenly happy? How would you feel about yourself if you were just able to accept that your husband is an alcoholic? What would you be losing out on by doing this?

Her point is that we hang on to things because we're getting something -- usually something BIG -- out of hanging on to them, and if we can see what we're getting out of it, it's a hell of a lot easier to stop doing it.

Specifically, for me, I came to realize that if I just let go, accepted what I couldn't change, and surrendered to what life offered, I thought less of myself. If I couldn't exert my power to change things, I felt weak and whiny and useless, like Hercules without his hair.

Even worse, I realized that if I were to be able to state, unequivocally, "Yep, I am a happy person and I have a really awesome life," that I'd see myself as stupid and ridiculous, like a dumb cartoon of someone walking through life with this clueless grin on their face, dull and uninteresting. I couldn't possibly be happy, let alone admit it, because my unhappiness was so big a part of my personality and my power. My angst was living proof what an interesting and world-weary person I was. Hanging around other tormented souls was the only way I knew, because they "got" me, and no one else understood my pain.

For me, that kept me locked in a prison for decades. Now that I'm out, I can see that the stupid door never even had a lock, the windows had no bars.

Learning acceptance, and what it means to ME, has been such a freeing experience. What is it you'll be losing by letting go of trying to change everything to fit YOUR life preferences? Always a good question....

Happy week, everybody
GL