RobinBird

Hello! My name is Robin and I've just joined to get some ideas, help and support in dealing with (or not dealing with) my 23-year old daughter.

I'll try to make a long story short: She had been in AA several years ago and was doing well for over a year. I have driven her to hundreds and hundreds of meetings, some I attended with her. Eventually she "went out" after deciding to see if she was really an alcoholic or had just been a really dumb teenager.

She has struggled for several years now, trying to work and live on her own. My DH and I have tried to help by encouraging her, working on a budget with her, discussing issues and what her life could look like if she would learn to be on time and not mouth-off to her bosses. We've given her money and loans, which she has never repaid. She has turned down our offers of education and a place to live because she doesn't like our "house rules" (no pets, no smoking, no alcohol in the house, no drugs in the house, no men sleeping over, pay rent, work full time or go to school and work part-time, etc.)

Over the years (and via all the AA meetings) I've learned a lot about myself, enabling, alcoholism, and in 2005 after being single for almost 20 years, I made a new life for myself, met and married a wonderful man who I thank God for every day.

Since then her drinking has increased, and although she denies having a problem she is drunk several times a week, cannot hold down a job nor maintain relationships unless they are her circle of friends who party and drink with her. She lives in a terrible neighborhood, has never paid her rent on time, and is constantly being threatened with eviction. She recently admitted to me that she has started using drugs again, and I feel constantly manipulated and badgered with her never-ending drama and crisis-du-jour.

We have withdrawn support over time and finally have learned to say no to her requests for money. We pay her health insurance and have recently come to the realization that we don't want her to live here, she is just too disruptive, rude, upsetting. And after the last go-round of giving her money and it all being squandered, we have cut her off and are discussing a deadline when we will stop paying her health insurance and let whatever happens, happen.

The last 48 hours have been extremely hard. After quitting her last job over a month ago, she has no money and no food and is calling asking for help. I reminded her about our last discussion, how even I have limits, and that I have reached them, and how we will no longer help her destroy her life. I've told her that I think she should go back to AA, along with all of her friends. I've offered to go with her. She tells me I'm crazy and wrong, that she has no problem, but that I am a bad mother. She begs and cries, reminds me that she is "only 23" and says she is hungry and has no food. I keep saying no, it is tearing me apart. I can't sleep, I toss and turn and envision my child in that horrible apartment starving. And yet, she always seems to find time, energy and resources to meet her friends at "the bar" and get drunk.

That's about it, I found this site looking for answers, and I will continue to read the posts. I'm grateful to have found the site and have read a lot so far that is very helpful.

LogCabin

Sounds like she needs a detox program. If it were me in your shoes...I would tell her that you will only help her get into a medical detox program, and that she must do 30 days. If she says, "No" or leaves the program before the 30 days are up...t then I would tell her that you are no longer going to talk to her or help her in any way.

I know this sounds hard, but you will be saving her life...and no longer helping her destroy it.

Once she is in the program...then you can call her and tell her you love her and are so proud of her. But now...you need to be strong. She is manipulating you right now. It is what us addicts do best of all.

AW2486

I was at an AA meeting tonight and my sponsors son was there. He now has 2 yrs sobriety. He was exactly like your daughter, but on meth.

My sponsor had to cut off everything too and it tore him up bad.. but he stuck to his guns and kept praying .. knowing his son might die from addiction.

One day .. his son without any more options .. got tired of being sick and tired and wanted treatment, and the miracle happened.

I pray for you and your daughter that the miracle will happen.

grateful2b

Hi Robin, welcome to SR!
I am a mom of a 24 yr AD
good for you and your husband, for having a united front where you AD is concerned and realizing that you need to let go and let her fix her life..
so hard but best thing you can do at this point..
glad you have found us...this is a great place..lots of support and wisdom
looking forward to hearing more from you all ...
grateful

tommyk

It must be really, really hard.

But you've got to let her find her own 'bottom'.

I do not envy you and your situation, but don't enable her anymore.

23 years old is time to start caring for one's self (in my opinion).

serenityqueen

Welcome to SR Robin.

It sounds to me that you are doing everything you can do to help you daughter, even though it may not seem that way.

You've set boundaries with her and it sounds as though you are serious about sticking to them.

I encourage you to stay strong and I'll keep you and your family in my Prayers as well as Pray that your daughter finds her way back to Recovery very soon.

God Bless & Thank God . . . Just for Today,
Judy

Ananda

I relate...i think you are a very strong person...i have no strenght and hope to add, because i am still living in the problem on this one.....I'll read your thread with interest as maybe it will help me too. thx.

Impurrfect

(((Robin)))

I'm glad you found SR. You may also want to check out the friends&family/substance abusers or alcoholics....lots of parents going through the same thing.

That being said, I think you are doing what is best for you and your daughter. I'm a recovering addict, and didn't even THINK about recovery until I ran out of options and ended up in jail.

I lived on the streets, and managed to "survive" just fine on my own. We addicts can figure out how to get what we want. She's using the "I'm hungry" to manipulate you. If she can find money for alcohol and drugs, she can use it for food. When I was using, there wasn't much of a choice...I rarely ate.

I can't imagine how hard it is to stick to your boundaries, but that's exactly what will help you keep your sanity and her hit her bottom.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

laurie6781

First let me say WELCOME to SR, you have found a great place with lots of good folks.

Here is the link to our Friends and Family of alcoholics forum:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ly-alcoholics/

Now I am going to tell you a story of what happened to me.

My folks helped me (enabled) and helped me (enabled) until Jan. '79 when I was 33 1/2 years old. At that time they finally said ENOUGH. "If you call on the phone we will hang up, and if you come to the door it will be closed in your face." And they stuck to their boundaries.

It took me another 2 1/2 years to find recovery, 1 1/2 of those on the streets of Hollyweird.

Would I have gotten sober and clean sooner if they had given me an ultimatum sooner? I don't know, but I think so. After I had been in recovery for 2 or 3 years and Mom and I could finally talk civilally to each other she told me that they had reached the end of their rope and just absolutely knew if they did not cut ALL TIES with me, that they were going to end up in padded rooms at the local nut ward.

She's hungry? yeah right! There are plenty of places in LA for free food, and the Salvation Army has a GREAT recovery program! and its FREE. This is MANIPULATION on her part.

Yes, this is hard for you. I would suggest that you find some alanon meetings for you. Go for you. They will give you the tools to set your BOUNDARIES. They will help you to embed the 3 C's into the very core of your being:

You didn't CAUSE it,

You can't CONTROL it, and

You can't CURE it.

Check out our friends and familys of alcoholics forum. There are some great 'stickys' at the top for reading, and some really great people in that forum.

BTW I am 27 years sober and clean, and after very STRONG NUDGING from my AA sponsor also have 24 years in Alanon.

Your daughter will have to decide for herself when she is ready, when she has had enough, enabling her, and giving in is only prolonging her HELL in addiction.

J M H O

Plese keep posting and let us know how you are doing, we do care very much.

Love and hugs,

mle-sober

Robin,

I feel for you. Your story sounds excruciatingly painful. I know that the conventional wisdom is to break away from doing anything for the addict/acloholic so that they have a chance to really experience the consequences of their actions. Any type of protecting them from that is actually a disservice to them. I know that's what they say. At the same time, I can imagine that would be very, very hard.

I kind of like LogCabin's suggestion that you offer to pay for a 30 day inhouse detox/rehab. And you act loving and supportive of her efforts during that time. But I would add that you would specify that this is a one-time offer and once it's over, it's over. She needs to pick up the pieces from there. Meaning, I don't think you should offer to put her through rehab a second time.

If she were to go into inpatient rehab, there would most likely be family sessions where you could talk to her about how horrible you feel and hopefully, she would be sober and able to hear it.

Anyway, I would be very torn up inside about this if it were me and I sympathize with you very much. I don't pretend to have any right answers - am just brain storming.

My prayers are with you. Also, I'm hoping that you are finding a place in Al-anon for yourself that helps you.

- MLE

LogCabin

Since she still has medical insurance many companies do pay for programs. But they also request a co-pay so you don't have to foot the entire bill.

RobinBird

I am overwhelmed by your honest and supportive responses! Really, it means so much to me to hear your stories and have your input. Thank you so much.

I realize now that she hasn't hit bottom, and that she has to decide for herself that she wants her life to change. We will certainly be there for her when she does, and I think at that point the offer of a detox program might be doable (I will check with the insurance company also).

I think that tonight I will finally get some sleep feeling reassured that I'm doing the right things, even if the right thing means doing nothing. I can see hope for the future, and acceptance if she chooses a path of self-destruction.

It's so nice to know that many of you have been in the same situation as her, and come through it. Thanks again,

-Robin

sct

I tend to be kind of harsh (in general) on kids who are running along on their parents good graces and money well into their 20's.

I had a friend offer to let me stay with her for a while when I had nowhere else to go- provided I could keep my nose clean. I didn't, and she took to locking me out of the apartment until I could stay clean. It meant I did a lot of blacking out in alleys or at random people's houses, but I thank God she did that, because that's what it took for me to get clean.

Your daughter is 23 years old. That's old enough to take care of herself, and deal with the consequences of her actions. If that means getting fired for being late- then that's what it means. "Only 23" is a ******** guilt trip. People can, and have, gotten their lives and their heads straight and are younger than she is. I'm one of them.

Rusty Zipper

RB how resourseful we could be, amazeing!

the payback blows tho...

good wishes for the both of you RB

zip

least

I agree that you should cut the ties and stop enabling her. When she's ready to get clean and sober then she can talk to you. The rehab offer sounds wonderful. But she would have to know it's a one time offer.

I send you prayers and hugs cause I know what you're going thru. :ghug3:praying

marle

My daughter just recently went to a rehab and is now in a half way house. She is 22 and a heroin addict. She has spent the last 2+ years living with a man who is 17 years older than her, makes a 6 figure income and willingly bought her all the heroin she wanted. I really did not believe that she would ever find a bottom and that she would die of her disease. But she got sick and tired of being sick and tired. I had to turn my back on her. I had to let go and let God have her. I prayed everyday. I grieved for the relationship that I had lost. But when I could I let her know that I loved her and that we would be here when she wanted recovery. Things are still not perfect and I realize that this is just the beginning of a long journey for her, but I have hope. And I try to take it one day at a time. Prayers for your daughter and for you and your family. There really is nothing you can do for her until she wants it. So take care of yourself since you are the only person you can change. Hugs, Marle

22NGONE

Mom,

You are taking the correct course of action in my opinion, love hurts but you are doing her no good by continuing to enable her. Good luck.

John

beegee

You came to a helpful place here. Listening to these posts and knowing that some of these people have been where your daughter is, to me me is the biggest eye opener to stop enabling. It is hard, it breaks your heart, you hear them crying and saying I am hungry mom please I love you, but they tell you what you want to hear to get afoot in the door. Happy your husband is strong with you. My daughter is starting a rehab program in a few days after she is clean for a week. I pray for you and family, stay strong and remember they will always find a way if you help them. I am learning that here. Help her into detox only. ((hugs))

Hevyn

Hi RobinBird. We ask ourselves how the "right" answer can be the one that seems the most implausible - refusing to help our child. It goes against everything we're about as parents from the time they're born. Every one of the responses you've received are wonderful & I agree, nothing will change until you stop picking up her pieces. For decades people tip-toed around my drinking problems - family, co-workers, friends. No one wanted to hurt my feelings or upset me. My long drinking career was never interrupted until I had racked up 3 DUI's, was forced in to de-tox, spent 8 days in jail, ruined credit, destroyed or badly damaged relationships, the list is long. I had to discover on my own the hell my life had become and what the true cause of it was. Even when the light dawned, it took me a few more years to rid myself of the poison. By dealing with this now - and in the way you are planning - you may help her prevent a long and tortured trip to hell that could drag on into middle age as it did with me. Bless you for having the courage to take this stand.

RobinBird

Yes, you are right and I thank all of you for your honesty and even bluntness! (I've been accused of being rather blunt myself, so I can relate.) And I keep quoting to myself and my family what someone said here, that by enabling her we are helping her stay in hell. That says it all. Thank you everyone so much!