SO I made it today
Looking For Myself...Sober
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
SO I made it today
To IOP.
I didnt think I was going to make it because my gas light has been on for 2 days.
But I said screw it. As long as I make it there. Thats all that matters.
If I run out on the way back. Good. Then the long ass walk would give me plenty time to think about exactly why I couldnt get gas to begin with.
Self punishment I guess. But I deserve it. My family is pretty much done helping me. And I dont blame them a bit.
I need to be able to face my own consequences for once anyway.
So anyway..I did make it there AND back. Thank the HP or whatever it is looking out for me.
So I start Monday going 5 days a week.
I really liked the counselor. She was nice and very involved. Not just asking questions and writing stuff down. She found me interesting she said.
Who would have thought. Me interesting. At least she didnt almost faint like the last one who was horrified at every answer I gave.
I really pushed that one over the edge when I showed her my scars from last year. Ok so I have a little mean streak. Sorry. I felt like a freak show when that lady was interviewing me.,
Today the counselor was awesome. She was very interested in all my answers and had alot of input in just the intake.
She says I show signs of depression. And I know I always say I am not a depressed person. But she said you dont have to be holed up in bed and mopey to be depressed.
She said soemone like em who is pretty upbeat and humorous can be depressed as well. I guess I just dont get that. But I guess maybe I should start listening to people and stop diagnosing myself.
Probably will have a job by next week.
Grams seems ok.'
But I cant really think about hers or anyone elses opinions or approval at this point. This is for me beacause of me this round.
I dont think she is too concerned with my recovery anyway. As long as I get a job and pay some bills. Sad to say but thats where her mind is always at.
I think I have said that before. She is all about money alot.
Oh well. I know she loves me too and want s whats best. But she isnt the best support system at the moment.
I need to get to these groups and get to meetings and find a sense of belonging. Thats alot of my problem too. I do need to be around and form relationships with other people other than my family. Especially ones just like me who really understand what I am going through. I do get so very lonely alot.
Anyway. That was my day.
This is my new plan.
And if it wasnt for all of you always and I mean always willing to support me. Whether it be in a comforting way or even a kick in the ass way . I appreciate it all and love you guys.
And I am very sorry for being so morbid and depressing a few days ago. I know that worried alot of people and I am sorry.
So start another try. And this time I will be putting alot more effort in.
I didnt think I was going to make it because my gas light has been on for 2 days.
But I said screw it. As long as I make it there. Thats all that matters.
If I run out on the way back. Good. Then the long ass walk would give me plenty time to think about exactly why I couldnt get gas to begin with.
Self punishment I guess. But I deserve it. My family is pretty much done helping me. And I dont blame them a bit.
I need to be able to face my own consequences for once anyway.
So anyway..I did make it there AND back. Thank the HP or whatever it is looking out for me.
So I start Monday going 5 days a week.
I really liked the counselor. She was nice and very involved. Not just asking questions and writing stuff down. She found me interesting she said.
Who would have thought. Me interesting. At least she didnt almost faint like the last one who was horrified at every answer I gave.
I really pushed that one over the edge when I showed her my scars from last year. Ok so I have a little mean streak. Sorry. I felt like a freak show when that lady was interviewing me.,
Today the counselor was awesome. She was very interested in all my answers and had alot of input in just the intake.
She says I show signs of depression. And I know I always say I am not a depressed person. But she said you dont have to be holed up in bed and mopey to be depressed.
She said soemone like em who is pretty upbeat and humorous can be depressed as well. I guess I just dont get that. But I guess maybe I should start listening to people and stop diagnosing myself.
Probably will have a job by next week.
Grams seems ok.'
But I cant really think about hers or anyone elses opinions or approval at this point. This is for me beacause of me this round.
I dont think she is too concerned with my recovery anyway. As long as I get a job and pay some bills. Sad to say but thats where her mind is always at.
I think I have said that before. She is all about money alot.
Oh well. I know she loves me too and want s whats best. But she isnt the best support system at the moment.
I need to get to these groups and get to meetings and find a sense of belonging. Thats alot of my problem too. I do need to be around and form relationships with other people other than my family. Especially ones just like me who really understand what I am going through. I do get so very lonely alot.
Anyway. That was my day.
This is my new plan.
And if it wasnt for all of you always and I mean always willing to support me. Whether it be in a comforting way or even a kick in the ass way . I appreciate it all and love you guys.
And I am very sorry for being so morbid and depressing a few days ago. I know that worried alot of people and I am sorry.
So start another try. And this time I will be putting alot more effort in.
in the hopes that you'll stick with it this time;-)
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Trish)))
I was just wondering how you were! I'm glad you made it to IOP and that you like the counselor...it makes a HUGE difference when we "click" with someone..especially when that someone can help us!
I'm glad you're listening and not going to depend on your self-diagnosis. Heck, I've got years of being a nurse, and I'm not worth a damn at self-diagnosis! I can't tell you all the times I've come here, posted about something that was bothering me and everyone else could see what it was (depression, fear, trying to control something uncontrollable).
Good luck on the job. I'm trying to find a 2nd one and it's not going so great.
As far as grams, I think that you've accepted how she is. You know she loves you, and that's what matters the most.
Keep us posted, and keep putting that one foot in front of the other.
I'm like anvil...don't make me drive up there and kick your butt...can't afford the gas
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I was just wondering how you were! I'm glad you made it to IOP and that you like the counselor...it makes a HUGE difference when we "click" with someone..especially when that someone can help us!
I'm glad you're listening and not going to depend on your self-diagnosis. Heck, I've got years of being a nurse, and I'm not worth a damn at self-diagnosis! I can't tell you all the times I've come here, posted about something that was bothering me and everyone else could see what it was (depression, fear, trying to control something uncontrollable).
Good luck on the job. I'm trying to find a 2nd one and it's not going so great.
As far as grams, I think that you've accepted how she is. You know she loves you, and that's what matters the most.
Keep us posted, and keep putting that one foot in front of the other.
I'm like anvil...don't make me drive up there and kick your butt...can't afford the gas
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,564
I'm thrilled, Chiy - & having a good counselor this time will be huge. By the way, I've always thought you were interesting too - in a good way. Your post put a big smile on my face. Thanks!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Recovery
Posts: 3,229
Trish,
I am sooo proud of you!!
I know you can do this. You are taking great steps.
My life started turning around last year when I went to IOP. Put all you can into it and take this opportunity to learn and grow. You will be amazed at how great it feels to really begin to dig into this recovery stuff and grow. I am continually amazed daily. Always learning and growing.
My grandma sounds a lot like yours. She always has bills and money on the brain. I do know she wants the best for me and she wants me to be sober as I know your grams wants for you too.
I'm glad that you are going to IOP! Make the most of this opportunity!
You have a purpose in this life. Keep fighting for it! You are not alone... we are all pulling for you!
I am sooo proud of you!!
I know you can do this. You are taking great steps.
My life started turning around last year when I went to IOP. Put all you can into it and take this opportunity to learn and grow. You will be amazed at how great it feels to really begin to dig into this recovery stuff and grow. I am continually amazed daily. Always learning and growing.
My grandma sounds a lot like yours. She always has bills and money on the brain. I do know she wants the best for me and she wants me to be sober as I know your grams wants for you too.
I'm glad that you are going to IOP! Make the most of this opportunity!
You have a purpose in this life. Keep fighting for it! You are not alone... we are all pulling for you!
Attitude of Gratitude
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Dayton, Ohio
Posts: 2,305
Trish, I thank you for the tears of Gratitude that are running down my face now!
I see so much hope in you today. You're not coming on here like you have in the past, putting on the "happy face" saying that you have control of your addiction now and that you are just fine. For me, fine is a f*cked up, insecure, neurotic excuse for saying you have no idea what the hell is going on in your life. I had to hit my rock bottom and part of that was admitting that I had no idea how to stay clean and sober . . . because I didn't! My way had failed me miserably for so many years.
I'm also glad to see that you are no longer putting Grams on a pedestal, seeing that not only is she not perfect, no one expects you or anyone else to be either. Us addicts tend to have unrealistic expectations of others and when we see that they aren't perfect, we can be let down. Please don't think I am saying anything negative about Grams, she has been such a Blessing in your life, we all know that. Just remember, she's human . . . just like you are. . . . .just like we all are. My Mom is from the same old school of money, money, money. I remember several times when I said I was going into detox to once again try to stay clean, one of the first things out of her mouth was,"Oh my God, how are you going to pay for . . . . ?" Sure, we need to be responsible and think about these things, but just like today with your gas tank, I truly believe that when we are doing our best and trying to make a better life for ourselves, God handles things for us. You mentioned something about having a job by next week, why don't you just get a get well job. . . a job with little stress and responsibility (ha ha) something just enough to put gas in the car to get you back and forth and make your car pmt. For many people, having money in their pocket is a trigger.
I am so happy that you left the facility in such hopeful spirits. You have made my week, Trish. Just seeing you feeling like there is hope after all is one of the greatest gifts of Recovery that us addicts/alcoholics will ever receive.
And for that . . . I thank you.
Much love,
Judy
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,778
Glad your counselor is a decent person and easy to talk with. It helps a lot to have trust and confidence in the person helping you. You do sound a lot better than you had. I'm glad you're feeling better!
:ghug
:ghug
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Posts: 12,136
Thanks for the generous share, Trish. I'm proud of you for taking action. Keep on doing the next right thing for your recovery, and I promise that your life will change in ways that you had only dreamed of. I'm behind you all the way.
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