I don't understand?

Old 06-12-2008, 02:15 AM
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I don't understand?

I'm feeling really crappy about myself. Xabf is doing good financially. He has a great new job, that is paying him a lot. He just bought a brand new truck, laptop, etc etc. All the things he never would buy for himself when we were together. When we were together he was working a dead end job, and never tried to better himself, until after I broke it off with him.

I admit I am envious, as when we were together I paid for a lot of things, and we always took my car because his was such a POS. Now all of a sudden he is doing great.

I guess I expected him to go downhill and start to hit bottom, but since I left him he is doing a lot better. It makes me wonder if it was me...??

Why did he not want better for himself when he was with me? It just makes me so angry and hurt after he treated me so bad and all the things I did for him.

Last edited by lexusgirl; 06-12-2008 at 02:33 AM.
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Old 06-12-2008, 02:30 AM
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(((Lex)))

It wasn't you.

I know this hurts...been there, done that. I, too, felt envious at first, but eventually realized that everyone deserves to enjoy life...even if they hurt me and made me miserable! I was furious that he would do so well without me, after all I'd done for him and put up with. Then I remembered he didn't do anything that I didn't allow. It was hard to admit that, but it was true in my situation.

If he still has his old behaviors, it doesn't matter how much he makes or what he buys..he's still not going to be happy.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy
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Old 06-12-2008, 02:34 AM
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Wink

Hey, we really wouldn't be human if that didn't hurt a bit. I'm sure it wasn;t you and I expect the same thing when my ah gets over his pity party and anger he's going thru. I really rocked his world, his routine etc. is not the same of course and he is pissed.. I haven't blown up or anything or made any undo conversation about this with him..he just says stuff like whatever, when I have to call..which is about 1 time a week he answers, WHAT? Your first reaction is probably wanting to call him on his new found greatness...but, you would just be giving him what he wants to hear and you in the long run would feel bad about letting him in to your brain so...don't react. Trucks and money are fleeting objects in this life.. peace, trust and love and respect are so much more valuable!!!! And of course, you already know that so poooooooooooooooo to him!!!!!!!
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Old 06-12-2008, 02:41 AM
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Lexus, of course it hurts!

However, we are talking about an addict.

Sounds like he's taken on a LOT OF PAYMENTS, and we all know what will happen to those payments.

Just sit back and wait, and watch as all 'the stuff' gets repoed.

Some of the addict thinking is "I'll show him/her. I can control this. I'm not an alkie/addict. etc"

However, no matter how good his job is, the money will end up going for his DOC and he will loose all his 'stuff.'

So............................................give yourself permission to feel the hurt, then get on with the business of living each day to the fullest for you.

Try and be honest and remember the reasons why you wanted him gone. This will make the hurt less.

Please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing, we do care very much!

Love and hugs,
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Old 06-12-2008, 04:10 AM
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Ahhhhhhh what Laurie said !!!!!!!!!!!

I used to and sometimes still will think like this hun:

What we had and what he has now:

Now / Back when we were married

New house / Older and a fixer upper
More land / We only had 7 acres
No kid responsibilities / We always had kids under foot
Party time Party time / We never had the $ for parties


Then reality came to me late one night and it went like this:

He only has a house not a HOME
Look at that 13 acres......not one tree or shrub......we had (and I still do) 3 acres of woods with a nice creek, a one acre pond......a large pool....and a decently kept home.
And when the kids are home and one usually is they all say how much nicer it is here cuz Dad's NOT here anymore causing fights and being drunk.
As for the parties.....I have cookouts with friends almost once or twice a month. And no one gets drunk....now THATS a party....fishing, swimming and laughing.

Just for the record hunny.......its not my home's deed that he driving with on the hood of his truck every day.....it's HERS......but then she drinks and drives as well. Soooo. Does he have a better life now????? NO WAY.....not even close.

You will come to the realization that he is only trying to show YOU what he wants YOU to think YOU missed out on......and guess what.....HE HE HE will be the loser of all time because HE lost YOU......wait and see.....time tells all.
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Old 06-12-2008, 05:10 AM
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((((lexusgirl))))
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Old 06-12-2008, 05:10 AM
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Originally Posted by freeflower View Post
so poooooooooooooooo to him!!!!!!!
I second that post!
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Old 06-12-2008, 06:21 AM
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Why do you choose to focus on him, what things he has and what he is doing? What does this provide for you? What needs are you fulfilling by putting your focus on him rather than yourself?

He is your X for some very good reasons.

Do you compare the quality of your life to those around you to decide whether you are in a good place? Can you try to change to focus to yourself and decide whether you and you alone are happy with the way your life is headed? Can you cut the ties to your X and put the focus back on yourself without comparisons?

I find that minding my side of the street is much more productive and healing. I do not rate my level of satisfaction based on where anyone else is or what they have. I find it much easier to maintain my serenity and growth by keeping my focus on me.
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Old 06-12-2008, 07:30 AM
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Hey Lexusgirl! I've been wondering how you've been doing. It does hurt to see them doing well after they are gone. My STBXAH just went out and bought car seats for the kids so he could take them to church on Sunday (he NEVER wanted to go to church when he was here). He's making plans to go to the beach with his parents over the summer (he HATES the beach and would NOT go with me and the boys this year). He's acting all responsible and good - like a dad might act. Shocker!

So when I heard about the church thing yesterday, it really hurt me. I couldn't let go of it at first. Then I started to remember - oh yeah - I asked him to leave because he was making ME miserable. Even if it looks good on the outside, I know that if we were back together it would be cr#p. I think you know that too, but it's still hard to think they are "better" and not take it personally. You are not responsible for him, and since you aren't with him on a daily basis, you don't really *know* what's going on...really going on. It's too easy to put on a smiling face and buy new things, but to feel like a shytty person inside.

You need to take off those rose colored glasses and take a look at the good things YOU have.
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Old 06-12-2008, 08:15 AM
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(((((Lex)))))

sorry you're hurting, hon,
I'd like to echo Laurie on this...
I love how honest you are ..
but it was not about you,
just keep remembering why you left....
keep the focus on you
they are just toys, not any real indication of how well he is doing.....
it will all come out in the wash
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Old 06-12-2008, 08:18 AM
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My STBX worked 3-6 months a year for the last 8 years of our marriage (took voluntary layoff and refused to move to another position in his company with more work), bragged to his relatives about how he was "semi-retired" and when he did work would take unpaid days off to nurse his hangovers and only worked 35 hours a week. Last year he worked 9 months but only out of fear (I told him I was going to divorce him if he didn't sober up AND work year round, I admit that I wanted to prove that he was capable of supporting himself so he would not get alimony). He now must work at least 40 hours a week year round and is out spending all kinds of money he does not have (still drinking like a fish, buying motorcycles, getting credit cards etc). It all looks good from the outside (that's what they want) but I know from experience that he will crash and burn sooner than later.
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Old 06-12-2008, 08:48 AM
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Lex i could have written your post! I would spend countless hours trying to figure out how he got "exactly what he wanted and life was great". Slowly i started to realize that none of that mattered. I knew the truth, i knew the reality of how his life truly is. There may be some outside changes you see in your exabf but who knows what's truly going inside and behind closed doors. Anyone can paint a pretty picture on the outside.

Keep the focus on you! Once i forced and i mean forced myself to do that good things are happening for me. My life today as opposed to a year ago today are such extreme opposites. Keep trudging through to the other side. You WILL make it and you WILL be so happy that you are out of the chaos and so much happier with your life.

No one could tell me a thing a year ago....today i truly believe. You deserve the world and that's what you will get.....keep the focus on you.

:ghug3
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Old 06-12-2008, 10:58 AM
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Thank you all for your replies:ghug2:ghug2

I do agree with a lot of what has been said. And I feel I have more focus on me then I have had in a long time. Maybe not totally where I want to be, but that will take time.

I guess what bothers me most, is that I'm struggling, really struggling, financially, emotionally, and mentally with the thing with my son, as well as grieiving the break up. He just seems to have an easy life, going out and buying a brand new truck, and three months ago he couldn't even pay his bills. His credit is bad, so don't even want to know how he got this truck.

But he is usually laid off for six months out of the year, so yes buying a new truck was a really bad move on his part, and like always he wasn't thinking ahead. I guess I'm glad I won't be around when it gets repoed.
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Old 06-12-2008, 11:11 AM
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Originally Posted by lexusgirl View Post
Thank you all for your replies:ghug2:ghug2

I guess what bothers me most, is that I'm struggling, really struggling, financially, emotionally, and mentally with the thing with my son, as well as grieiving the break up. He just seems to have an easy life,

.
yea, Lex, it makes it so much harder...when your child is the one affected...
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Old 06-12-2008, 11:15 AM
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Originally Posted by lexusgirl View Post
I guess what bothers me most, is that I'm struggling, really struggling, financially, emotionally, and mentally with the thing with my son, as well as grieiving the break up.
(((Lex))) it is a grieving process, it takes time. Take a minute to imagine if you had your exabf to deal with in the mix of everything as well. I often think like that, when i'm having a tough time how nice it would be for J to have been there for me. But you know what, if J was there it would have made life hell because of all the drama he brings to a relationship that it would make things a billion times worse.

Keep the focus on you and your son you will get through it, just takes time.
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Old 06-12-2008, 11:22 AM
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Originally Posted by hbb View Post
(((Lex))) it is a grieving process, it takes time. Take a minute to imagine if you had your exabf to deal with in the mix of everything as well. I often think like that, when i'm having a tough time how nice it would be for J to have been there for me. But you know what, if J was there it would have made life hell because of all the drama he brings to a relationship that it would make things a billion times worse.

Keep the focus on you and your son you will get through it, just takes time.
Thanks Heather!

Thats exactly what I've been thinking about the last few days. How hard it would be if xabf was still around through all this with my son. I don't even want to imagine as he'd just want to get away from me and go and drink. So yes I'm thankful he isn't around during these tough times.

Right now I am trying very hard to take care of myself. The issues with my son is taking a huge toll on me and I am just so exhausted.But I will get through it.
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Old 06-12-2008, 11:44 AM
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Lex, how are things going with your son and you?
Have you had a chance to spend more time together?
I know from your posts that this is a rough go...wishing for you both that things will get better in time...
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Old 06-12-2008, 12:15 PM
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I wanted to ask about your son as well. Same questions as grateful. Have you seen him again?

I guess what bothers me most, is that I'm struggling, really struggling, financially, emotionally, and mentally with the thing with my son, as well as grieiving the break up. He just seems to have an easy life, going out and buying a brand new truck, and three months ago he couldn't even pay his bills. His credit is bad, so don't even want to know how he got this truck.
He, like my STBXAH, is putting on a good show for everyone. "See it wasn't really me that was bad in the relationship, it was her (aka people like me and you for our respective A's)". And it sucks to not go screaming from the mountains about how bad he was or how hard you have it right now because of everything you did with him. But, this is my life now. I need to make it into what *I* want it to be. It is/will be a struggle, but we just have to pray that we'll come out on the other side of this with our sanity intake and a more peaceful life. And that we won't be around when the creditors come looking for our A's!
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Old 06-12-2008, 12:38 PM
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And you know all about what's happening in his life because?....

And it has resulted in what?....
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Old 06-12-2008, 01:10 PM
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Originally Posted by lexusgirl View Post
Why did he not want better for himself when he was with me? It just makes me so angry and hurt after he treated me so bad and all the things I did for him.
He didn't need to, you were doing it for him. I think mist alcoholics are pretty selfish, would include myself in that category.
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