unbearable depression and anxiety since I got sober
bona fido dog-lover
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,780
unbearable depression and anxiety since I got sober
I relapsed 8 days ago and have been sober for the last seven. Have been overwhelmed by depression and anxiety since then. Feel like I'm losing what's left of my mind. I know no one can 'fix' this, just had to let it out.:praying
To Life!
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Rhode Island
Posts: 9,293
I'm sorry, Least... 
Have you seen your doctor?
I noticed that you've had quite a few relapses this year. It's been quite a struggle. Are you dual diagnosed?
Dual diagnosed means that a person has both a substance abuse issue and a mental illness. The mental illness could be depression, anxiety disorder, bipolar spectrum disorder or a host of other things. But, they exist together, and one does not cause the other; they are each independent of the other. So, if you stop drinking, for example, the depression and/or anxiety is still there. That mental illness often causes a relapse of the substance abuse if it is not treated.
That is why I ask. Because those with dual diagnoses have a very difficult time staying sober without treatment for both the substance abuse and the mental illness -- AT THE SAME TIME -- from which they suffer. And there is *still* a controversy about that in the MH community about that fact, dispite the research that is quite clear! Indeed, the relapse rate is extremely high if one is not treated for both together.
I'm not saying you *are* dual diagnosed. I'm *asking* if you are.
Have you spoken to your doctor about your depression and anxiety in conjunction with your multiple relapses? I hope you do, and that you get the relief you seek.
In the meantime, please do take care of yourself, physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. It helps.
Let us know how you're doing. We care.
Shalom!
Have you seen your doctor?
I noticed that you've had quite a few relapses this year. It's been quite a struggle. Are you dual diagnosed?
Dual diagnosed means that a person has both a substance abuse issue and a mental illness. The mental illness could be depression, anxiety disorder, bipolar spectrum disorder or a host of other things. But, they exist together, and one does not cause the other; they are each independent of the other. So, if you stop drinking, for example, the depression and/or anxiety is still there. That mental illness often causes a relapse of the substance abuse if it is not treated.
That is why I ask. Because those with dual diagnoses have a very difficult time staying sober without treatment for both the substance abuse and the mental illness -- AT THE SAME TIME -- from which they suffer. And there is *still* a controversy about that in the MH community about that fact, dispite the research that is quite clear! Indeed, the relapse rate is extremely high if one is not treated for both together.
I'm not saying you *are* dual diagnosed. I'm *asking* if you are.
Have you spoken to your doctor about your depression and anxiety in conjunction with your multiple relapses? I hope you do, and that you get the relief you seek.
In the meantime, please do take care of yourself, physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. It helps.
Let us know how you're doing. We care.
Shalom!
bona fido dog-lover
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,780
Yeah, besides my alcoholism (which developed in a period of months!) I've been diagosed depressed, bi polar, and anxiety. Have been diagnosed with depression for over ten years now) Am on meds for all those and am taking them every day but am having a hard time dealing with the feelings that resurfaced since stopping drinking. May be that's why I've kept having relapses. I'm trying hard to make my last relapse my LAST one, as I don't want to keep going thru this roller coaster. But also my situation at present is not peaceful and smooth. I've been unemployed since early this year and having issues with my kids, ages 16, 18, and 20. Too complicated to go into here. Suffice it to say that they are only making things worse for me (and them) with their behavior and attitudes.
Everything is dumped on me; their messes, physical and emotional; all the bills; cleaning up after them; and accomodating their needs. Only one is actually living with me, the 20 yr old is just 'staying' for a while, and using my shower, towels, food, and laundry facility. The youngest is in counseling and living in a private foster home. She still comes over to demand things and whine and harass me about taking her here and there.
I try not to give in to their demands too much but sometimes do just to stop the screaming and nagging.
Yes, I've spoken with my doctor and my shrink about these issues. They are trying to teach me different and better ways of dealing with this crap. But I am old and tired and not learning very easily.
I am just overwhelmed with despair lately and wonder what's the use, what's my reason for being. I don't feel competent or smart and am having a hard time dealing with normal everyday things.
Sorry to be so needy.:praying
Everything is dumped on me; their messes, physical and emotional; all the bills; cleaning up after them; and accomodating their needs. Only one is actually living with me, the 20 yr old is just 'staying' for a while, and using my shower, towels, food, and laundry facility. The youngest is in counseling and living in a private foster home. She still comes over to demand things and whine and harass me about taking her here and there.
I try not to give in to their demands too much but sometimes do just to stop the screaming and nagging.
Yes, I've spoken with my doctor and my shrink about these issues. They are trying to teach me different and better ways of dealing with this crap. But I am old and tired and not learning very easily.
I am just overwhelmed with despair lately and wonder what's the use, what's my reason for being. I don't feel competent or smart and am having a hard time dealing with normal everyday things.
Sorry to be so needy.:praying
Forum Leader
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Scottsdale, AZ, one big happy dysfunctional family!
Posts: 23,051
Originally Posted by least 
I am just overwhelmed with despair lately and wonder what's the use, what's my reason for being. I don't feel competent or smart and am having a hard time dealing with normal everyday things.
It's always helped me to find a reading or meditation that I can relate to, the right words to help me understand where I'm at. This one seemed appropriate....
Saturday, August 2, 2008
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
In Between
Sometimes, to get from where we are to where we are going, we have to be willing to be in between.
One of the hardest parts of recovery is the concept of letting go of what is old and familiar, but what we don't want, and being willing to stand with our hands empty while we wait for God to fill them.
This may apply to feelings. We may have been full of hurt and anger. In some ways, these feelings may have become comfortably familiar. When we finally face and relinquish our grief, we may feel empty for a time. We are in between pain and the joy of serenity and acceptance.
Being in between can apply to relationships. To prepare ourselves for the new, we need to first let go of the old. This can be frightening. We may feel empty and lost for a time. We may feel all alone, wondering what is wrong with us for letting go of the proverbial bird in hand, when there is nothing in the bush.
Being in between can apply to many areas of life and recovery. We can be in between jobs, careers, homes, or goals. We can be in between behaviors as we let go of the old and are not certain what we will replace it with. This can apply to behaviors that have protected and served us well all of our life, such as caretaking and controlling.
We may have many feelings going on when we're in between: spurts of grief about what we have let go of or lost, and feelings of anxiety, fear, and apprehension about what's ahead. These are normal feelings for the in between place. Accept them. Feel them. Release them.
Being in between isn't fun, but it's necessary. It will not last forever. It may feel like we're standing still, but we're not. We're standing at the in between place. it's how we get from here to there. It is not the destination.
We are moving forward, even when we're in between.
Today, I will accept where I am as the ideal place for me to be. If I am in between, I will strive for the faith that this place is not without purpose, that it is moving me toward something good.
From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.
A picture's worth a 1000 words
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: With any luck, I'm lost in a view finder
Posts: 2,954
i agree with the meditation and with letting go. Both have often worked well for me.
I also agree with what HistoryTeach wrote about the dual-diagnosis stuff.
You said the alcoholism initially developed rather quickly over just a few months. With everything i've researched about both mental illness and addictions....i'd bet that period of time was when your first major bipolar episode was hitting you. I'm a bipolar II and mine first dropped a bomb on my life with my first major depressive episode in college around 1996 or 97 (i'm in my 3rd right now).
There are often debates about which comes first...the addiction or the mental illness. I believe they both hit together basically because the addiction grows along side the mental illness as an attempt to escape how bad we feel (whether we realize it or not).
Roughly 80 % of bipolars also have addiction issues. (Personally, I think it's more)
I've been working my tail off over the past 4.5 years to find meds that will help keep me out of the depression and help keep me from hitting this current episode #3. Pills help a little if you finally find the right kind, dose or combination, but they don't help near enough with those of us that are so depressed that we start thinking "what's the use."
I'd suggest googling "major depression" and read about it a little. Sometimes it hits a person only once or twice in their lives, but it tends to come back every several years. I'm guessing that your last major episode is what helped you initially get sober 8 years ago....and that what you've been struggling with this past year is another episode.
I don't know what state you are in or if you have any kind of health insurance coverage or anything right now, but after me realizing i was in my 3rd major episode and trying day treatment for a month and still being worse....I demanded my pdoc recommend an ECT doctor.
I will have my 21st shock treatment on Friday (the 13th). Many people only need the initial series of 5-8 treatments for them to find themselves back to normal happiness. It's like flipping a switch! It really works great and the only painful part is getting the I.V. put in before each treatment (and then you're just a little groggy and sore after).
i was doing wonderful when I was going through my initial series and then we slowed to 1 treatment a week. Then I was back at my job and when we went down to only 1 maintenance treatment a month is when my depression has started hitting my hard again now.
My point is this: ECT is safe, virtually pain-free, and the ONLY treatment proven truely successful at treating severe depression (and other things). It is so safe that it is most often prescribed to the elderly and pregnant women, who it wouldn't be good to try med therapy - as meds could affect the baby or may not interact well with meds many elderly are already taking.
It's even been recently discovered that about 50 % of those diagnosed with Alzhiemer's are actually suffering a mental illness that is easily and quickly treated with often just 1 series of ECT treatments. But instead, most suffer for years and years by being given a type of meds for Alzhiemer's that has been found to often permanently damage the person's brain.
Anyway, I'll shut up now. lol
Sorry So Long,
Jenna
I also agree with what HistoryTeach wrote about the dual-diagnosis stuff.
You said the alcoholism initially developed rather quickly over just a few months. With everything i've researched about both mental illness and addictions....i'd bet that period of time was when your first major bipolar episode was hitting you. I'm a bipolar II and mine first dropped a bomb on my life with my first major depressive episode in college around 1996 or 97 (i'm in my 3rd right now).
There are often debates about which comes first...the addiction or the mental illness. I believe they both hit together basically because the addiction grows along side the mental illness as an attempt to escape how bad we feel (whether we realize it or not).
Roughly 80 % of bipolars also have addiction issues. (Personally, I think it's more)
I've been working my tail off over the past 4.5 years to find meds that will help keep me out of the depression and help keep me from hitting this current episode #3. Pills help a little if you finally find the right kind, dose or combination, but they don't help near enough with those of us that are so depressed that we start thinking "what's the use."
I'd suggest googling "major depression" and read about it a little. Sometimes it hits a person only once or twice in their lives, but it tends to come back every several years. I'm guessing that your last major episode is what helped you initially get sober 8 years ago....and that what you've been struggling with this past year is another episode.
I don't know what state you are in or if you have any kind of health insurance coverage or anything right now, but after me realizing i was in my 3rd major episode and trying day treatment for a month and still being worse....I demanded my pdoc recommend an ECT doctor.
I will have my 21st shock treatment on Friday (the 13th). Many people only need the initial series of 5-8 treatments for them to find themselves back to normal happiness. It's like flipping a switch! It really works great and the only painful part is getting the I.V. put in before each treatment (and then you're just a little groggy and sore after).
i was doing wonderful when I was going through my initial series and then we slowed to 1 treatment a week. Then I was back at my job and when we went down to only 1 maintenance treatment a month is when my depression has started hitting my hard again now.
My point is this: ECT is safe, virtually pain-free, and the ONLY treatment proven truely successful at treating severe depression (and other things). It is so safe that it is most often prescribed to the elderly and pregnant women, who it wouldn't be good to try med therapy - as meds could affect the baby or may not interact well with meds many elderly are already taking.
It's even been recently discovered that about 50 % of those diagnosed with Alzhiemer's are actually suffering a mental illness that is easily and quickly treated with often just 1 series of ECT treatments. But instead, most suffer for years and years by being given a type of meds for Alzhiemer's that has been found to often permanently damage the person's brain.
Anyway, I'll shut up now. lol
Sorry So Long,
Jenna
To Life!
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Rhode Island
Posts: 9,293
Least,
As you say you are bipolar, I thought you may be interested in this article:
Antidepressants That Aren't Antidepressants
It's found on this site:
Bipolar II, Mood Swings without Mania; Brain Tours; Stress and Depression; Hormones and Mood; and more...
Dr Phelps is a specialist in bipolar spectrum disorder. Though it will take a bit of time to read through this website, I highly suggest you do. It's loaded with information about this disorder.
There is also a link in the stickies above, from the NY Times, on bipolar disorder, filled with important information. I hope you'll take the time to read that too. The more we know about the issues we are dealing with, the more we can help ourselves.
Keep coming back. Let us know how it's going.
Shalom!
As you say you are bipolar, I thought you may be interested in this article:
Antidepressants That Aren't Antidepressants
It's found on this site:
Bipolar II, Mood Swings without Mania; Brain Tours; Stress and Depression; Hormones and Mood; and more...
Dr Phelps is a specialist in bipolar spectrum disorder. Though it will take a bit of time to read through this website, I highly suggest you do. It's loaded with information about this disorder.
There is also a link in the stickies above, from the NY Times, on bipolar disorder, filled with important information. I hope you'll take the time to read that too. The more we know about the issues we are dealing with, the more we can help ourselves.
Keep coming back. Let us know how it's going.
Shalom!
bona fido dog-lover
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,780
Licks and jumps from doggies are always appropriate to me! Still having a real problem with this worsening depression. Woke up this morning in a panic attack and still can't relax. Hardly any sleep last nite due to the 'sleep disturbances' from PAWS. That doesn't help the anxiety. Stomach is really upset. I need to eat but feel too sick to eat anything. Maybe a small banana and a walk with the dogs.
I am tired and afraid of my feelings having such power over me.
I am tired and afraid of my feelings having such power over me.
Its_me_jen
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Salina, Ks
Posts: 8,547
I'm sorry you're going through such a rough time right now. 
Do you see your doc on a regular basis? If not, you should.
May be give him/her a call to get in today. I'm guessing you're
on meds, may be I'm wrong, but if you are, may be they just
aren't working for you. It's never easy to find the right meds
for depression and/or bipolar. It took me about 2 years to get
my depression under control.
I'm sending you hugs and encouragement. Keep posting!!!!
Do you see your doc on a regular basis? If not, you should.
May be give him/her a call to get in today. I'm guessing you're
on meds, may be I'm wrong, but if you are, may be they just
aren't working for you. It's never easy to find the right meds
for depression and/or bipolar. It took me about 2 years to get
my depression under control.
I'm sending you hugs and encouragement. Keep posting!!!!
Life the gift of recovery!
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Home is where the heart is
Posts: 7,061
Least, I am always glad when I see you post. I am thankful that you have not given up on sobriety. I know it can be such a struggle especially for those of us who spent years using the alcohol/drugs to self medicate our mental health issues. One thing I can promise though is that it does change. It does become less of a struggle. Today I can honestly say as long as I am taking my meds as prescribed my rough/struggling days are may be a couple of weeks out of the year. I know my meds work better when I am not combining them with alcohol. I also know that for me there came a time when alcohol was more of a destructive force in my life than a self medicating force. That was when I had to stop drinking. Ironically, in listening to people talk about early sobriety, even those without mental health issues, their descriptions all sound like bi polar. So I imagine for those of us who are bi polar it is probably even worse to go through. Are you taking meds for the bi polar? If not can you find a way to start. Teach also gave some good links to learn about bi polar disorder. She is right on the money about the more we know about the disease the better we can manage it. Everyone that has responded has provided some great suggestions.
I don't know what I would do without my dogs. On the rough days, they keep me going. They remind me that there is love and kindness in the world. They have shown me unconditional love. Glad to hear you talk about how you love your dogs, they definately provide me with a reason to keep going. Take care you are in my thoughts and prayers.
Judith
I don't know what I would do without my dogs. On the rough days, they keep me going. They remind me that there is love and kindness in the world. They have shown me unconditional love. Glad to hear you talk about how you love your dogs, they definately provide me with a reason to keep going. Take care you are in my thoughts and prayers.
Judith
bona fido dog-lover
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,780
Now in my ninth day sober and still having problems with the depression and anxiety. The anxiety is worse today and I feel so nervous and lightheaded like I'm about to pass out. Feel so wound up like something bad is about to happen. Slept good last nite but woke feeling just as tired as when I went to bed.
I will call my doctor and make an appt for a physical checkup.
I will call my doctor and make an appt for a physical checkup.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
