lovehim001

My boyfriend has got into plenty of trouble with the law, because of alcohol. a couple dui's and a p.i. He was incarcerated for 2 weeks over Christmas and New Years because of his poor choice to drink and then drive a car. these 2 weeks were so hard on me, but mainly because i knew how upset he was. He was released on bail a January 3rd i believe. He had been on house arrest for about 4 mos. I am almost positive he never drank during that time He was promising me up and down that he was done drinking and i would always say well let's see when you are able to do what you want...when you want to do it. He knows that i believe he can stay sober i just don't think [I]HEE[I] thinks that he can. Anyways the DAYY he got off house arrest...he drank that evening. It wouldn't be AS BAD except they gave him this device he has to blow into whenever the alarm sounds to make sure that he isn't drinking. I guess that he just ignores it or just doesn't go home if he knows he is unable to blow. I just don't know if this behavior is just defiance and he needs to grow up (he is 22 years old) or if these are signs of a true drinking problem. His father was an alcoholic and my boyfriend remembers his mom driving around to bars and clubs late at night sometimes to find his father. They divorced and his father drank more and more. After all was said and done he was in a half way house for the majority of my b/f's high school career. He finally realized though one day when his mom drove him back to the half way house then on her way home died. She was an elderly woman, but it tore him up and he finally realized all the years and EVERYYTHING that he had loss. (He has been sober for about 10-12 years adn he is now 50 years old.) The reason in saying this is i know my boyfriends talents and strengths and he truly is AMAZING...when he isn't under the influence. He can achieve so much more, and he doesn't have to lose 20 years of his life to this POISON!!!! I guess i am asking him he has a drinking problem or if he just needs to grow up? and also if he does, if it is good to stand by him, allowing him to lie to me about what he is doing only for him to get a little to drunk and forget what he was telling me and me to catch him in a lie.

prodigal

Welcome. Please read the stickies at the top of our forum. You will find a wealth of information on the disease of alcoholism. You are involved with an alcoholic.

He may very well have the potential to win the Nobel prize, but without a commitment to a program such as AA and getting honest with himself about his drinking, he can flush his potential down the toilet.

There is absolutely nothing you can do or say that is going to get him sober. It is HIS addiction. He, and he alone, owns it. Whether you stay or go will have no bearing on his picking up the next drink.

Regardless of whether or not you believe he can stay sober, the fact is that HIS addiction will not be affected by what you believe. If he does not believe he can remain sober, then believe him. He may even admit he has a problem with alcohol. If he isn't DOING anything about it, then admitting to a problem is rather like an empty promise, isn't it?

Please keep posting and reading. Now that you have given us background on his life, how about filling us in on YOUR life?

SugarLily

Hi Lovehim01

You've found a great place here. Please hang around.

No one here can tell you the future or what will happen, guidance, and personal experience though can help so much.

Being involved with an alcoholic is not easy. I can't stress that enough. My ex was 22 when we first got together. He was always a heavy drinker, I knew this from the start, but it snowballed through the years. I had to walk away. It was very difficult.

How long have you been with your boyfriend? As mentioned - only HE can help himself. This took me a long time to get my head around. I wanted to save him, I wanted to help him, I wanted to make him wake up...... I'm codependent.

Read all the material here. Try to shift your thinking to YOU. What do you want?

x x

SugarLily

Oh, I also heard from the ex that his Dad used to have a drinking problem when my ex was groing up. I always used that as an excuse "It's not his fault - it's because of his childhood"...... I was always saying "It's not his fault..... "He does this because.....

Your post reminds me so much of me and I want to say run, don't walk, run. I don't want you to go through the 5 years I did.

But I apologise that isn't fair, I don't know you or your situation. Please keep posting.

x x

Rella927

Welcome to SR!

Sorry that you are going through this right now-Prodigal said a lot! (Hard to follow that)

The stickies at the top of the forum are filled with a lot of information that you will
find valuable!

It took me a long time to see that placing all my energy on not only what the A's in
my life were not doing right-but others too. I finally realized that I need to start looking
at my life and what I WAS NOT DOING RIGHT!

I wasted a lot of energy and time on others-instead of placing the focus on me!

With the help of Al-Anon, Counseling, SR and most important my HP I have learned
how to live life for me today and know that I can only control MY LIFE not anyone elses!

Glad you are here! Keep posting!

i4getsm

All I can say is RUN. I completely agree with SugarLily. As my therapist told me in a recent session, if you meet someone who isn't "complete", RUN. Don't let yourself believe that you are the one who can help him meet his potential. Only HE can do that. If you don't have children and are not married to him...RUN.
You don't want to live the rest of your life waiting for the few hours/mins of every day for him to be "amazing". You deserve so much more. He'll get himself together when he's ready...but that could be YEARS from now or maybe even never. Run while you still can!

tryingtofly

When my I met my RAH (Recovering Alcoholic Husband) he was 23. I didn't really think anything of his drinking (he was a binge drinker) after all, it was a stage he would grow out of...or so I thought. I kept thinking "When we move in together, it will stop"; "Now that we're engaged, it will stop"; "Now that we're buying a house, it will stop"; "Now that we're married, it will stop"; "Now that I'm threatening to leave him, it will stop". But as I've learnt on here - I didn't cause it, I can't control it, I can't cure it. Neither can anyone/thing else - only the A can do that.
Christmas night he was arrested for domestic abuse (he shoved me and pushed me, so I called the cops). I'm sure part of you is thinking that won't happen to you. I thought that too when I first came on here last march or so. Everyone kept saying it'll get worse unless he gets help, and I kept thinking "They don't know my hubby, he's not like that." I was wrong. However, him getting arrested was the best thing that ever happened to us. That was his rock bottom. December 26th he joined AA and he's never looked back. Now I don't have to hold out for those small moments of amazing - I get them all the time.

Good luck and please stick around!

MsPINKAcres

Welcome LoveHim

Glad you are reaching out for support - I also encourage you to read the stickies and other post. Also if you have not attending any Al-Anon/Naranon meetings - those would be great also. You may be shocked to find out the people who share your same story.

Also you can try reading recovery literature - How Al-Anon works for Family & Friends of Alcoholics, Courage to Change in Al-Anon and many other books about how we are affected by another person's drinking/using.

Stepping back from the situation and focusing on you can help you look at everything with a different perspective. This way you can make an informed decision about what is best for YOU.

Don't give up before the miracles happen in you - You deserve them.

Rita

WendyS

The definition of addiction is continuing a behavior despite negative consequences.

Please take care of yourself no matter what.

Wendy

lovehim001

WOW!! Thanks soo much EVERYONE!!! ...very helpfuL! It is hard to read the all of the 'run aways'. Being totally honest it just is very hard to hear that. (Last night was the 3rd time he has drank in the last 2 weeks while being on the alcohol monitor.) I was at my wits end last night. I talked to him today and told him that i can no longer date him unless he gets help. He cried...i cried. It was very hard. He told me that he can quit drinking on his own and doesn't need help. Which i do think he could do if he wanted too..i just don't fully believe that he does want to quit drinking he just may not want to lose me. The last 2 times he drank...i immediately found out about them and confronted him. He had a bad attitude and was unwilling to even talk to me. Tonight though he was willing to listen to what i had to say. I know that HE HAS TO CHOOSE TO QUIT and i don't want it to have anything to do with me. Mainly b/c i don't want something to happen to me and he turn to alcohol again.

Anyways, i didn't even know what type of help i could have suggested that he get b/c i don't know if aa is the only thing or if counseling could work well too. I do know that his alcohol monitor is very expensive and so money is tight, so i don't know how much these things cost. After this week my family and i are going on a cruise to Alaska for 2 weeks so i think after the vacation i will talk to him and we may try to work thing out and get back together then maybe? I hope to read more about alcoholics and just really inform myself more about this. See what different options there are out there.

I really hope that my posts make sense i have ADHD, let alone my adrenaline and emotions are flowing right now so i know i tend to ramble. So if something doesn't make sense feel free to ask!

A little about me! i am 19 years old. I was attending a university, adn studying special education. I have totally switched my major to nursing and am trying to get into a local all nursing school in order to get an accelerated 2 year degree in nursing. it is a very competitive school with a 100% graduation rate and a 90-something or other% nclex-rn? (the nursing boards test) pass rate. haha, i hope that makes sense!!! so i am super excited and nervouse though. I enjoy watching HGTV and jon and kate plus 8! ha..i am a TV junkie, have to be honest!!! I work at clothing store and babysit a TONN! & love it!

Thanks again everyone! I will definitely read some literature on this subject and look around the website a little more. I will inform my self and acquire the knowledge i need in order to learn the most about this situation and make well informed decisions...ones that are probably going to be difficult but that will help me be a 'better me' in the future!!

SugarLily

I'm sorry for posting that you should run Lovehim, I was worrying whether I should have written that when I was driving home yesterday. Each situation and every couple is different. I can only speak from my experience. I was 20 when I met my ex. I well and truly, deeply would have done anything for him. Red flags cropped up in the beginning of our relationship. Before I got with him he had had two DUI's. I chose to ignore them.

"past behavior is the best predicator of future behavior"

I ignored all the little warning signs untill I was in too deep. I just wish looking back now that someone could have shaken me and said "look Sugar, as much as you love him and care about him you can't change him". It would have saved me from a lot of heartache.

I do still love my ex, and I believe he in his weird old way does love me. I've just learned to realised I cannot live with his crazyness.

I'm pleased to see you are focussing and working very hard on your education. Thats fabulous, keep working on you.

I heard that too. I learned to stop listening to his promises and look out for his ACTIONS.

He can if he chooses to - focus on his addiction and have a wonderful relationship with you. Only he can. I would suggest he goes to AA, but again he needs to do that. I can see you love him dearly and I wish you both well.

tryingtofly

lovehim,
I too have been in your shoes. When I would talk to my RAH and tell him how much his drinking bothered me and we would talk and cry and he would wear up and down not to drink - and he wouldn't for a month or so, then he would start with one beer, then two, then three, then the next thing you know, he's rip-roaring drunk again. It was such a vicious cycle and I'd hate to see you go through it.
I think the two week vacation will be good for both of you. It will give you time apart to really think about what's going on. Even if you two break up, there's no saying that if he gets help and gets better you can't get back together.
Good luck!

sodetermined

First of all, welcome to SR. This place has helped me so very much. And you are so young! I sure wish I had found this place long ago, of course not sure if it would have mattered, I had to get to the point of wanting to change things first, which until recently, I was not ready for.

My very soon to be ex-alcoholic boyfriend used to tell me this, too, that he can do it on his own. He is incarcerated now for the 3rd time in 2 years, all due to drinking. The first two times, he was in recovery up until about time to get out and his exact words were "I think I can handle it now". He would start with just a couple, but like any alcoholic, it never stays there. It always develops into more and more until soon they were right back where they were. And I believed him...the first two times. This last time, I went to see him in jail and was ready to go right back and try again as soon as he got out. That is, until he told me that "he thinks he can do it on his own". I know this is not the case and FINALLY, THIS TIME, I decided I need him to stay sober, on his own, BEFORE I will take him right back. They can't do it on their own, in my opinion without a recovery program.

My boyfriend also would try and quit just to "not lose me". It never works, they have to do it for themselves, not just to keep you around.

Good luck, keep posting, you seem like a great person with a lot to look forward to!

lovehim001

Today i took my B/F to probation around 2:30 ish and no more than 5 minutes after I dropped him off I got a call from a lady that works there. She informed me that he was going down town. He apparently had violated his probation by not going to one of his meetings with the people that monitor his alcohol machine. I have spoke to him twice today since this incident. He called his house collect...I was still there because of the dog. The pup is staying at my house until we find out if my B/F will be in jail for more than the expected 24-48 hours. I am soo upset because i leave in a little less than a week now!! Thanks again everyone for all the support! I am still feeling the website out, but so far think it is very VERY helpful. See ya!!!

bluebirdeyes

i am older now but was in your exact same shoes for 15 years and yes my boyfriend, finance, husband kept stopping ,then sneaking around a little etc never stopping...i just thought he had...good liar and actor.
he just started aa a month ago and for the first time he realized you can not do it alone and need to attend the meetings just to keep you real and they also teach you to be honest with others and yourself and to believe in a higher power with all those morals and values for others and yourself................TAKE MY WORD....IF I HAD KNOWN HOW MUCH AA HAS DONE IN 30 DAYS THAT HE WOULD NOT LISTEN TO OR WAS IN DENIAL ABOUT ALL THESE YEARS..................I COULD HAVE SAVED YEARS OF DISTANCE AND HEARTACHE.....AND SAVED HIS LIFE AND MESSES CREATED BY ALL THE ALCHOL THINKING ALSO.......................NO HE CAN NOT DO IT ON HIS OWN,NOT FOR GOOD AND FOR GOOD IS THE ONLY WAY. I ASSUME YOU ARE YOUNGER THAN i AND I PLEAD WITH YOU TO NOT STAND AWAY FROM HIM GOING TO AA HENCE I HAD TO TELL MY HUSBAND THAT HE HAD TO GO TO AA BEFORE COMING HOMEAND KEEP GOING AND AA DID THE REST AND HE HAS WENT VOLUNTEERLY EVERYDAY AND SOMETIMES TWICE A DAY AND BELIEVE ME..............FOR MY MAN.....THAT IS HUGE HUGE HUGE....THEY ARE GETTING THROUGH TO HIMAND I AM SO THANKFUL...I REALLY HAVE HOPE NOW WITHOUT AS MUCH FEAR....................[/U]

steve11694

the 3 C's. you;

didnt Cause

cant control it

cant cure it


well, the legal system can control it in that it can certainly impose tough sanctions on alcoholics and incarcerate them if they fail to comply.

they know all too well that an alcoholic can cause injury and/or death to themself and others.

there is no shortage of recovering alc's that are now glad they went to jail/prison as that is what it took to wake them up.

lovehim001

Good News && Bad News:::

GOOD: Okay so I am still watching the pup!!
& leave for Alaska in about 4 days...

BAD: My b/f may end up in jail, serving his backup time...which adds up to be a year and a freakin' half!!!!!!!!! I don't know if i would keep the dog then or not. I know his dad may, a very slim chance though, keep him. I just hope that whatever happens between my b/f and I, the dog can be kept around in at least one of our lives. I cannot say right now IF this were to happen I wouldn't date others. Because I just don't know. A year and a half is a very long time but we have been together a year. I think that I could maybe focus more on school and just see what happens. I know i wouldn't even be able to date for a while at least!!!!! ....a long while. I just couldn't allow myself to wait! THAT is the only thing!! I couldn't sit around and wait for phone calls, nor put my life on hold for that time. I just don't even know! And this whole year and a half thing just raises even MORE questions for me!!! What if I ended up not even looking to date anyone else and when he gets out he could still be thinking about alcohol!! That would be the end for SUREE! I do KNOWW that answer!!! ha...but oh man this is going to be nuts!!! I find relief though reading people's posts and advice. Also, reading other people's questions and answers! This website ISS amazing!!! Later everyone!

freeflower

Geez, I think a higher power....has answered your question and given you a new path. follow it wisely and have fun being so YOUNG!!!

steve11694

a recovering alcoholic that now runs a well known rehab center told me some of his best advice to family and loved ones of alcoholics is "don't try to figure out the reason or the logic behind the behavior or life path" It is trying to assign sanity to insanity. Active addiction is certainly not sanity.

Focus on your goals, your education, your family and (dog?) The pieces will fall into place.