Where to start????
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Michigan
Posts: 4
Where to start????
Hello all,
This is my first time posting to a forum site. I guess you can say this is my first time for any of this period. Let me start by saying my wife is a recovering addict. She is my life and there is nothing I wont do with and for her. She has reached her one year anniversary which I am very proud of her. With everything it has been alot of strain. We have lost children and most recently was my daughter in April. My problem or question is she has started smoking marijuana and though this is not actually her drug of choice it still feels like she is substituting one drug for another. I can not find a way to approach her about it and sometimes the strain seems like a bit much. I mean I always thought self medication is the same no matter what method was used. I have never been in this situation before. What should I do?
Seeking the Light
E
This is my first time posting to a forum site. I guess you can say this is my first time for any of this period. Let me start by saying my wife is a recovering addict. She is my life and there is nothing I wont do with and for her. She has reached her one year anniversary which I am very proud of her. With everything it has been alot of strain. We have lost children and most recently was my daughter in April. My problem or question is she has started smoking marijuana and though this is not actually her drug of choice it still feels like she is substituting one drug for another. I can not find a way to approach her about it and sometimes the strain seems like a bit much. I mean I always thought self medication is the same no matter what method was used. I have never been in this situation before. What should I do?
Seeking the Light
E
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Welcome, E,
This is a good place to be. There is a lot of wisdom here...I'm always so amazed.
The sad thing is, for many recovering addicts, substituting one drug for another IS a slippery slope back to their DOC. For my younger brother (also in Michigan) alcohol leads to pot which leads to cocaine. He has never been willing to quit all of his mind-altering substances to give recovery a real chance, so he ends up back where he started, over and over again, even after months clean.
Does your wife participate in NA or any program like that? Does she have a connection to rehab or a counselor who could talk to her? Would she stop if you asked her to?
Here on this forum, naturally, we're concerned about friends & family, like you. So what about you? How does this make you feel? What do you think your options are?
GL
This is a good place to be. There is a lot of wisdom here...I'm always so amazed.
The sad thing is, for many recovering addicts, substituting one drug for another IS a slippery slope back to their DOC. For my younger brother (also in Michigan) alcohol leads to pot which leads to cocaine. He has never been willing to quit all of his mind-altering substances to give recovery a real chance, so he ends up back where he started, over and over again, even after months clean.
Does your wife participate in NA or any program like that? Does she have a connection to rehab or a counselor who could talk to her? Would she stop if you asked her to?
Here on this forum, naturally, we're concerned about friends & family, like you. So what about you? How does this make you feel? What do you think your options are?
GL
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Michigan
Posts: 4
Thanks GL,
She does have a sponsor. She also makes meetings but I think she is just be a little irrational. On some level I think she is feeling comfortable with the fact that she has been sober for more than a year and it is not her drug of choice. However, I can't help but feel it is only a matter of time. I am here for her good or bad I just don't think she sees it for what it is.
Looking for the light
E
She does have a sponsor. She also makes meetings but I think she is just be a little irrational. On some level I think she is feeling comfortable with the fact that she has been sober for more than a year and it is not her drug of choice. However, I can't help but feel it is only a matter of time. I am here for her good or bad I just don't think she sees it for what it is.
Looking for the light
E
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
Hi Polite31,
It does sound like relapse, unfortunately. I know that you want to believe with all your heart that she can handle it, that she'll just stay with the pot. Denial is a tough thing to beat. Are you going to any meetings, counseling, or doing any reading on codependency? I hope you stick around and read, Polite31. This forum has really helped me to get out of denial and into acceptance and boundaries
It does sound like relapse, unfortunately. I know that you want to believe with all your heart that she can handle it, that she'll just stay with the pot. Denial is a tough thing to beat. Are you going to any meetings, counseling, or doing any reading on codependency? I hope you stick around and read, Polite31. This forum has really helped me to get out of denial and into acceptance and boundaries
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Wishing you luck, E.
She's driving her own bus, unfortunately.....as they say in these circles, you did not Cause her addiction, you can't Control it, you can't Cure it. All you can do is be honest with her about the concerns you feel, gather some kind of support group around you, and protect yourself from the possible repercussions of a relapse. Boundaries are a great idea too, especially if someone isn't exactly being realistic about their own behavior.
It is wonderful to love someone so deeply, but that gets a little tangled if they know that they can be as self-destructive as they wish and we will still always be there for them, watching them destroy their life from a front-row seat, even damaging our own lives to support theirs.
Take good care of yourself, okay?
GL
She's driving her own bus, unfortunately.....as they say in these circles, you did not Cause her addiction, you can't Control it, you can't Cure it. All you can do is be honest with her about the concerns you feel, gather some kind of support group around you, and protect yourself from the possible repercussions of a relapse. Boundaries are a great idea too, especially if someone isn't exactly being realistic about their own behavior.
It is wonderful to love someone so deeply, but that gets a little tangled if they know that they can be as self-destructive as they wish and we will still always be there for them, watching them destroy their life from a front-row seat, even damaging our own lives to support theirs.
Take good care of yourself, okay?
GL
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((E)))
If her smoking bothers you, I think you need to let her know. It's not trying to control someone when we say "this bothers me". Whenever I've not dealt with something (not saying anything), it tends to build up into a pretty big resentment. This usually ends up with me blowing my top over something petty, totally out of proportion.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
If her smoking bothers you, I think you need to let her know. It's not trying to control someone when we say "this bothers me". Whenever I've not dealt with something (not saying anything), it tends to build up into a pretty big resentment. This usually ends up with me blowing my top over something petty, totally out of proportion.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 65
Lots of great people and great advice on here. Just a thought, my husband is in recovery he has been for 8 years. And I have had the opportunity to get to know a lot of the people at his meetings. And, from what I gather any mood or mind altering chemical is a downhill spiral. I would definitely let her know how you feel communication and honesty are key to any relationship.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 697
The important thing here is that you decide some boundaries and stick to them. If her smoking pot is a deal-breaker, then tell her. Many will be sober, be doing great, then they'll get the grand idea that "they can handle just a little bit of pot" or "a little bit of liquor" and it's a slippery slope from there. I know some people who have gotten off the harder drugs and only smoke pot now and then, but they are few and far between and it's not a daily thing. For me? It would not be acceptable.
I think if you approach her and say that she has worked so hard and this is a loaded gun she is playing with. You are not ok with it. Decide what the boundaries are, what the consequences are. Go from there. And finally...
LOTS of love and light to you.
:ghug
I think if you approach her and say that she has worked so hard and this is a loaded gun she is playing with. You are not ok with it. Decide what the boundaries are, what the consequences are. Go from there. And finally...
LOTS of love and light to you.
:ghug
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Michigan
Posts: 4
Thank you all for yor insight,
I just wanted to make sure that I was not wrong in waht I was thinking. I thought that it did not make a difference of what it was. I was not actually sure which way I should proceed from here. Since I have never been in a situation like this before wanted to make sure I approached her correctly. Did not want her to be angry for what I was saying and not pay attention to what I was trying to say to her. You know look at the message not the messenger. I can not tell you how much all your input has helped my me. I will talk to her later.
Seeking the Light
E
I just wanted to make sure that I was not wrong in waht I was thinking. I thought that it did not make a difference of what it was. I was not actually sure which way I should proceed from here. Since I have never been in a situation like this before wanted to make sure I approached her correctly. Did not want her to be angry for what I was saying and not pay attention to what I was trying to say to her. You know look at the message not the messenger. I can not tell you how much all your input has helped my me. I will talk to her later.
Seeking the Light
E
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Michigan
Posts: 4
Originally Posted by POLITE31 
Thank you all for yor insight,
I just wanted to make sure that I was not wrong in waht I was thinking. I thought that it did not make a difference of what it was. I was not actually sure which way I should proceed from here. Since I have never been in a situation like this before wanted to make sure I approached her correctly. Did not want her to be angry for what I was saying and not pay attention to what I was trying to say to her. You know look at the message not the messenger. I can not tell you how much all your input has helped my me. I will talk to her later.
Seeking the Light
E
I just wanted to make sure that I was not wrong in waht I was thinking. I thought that it did not make a difference of what it was. I was not actually sure which way I should proceed from here. Since I have never been in a situation like this before wanted to make sure I approached her correctly. Did not want her to be angry for what I was saying and not pay attention to what I was trying to say to her. You know look at the message not the messenger. I can not tell you how much all your input has helped my me. I will talk to her later.
Seeking the Light
E
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Hi E.
She might be receptive to what you are saying or she might get angry and yell and react poorly. She might deny theres a problem or anything those things.
None of that matters. YOU have a right to express your opinion to her. The hard part is that you can't make her stop. You didn't cause it. You can't control it. You can't cure it. But you still have a right to let her know that it's causing you concern and that you reserve the right to make changes - to your life - if it's causing you pain.
Did not want her to be angry for what I was saying and not pay attention to what I was trying to say to her. You know look at the message not the messenger.
None of that matters. YOU have a right to express your opinion to her. The hard part is that you can't make her stop. You didn't cause it. You can't control it. You can't cure it. But you still have a right to let her know that it's causing you concern and that you reserve the right to make changes - to your life - if it's causing you pain.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Ohio
Posts: 233
My guess is if she has been in a recovery program and has a sponser she already knows that what she is doing is not recovery and she is slipping. She may not admit it to herself or you but she knows. Me and my EXAH went through this, he tried all kinds of ways to use something and stay away from DOC. He just drank, then smoked weed,then snorted coke instead of smoking (i know,right). He tried just using on the weekends and it just went on and on...and he is still at it. All the while I tried to point out things, but it just didin't matter. I figured why and how am I supposed to sit here and watch him act like this isn't a problem. I couldn't shut up but I wish I would have because it didn't do one bit of good to say anything. I think my voice was drowned out by something way bigger than me. Take care.
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Flint MI
Posts: 4,455
Brief update, I am no longer smoking my weed even with the drs trying to push it down my throat he ( my Polite Mr E and the love of my life) has stood threw it all with me and he swares both to me in and out of our marriage counceling that he is there for it threw thick and thin......he has so far and i know he has put up with so much but yet he loves me still......we have our moments and I really want to smoke again to get past the pain and not to feel but then i realize it isnt worht it because every moment of painreminds me that it is every truthful moment spent with the man i love.......so in 2 weeks we celebrate my 2nd month of no weed and I DO feel so much better about it!!!!
as for why we havent been on line we were robbed not too long after this thread was posted and it is hard to get to a computer now a days.......keep praying that we get one soon!
love and hugs,
Pamm
P.S. E I love you and yes i would marry you yesterday as well!
as for why we havent been on line we were robbed not too long after this thread was posted and it is hard to get to a computer now a days.......keep praying that we get one soon!
love and hugs,
Pamm
P.S. E I love you and yes i would marry you yesterday as well!
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