kay1234

Hello,
I am new to the forum; I need a bit of advice. My son has been struggling with addiction for about a year now. Things really got bad last September he has gotten himself into legal trouble and is on probation. He has had 8 probation violations and shipped between detention centers and treatment programs. He went to a facility back in December and ran away from it. He had a bad experience with that and almost died that evening, said he was ready to change. Things have been great since he has been in a treatment facility since March, and he elected to stay in the extended program and our relationship seemed better than ever. The facility he was at was 2 hours away from home, and I would go see him every weekend. He came home for his first 24 hour pass last week, and in the middle of the night he took off and he stole all of our money. He has just been caught again yesterday thankfully he didn't get caught doing anything bad. We have court today for his probation violation part of his court order was that he had to sucefully complete his treatment program and whatever recommendations they have for him. I honestly don't know what they will do. My thing is my husband says that I should not go see him (which is very hard for me) he says I need to be there for him when he is honestly truly ready to change, but I should not go running after him. I feel like I would be deserting him...any insight and help would be greatly appreciated

laurie6781

First let me say WELCOME to SR. You have found a great place.

Your son is doing what Addicts and/or alkies do. His choices, his consequences.

I agree with your husband, and I am going to tell you why.

My parents protected me, chased after me, bailed me out of jams for years. In January of 1979 when I was 33 1/2 years old my folks said NO MORE. If you call, we will hang up, if you come to the door it will be closed in your face.

And................................they stuck to it. It took me another 2 1/2 years to find my bottom and the last 1 1/2 of those was living on the streets of Hollyweird.

I found recovery, btw, 27 years ago, and hit Alanon 24 years ago.

Later, once I was in recovery and showing progress and Mom and I talked, she told me they had reached THEIR BOTTOM. She knew she could not go on, that she would end up locked up in a padded room.

Now, this is not to say stop loving your son. Far from it. But, if you can, find some Naranon and/or Alanon meetings (Alanon is usually more plentiful than Naranon) and go, FOR YOU.

There you will learn about detachment, setting boundaries, and THE 3 C's:

You didn't CAUSE it,

You can't CONTROL it, and

You can't CURE it.

Your attending will send the message that he can still 'buffalo' you. Your not attending will send the message you are DONE. His PROBLEM, his RESPONSIBILITY, his CONSEQUENCES.

Please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing, we do care very much.

Love and hugs,

MsPINKAcres

Pull up a chair and sit down with a family you have never met - but you can visit with many, many folks that understand what you say before you even say it.

That's what I found here. Our oldest daughter (she's 30) is an addict. She has been helped, bailed out, given so many second chances, blah, blah, blah and finally everyone just couldn't help her anymore. She is still getting help from some and she is still making some bad choices, some good choices.

The most important thing is that I am making choices on what is best for ME and letting the God of my understanding have my daughter. I attending al-anon meetings, talk to people on SR, read recovery literature, do prayer & meditation, and try to keep my focus on improving myself - that is what I have learned is best for every family affected by alcoholism/addiction.

None of this happened overnite - it takes time - but it does happen - One Day at a Time.

Please, keep coming back - don't give up before the miracles happen in you - You Deserve Them.

Wishing you Serenity & Joy,
Rita

kay1234

Well, I just spoke with his probation officer and they have elected to send him back to treatment. I have to go to court today being that he is a juvenile they require me to be there. I did tell them that they are going to have to transport him which was very hard for me. It makes sense to stay away but it is very hard...Thank you for the advice and for caring enough to give it...

caileesnana

Keep coming back, read the stickies. There are alot of parents here who know how you feel. I am one of them!
susan

katie44

Welcome to SR, mother of 21 AS. My son has been using since 16 years old. I think your husband is right. I know how difficult it is as a mother believe me I have been the biggest enabler! Until he is ready to change he wont, unfortunately he must hit the bottom before climing to to the top. This is far beyond your control. Once you start setting boundaries for your self little by little you will feel better. He must feel the consequences for his actions. If not he will never have a reason to straighten his life out.

Jody Hepler

So glad you posted. Please keep coming back, read the stickies, there is a wealth of information and experience here.

I was as addicted to my addict sons as they were addicted to their drugs. I had to recover from my part of the disease - through Naranon and Alanon meetings. What I thought was supporting him and loving him was in actuality enabling him to continue to use. I about killed him with my love. I had to learn different ways of acting.

When one of my sons finally found recovery, he asked me why I kept allowing him back in the house, stealing from us, making our lives miserable.

Keep coming back.

Love in recovery,
Jody Hepler

P.S. My sons were 14 and 15 when they started in recovery. So I know what it is like to go to court and declare them wards of the state so that someone else would make decisions about their lives, someone that could force them to do what they needed to do. Toughest thing I've ever done - but the best.

Jody Hepler

Just noticed you were from Minnesota. They have one of the best recovery networks in the country - been doing it for many, many years. Especially for young people. My 14 year old was sent to one in MN in 1983. Celebrated 25 years clean and sober in May and was just 40 years old.

There is hope!!

Jody

BBD

Hi Kay~~My sons a cocaine addict and I have supprted him with his recovery for quite sometime. I just found out he is back on it and I'll stepping aside this time. I have had a years worth of counciling and alanon and everyone says to step away from the addict....and this time I have too. I know it'll be hard but maybe you should listen to your hubby.....I should have listened to mine years ago. I'm so sorry your going through this. It's so hard on US moms....big hugs, Bonnie

rahsue

one of the things that hit me most when I came to this site was someone saying,
"do you want to love him to DEATH" which is what us mothers do when we don't let them figure some things out on their own. As a juvie you of course need to be there but you can let him sweat things out abit on the weekends. Let him see what it would be like if you weren't around. And let him stand up for himself when you're not around.
Its a very hard thing to do believe me I know!

good luck and God bless

mooselips

Hiya Kay,
Lots of good advice before me, so I have very little to add.


I am the mother of an addict son, he is now 34 years old.
We have been traveling this bumpy road since he was 15, and I most likely prolonged it, by enabling him, and feeling downright SORRY for him.
Somehow, it's what us moms are best at!


But your husband is right, this is a struggle your son has to conquer, and your job is to work on you, and pray for your sons H.P. to lead him where he wants him to be.

And most importantly, find some Alanon, or Naranon meetings in your area!
A face to face support group is a big part of your recovery.

Hugs from one mom to another....
I'm so glad you found us!

kay1234

Thank you all for your support and comments...all the way up to this point I have been spending all my emotional and physical time trying to help my son. Today when we went to court he looked at me and told me how sorry he was and how much he loved me and he started crying, which of course I then started crying as well...It is that kind of behavior that makes it so hard for me to distance myself. But I was told at one point and time if you keep doing the same things you are going to keep getting the same results...Once again my husband talking...

Spiritual Seeker

Sounds like you have a wise hubby.
Don't give up on your son.
At the same time Don't cushion, excuse or remove any of the consequences from his actions and using. These must occur for him to be able to modify his addiction.

If the system is requiring him to be in treatment, the outcome is just as it should be.
When they stop that requiremnet, then it can be your requirement.

My son is 24 tomorrwow and currently in his 3rd inpatient treatment. This one is a yr. long. The 4 week ones were just not long enough and he had to get to a pt. where he knew his life was completely unmanagable.

This is a marathon.

Be sure to get into your own recovery and search for spiritual awakening.
Codependent behav. must be overcome on our part as mothers, for our own sake.
For me it was Al-anon and counseling.

Keep coming back. There are many moms on board here.

splendra

Yes that kind of behavior can suck us right back into their stuff. I have 2 brothers and a sister youngest 40 and the oldest is 54 all are still addicts all still tied to mom's apron....

I can't help but wonder how things would have been had she said no no no about 30 orso years ago. Please, please don't let this happen to you.

peaceteach

Hi Kay,

I found SR in December and immediately latched on to wise advice from experienced mothers here. Your husband sounds great. Has he read up on detachment, cause it sure sounds like the language. Allowing your son to face the consequences of HIS choices is a good thing, not a bad thing, although it feels awful as a mother, I know. Someone here said it seems counterintuitive to NOT help someone who is suffering, particularly if you are their parent. But addiction cancels out all that mother is there to help stuff. It is bigger than us, and we can't stop it, cure it, love it away, or help the addict get better. They have to really, really want it for themselves because their life has become so horrible that they realize they would rather be sober than be that miserable. I hope you stick around for the love and support that is offered here. It has been such a tremendous help to me

Impurrfect

((Kay))

I'm a recovering addict, much older than your son, but everyone above is right on. My dad and stepmom did come to see me once when I was in jail for a month. Then I was put in a diversion center for 4-1/2 months. I got a job and worked hard at doing the right thing. Dad and stepmom used to visit me at work, and then when I was allowed to come home on a day pass, they would bring me home. They did this only because I was really trying to do right.

It took me getting locked up, and dad saying "I can't and I won't help you get out of this" to fully face my consequences. My family never stopped loving me, but they certainly would not and will not tolerate my addict behavior.

I can only imagine how hard it is to detach from your son, but I've said it before and I'll say it again....it's not that you don't love him, it's that you love him so much you will let him learn the hard lessons he needs to learn.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

kay1234

Thank you so much everyone...That is the thing, this last bout in treatment I honestly thought that he was serious about getting better. My husband on the other hand had told me that he had not seen the "personality change". I guess I really did not know what he was talking about because to me my son was sounding like he was really sick and tired of being sick and tired. I think my husband actually knows so much because he is also a recovering addict...he has been sober for 8 years now. I have been with him for 7 years now so I have been lucky enough not to have gone through any of this with him.

laurie6781

That's what I and others like to call QUACKING. Picture the big white AFLAC duck with the orange bill, and all your son was doing was Quacking. Also called MANIPULATION. Words, out of an addicts mouth mean NOTHING.

ACTIONS, mean something is happening. Is the addict really working on change, or just 'mouthing' the words. Listen to your husband. His gut instincts from his own experiences will carry you far in this troubled time in your life.

Again, you might want to try Naranon and/or Alanon. Like here you will find peeps who have gone through, or are going through what you are now. And, you will have 'local' face to face contact, which can be SO IMPORTANT. Family and friends, many times just don't understand. In Alanon and/or Naranon you will make some new friends that DO UNDERSTAND, and are nearby.

However, please keep posting here, and let us know how YOU are doing, we do care.

Love and hugs,

kay1234

Everyone of you have great advice, and I am very thankful for each of you. I am going to my first Alanon meeting next Wed...as there are no Naranon meetings around me. I do have a question though...everyone here talks about detachment...but where do you draw the line? Am I not suppose to call him (as he can't call me it is not allowed) or how about going to see him? We have always had a super relationship until the addiction...and this last time he was in treatment we got even closer. So I am wondering when you say detachment do you mean no contact? I feel like I am deserting him, and I think he would feel the same.

Chino

Detachment is whatever action that allows you to:

• Not suffer because of the actions and reaction of others.
  
• Not allow us to be used or abused by others.
  
• Not do for others what they could do for themselves.
  
• Not manipulate situations so others will eat, sleep, get up, pay bills and not drink.
  
• Not cover up for anyone's mistakes or misdeeds.
  
• Not create a crisis.
  
• Not prevent a crisis if it is the natural course of events.