Spinoff to "Qualifying for Alanon"
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Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 369
Spinoff to "Qualifying for Alanon"
I think I've posted this question before in a different way. So I'm doing it again just because Catspajama's post intrigued me. Do you think the codie thing is specific to addicts/alcoholics? My parents are not alcoholics. My STBXAH is. I've been "helping" everyone else forever and have had incredibly low self esteem forever. (Way before I met STBXAH.) Even if I wasn't involved specifically with an A, I think I would get a lot of posting on this board. The issues we are all dealing with have more to do with "regular life"...they are just exacerbated by the A's in our lives. Yes, no, maybe? Is it all kind of the same stuff? Meaning if it was abuse or alcohol or working alot or whatever, don't we all have the same issues?
I guess I feel like I'm getting a lot out of all the learning I'm doing here. (I may not post all the time, but I do read most of the posts.) It is fascinating to take this look at myself and work on me for a change.
Now that I've done that brain dump, I'm going to sleep.
I guess I feel like I'm getting a lot out of all the learning I'm doing here. (I may not post all the time, but I do read most of the posts.) It is fascinating to take this look at myself and work on me for a change.
Now that I've done that brain dump, I'm going to sleep.
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Join Date: Aug 2002
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Hi i4getsm
I think co dependency is its own thing. Addicts and alcoholics are addicted to a substance... co dependents seem to be addicted to people. Have you read Melodie Beatty's book Co Dependent No More? It really helped me to understand and put things in perspective.
There are some people who can have a drink or 2 and call it a night. They most likely are NOT addicted to alcohol. They can have a drink and be "normal". There are some people who can have a healthy relationship with other people. They set boundaries, they communicate effectively, they let others work out their own problems, etc.
And then there's me. I am a card carrying co dependent. I was raised to be one, and I'm sure I have been one since the time I was born. Until I found recovery, I wasn't happy unless the people around me were happy. I was totally enmeshed in others' lives etc. I was a martyr, sacrificing myself all the time so that someone else would be happier or more comfortable and therefore would like me. "What will the neighbors think??" is what ruled my family's world.
I think you're right, we all have the same issues. We co dependents need to learn to keep the focus on ourselves and not on other people. We need to learn that NO is a complete sentence. We need to learn to let others experience the joy of their own consequences. And for me, after many yrs, it can still be a struggle... which is why I still go to meetings, I still do my readings, I still ck in with my Higher Power and I still come here. It helps keep me balanced.
I think co dependency is its own thing. Addicts and alcoholics are addicted to a substance... co dependents seem to be addicted to people. Have you read Melodie Beatty's book Co Dependent No More? It really helped me to understand and put things in perspective.
There are some people who can have a drink or 2 and call it a night. They most likely are NOT addicted to alcohol. They can have a drink and be "normal". There are some people who can have a healthy relationship with other people. They set boundaries, they communicate effectively, they let others work out their own problems, etc.
And then there's me. I am a card carrying co dependent. I was raised to be one, and I'm sure I have been one since the time I was born. Until I found recovery, I wasn't happy unless the people around me were happy. I was totally enmeshed in others' lives etc. I was a martyr, sacrificing myself all the time so that someone else would be happier or more comfortable and therefore would like me. "What will the neighbors think??" is what ruled my family's world.
I think you're right, we all have the same issues. We co dependents need to learn to keep the focus on ourselves and not on other people. We need to learn that NO is a complete sentence. We need to learn to let others experience the joy of their own consequences. And for me, after many yrs, it can still be a struggle... which is why I still go to meetings, I still do my readings, I still ck in with my Higher Power and I still come here. It helps keep me balanced.
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