I'm scared and need help. Oh and I'm new too.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Mass
Posts: 14
I'm scared and need help. Oh and I'm new too.
And this is as far as I'm ready to go. Ambiguous online posting. So here is a little bit about me. I'm a 27 year old female from somewhere in MA. I have a boyfriend (at least at the moment...we'll get to that) I've been drinking since probably early high school, heavily since college. I've taken breaks before but have reached a point where I'm hurting everyone around me, at least those who know about it, and have been for some time. 'Breaks' never last and I think I'm beyond them at this point.
I've heard the term 'functional alcoholic' so I'm wondering if this is the category i might fit into. I've completed two degrees with honors, I hold down a full time high level job, I function like a normal person in the every day world. I drink alone at home. I live my life in a constant hangover. At this point I don't think that anybody knows me any differently, I know I certainly don't. Even when I'm drinking with other people, I hide around corners or sneak more when nobody is looking...another beer, a refilled glass, a swig from the bottle. I lie that I drink this much and pretend that I'm doing better but no one is there to watch me. Only I can hold my self accountable.
Then there are the incidents. I drink to much and turn into a crazy person. I have no off button and once I'm past a certain limit I drink liquor like water and am mean, and violent and cruel oh, and don't forget dramatic. I've now had 2 very serious scares from drinking in the past few months. The first one my boyfriend (who is really the one that knows it all and that I'm hurting right now) almost called 911 cause my eyes were rolling back in my head and i was hallucinating. I slowed down for a while and was doing ok but now I'm just right back where I started. This weekend we went to a party. I made a massive public a$$ of myself, fell down a lot, hurt myself pretty bad, got in a major fight with my BF...slapped him, told him I hated him, attempted to run off in the middle of no where in the middle of the night. It was really a fiasco.
I've told him I want to stop and that I know I've said this before but I don't want to live like this. He is a drinker too but doesn't lose control like I do. He has said to me that because there are days when I don't drink and times that I have one drink and am fine that I'm not an alcoholic. I'm here because I think differently. He says that we can give it one more shot and try this together but we'll see how that goes. I've told him he needs to stop enabling me. That I would be hesitant to believe or trust me too but that I can't do this alone. I'm really scared and i don't have many other shoulders to lean on or people to turn to. I've been a member on a weight loss forum for a while now and that has helped me a lot in that area so I'm hoping that being able to talk here and have support and a place to be accountable will help me stop. Maybe a place to go and write instead of pouring when that urge to have a drink hits.
I'm scared as hell, I'm depressed, I don't know how to be continuously sober. I don't know how to fight the urge to just give in and have a drink. I'm scared I'll lose my BF, that he has no faith and doesn't believe in or trust me (and really, i don't blame him) I'm afraid I'll be dead before I hit 30 if this keeps up. I'm afraid that people think I'm a monster.
So, I've been sober now for 1.5 days soon to be two and i will take as much advice and support as I can get because I don't think I can go this alone and I don't think that anyone else in my life understands.
I've heard the term 'functional alcoholic' so I'm wondering if this is the category i might fit into. I've completed two degrees with honors, I hold down a full time high level job, I function like a normal person in the every day world. I drink alone at home. I live my life in a constant hangover. At this point I don't think that anybody knows me any differently, I know I certainly don't. Even when I'm drinking with other people, I hide around corners or sneak more when nobody is looking...another beer, a refilled glass, a swig from the bottle. I lie that I drink this much and pretend that I'm doing better but no one is there to watch me. Only I can hold my self accountable.
Then there are the incidents. I drink to much and turn into a crazy person. I have no off button and once I'm past a certain limit I drink liquor like water and am mean, and violent and cruel oh, and don't forget dramatic. I've now had 2 very serious scares from drinking in the past few months. The first one my boyfriend (who is really the one that knows it all and that I'm hurting right now) almost called 911 cause my eyes were rolling back in my head and i was hallucinating. I slowed down for a while and was doing ok but now I'm just right back where I started. This weekend we went to a party. I made a massive public a$$ of myself, fell down a lot, hurt myself pretty bad, got in a major fight with my BF...slapped him, told him I hated him, attempted to run off in the middle of no where in the middle of the night. It was really a fiasco.
I've told him I want to stop and that I know I've said this before but I don't want to live like this. He is a drinker too but doesn't lose control like I do. He has said to me that because there are days when I don't drink and times that I have one drink and am fine that I'm not an alcoholic. I'm here because I think differently. He says that we can give it one more shot and try this together but we'll see how that goes. I've told him he needs to stop enabling me. That I would be hesitant to believe or trust me too but that I can't do this alone. I'm really scared and i don't have many other shoulders to lean on or people to turn to. I've been a member on a weight loss forum for a while now and that has helped me a lot in that area so I'm hoping that being able to talk here and have support and a place to be accountable will help me stop. Maybe a place to go and write instead of pouring when that urge to have a drink hits.
I'm scared as hell, I'm depressed, I don't know how to be continuously sober. I don't know how to fight the urge to just give in and have a drink. I'm scared I'll lose my BF, that he has no faith and doesn't believe in or trust me (and really, i don't blame him) I'm afraid I'll be dead before I hit 30 if this keeps up. I'm afraid that people think I'm a monster.
So, I've been sober now for 1.5 days soon to be two and i will take as much advice and support as I can get because I don't think I can go this alone and I don't think that anyone else in my life understands.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Scottsdale, AZ, one big happy dysfunctional family!
Posts: 23,035
Hello Sunshine, and welcome to SR!
Thanks for sharing your story. When I was your age I lived in Revere Beach but moved back to my home after my first marriage dissolved from addictions. A huge part of my recovery is hearing stories that are so much like my own, it serves as a reminder that I'm a real alcoholic, and can't BS myself any longer about the destruction I caused when I was drinking. For many years I was a functioning alcoholic, but I still haven't heard of anyone who continued to be one forever, sooner or later we all seem to reach our bottom. Some high, some very low.
You seem to have a very strong understanding of your behavior, how deep your addiction is, the wreckage that you're creating, and what needs to be done. So the choice is really yours. The only one who can decide whether you need help or not, and to what lengths you're willing to go, is you.
My experience, what I needed to stay sober successfully, was to listen and follow suggestions, go to AA meetings every day, and to reach out for support and accept the help that was freely given to me. Three years later I still follow that path every day. But first I had to admit to myself that I was completely powerless over my addiction, that I couldn't stay sober alone, and that I'd be able to live happily without ever taking a drink again. It is possible.
Thanks for sharing your story. When I was your age I lived in Revere Beach but moved back to my home after my first marriage dissolved from addictions. A huge part of my recovery is hearing stories that are so much like my own, it serves as a reminder that I'm a real alcoholic, and can't BS myself any longer about the destruction I caused when I was drinking. For many years I was a functioning alcoholic, but I still haven't heard of anyone who continued to be one forever, sooner or later we all seem to reach our bottom. Some high, some very low.
You seem to have a very strong understanding of your behavior, how deep your addiction is, the wreckage that you're creating, and what needs to be done. So the choice is really yours. The only one who can decide whether you need help or not, and to what lengths you're willing to go, is you.
My experience, what I needed to stay sober successfully, was to listen and follow suggestions, go to AA meetings every day, and to reach out for support and accept the help that was freely given to me. Three years later I still follow that path every day. But first I had to admit to myself that I was completely powerless over my addiction, that I couldn't stay sober alone, and that I'd be able to live happily without ever taking a drink again. It is possible.
1 smile can stretch for miles
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: finally present in this world
Posts: 17
scared
Your stroy sounds alot like mine. Never thought I would make it to 30. I am now 40 years old. My sobriety birthday is July 3-06. When I went out drinking I would blackout most of the time. A blackout is functioning while intox but do not remember anything. I could do that for hours and hours. I had the boyfriend who drank with me, but he still seemed to maintain control. I was also a functioning alcoholic up until the day I decided enough was enough.
That was when I had gotten my 2nd dui. I blew a .269 .3 is comatose. At this point I had to get sober for me and no body else. No one can tell you if you are an alcoholic but you.
I know that for me I knew when I was 14 years old. My first blackout drunk I was 5 years old. Relatives were having party. Thought I was drinking oj.
At 10, I started to use alcohol. My whole life I was chasing that feeling of nothing that I had ecperienced at 5. I hung around drinkers. I was born into a family of drinkers. I knew no different.
Every time I have been in trouble drinking was involved. I have never been in trouble otherwise. I was in it alot.
I was so very very scared to quit. I knew deep down I was going to have to give up all of my so called friends. I had actually gone to AA bout a year before I finally became sober. But I was just not ready to give up my friends.
But what I know now is that they were reallly not friends. A few yes, but the rest no. I have not heard from them since I have been sober. Sadly, I know where to go if I want to see them.
I have even had to detach from my brother and we are very close. But he is an alcoholic too. He has admitted it, but not ready to let it go. It is very very hard. I miss him. But my sobriety if the most important thing in my life. If I lose my sobriety more then likely I will end up losing my daughter, my job, my home. Alcohol is very very patient. And I do know that it gets worse and worse the more I use. I was so very lucky to get picked up that night. I have my higher power to thank. My highter power knew to stop me. Because when I look back I was starting to isolate and drink alone.
One more thing. I did a lot of the sneak drinking when no one was watching. those extra shots, taking drinks from other peoples drinks, you name it. I was sneaky or so I thought.
I respect your courage. When you are ready I would recommend a support group like AA. I know I would not be alive today if not for that support.
Val
That was when I had gotten my 2nd dui. I blew a .269 .3 is comatose. At this point I had to get sober for me and no body else. No one can tell you if you are an alcoholic but you.
I know that for me I knew when I was 14 years old. My first blackout drunk I was 5 years old. Relatives were having party. Thought I was drinking oj.
At 10, I started to use alcohol. My whole life I was chasing that feeling of nothing that I had ecperienced at 5. I hung around drinkers. I was born into a family of drinkers. I knew no different.
Every time I have been in trouble drinking was involved. I have never been in trouble otherwise. I was in it alot.
I was so very very scared to quit. I knew deep down I was going to have to give up all of my so called friends. I had actually gone to AA bout a year before I finally became sober. But I was just not ready to give up my friends.
But what I know now is that they were reallly not friends. A few yes, but the rest no. I have not heard from them since I have been sober. Sadly, I know where to go if I want to see them.
I have even had to detach from my brother and we are very close. But he is an alcoholic too. He has admitted it, but not ready to let it go. It is very very hard. I miss him. But my sobriety if the most important thing in my life. If I lose my sobriety more then likely I will end up losing my daughter, my job, my home. Alcohol is very very patient. And I do know that it gets worse and worse the more I use. I was so very lucky to get picked up that night. I have my higher power to thank. My highter power knew to stop me. Because when I look back I was starting to isolate and drink alone.
One more thing. I did a lot of the sneak drinking when no one was watching. those extra shots, taking drinks from other peoples drinks, you name it. I was sneaky or so I thought.
I respect your courage. When you are ready I would recommend a support group like AA. I know I would not be alive today if not for that support.
Val
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Mass
Posts: 14
Thank you for your responses. It's good to not feel so alone. I am making this decision, and will continue to one day at a time. It is more important to me that I try to fix what I've broken and save what I haven't yet lost than to have a drink. I want to be a better person. I will make it through tonight and then tomorrow will be day 3 and I will go from there.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Hi and Welcome!
Depression is why I decided to quit
and committ to AA.
Fortunately...mine was diagnosed as situational
and lifted rather quickly within a few months.
...I too was a functional alcoholic...until the depression.
This is from my files ...you might find it helpful
Progression Of Alcoholism
Here's how alcoholism typically progresses:
SOCIAL DRINKERS — Most Americans are characterized as social drinkers. Statistics indicate, however, that one of every 16 drinkers will become alcoholic.
WARNING SIGNS — The individual begins to drink more frequently and more than his associates. He drinks for confidence or to tolerate or escape problems. No party or other occasion is complete without a couple of drinks.
EARLY ALCOHOLISM — With increasing frequency, the individual drinks too much. "Blackouts," or temporary amnesia, occur during or following drinking episodes. He drinks more rapidly than others, sneaks drinks and in other ways conceals the quantity that he drinks. He resents any reference to his drinking habits.
BASIC ALCOHOLISM — The individual begins to lose control as to the time, place and amount of his drinking. He gets drunk unintentionally. He hides and protects his liquor supply. He drinks to overcome the hangover from his prior drinking. He tries new patterns of drinking as to time and place of drinking. He attempts cures by moving to new locations or by changing his drinking companions.
CHRONIC ALCOHOLISM — The individual becomes a loner in his drinking. He develops alibis, excuses and rationalizations to cover up or explain his drinking. Personality and behavior changes occur that affect all relationships — family, employment, community. Extended binges, physical tremors, hallucinations and delirium, complete rejection of social reality, malnutrition with accompanying illness and disease and early death all occur as chronic alcoholism progresses.
Source: American Medical Association
Depression is why I decided to quit
and committ to AA.
Fortunately...mine was diagnosed as situational
and lifted rather quickly within a few months.
...I too was a functional alcoholic...until the depression.This is from my files ...you might find it helpful
Progression Of Alcoholism
Here's how alcoholism typically progresses:
SOCIAL DRINKERS — Most Americans are characterized as social drinkers. Statistics indicate, however, that one of every 16 drinkers will become alcoholic.
WARNING SIGNS — The individual begins to drink more frequently and more than his associates. He drinks for confidence or to tolerate or escape problems. No party or other occasion is complete without a couple of drinks.
EARLY ALCOHOLISM — With increasing frequency, the individual drinks too much. "Blackouts," or temporary amnesia, occur during or following drinking episodes. He drinks more rapidly than others, sneaks drinks and in other ways conceals the quantity that he drinks. He resents any reference to his drinking habits.
BASIC ALCOHOLISM — The individual begins to lose control as to the time, place and amount of his drinking. He gets drunk unintentionally. He hides and protects his liquor supply. He drinks to overcome the hangover from his prior drinking. He tries new patterns of drinking as to time and place of drinking. He attempts cures by moving to new locations or by changing his drinking companions.
CHRONIC ALCOHOLISM — The individual becomes a loner in his drinking. He develops alibis, excuses and rationalizations to cover up or explain his drinking. Personality and behavior changes occur that affect all relationships — family, employment, community. Extended binges, physical tremors, hallucinations and delirium, complete rejection of social reality, malnutrition with accompanying illness and disease and early death all occur as chronic alcoholism progresses.
Source: American Medical Association
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,474
Hi and Welcome,
I'm glad you found us.
It does sound like you believe that you are an alcoholic and that you want to change that. We're here to offer support.
I began drinking because I was depressed, not sleeping and dealing with physical pain. I thought I could manage things, but I was out of control very quickly. I drank at home, alone too, never in public. I thought I was fooling people, but I wasn't. I understand your fear. That same fear kept me from stopping drinking for a long time. It's such a vicious cycle.
Take a look around and read and learn.
I'm glad you found us.
It does sound like you believe that you are an alcoholic and that you want to change that. We're here to offer support.
I began drinking because I was depressed, not sleeping and dealing with physical pain. I thought I could manage things, but I was out of control very quickly. I drank at home, alone too, never in public. I thought I was fooling people, but I wasn't. I understand your fear. That same fear kept me from stopping drinking for a long time. It's such a vicious cycle.
Take a look around and read and learn.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,759
It is hard to stop drinking. I've stopped and started and stopped and started too many times to remember. I'm trying again tho cause I believe that I can do this, one day at a time.
:ghug
:ghug
Member
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Scottsdale, AZ
Posts: 201
Welcome Sunshine...
I am happy you are figuring this out, at a very early age.... The alcoholism only progresses with time, which makes it even harder down the road to quit… that is if you make it that far!
You found a great place to start your jounery!
I am happy you are figuring this out, at a very early age.... The alcoholism only progresses with time, which makes it even harder down the road to quit… that is if you make it that far!
You found a great place to start your jounery!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Mass
Posts: 14
Thank you again to everyone. I thought I might go crazy getting home from work. I'm still coming out of my weekend catastrophe and had delayed trains and traffic. Ugh. But I've stuck to my plan. I didn't drink, I didn't smoke, I didn't drag myself to the store out of desperation. I cleaned my apartment and hung out with my cat. My BF and I had a bit of a chat online. We have some talking to do in person but I feel better that we at least talked a little today. We don't see each other during the week much as we live an hour away from each other so we will have some time to calm down before we really talk but I'm glad we got a lot out there. I was worried that we wouldn't and that the idea of losing him would just eat at me all week and drive me face first into it. There is hope for us still if I can stick to it but I know this is my last chance.
My greatest accomplishment today was that I didn't drink 2+ bottles of wine (or anything else). I don't remember the last time I cleaned without drinking. I dusted, vacuumed, did laundry, washed dishes, got all the pollen out. Now I'm sober, I'm hanging out in bed writing, my cat is playing and I'm not falling into walls, vomiting, crying or anything else. Yes...things I do by myself. I did small things. I took my makeup off, I brushed my teeth, put my hair back..even flossed. Little pre-bed things that I neglect if I'm wasted. I don't really want anything. My body just feels very warn, actually tired. I think I'll go to bed. I'm looking forward to tomorrow.
My greatest accomplishment today was that I didn't drink 2+ bottles of wine (or anything else). I don't remember the last time I cleaned without drinking. I dusted, vacuumed, did laundry, washed dishes, got all the pollen out. Now I'm sober, I'm hanging out in bed writing, my cat is playing and I'm not falling into walls, vomiting, crying or anything else. Yes...things I do by myself. I did small things. I took my makeup off, I brushed my teeth, put my hair back..even flossed. Little pre-bed things that I neglect if I'm wasted. I don't really want anything. My body just feels very warn, actually tired. I think I'll go to bed. I'm looking forward to tomorrow.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: UK
Posts: 18,299
Welcome Sunshine.
Whether you decide to go to AA or not they have a cliché that helps me a lot, you will have heard it...'one day at a time'...it really helps me cope.
I don't just use it in the sense of thinking of not drinking today I use it for just generally living in the day, don't let the past drag you down and don't let the future overwhelm you. The past is gone and you cannot control the future except by what you do today.
Be kind to yourself.
Whether you decide to go to AA or not they have a cliché that helps me a lot, you will have heard it...'one day at a time'...it really helps me cope.
I don't just use it in the sense of thinking of not drinking today I use it for just generally living in the day, don't let the past drag you down and don't let the future overwhelm you. The past is gone and you cannot control the future except by what you do today.
Be kind to yourself.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Mass
Posts: 14
'One day at a time' is much easier to mentally cope with than 'the rest of my life' all in one thought. I didn't sleep that great last night but I wasn't passed out so I can't say I care that my sleep was a bit disturbed. I tossed and turned a bit and had some weird dreams. Woke up every few hours, looked at the clock and rolled back over. My body is tired today still. I'm craving a bit but not giving in. This is the start of day 3, no alcohol and no smokes at all. My mind is a bit distracted but I know that this first week is going to be the hardest as my body goes through the withdrawals and adjusts to being without everything. They aren't that bad, a headache, a bit of nausea early this morning, loss of appetite...I'm not exactly wasting away here though so I'm ok losing my appetite for a bit.
It's very hot here so I've decided that in lieu of everything else I can let myself have an iced coffee with the fixins in the morning on my way to work. For months... ok years.... I've been trying to 'lose weight' and 'save money' and morning coffee out was one thing I've cut...so when I weight the calories in one iced coffee vs. a bottle of wine and $10 a week vs $100 a week I'm very ok with having a coffee.
So that is where I'm at today. It's day 3, I'm going to let work not get the best of me and just pace myself and work through the day. I'm going to break at some point and head to borders to get a good book (any suggestions) ....most likely some trashy beach reading....to get me through the evenings. I'll eventually start going to the gym a couple nights a week like I used to but not yet and in the meantime I need something to do. I also started a yoga class last week and will continue that this week. I'm going on Wednesdays and Thursdays. I love it, now I just need to go and come home and not binge after. I think it will help me center and focus.
It's very hot here so I've decided that in lieu of everything else I can let myself have an iced coffee with the fixins in the morning on my way to work. For months... ok years.... I've been trying to 'lose weight' and 'save money' and morning coffee out was one thing I've cut...so when I weight the calories in one iced coffee vs. a bottle of wine and $10 a week vs $100 a week I'm very ok with having a coffee.
So that is where I'm at today. It's day 3, I'm going to let work not get the best of me and just pace myself and work through the day. I'm going to break at some point and head to borders to get a good book (any suggestions) ....most likely some trashy beach reading....to get me through the evenings. I'll eventually start going to the gym a couple nights a week like I used to but not yet and in the meantime I need something to do. I also started a yoga class last week and will continue that this week. I'm going on Wednesdays and Thursdays. I love it, now I just need to go and come home and not binge after. I think it will help me center and focus.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Medina, Ohio
Posts: 372
Sunshine,
Ahh the highly functional alcoholic, I are one too. Thought I was the only one don't ya know, I believe they call it terminal uniqueness.
I often felt I had suffered no consequences due to my drinking, only hurting myself and all that, well I was wrong... descended down that road where only I was and wanted to keep it that way...isolation.. just me and my beer and the wonderful committee in my head that never tires of debate.
Well reality hit hard and fast one day and I thank God for it. It got my butt to A.A. where amazingly enough there were all kinda folk like me, found a new way to live and, this is a big one for me, FRIENDS...
I suggest you get to a meeting and get the support and help you need before you lose your BF, I think sobriety is a far better road when shared with someone who loves you vice going it alone. Just my humble opinion.
John
Ahh the highly functional alcoholic, I are one too. Thought I was the only one don't ya know, I believe they call it terminal uniqueness.
I often felt I had suffered no consequences due to my drinking, only hurting myself and all that, well I was wrong... descended down that road where only I was and wanted to keep it that way...isolation.. just me and my beer and the wonderful committee in my head that never tires of debate.
Well reality hit hard and fast one day and I thank God for it. It got my butt to A.A. where amazingly enough there were all kinda folk like me, found a new way to live and, this is a big one for me, FRIENDS...
I suggest you get to a meeting and get the support and help you need before you lose your BF, I think sobriety is a far better road when shared with someone who loves you vice going it alone. Just my humble opinion.
John
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
