litchfamily

I don't know if this is the right place to start but I have been reading some of the posts over the last few weeks and want to start learning how I can keep living with an alcoholic.

I have been living with my husband for 17 years who is an alcoholic. I have 3 beautiful girls which is why I am still here. I am sure most of everything I am going to say you have heard before but I guess maybe I need to get it out.

We have been able to manage as a family for all of this time because I guess I have kept rescuing. My husband, I think, is a managing alcoholic. He works hard in the financial business and has made us a very good living. I believe he loves us but as with all alcoholics, he loves the drink first. He drinks beer mostly 6 pack or 2 but will also drink wine.

We have a nice social life but all with people who drink. He makes many promises and cannot keep them. I was in therapy for 1 year and then we went to couples conseling for a year. All we ever talked about was his drinking but he is not about to stop. I keep hearing he needs to hit his bottom before he mighht decide to do something and maybe losing his family might be his bottom but I am afraid that will be too late. I am still interested in saving our marriage. when he doesn't drink we get a long great.I don't always agree wih everything he says but that would be in any marriage.

I am concerned for my teenage girls now who are looking to their father as a model for who they will choose later in life.

I feel like I live with Jeykl and HIde. During the week he is fine, unless he plays golf, but every weekend, Friday, Saturday and Sunday he gets drunk. He hides his beer in his car or in the garage. He has never been violent toward any of us but he does get angry and rambles on about things when he is drunk. I get a sour puss look on my face when he is drunk and then clam up. I will leave the room or go somewhere just so I am not around him. I have so much anger!

I guess what I don't understand is how I am going to detach from him and still raise our girls. I never talk about his drinking in front of the girls. Once or twice they have asked if Dad was drunk but thats it.

Last week I went to an alonon meeting for the first time and I want to keep going. I realize this is about me and changing my behaviors but at this point I
don't see how we can keep our same life. I never know what to say to him in front of the kids when he is drunk and rambling. I am not even sure if it is ok for me to have a glass of wine in front of him. Do we stop being social with our friends if I now there will be drinking involved? I have so many questions and not very many answers.

Thanks for listening

MsPINKAcres

Welcome to our SR family,

As for if you are in the right place, I think so - I know that I have found wonderful help, love and compassion with my SoberRecovery Family. I too attend al-anon meetings to help with the ways I have been affected by another person's drinking.

The first thing I learned were the slogans. One Day at a Time, First Things First, Easy Does it, Let Go & Let God and Live & Let Live. If you have any al-anon materials there are great readings on these & other slogans that helped me slow down that frantic thinking in my mind and helped me to Breathe and regain a little of my sanity.

Others will be along to suggest other great books that can help also.

Most of all, please know that you are NOT alone and you can find serenity & joy in your life regardless of the actions of others in your life.

((HUGS)) to you,

Rita

Barbara52

AlAnon is a good place to learn and help yourself. Depending on their ages, AlAnon or AlATeen can help your children also.

Keep reading and posting. THis place can provide wonderful support for you.

Rella927

Welcome to SR LitchFamily! Sorry that you are going through this.....Please check out the stickies at the top of the forum too....you are in the right place!

Glad that you decided to go to Al-Anon-as it helped me through and still does a lot in my life.

Sounds like my XABF, My brothers and God rest my father......

IMHO I think we see who we love when they are not drinking however when they drink and turn into this person we do not know who they are however the fact remains it is not someone that most us can live with if they continue on a path of destruction

Life is not black and white it has beautiful colors and hues....we have the choice to change our lives so that we can see these colors-

Keep going to Al-Anon as it will help to answer a lot of your questions just by hearing others share-When we start to see things more clear our answers to our questions do come to us.

IMHO the girls do know what is going on-

Place the focus on you and your girls and take it off him for now...

litchfamily

Thanks. It is a relief to know there are others out there that are or have gone through what I am. I keep reading about the stickies but I don't know where to find them. Can someone explain how I can access them?

Thanks

litchfamily

I think I am confused about how I take the focus off him and put it more on myself and the girls? Does that mean ignore him? Don't cook, clean, shop for him? Don't engage in conversations? We talk alot during the day and in the evening, about the kids, the house, what we are doing on the weekend, vacation coming up, etc.

I know that I have always been a better listener than talker. I have never been comfortable talking or focusing on myself so I don'tt hink I know how???? I have always focused alot on the girls but they are getting older and don;t need as much as they did from now. I guess I am lost!

Barbara52

The stickies are the threads right above where your thread is listed. They are a collection of threads that always stay at the top of threads in the forum for easy access since they contain lots of very useful information.

Bernadette

Hiya litchfamiy--
Welcome to SR!

Stickies are at the very top of the first page of Friend and Family of Alcoholics (above your thread!)

That's great that you have found AlAnon. There you will find lots of helpful info and literature on how to cope with your situation and how to change YOUR life for the better!

I was 15 when my dad got sober. But those 15 years of growing up in my alcoholic family affected me for life! I now have 2 brothers who are active alcoholics and 1 who doesn't drink anymore but smokes pot 24/7/365. When I finally found AlAnon in my twenties it was a lifesaver!

And it's not like - oh dad got sober and now everything is just peachy...a parent in recovery from alcoholism is a whole other new dynamic for a kid to deal with. There's a lot of "aftermath" for the whole family!

Unfortunately there is a legacy of shame and secrecy in most alcoholic families that children learn pretty much automatically. No one may ever say the specific words "don't tell" or "don't talk about it" - but it's pretty clear when no one is dealing with it openly and honestly. It can cause a lot of problems for future relationships for children of alcoholics so I just want to encourage you to be honest and in REALITY with your daughters.

Call it what it is: alcoholism. Find them some stuff to read or maybe suggest AlaTeen if they are old enough. I wish that even just once, just once, my mother had taken me aside and said - "Here's what's going on - it's not your fault - we didn't cause it, can't control it, can't cure it...but if you ever want to talk about it I'll talk to you about it." That would've spared me a world of heartache and searching for what the hell was WRONG with me and my family!!!! I knew we were different. I knew things were very wrong... It's the classic elephant in the living room that no one is mentioning but the tension is unbearable. When I finally became a teenager and could see what the real deal was and told my mother that dad was an alcoholic she slapped me right across the face! Unreal. Old school!!!

You're in a good place here and at AlAnon- just take it easy - one day at a time and all these new things you are reading about will make sense..
Peace-
B.

Barbara52

Same here. Instead I am unlearning at 53 all that I learned from my family.

litchfamily

Thanks so much! I guess I don't want to tell my girls because then I feel like a failure, which I guess is what I do feel like. I chose this person, who I think I have know from the beginning, was an alcoholic. Why did I make this choice? IS it the classic Beauty and the Beast? I can tame him? I wish I had been more grown up to see that when it came to parenting he was not going to make a great father? He is too self involved to even begin to parent our kids. He leave all that up to me.

Pajarito

Hi litchfamily. The stickies are posted at the top of the "Friends and Family of Alcoholics" page. It's the page with all the threads. . .

Welcome. I have been with my STBXAH for 18 years- married 12. We have a dd- 10 yrs old. He left us 9 months ago to get me to realize what a great guy he was. I feel like I hit my bottom then- and before that I had been reading about alcoholism and going to al-anon- always with the intention of helping him, or trying to change his behavior. It doesn't work. I thought I was taking care of myself- I thought I knew who I was. Over the past 9 months my eyes see things differently. . . I was living a very narrow life with AH. Little by little over time I was trying to accommodate his lies, deception, and of course drinking. My whole life revolved around him or our dd. In dealing with life that way I had lost myself. My house is so much more peaceful now. I read a lot- still- but I'm reading "Co-dependent No More" and "Beyond Co-dependency"- both by Melody Beattie. I remember reading CDNM 2-3 years ago and being so annoyed with it. NOW I get it! If you can find that book- do read it. It will open your eyes to a lot of things. I find as a mother it is easy to be a caretaker. I have one child- I didn't need another one messing up the house, sleeping on the couch and ranting and raving about how hard his life is because of me. We are getting a divorce- and no- not everyone does. It's been very hard, but I feel like I am living my life for me now. In order for me to be a great mom I have to take care of myself first. I'm learning how to do that.

And BTW- I remember in my misery when AH was actively drinking thinking I had to keep us together for our dd- I realize now that her life will be better with one healthy parent. Her model of what marriage is like was not healthy at all. No- divorce is not ideal- but I have to believe she will be ok if I'm ok. Living with AH- I was not ok; not fulfilled, not paid attention to, not listened to- I didn't have an equal, loving partner. I hope you'll do what you can to learn how to focus on yourself.

(((Take care)))

Pajarito

YOU are not a failure. You are raising 3 girls! You did not cause your AH's drinking. There's nothing you can do to stop him. Nothing. What you can do is to start talking to your girls- be honest. They probably know this is a problem already. Kids are so smart- but they may try to do things to control the situation or may not truly understand unless someone they can trust- you- takes them aside and lets them know it is dad- not them- not you who chooses to drink. If you can get healthy- they will have a much better chance at being realistic about what is happening.

Barbara52

I have taken my bad choice to marry a man I knew to be an alcoholic and used it as a lesson to my sons on how not to make choices on who to marry. Now my circumstances are a bit different in that I have been married to my AH only 5 yrs. But I still didn't want to admit to having screwed up that badly for quite a while. I felt ever so much better once I stopped living in denial and started dealing in reality.

litchfamily

Thanks again for all your support. I really need it. I know I read the Co-Dependent No more but I cam going to read it again.

Bernadette

I think I am confused about how I take the focus off him and put it more on myself and the girls? Does that mean ignore him? Don't cook, clean, shop for him? Don't engage in conversations? We talk alot during the day and in the evening, about the kids, the house, what we are doing on the weekend, vacation coming up, etc.

Yeah, these are all the interactions we begin holding up to the light and asking...hmmmmm is this healthy or unhealthy - should I say this or this....am I enabling or not?? Right now that you are looking for help and answers you will be questioning everything - and you may not have the answers immediately. This stuff works in baby steps at first. It's a good question to bring to AlAnon whenever you're ready to speak - or if you just keep going to meetings some version of it will pop up...
and it's funny - well for me it's with my brothers - but I go through a few years where one system or style of detachment will work, and then things change - there will be a shift in me or in the progression of their alcoholism and I have to re-visit some of the same questions again.

But it does get clearer - as you fill your tool chest with new tools, it really does get more manageable.
Peace,
B.

Chrysalis123

Hi Litchfamily,

I can so relate to your post. I have been married 18 years and have 2 kids, 13 and 11. I too struggle with the "why did I pick this guy" question. I've come to the conclusion that at the moment it is the wrong thing for me to be concerned with. I will deal with it, but right now I need to focus on healing myself so I can be the emotionally healthy, functioning, reliable parent for my kids. I have lived in denial for so long and am now realizing that my family's situation is what it is and all that bashing myself over the head for my poor choice will not do me one bit of good. So instead I do healing things like attend alanon, read alanon literature every day( favorites are the daily readers like Hope for Today and another book called How Alanon Works), journal, reach out to others (a hard one for me), individual counseling, find fun in each day, focus on the positive and be grateful for what I have.

My journey is far from over. But since I realized I was at my bottom 6 months ago and crawled myself into my first ALanon meeting and cried through the first few meetings I discovered I had become as sick or sicker than my AH, BUT there is hope for me and my kids.

I am a living example of that and you will be too, one day at a time.

matrix

I have to agree with Bernadette and others that your daughters already know. My mom is an alcoholic. When I was growing up, she was high functioning; worked FT (a high school teacher) and was the sole bread winner by the time I was in high school. She drank every day. She never passed out or fell down or was obviously drunk in public; she wasn't violent or anything. She was inclined to be depressed and self-pitying and would ramble on (which made me really uncomfortable). As early as middle school, I didn't like bringing friends home 'cos I didn't know what she'd be like. I don't think anyone else would have even guessed that she was under the influence, but I ALWAYS knew and always felt yucky about it.
The whole thing about secrecy and shame is right on and it is also scary as a child to know that your parent is out of control.
Trust me, your kids know and are unhappy. Also,your kids watch what you do. How you deal with it is affecting them.
I am not saying this to put pressure on you or make you feel bad. Just want you to know that you shouldn't underestimate what your daughters know and what they are learning.
Make sure that you take care of yourself and them. He will not make you and them a priority, if he's not ready to stop.

LaTeeDa

I just have to chime in and agree with the thoughts above about the children. I grew up in an alcoholic home and I don't believe it is a coincidence that I grew up and married an alcholic. The role models parents provide to children are very lasting. My dad died when I was 13, but no one ever talked about him being an alcoholic.

Now that I am no longer with my husband, and my children have gone to counseling, the difference in them is amazing. They used to be withdrawn and never want to have their friends over, etc. These days, my house is always filled with their friends. (Some of whom I suspect have unhappy/dysfunctional/alcoholic families themselves.) Healthy, happy children are the most precious thing in my life these days. And, I used to think they were healthy and happy before. I was so focused on my husband and his problems, I couldn't see how much my children were suffering. (BTW, they are 15-girl, and 11-boy and I was married for 18 years.)

Now, if I could just get some of these kids out of my house so I could have some peace and quite! LOL

L

LaTeeDa

Oh yeah, and I also wanted to say that I can totally understand your feelings of failure. I felt that way, too. After years of living in alcoholic hell, I still couldn't bear to utter the word "divorce." And, even though we have been separated almost three years, I am just this week finishing up the last bit of paperwork so the divorce can be finalized.

I guess what finally occurred to me is that recognizing my mistakes and correcting them is not failure. Continuing to make the same mistakes over and over is.

L

litchfamily

Wow. I really should talk more with them. I guess I have been in a state of denial as well. I am just afraid that once I have the conversation with them, "Your Dad is an Alcoholic" they will never feel the same about him. Rescuing again?

BTW he just left the house to "Go Give His Mom Some Dinner" - she keeps beer in her refrigerator (we are out). It makes me so angry and I know I have to let it go!