solost

I had found out on Xmas this year that my boyfriend was using crack. Our relationship had been rocky for the previous 5 months or so, but I had attributed that to normal stresses of any relationship and to the ongoing financial hardships we were having. But by xmas he was holed up in the office for days at a time and his anger at me made no sense. When I wanted to talk to him, he wanted to bring up and yell about all the things I've done wrong in the past 4 years. He finally confessed to smoking crack and left the house.

He came back a week later and we both agreed to try to work things out. He said he stopped doing crack and things were kinda better for a while. 5weeks ago he decided to get off suboxone completely. I tried to be patient and tiptoed around the house for 2 weeks so as not to set him off while he was detoxing. Then 3 weeks ago things went from bad to worse. The neighbors dog ate our bird and that seemed to set him off into this downward spiral. We had a huge fight and he again left for a week. When he came back he apologized and blamed the withdrawal on suboxone and his stress level because of it. He started asking for space and once again locked himself in his room.

But my inner voice kept telling me something else was wrong. I caught him lying constantly. Found out he was borrowing money from friends and neighbors. 20 bucks here. 60 bucks there. Everytime I ask him if he's using again he denies and says,"it's the suboxone" and "i admitted it the last time, why would I lie now". He says that he wouldn't be eating all that he is if he was on it. But there is an emotional disconnect that wasn't there the first 2 weeks of his detoxing. Instead of lying next to me in bed, he's in the office watching porn. I feel like I'm going insane. I have become someone I no longer recognize. For the first time in 4 years of our relationship, I am spying on him. I search his office when he's not home, I search his phone when he is.

2+2 are adding up be 10 and I still find myself wanting more to believe that I'm wrong instead of facing the truth. Am I crazy? Where do I go from here? I can't make him go to treatment when he can't even admit the truth to me. Can someone offer any advice? My love for him alone can't save him and I don't even know where to start.

thank you

prodigal

You're not crazy; you're codependent. However, continuing to dance with him in his downward spiral is going to make you crazy. Even if he's not doing drugs right now, he's substituted one addiction for another; porn to replace the drugs.

He's demeaning himself. He's demeaning you. And he's made a mockery of your relationship. This is just my opinion, but you are feeling a major case of the "crazies" because you are afraid to let the addict go. He's walking all over you, with his dramatic exits and re-entrances.

And you're putting up with this crap. I'd suggest that rather than allowing HIS addiction to rule YOUR life, you begin by asking yourself why you are continuing to live with this mess.

Nothing is going to add up regarding him. He's an addict. He's going to lie, manipulate, and use. Does he have a job? Are you working? Are you living in a place that is in both of your names?

The reason for my questions is this: I'd suggest an extended "vacation" from this man so you can assess what is going on in your life and what you need to do to get better.

What he chooses to do is beyond your control. We all own our own recovery. This may be the time to begin your's.

Barbara52

Listen to your gut feelings. His behavior sounds like he's using again to me.

The real question is what are you willing to do about it? How much bad behavior, regardless of the reasons for it, are you willing to put up with? You deserve better in life.

solost

We own a house together, one that I've been paying the mortgage for. We have had fights for years over money issues. I couldn't understand where all his money was going but it always was "going back into the business" for parts/suppliers/employees. I am now a month and a half late on mortgage payments and trying to find a way out.

I was in a car accident when I was seventeen and broke my neck. The annuitity I recieve has been paying the bills and I need to find out if it will be protected if I have to foreclose. Right now I am 2 hours away at a friends house, originially to "give him space as he withdrawls from suboxone", but I now know I can no longer hide from the truth. His addiction is killing him and me. I barely eat, barely sleep and can not stop my mind from racing. One second I'm strong, the next Im weeping uncontrollably. I've been gone since Fri and i'm just now begining to feel like I can breathe.

Barbara52

I'd suggest talking to an attorney and find out exactly what you can do and what your rights are. I would hope your annuity is untouchable in the same way retirement accounts are untouchable.

GiveLove

Solost,

Isn't it strange how similar we are, ourselves and our addicted loved ones? We go through withdrawal, just like they do, and that's a necessary pain in order to get some distance away from whatever's controlling us. The first few days are really hard....I remember mine really well, anyway. I was in a similar situation. Somehow roped into being the breadwinner, obsessively snooping around, heartbroken and confused.

You've been through a lot. I am glad you're getting a little space to breathe and look at all of this objectively. Just like addicts, we've gotta break our addictions one day at a time, trying to gain a little more ground with each passing day. A few less tears, a little more sleep, 'til you're feeling stronger. Eat well, take a natural sleep aid like melatonin if it helps you sleep, get out in the fresh air. Pamper your body. Help yourself get better so you can make the right decisions for yourself.

YOUR life is much, much bigger than whatever choices your BF makes.

Like Barbara said, a good first step -- and these can all be small, small steps done when you're feeling strong -- is to find out the legals ins & outs of your situation. On another day, you may want to talk to a real estate person to find out if there are any other options short of foreclosure. Separating your finances, wherever they're connected, is a good idea. Baby steps are how we get to a better place.

Have you ever read the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie? We talk about it all the time here because many of us share some of the same obsessive caretaking thoughts. (You know, the ones where you think you're going crazy with confusion over someone else's behavior) You may want to get it from the library and read it....it was a real eye-opener for ME anyway.

None of this means you shouldn't love him. It just means you love yourself more.

Keep checking in with us or on the F&F of Substance Abusers board....lots of wisdom around!

Hugs,
GL

abcdefg

What you describe is what we refer to as "insanity."

Addiction is a progressive disease. It progresses in the addict and it also progresses in those of us who are affected by the addicts behavior.

Someone who is under the influence of substance is not in their right mind. Not using for a few weeks -- even if that is true -- is NOT the same as being sober. So I find it's a good idea to remember that I am not talking to someone who is capable of much (if anything) in the way of contribution, integrity, investment, commitment.

There is a great passage in one of the books from Al-anon that talks about how "alcoholics act and we REact." (You can substitute the word addict for alcoholic and you get the same truth.) It talks about how just because the alcoholic says that we are unsupportive or lazy or whatever we are being accused of does not mean it's true. It talks about how if the alcoholic says the sky is orange, we KNOW the sky is not orange. But if they KEEP saying it, somehow we start to doubt ourselves. "IS the sky orange?"

To anyone who has not been up close and personal with As, this sounds ridiculous. How can anyone be so weak or stupid -- or want to stay with someone who acts this way?

The short answer is: we, too, can become ill.

We aren't using the drugs or drinking the alcohol or viewing the porn -- but we are obsessed with the person who is doing those things, in denial about the effects of their behavior, angry that we are not getting what we want or need, and we also feel guilty that things have gone wrong.

In Al-anon, I found people who understand without judgment, a way to focus on myself, tools for dealing with my life, and ways to find recovery from the effects that this disease has had on my life, particularly in the form of the distortion of my thinking.

You've come to the right place. There is a lot of wisdom on SR. People here have so much to offer. We've been where you are, in part or in whole.

Thanks for sharing. I hope you'll continue.

abc

Kindeyes

Hey
Welcome to SR. Stick around. There are a lot of people in varying stages of recovery who can provide insight to the disease of addiction/alcoholism as well as codependency.

Taking a little break like you are doing will give your mind a chance to rest. There is comfort knowing that others have dealt with the pain of loving an addict/alcoholic and have survived.

gentle hugs

solost

I find it strange to find myself in this situation. My family and friends that I have been open and honest with have been giving their advice and encouragement, but I find myself to be angry and frustrated at their words. They start attacking him and my brain starts defending him. They want to talk about my plans for the next month and I'm silently screaming for them to shut up and give me a chance to get through the next minute without losing my mind.

When I say I'm so lost I truly mean it. Once upon a time I made sense within myself. What meant up yesterday now means down today and vice versa. I feel so many conflicting emotions at the same moment that nothing is constant. My need to be next to him and loving him makes as much sense as being apart and angry at him. I tried going to an alanon meeting tonight. I got lost and drove around for over 2 hours. During that time I convinced myself I was crazy, convinced myself I was sane and then convinced myself that I was crazy again and didn't need to find a meeting. I'm locked in a need to believe him as much as a need to distrust him.

Rationally, I have read through this sight. Irrationally I say but that isn't me...it isn't "us".

i4getsm

I understand that lost feeling all too well. You are not crazy. I know you want to believe him, but even if he wasn't using, is he being the person you want/need in your life? Think of it this way...remove the idea that he is using crack. He's just a guy who is holing up in his office for days at a time, watching porn for hours at a time, lying to you, and borrowing money that I assume he won't pay back. Is this the person you want in your life? Are you so worthless that you're willing to take so little in the name of love?

No. You are not worthless. You've just gotten off the path and need some help finding your way again. We like to think that we can fix a person. That their "potential" is just waiting to be uncovered if only they would get help. The problem is that you did not sign up to transform someone, like one might mold clay into a piece of art. That is GOD's job...not yours.

Listen to that voice inside you that says something is wrong here. You need to trust your instincts.