Bridgette29

Hi guys - my father has been an alcoholic for 40 years now and I know he's not going to change. I really wasn't struggling with that too badly until recently when he lost everything he had - his company, his homes, his license. (prior to this he lost a lot too, 2 marriages, 2 brothers.) He's fallen into a deep depression and has been trying to commit suicide.

I don't even know why I care. This is a man who beat my mother and 4 brothers growing up and molested me. I've spent my whole life with a pretty level head knowing there's nothing I can do to change him. I love my Dad... he's MY DAD. I can't turn my back on that... right now I just feel like all I can do is watch him die one way or another. Any ideas or thought?

Edited to add:
I forgot to mention... his girlfriend is ready to throw him out because when he tried to hurt himself and she intervenes - he goes after her violently. So, basically the only option is for him to live with me or go homeless.

prodigal

Are there homeless shelters in your area? Any possibility that if he's out on the street he may hit bottom? I know that the Salvation Army runs rehab facilities here in Arizona for people with no financial support.

If he goes after his gf violently, I don't think it would be wise to take him in. The chances are, he would go after you too if you intervened in any attempt to hurt himself.

Yes, he is your father but he is also an addict prone to violence - against himself and others. JMO, but I would stay out of the situation and let him endure the consequences of his own actions.

Barbara52

No, those are not the only options. He can choose to help himself and find a place to live. He can choose to get treatment. He can choose all sorts of things.

Your choice is whether or not to let him move in with you. I would think very carefully before allowing that to happen. I'm not telling you not to do it but consider what that means for you (and any family you have) before you decide to make that move.

Bridgette29

Yeah, I can't have him live with me. I'm married... my husband and I are trying to start a family. He'd ruin my marriage.

There's no homeless shelters in our area... and he refuses to get help for his addiction.

I'm so envious that my 4 brothers can be so detached. Their motto is basically "He's a grown man and he's going to do what he wants to do... there's nothing you can do to change that." :-(

suki44883

As difficult as it is to hear, you're brothers are right. He is a grown man and you cannot change him. He is not your responsibility. If his girlfriend throws him out, that is not your responsibility either. Sometimes we have to just let them hit bottom and make their own decisions about how to get out of it. I know it's hard, but unless you want him living in your home, you need to understand that.

Prayers going out to you.

Barbara52

Your brothers have the right idea IMO.

Perhaps you can try to figure out why it is that you cannot allow yourself to detach?

I'll note that there is a high probably that my AH will end up homeless unless our house sells in the next month. I will hate to see it but its a consequence of his choices.

Rella927

Welcome Bridgette

Sorry you are going through this-Sounds like a tuff childhood as a lot here in SR have had too.So you are not alone!

This is horrendous disease and there is honestly nothing we can do if the choice they make is to continue to drink!

I do believe that your brothers have the right idea!

We gave my brother the address to the Salvation Army when he lost his 26 year marriage, 25 year job, got DUI 4 times, went to jail 2 times, among to many other things to mention....

IMHO if this would make you feel a bit better give the address and phone number to your father-there is one in NY The Salvation Army, Syracuse Area Services and let him take his grown life into his own hands.

IMHO taking him into your home with him still drinking is not a good choice.

Sending you thoughts and prayers....

Have you maybe checked out going to an Al-Anon meeting for yourself? They have helped me in many ways....just a thought

laurie6781

Yep there are:

Syracuse homeless services -
(315) 449-3552


The Salvation Army of Syracuse
677 South Salina Street
Syracuse, NY 13202
315-475-1688

He will find shelter, one way or another.

Please DO NOT take him into your home.

Please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing, we do care.

Love and hugs,

Bridgette29

I just got off the phone with his counselor, then his girlfriends daughter, then him.

His counselor asked me to bring him in tomorrow. That means *I* have to drive 1 hour to get him, 1 hour to the counselors, 1 hour to drop him off, then 1 hour to get home. 4 hours for him to go LIE to his counselor about his behavior.

His girlfriends daughter told me he's pulling knives on her mom. She's been staying in hotels every other night. I decided to open up to her and tell her THATS NORMAL. I even told her he had molested me and then SHE told me he came into her bedroom last year acting creepy when she still lived with them. He is ruining their lives now and burning all his bridges.

What do I do???

Do I even bother to go to the counselor with him?
Do I keep taking all these phone calls from his girlfriend and her daughters?
Do I talk to him? If not, do I just wait for him to die?

I can't keep doing what I am doing - my life is being affected. I'm getting NO WORK done and crying ALL DAMN DAY. I have enough crap in my life that requires all this energy... my business, my bills, my marriage... it's all going down the damn tubes because my drunk father keeps trying to drag knives over his wrists. This is BS.

suki44883

YOU don't have to take him anywhere. YOU don't have to be involved any more than you want to be. YOU can refuse to take the phone calls. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but you can only be used if you allow yourself to be. Give his girlfriend the phone numbers and address of the shelters listed above and then tell her that you are out of it. Or....

LaTeeDa

Helping others is a noble thing to do. How do we know when it stops being noble and starts being a problem? When I am putting more effort into helping someone than they are putting into helping themselves....................

L

i4getsm

Anyone who really wants to commit suicide would be dead already. This is his way of getting attention. I know that sounds harsh, but I'm calling a spade, a spade.

I would imagine part of you believes that if he dies and you did nothing that it will be your fault. So if you do all of this running around and taking him in and he still dies...is it still your fault? No - because it never was to begin with.

I'm really sorry you are going through this. I agree with your brothers. He is a grown man. You are not responsible for his decisions and helping him with his life. It's a horrible choice to make to remove yourself from him, but he's really already made that decision for you, hasn't he? (((HUGS)))

Barbara52

You can stop the madness creeping into your life anytime you want to by acting in your own best interests and setting boundaries. You are not responsible for your father, his girlfriend or her daughter. You cannot change your father or control him or cure him. Only he can do that. You can choose to live your life without the madness and drama that is centered around your father.

GiveLove

Bridgette,

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. It's a situation I've gone through no less than three times, with siblings. There's no getting around some very hard decisions here.

I hate to say this, but you seem to be trying to be superwoman and save everybody, even people who don't seem to want to save themselves. You're going to save your dad, save your dad's girlfriend.....both of whom have made adult choices that put them where they are.

You are missing one important piece of the puzzle: Saving YOU. Read some of the posts here that are around setting boundaries with alcoholics. Oftentimes, we have to do whatever we can live with. Some, including myself, have had to say, "This is the last thing I'm going to do for you/him, and then I will let you/him go with good conscience to make your own decisions."

Under no circumstances are you obligated to be his chauffeur, and I certainly wouldn't allow this man in your home at this point unless you are seriously contemplating ruining your life. But if it will make you feel better in the future if you take this one last step with him, then take it. If it won't, then don't. Whatever you do, do what's right for YOU.

You've chosen to live.
Good luck, and protect yourself.

GL

p.s. Just because someone is your relative does not mean you have to love them. Love is a verb, something you choose to do. The thought that you HAVE to love someone who contributed some chromosomes to you is just society's programming.

Astro

Hello Bridgette, welcome to SR. This can be a wonderful place for your recovery to begin. I hope you find the answers and support you're looking for.

Rella mentioned Al-Anon meetings, they're wonderful, and I'll also put a vote in for codependency meetings. I'm an alcoholic in recovery, I grew up in an alcoholic family, and while my father has never been physically abusive he definitely knows how to be mentally abusive towards his children. The program of Codependents Anonymous has helped me to understand how to keep the focus on my well-being and recovery, and that's led to healthier and happier relationships in other areas of my life.

Here's a meditation I found that helps me to remember how powerless I am over other people in my life......

Sunday, September 7, 2008
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go

Powerless over Others

Stop making excuses for other people.

Stop making excuses for ourselves.

While it is our goal to develop compassion and achieve forgiveness, acceptance, and love, it is also our goal to accept reality and hold people accountable for their behavior. We can also hold ourselves accountable for our own behavior and, at the same time, have compassion and understanding for ourselves.

When we claim powerlessness, we are not claiming irresponsibility. We have no power to control others, what they do, what they did, or what they might do. We're stating that we are willing to end an ineffective life based on willpower and control. And we're beginning a spiritual, mental, and emotional journey in which we take responsibility for ourselves.

We are not victims. We are not helpless. Accepting powerlessness when that is appropriate enables us to begin owning our true power to take care of ourselves.

Today, I will avoid making excuses for my own or someone else's behavior. I will let consequences and responsibility fall where they belong.

From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation. All rights reserved.

Astro

I'd like to share this too, I especially like the "Thought To Ponder"......

AA Thought for the Day
(courtesy AAOnline.net)

June 7, 2008

Tornado!


The alcoholic is like a tornado roaring his way through the lives of others.
Hearts are broken. Sweet relationships are dead.
Affections have been uprooted.
Selfish and inconsiderate habits have kept the home in turmoil.
We feel a man is unthinking when he says that sobriety is enough.
He is like the farmer who came out of his cyclone cellar
to find his home ruined. To his wife, he remarked,
"Don't see anything the matter here, Ma. Ain't it grand the wind stopped blowin'?"

© 2001 AAWS, Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 82
With permission, Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.



Thought to Ponder . . .


There is only one corner of the universe I can be certain of improving,
and that's my own self.

FormerDoormat

If you drive him to the appointment and spend half a day with him, he will use the time to manipulate you into letting him stay with you. Alcoholics are masters at manipulation.

Sounds like your father is hell bent on drinking himself into oblivion. Take it from someone who watched their partner of 25 years drink himself to death--you don't want to be around to watch. The less you know about his whereabouts and activities, the better.

Kindeyes

Threatening suicide is one of the tools that my XAH used to keep me in a marriage far longer than I should have. Years later my RA son used the same tactic (when he was actively drinking). I couldn't bear the thought that if I left or I didn't do whatever it is that they wanted me to do, I would be responsible for their death. That's some pretty powerful emotional terrorism. They used it because it worked.

A few months ago, my son did it to me again. He threated suicide. I called the police and gave them his address. It shocked him that I didn't react in my usual manner. It shocked him that I actually did what I said I was going to do. It shocked him when he heard me on the phone with 911 (he was on the cell phone while I was on my land line calling 911). I meant business. I was NOT going to allow myself to be held emotional hostage anymore.

It's your choice. You can take accountability for something you cannot control if that's what you want to do. OR you can put the accountability right where it belongs.....with a grown man. He has choices too. And believe me, he isn't thinking about what is best for you when he makes those choices.

Take care of YOU!!!!!

SugarLily

Welcome Bridgette

I'm so sorry for all the hurt you are going through right now. It's so unfair how anothers actions can affect us so much isn't it. But they can only do that if we allow them.

It is very difficult to detatch. Your brothers do indeed have the right idea "He's a grown man" and I understand the pain you are going through. You are a caring person and you want to help but you have so much stress on your shoulders now because of this.

Please keep visiting here, SR is a great help.