I Never Used to Feel This Way
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Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: CO
Posts: 72
I Never Used to Feel This Way
I know I haven't posted here in awhile, but things are becoming a little overwhelming, and I thought this place might be a good refuge again. Hope no one minds.
In case anyone's curious, my background is mainly explained in my other post entitled "Just an Expression," but in a nutshell, I'm an 18 year old college student home for the summer dealing with alcholoic parents, mainly my mom.
So my mom is having major foot surgery and she's very worried about it. She'll be off work for 6 weeks (I bet she stops taking pain pills after the first 4 days to get a fix of alcohol). Her mom, my grandma, has had surgery after surgery and so many complications for the last ten years. Just a few minutes ago, practically right after I get off from work, my mom turns to me and says "Do you realize that I'm having surgery soon? Do you realize my mom is in a bad state?" And she said it in such a cruel way, in a way implying that I could care less and that I was a horrible person. Even though she's having surgery, I can't help but be bitchy towards a comment like that. A few seconds latter she says "I don't think you really care about me." Ok... I do care and I have asked her about it, but the thing is... I'm working at Sonic from 11-4 (9-4 on weekends) five days a week, babysitting the other two days a week, and working at another restraunt 5-6 nights a week. I'm never home, I go straight to bed and wake up early in the morning. I don't have time to sit and ask her a lot of questions--I never even see her! I know I should be concerned about her surgery, and I am, but she was trying to make me feel guilty and there's no excuse for behavior like that. I told her she was trying to make me feel guilty, that I have too much going on, that I couldn't deal with her. I left the room and came to this site. My brother followed me (he witnessed this) and got my spirits up a bit.
When this happened, I was reminded about one of the pages here about guilt. I never thought I could really relate to that aspect, I mean, I never really thought my mom tried to make me feel guilty until I realized what she was doing tonight.
I think I just needed to get that out.
I just... have so much anger towards my parents. I'm not nice to them, and I'm usually a nice person. I"m just always snippy and bitchy towards them and I know it's because of the alcohol, because I resent them for being so irresponsible. Sometimes, a lot recently, I feel like I want to break off all contact with them. I mean, I don't feel like a healthy person when I'm near them. My anger is only getting worse. My mom is constantly nagging me about leaving little messes in places (usually my work clothes) and I finally was just like, I can't live her over the summer again, this is the last time. She said something like "I agree" and I snapped back saying "oh it's so nice that you don't want me here!" I become so immature around them and I really can't stand myself. I almost feel like it would be healthy to distance myself from them for awhile, at least I can get a handle on my mental state before I can't have a relationship with them.
I never used to feel this way.
In case anyone's curious, my background is mainly explained in my other post entitled "Just an Expression," but in a nutshell, I'm an 18 year old college student home for the summer dealing with alcholoic parents, mainly my mom.
So my mom is having major foot surgery and she's very worried about it. She'll be off work for 6 weeks (I bet she stops taking pain pills after the first 4 days to get a fix of alcohol). Her mom, my grandma, has had surgery after surgery and so many complications for the last ten years. Just a few minutes ago, practically right after I get off from work, my mom turns to me and says "Do you realize that I'm having surgery soon? Do you realize my mom is in a bad state?" And she said it in such a cruel way, in a way implying that I could care less and that I was a horrible person. Even though she's having surgery, I can't help but be bitchy towards a comment like that. A few seconds latter she says "I don't think you really care about me." Ok... I do care and I have asked her about it, but the thing is... I'm working at Sonic from 11-4 (9-4 on weekends) five days a week, babysitting the other two days a week, and working at another restraunt 5-6 nights a week. I'm never home, I go straight to bed and wake up early in the morning. I don't have time to sit and ask her a lot of questions--I never even see her! I know I should be concerned about her surgery, and I am, but she was trying to make me feel guilty and there's no excuse for behavior like that. I told her she was trying to make me feel guilty, that I have too much going on, that I couldn't deal with her. I left the room and came to this site. My brother followed me (he witnessed this) and got my spirits up a bit.
When this happened, I was reminded about one of the pages here about guilt. I never thought I could really relate to that aspect, I mean, I never really thought my mom tried to make me feel guilty until I realized what she was doing tonight.
I think I just needed to get that out.
I just... have so much anger towards my parents. I'm not nice to them, and I'm usually a nice person. I"m just always snippy and bitchy towards them and I know it's because of the alcohol, because I resent them for being so irresponsible. Sometimes, a lot recently, I feel like I want to break off all contact with them. I mean, I don't feel like a healthy person when I'm near them. My anger is only getting worse. My mom is constantly nagging me about leaving little messes in places (usually my work clothes) and I finally was just like, I can't live her over the summer again, this is the last time. She said something like "I agree" and I snapped back saying "oh it's so nice that you don't want me here!" I become so immature around them and I really can't stand myself. I almost feel like it would be healthy to distance myself from them for awhile, at least I can get a handle on my mental state before I can't have a relationship with them.
I never used to feel this way.
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Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Mountain West
Posts: 96
So I basically feel like I just read a post from myself. My mom had a hysterectomy a few years back (around the same time her mom had a lobectomy from lung cancer) and she was the same way!! I too am very very short and snippy with my mom, and for the past few weeks have just quit talking to her altogether (I don't live at home so that helps a bit). It's like there is no such thing as a normal conversation - they always turn angry, with both of us shouting at the top of our lungs, neither of us making sense to the other one. My mom CONSTANTLY calls me ungrateful, but she doesn't understand that giving me money and buying me things all the time don't make up for the emotional "rock" that a mother should be. And even though she is lacking in the mother dept, I don't want gifts to make up for it. It doesn't work that way. So how can I be thankful when I am not getting what I really want?! A MOM!!!! Anyway, it sounds like we are in the same boat, or at least pretty close to it. With you working so much, is it possible for you to move out for the rest of the summer???
Hugs
Ahimsa
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Ahimsa
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Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Europe
Posts: 96
Originally Posted by dolce7dolore 
I just... have so much anger towards my parents. I'm not nice to them, and I'm usually a nice person. I"m just always snippy and bitchy towards them and I know it's because of the alcohol, because I resent them for being so irresponsible. Sometimes, a lot recently, I feel like I want to break off all contact with them. I mean, I don't feel like a healthy person when I'm near them.
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Wabbit Hole
Posts: 1,923
Even at my age (52) and my mom is 78, I still have to bite my tounge to keep from telling her to shut the frog up.
She is a chronic complainer and will always be that way. I simply had to post a lot here to learn from others how to handle my feelings toward her.
She is a chronic complainer and will always be that way. I simply had to post a lot here to learn from others how to handle my feelings toward her.
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Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: in my own world~
Posts: 1,237
I'm a mom and don't have daughters but you both sound like its time to move out~~~~Your mom is going to have a rough summer with 6 weeks on crutches (sp)). I have gone through foot surgery and its the pits. Try to be nice and help if you can. If not~~Maybe it is time for your own place. Find a roomy if you can't afford it yourself. Good luck girls~~Smiles, Bonnie
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Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Under the Rainbow
Posts: 1,086
Sometimes a prolonged separation is good for you. I am absolutely not trying to tell you that you are immature or 'too young to understand' with what I'm about to say.
At your age, I too had massive amounts of anger, which I could not seem to control. At 39, I finally found a therapist who taught me how to detach from my parents enough to control my anger even when they were at the worst of their worst. Until that point though, my best tactic was to stay as far away from them as I could. I went to college 3 time zones away from them, and tried as best as I could to maintain at least that many time zones distance. When/if I went to visit, I always kept in the back of my mind that I would be leaving again soon.
When it feels like you have to live in it forever, it's very hard to keep a handle on the anger. When you know you only have to tolerate it 'a few more days', it's easier.
When you are in school, does the school have a mental health clinic? If so, I strongly urge you to go there, it should be free or very low cost. It's where I started, although I started without knowing about ACoAs so spent a lot of years trying to address each issue independently and not understanding why things kept setting me off again. You are in a much better position in that you KNOW what's going on.
Like you, my first summer back from school I spent at home. I never lived with my parents again after that. I found ways to spend my summers elsewhere, working, saving money and staying as sane as I could.
I wish you all the luck in the world. Please try to remember that disrespect (which is what guilt-tripping is) creates anger in most people. Constant disrespect makes most people irritable all the time. While it may not be 'healthy', it is certainly to be expected under the circumstances. Please don't beat yourself up further for feeling totally normal, completely understandable emotions to the way you're being treated. Be kind to yourself as much as possible.
At your age, I too had massive amounts of anger, which I could not seem to control. At 39, I finally found a therapist who taught me how to detach from my parents enough to control my anger even when they were at the worst of their worst. Until that point though, my best tactic was to stay as far away from them as I could. I went to college 3 time zones away from them, and tried as best as I could to maintain at least that many time zones distance. When/if I went to visit, I always kept in the back of my mind that I would be leaving again soon.
When it feels like you have to live in it forever, it's very hard to keep a handle on the anger. When you know you only have to tolerate it 'a few more days', it's easier.
When you are in school, does the school have a mental health clinic? If so, I strongly urge you to go there, it should be free or very low cost. It's where I started, although I started without knowing about ACoAs so spent a lot of years trying to address each issue independently and not understanding why things kept setting me off again. You are in a much better position in that you KNOW what's going on.
Like you, my first summer back from school I spent at home. I never lived with my parents again after that. I found ways to spend my summers elsewhere, working, saving money and staying as sane as I could.
I wish you all the luck in the world. Please try to remember that disrespect (which is what guilt-tripping is) creates anger in most people. Constant disrespect makes most people irritable all the time. While it may not be 'healthy', it is certainly to be expected under the circumstances. Please don't beat yourself up further for feeling totally normal, completely understandable emotions to the way you're being treated. Be kind to yourself as much as possible.
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