SugarLily

I just want to say first of all thank you to all of you that have supported me through my own personal crisis. Especially Lilyflower, you have been an inspiration to me in so many ways.

I first came to this forum asking how to help my alcoholic boyfriend who I had financial commitments with as well as a house. At first I was put off by the comments such as "you can't help him, only he can" etc.

It's taken a while for this to sink in. I don't know what has happened to me lately but after all the nights crying myself to sleep, crying at work, crying at the supermarket etc... I don't know why but today I woke up. I realised I AM ME - HEAR ME ROAR!! ha ha!

Ok maybe not so much but I came to the realisation that I came into this world as one and I will leave as one also. I'm starting to recognise the confident funny girl I used to be before I got with my ex. I've realised I actually like myself. I don't need another to feel "whole". I am me by myself, I'm the girl that has a strange obsession with tomato soup and trashy magazines. I am me. If no one likes it who the hell cares?!

I recently found out that the fact my ex had slept with another girl ended up being a cruel "joke" by someone who knows both of us. But whatever.

I need to remind myself to (as my horoscope said) stop looking to the past and look to your future. Because believe me - I aim to enjoy it.

My house goes under the hammer so to speak on the 18th June, so little over a week away really, I'm still anxious if it doesn't sell for as much as I wanted but at the end of the day - money is just money. Another poster - I forget who - I''m sorry. Well they said money can be replaced, belongings can be replaced and it's so true.

I've wasted thousands on this relationship and a whole chunk of my heart; so it feels, but life goes on and I am continually going to remind ME that I deserve better.

All those nights I forgave him after he made me sob into my pillow, I can't believe it. He's still begging me back but he can go suck one!!

Thank you SR x x x

GiveLove

You GO, sugarlily !!!!!!!

You are a whole, powerful, brilliant, creative, and fascinating child of your higher power, whatever form that takes for you. You have been through hell and come out with your head held high.

You have a magnificent life waiting for you ahead, far from this stupid drama you've been through. You may not believe it every day when you wake up, but don't be surprised if days like today start to come more and more and more often as you move into your future.

Way to go!
:ghug3

RosieM

Sugar, we will get through this. I just about could have written your post. I've been separated from stbxah for a few months now and can see progress but am still struggling of course. Our house goes to act of sale on Monday but I am far, far away from it all and will not be there. I have lost thousands of dollars in this whole thing but have a little house I love now and it's all mine and I don't have to worry about finding empty bottles under the mattress, in the attic, in the laundry hamper, etc. etc. and all the b-s that goes along with it.

What would we do without SR??

Here's to a wonderful life for us both - discovering who we are again! R.

loner1968

That was too funny when you said he can go suck one! LOL...

GiveLove

I agree. When I read it I let out this shout of laughter that made the dogs start barking

Kindeyes

Sugarlily
You have also been an inspiration here on SR. Everytime one of us goes through hell and come out on the other side a whole person, it's an inspiration!

I'm a tomato soup fan myself! Just had it for lunch today!

Glad to hear that you are doing well!

gentle hugs

carolineb

....you sound wonderful.

Be aware....just when you think you have your *hit together....the powerful, baffling and cunning disease takes a hold of you again.

It happens so easily. I wrote a similar 'I'm finally free' post about 3 weeks ago.....and once again got sucked back in.

It was that final time that did it for me. I finally stopped believing the lies and saw clearly the manipulation. I knew it all existed, but I always wanted to believe him.

This time, I got out for me. For pride. For loving myself to finally know better. For knowing that until I closed this door....another one would never open. That knowledge is what finally did it for me.

Stay strong. Stay committed. Point yourself in the right direction and just keep going. Good work!

SugarLily

Sorry for making your doggies bark GiveLove, I'm a huge dog lover. My saving grace is my 3 (soon to be 4) year old German Shepherd. It was the ex's idea to get him. But as unreliable as A's are he left all the paperwork to me so he is my dog, he's in my name. I still let the ex have him for the odd day, but this precious pup is my best friend. I know it's wrong but he sleeps on my bed and gazes at me so lovingly I will never kick him off!

RosieM, it's hard isn't it? I'm sure you - as I did had great plans for life in that house. But looking back in regret serves us nothing. I'm so happy to hear you have a house now, one that you can call "home" I guess. A home is somewhere you feel safe and relaxed, something I never had in that house.

Well suffice to say I do feel a whole load stronger, I still have attacks of crying but I've realised I've tried my damn best! I did, I really did. There's only so much one can do.

I actually saw the ex today (innevitable until the house is gone) he was in the beer garden in his favourite local pub that tore our relationship to shreds. He was with his fellow boozy mates, Loads of people said hiya to me, I know they like me (or maybe pity me) I stayed less than 2 minutes, asked what I needed to ask about the house then left.

Weirdly enough for me, I didn't look at him like I used to. I can see him for what he is. A guy who is more interested in a pub than anything else, and you know what?

I deserve more

xxx

Mair

Nice one Sugarlily. Get busy living. Promise me one thing keep working on you, and your recovery, with or without him beleive me it will help you on your road to happyness.

Mair xxxxxxxxx

SugarLily

Many thanks and a huge warm hug Mair!

I will, I will, I will get there!

I still get messages from him saying he loves me and he misses me, well he HAD me and didn't want me. Each time I left he'd beg for forgiveness, well no more sunshine. Na-uh. We must have broken up at least 6 times and each was the same, promises to change..... Quack Quack effity Quack quack!

Hope you are well x x x

RosieM

Sugar, my dog and cat are my best friends and if we can't spoil them, who can we spoil? I loved it one night when my husband was drunk and he came to bed and the dog growled at him! My stbxah sure didn't like that! Now my 75 pound baby can take up 3/4 of the bed and it's ok with me!!

I talk to my stbxah a couple of times a week and I'm getting the same thing you are with yours - I'm perceiving him differently, probably the way he really is rather than through the distorted prism of whatever it was I thought we had together. It's pretty much the same conversation. "I'm tired, my mom's driving me crazy, it rained." But not much about being sorry or accepting any kind of blame for what he did. He used to promise to change but I guess he figures I won't believe that one anymore.

Have a great week - filled with gratitude! R.

FormerDoormat

You tell him, girlfriend! I love trashy magazines, too. Just finished this week's Life and Style (the one featuring Shiloh on the cover). I treat myself to one trashy magazine every week when I go grocery shopping.

Nothing better than lots of goodies in the house and an hour to myself to read smut.

And girlfriend, if you like tomato soup, I have a killer recipe for homemade tomato soup (but it's loaded with fat). PM me if you'd like the recipe.

I just have to say this one more time:

You tell him, girlfriend!

SugarLily

Absolutely! Tomato soup is my comfort food, my mum makes a killer one too. Hers is really not healthy, its probably loaded with fat but wow. I really would like to try your recipe, plus anything that keeps my mind occupied is good!

I had a little cry before I went to sleep last night but I'm feeling so much better.

ooh and I'm going to Paphos next month now! My friend is letting me stay at her appt for free!

Lilyflower

Hi Sugarlily! i'm so glad to hear you are doing well, I've been wondering about you!

I'm glad I've been able to relate to you, but you have done all the hard work yourself my friend! It was empowering to me to know that I was not the only one going through this madness, and it gave me strength to come here and find solace and guidance. I have seen you grow since you came here, you have really took in everything all the folk here have said and have worked hard on your own recovery. Congratulations to you!

As posted, be sure to keep your course, now you are beginning to rediscover yourself, your recovery is beginning to blossom and I hope you continue to post here and work on yourself. I wish I had found this site years ago, I have gone around the same circle of self doubt and being with abusive partners for so much of my life, I know that I have to keep working on me so that this pattern does not repeat itself anymore.

Thanks for sharing your success with us, it is inspiring as Kindeyes says!

Love Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

abcdefg

Wow. THis is so helpful to me. I have not gotten any such messages, calls or notes, three months since I broke up with my XSABF.

I have been experiencing a lot of fear that it's "about time" for him to resurface and try to...what? I don't even know. Look at me longingly, sweetly, from across the room and kick over that domino that gets the whole mess going again? You all know the drill.

The thing is: this time I have NO doubt of how that cycle would "end," if I chose to start it. Absolutely zero doubt. It would all be so rich and wonderful at first because his sober personality would be present. But then something will happen -- LIFE -- and it will trigger him (in his case, a dry drunk spell from hell) and there I will be: cheated out of a loving companion, overburdened with responsibilities, unwanted, unloved and alone.

I don't feel interested in taking that ride (or doing that dance, as we say) for absolutely no result other than pointless heartache. And, as those of you who are familiar with my posts already know, the fact that I genuinely love this man will NOT be a reason to resume anything -- actually, it would be high motivation NOT to participate in the disease. BECAUSE I love someone I will let go.

But your comment is one of those really helpful "nutshell" kind of things I can keep in the front of my head, like "play the tape all the way through," that keeps me from lowering the veil and softening the edges of reality when I feel vulnerable.

I really DON'T want insanity in my life. It's just that I am affected by this disease and, therefore, susceptible to that veil. It's only because of recovery that I know that.

Thank you for sharing. It always helps.

abc

SugarLily

Hi abcdefg

Isn't it surprising how our stories help others. :ghug2

I would actually find it easier for me if he didn't keep with the messages, I'm not a person that finds saying no easily and I'm sick of going through the whole hoopla of "I do care about you but you've hurt me" then him saying "I'm so sorry, I realise now, please give me another chance" to me saying "you said that last time" to him saying "I mean it this time" to me saying "so you didn't last time?" - Ooh the insanity of it all. I cannot go down that path of not knowing where I stand again, I will not.

Completely agree, each time I made up with the ex the first couple of weeks would be bliss and I'd be on top of the world only to come straight back down with a bang.

I will admit I still love him, but the him he was when we met and not the one he is now.

Wishing you well x x x

carolineb

It is posts like these that are such great reminders that I'm not alone. That all of my sane friends don't really 'get it' because they haven't lived or experienced the insanity. It seems to them, so easy to just say 'enough' and walk away.

That's what I think too.....and then that random, unexpected call, text, etc. happens and all of my determination that I am strong goes right out the window. It certainly is a process, and I have allowed myself permission to have let my guard down in the past and as I heal, I progress in my knowledge that.....nothing changes if nothing changes. I want, need, deserve better.

My last contact with xabf was on Sunday. A random text by him turned into drama. Not shocking. Ended with me telling him that 'it's just a giant procrastination....and someday, you must deal with it.'

Then it got ugly. Big denial. Someone was undoubtedly on the other end of the phone having a few too many and I obviously struck a nerve. I don't give a flying *hit. I'm tired of dancing around the subject. No contact since. Wish he would just go away. It would make it so much easier.

Thanks for these posts. They always come at the right time.

LaTeeDa

I read "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle a couple of years ago. Recently, I read "A New Earth" by the same author and it clicked a little more than the first book. So, last night I decided to pull out PON again a reread some parts to see if it made more sense in my current frame of mind. It did, and here is a passage that really made sense to me that is also very relevant to this thread.

L

Pajarito

Awesome posts LTD and abc! (Sorry about the "awesome"- I saw Kung Fu Panda this past weekend :o)

Thank you. . .

abcdefg

LTD thanks for sharing that. It kicks a**. I totally agree with all the crap coming up rather than the relationship "causing" pain. It doesn't mean people are not accountable for their harmful behavior. It's just looking at the situation with more focus on ME, not as a victim, and dealing with myself.

thanks again.
abc